Week of June 10

[VacayVaca]

What do you have going on this week?

[VacayVaca]

Our closest friends told us this weekend that they're expecting their first child. They've been trying a few months less than us and were able to conceive using medicated cycles. I'm truly happy for them, and it would be wonderful to have kids close in age, but it's also hard to see other people moving forward when it feels so hard for us to get to the end goal. This week is also the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage, and it's hitting me hard to take stock of the last year. TTC casts such a harsh shadow over so much in your life that it's hard to celebrate success and not wallow in the difficulties. I just wonder if it's ever possible to get to the other side of this and not feel so conflicted over everything pregnancy related.

[megstoo]

I just ordered all my meds for final transfer. Holy crap it's just a couple dollars short of $1k. And this doesn't include what I have leftover from last failed transfer. I already have enough endometrin, PIO, estrace, LDN and prednisone... this is $1k just for new.

[seeyalater52]

Jun 10, 2019 14:06:14 GMT -5 VacayVaca said:

Our closest friends told us this weekend that they're expecting their first child. They've been trying a few months less than us and were able to conceive using medicated cycles. I'm truly happy for them, and it would be wonderful to have kids close in age, but it's also hard to see other people moving forward when it feels so hard for us to get to the end goal. This week is also the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage, and it's hitting me hard to take stock of the last year. TTC casts such a harsh shadow over so much in your life that it's hard to celebrate success and not wallow in the difficulties. I just wonder if it's ever possible to get to the other side of this and not feel so conflicted over everything pregnancy related.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Those anniversaries are so incredibly hard. I am not on the other side, but I can't imagine ever just moving on from this phase of my life. The years of trying, year (or more, who knows) of IVF, recurrent miscarriages.... it's all been so hard, and so transformative for me, and not really in a good way. I am sure there is some sort of life after this but I have no idea what it looks like. All that to say, I relate so much to this. Big hugs. 

[pickel]

Jun 10, 2019 14:10:49 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

Jun 10, 2019 14:06:14 GMT -5 VacayVaca said:

Our closest friends told us this weekend that they're expecting their first child. They've been trying a few months less than us and were able to conceive using medicated cycles. I'm truly happy for them, and it would be wonderful to have kids close in age, but it's also hard to see other people moving forward when it feels so hard for us to get to the end goal. This week is also the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage, and it's hitting me hard to take stock of the last year. TTC casts such a harsh shadow over so much in your life that it's hard to celebrate success and not wallow in the difficulties. I just wonder if it's ever possible to get to the other side of this and not feel so conflicted over everything pregnancy related.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Those anniversaries are so incredibly hard. I am not on the other side, but I can't imagine ever just moving on from this phase of my life. The years of trying, year (or more, who knows) of IVF, recurrent miscarriages.... it's all been so hard, and so transformative for me, and not really in a good way. I am sure there is some sort of life after this but I have no idea what it looks like. All that to say, I relate so much to this. Big hugs. 

I'm sorry for your losses, VacayVaca, and seeyalater52. 

@ mentioned

For me, the first anniversaries and due date hit me hard, the second year a little less and then much less after that.  I had a chemical pregnancy before my son in 2014 and I don't remember the loss or due date of that one anymore, but at the time I was pretty upset.  I had an 11W4D loss in 2016 that I will probably always remember because it was so mentally and physically traumatic.  The due date and first year was tough, the second year I finally got the courage to find out that it was a little girl so we let a couple of pink balloons go and had a little cake to celebrate her and I felt like I was able to let go of what had happened.  The memory is there but I'm able to talk about it and remember it without crying or feeling much emotion.

After that miscarriage, I had 2.5 years of secondary infertility and it was an incredibly dark time.  I am now 23W3D pregnant and I am able to look back at myself over 2018 (when we started doing treatments) and kind of give myself a mental hug.  The pain that was there a year ago is gone, but I remember how dark it was and how helpless and depressed I felt.  I had a LOT of anxiety about loss until around 16 weeks.  I cried before my 6 week and 8 week ultrasound because I just knew it was going to be bad.  I still get a little bit of anxiety around doctor appointments and ultrasounds and am very relieved when there are two heartbeats on the screen.  

All this to say, yes, it is possible to get to the other side.  You'll probably always remember this time, but at some point the pain won't resonate like it does now.  So many hugs for you both. 

[VacayVaca]

Jun 10, 2019 14:55:57 GMT -5 pickel said:

Jun 10, 2019 14:10:49 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Those anniversaries are so incredibly hard. I am not on the other side, but I can't imagine ever just moving on from this phase of my life. The years of trying, year (or more, who knows) of IVF, recurrent miscarriages.... it's all been so hard, and so transformative for me, and not really in a good way. I am sure there is some sort of life after this but I have no idea what it looks like. All that to say, I relate so much to this. Big hugs. 

All this to say, yes, it is possible to get to the other side.  You'll probably always remember this time, but at some point the pain won't resonate like it does now.  So many hugs for you both. 

Thank you for sharing your experience pickel .  It's very helpful to hear what heals and what remains.  Lots of warm wishes that your pregnancy continues healthily.  I agree with @seeyalater that this experience is so transformative that I'm sure I'll always see a before and after.  All we can do is keep moving forward with the help of friends, family and the professionals.  But it's truly helpful to hear from others a little bit further down the road--thank you.

[ilovecandy]

I am with pickel. First year was the toughest we had a chemical pregnancy and then later that year had a failed adoption. It suuuucked that first year. Even year two. Each year does get slightly better. We are on year three now. It still hurts but it does dim some over time. But I say this as someone who decided in 2017 and processed that I was done trying to have a kid. So I have processed what the end may be for me.

Of course that is no longer the case as we are heading into our second round of ivf (it will be our last).

I have mock and hysterscopy on Friday. I also just realized I still have day 3 bloodwork to do for my clinic. Oops. My day three was Sunday though so next cycle.

[lexisgrrl1980]

Go on Wednesday to find out if our last transfer worked. It really hit me last night that if this doesn’t work we have some decisions about next steps and all of the nerves hit. Keeping fingers crossed that this is our cycle.

[seeyalater52]

Jun 10, 2019 17:37:59 GMT -5 lexisgrrl1980 said:

Go on Wednesday to find out if our last transfer worked. It really hit me last night that if this doesn’t work we have some decisions about next steps and all of the nerves hit. Keeping fingers crossed that this is our cycle.

I’ll be thinking of you on Wednesday.

[joenali]

Not much going on here. I start lupron injections on June 20th.

I’m just very worried that we are going to be in the same predicament after this cycle: zero embryos. My husband’s mom is helping us out with money she was given from her mother’s estate. If we have nothing from this, I feel like we have wasted and gambled away so much money, that’s not even ours. But at the same time, she is happily gifting this to us. As well as for her own daughter who recently had a failed transfer. Ughhh so many emotions. There is no money for more. I’ll be 42 in September. This is it. I also have to start thinking about when I’ll get a hysterectomy. I think doing that right away if this cycle fails is too much. That’s a real finality.

[pinkpeony08]

seeyalater52 VacayVaca

Just sharing that you aren't alone. I just posted similar thoughts to VacayVaca on the TTC graduates board. My due date for my 4th consecutive miscarriage was the beginning of June. It was already a really tough week and then my sister in law called us to tell us she was pregnant with her second the same week. I felt like it pushed me back into grief similar to what I felt the first few week after the loss. I'm happy for her, but I'm sad for us. I had one miscarriage a month before my sister in law's first was born and was pregnant a second time when we went out to meet the baby when he was a few months old. Then I have had two more losses since.

She was Facetiming us in the evenings, and I was sure that was why. I had my husband call when I wasn't home because I didn't think I could fake the smile. We talked with her the next day, and I was able to tell her congratulations. I admit I am not looking forward to the months of conversation about the pregnancy and new baby from my in laws, who really seem to think that all is fine because the miscarriages happened in the past. A little less concerned about my sister in law because she tends to be more in tune to the feelings of other people.

I will say that I feel a little less sad about the other due dates. It seems the first one is the hardest, though I do admit to thinking I should have a "x" month old by now or thinking I should have a baby the same size when I see people I know who had successful pregnancies with similar due dates. I think it will continue to get a little easier with time, but right now it's hard to imagine being "over it," especially as the odds go down that I will ever get my "rainbow baby."

[wise_rita]

Week 1 of 2WW from FET this week for me.

[msmerymac]

Even if I have a successful pregnancy, I don't think I'll ever "get over" the last 5 years. The end will be happy, but the experience will still be there.

@@@
My BFF who just had a baby in December after 2 IVF cycles went all out for mother's day and asked me for recommendations for a place to go celebrate her husband for father's day.   Mother's Day has always been conflicted for me because it's really close to my birthday (I was born on mother's day). And it's been a really difficult day for the last several years. So even on the other side of this, I don't think it's going to be something that I, personally, will want to do a 180 with and celebrate... but maybe I'll think differently? Obviously I know people who have struggled who have the mindset that they are going to celebrate every single part of their pregnancy and child's development and what have you to the extreme - gender reveal and birthday parties and baby announcements and the whole nine. But I think my experience has done the opposite and made me a lot more cautious and subdued. Which is also okay. No outcome is the "right" one.

[VacayVaca]

Jun 10, 2019 19:01:37 GMT -5 joenali said:

Not much going on here. I start lupron injections on June 20th.

I’m just very worried that we are going to be in the same predicament after this cycle: zero embryos. My husband’s mom is helping us out with money she was given from her mother’s estate. If we have nothing from this, I feel like we have wasted and gambled away so much money, that’s not even ours. But at the same time, she is happily gifting this to us. As well as for her own daughter who recently had a failed transfer. Ughhh so many emotions. There is no money for more. I’ll be 42 in September. This is it. I also have to start thinking about when I’ll get a hysterectomy. I think doing that right away if this cycle fails is too much. That’s a real finality.

Those are so many hard emotions.  It's so tough to mentally get a hold on how much this all costs and the risk of spending so much money to end up with nothing.  The money side of it was very stressful and triggering for me, so my husband took charge of the financial picture and gives me very sparing updates all with a managerial tone of "I have this under control."  But I completely understand the fear and guilt of spending so much money on something that's not a certainty. 

The only thing that worked for me was to treat it with a one day at a time mentality.  Today your only task is to get ready for lupron injections.  You can't do anything about the far out total picture, so it's too much energy to focus on it.  It's so hard to shut those long-term fears out, but it helped me to think of it step by step.  We're definitely rooting for you each step of the way.

[VacayVaca]

Jun 10, 2019 20:21:56 GMT -5 pinkpeony08 said:

seeyalater52 VacayVaca

Just sharing that you aren't alone. I just posted similar thoughts to VacayVaca on the TTC graduates board. My due date for my 4th consecutive miscarriage was the beginning of June. It was already a really tough week and then my sister in law called us to tell us she was pregnant with her second the same week. I felt like it pushed me back into grief similar to what I felt the first few week after the loss. I'm happy for her, but I'm sad for us. I had one miscarriage a month before my sister in law's first was born and was pregnant a second time when we went out to meet the baby when he was a few months old. Then I have had two more losses since.

She was Facetiming us in the evenings, and I was sure that was why. I had my husband call when I wasn't home because I didn't think I could fake the smile. We talked with her the next day, and I was able to tell her congratulations. I admit I am not looking forward to the months of conversation about the pregnancy and new baby from my in laws, who really seem to think that all is fine because the miscarriages happened in the past. A little less concerned about my sister in law because she tends to be more in tune to the feelings of other people.

I will say that I feel a little less sad about the other due dates. It seems the first one is the hardest, though I do admit to thinking I should have a "x" month old by now or thinking I should have a baby the same size when I see people I know who had successful pregnancies with similar due dates. I think it will continue to get a little easier with time, but right now it's hard to imagine being "over it," especially as the odds go down that I will ever get my "rainbow baby."

This is really kind of you to share.  I think you're right that hearing our friends' news has pushed me back into grief similar to what I felt when I had my miscarriages.  I have all of those same thoughts about how old the first baby would be or how far along I would be in the second pregnancy and tough feelings when seeing people with the same due dates as I had.  I agree that it's so hard to ever imagine being over it, but hopefully it continues to get easier.  I'm sorry you've gone through so much heartbreak and am sending you lots of warm wishes for continued healing.

[msmerymac]

*hugs* VacayVaca

One of my coworkers has a baby who was born right around the time I would have had my first if not for the miscarriage. When he turned 1 this year and my coworker mentioned it at work, it hit me like a ton of bricks. (Thankfully I was out of town for the shower AND the birth around my due date, or else I would have been even more of a mess last year.)

[joenali]

Jun 11, 2019 9:16:26 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Even if I have a successful pregnancy, I don't think I'll ever "get over" the last 5 years. The end will be happy, but the experience will still be there.

@@@
My BFF who just had a baby in December after 2 IVF cycles went all out for mother's day and asked me for recommendations for a place to go celebrate her husband for father's day.   Mother's Day has always been conflicted for me because it's really close to my birthday (I was born on mother's day). And it's been a really difficult day for the last several years. So even on the other side of this, I don't think it's going to be something that I, personally, will want to do a 180 with and celebrate... but maybe I'll think differently? Obviously I know people who have struggled who have the mindset that they are going to celebrate every single part of their pregnancy and child's development and what have you to the extreme - gender reveal and birthday parties and baby announcements and the whole nine. But I think my experience has done the opposite and made me a lot more cautious and subdued. Which is also okay. No outcome is the "right" one.

I hear. If I ever get pregnant there is no way we are doing a gender reveal. Fist I think they are silly, and second don’t want nor need any of the attention. I don’t need to be a blabbering it all over, because people are struggling. I dint even know if I’m making sense.

[ilovecandy]

Jun 11, 2019 9:16:26 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Even if I have a successful pregnancy, I don't think I'll ever "get over" the last 5 years. The end will be happy, but the experience will still be there.

@@@
My BFF who just had a baby in December after 2 IVF cycles went all out for mother's day and asked me for recommendations for a place to go celebrate her husband for father's day.   Mother's Day has always been conflicted for me because it's really close to my birthday (I was born on mother's day). And it's been a really difficult day for the last several years. So even on the other side of this, I don't think it's going to be something that I, personally, will want to do a 180 with and celebrate... but maybe I'll think differently? Obviously I know people who have struggled who have the mindset that they are going to celebrate every single part of their pregnancy and child's development and what have you to the extreme - gender reveal and birthday parties and baby announcements and the whole nine. But I think my experience has done the opposite and made me a lot more cautious and subdued. Which is also okay. No outcome is the "right" one.

I am here with you. After 9 years there is so much and I don't think I will ever forget. Like I am in the midst of if I f works this time we won't tell anyone till 12 weeks even then we will only tell our parents and really close friends. I don't want anyone else to know until I am around 26 weeks or so just because of all the people I know of that have had later (2ns tri) issues and ended up not having a live babe. Even then I don't know if we would announce full on social media until the baby is born.

I probably will need continued therapy because I suspect during pregnancy and child years that I will oscillate between way overly cautious anxiety. Then I will flip and be like kids will be kids (I have worked with kids for 13+ years).

All that to say you do what is right for you

[joenali]

I ordered my meds yesterday. Holy moly! It would be nice if this stuff was covered by everyone’s insurance.

[moonriver]

I tested today and got a bfn. I’m anywhere from 10-12 dpo so maybe it’s still too early, but I don’t have much hope even though I was convinced I was KU this cycle.

[seeyalater52]

Jun 13, 2019 9:01:05 GMT -5 moonriver said:

I tested today and got a bfn. I’m anywhere from 10-12 dpo so maybe it’s still too early, but I don’t have much hope even though I was convinced I was KU this cycle.

I'm so sorry. I hope you miscalculated your ovulation date but either way seeing the negative test sucks so much. 

[VacayVaca]

Jun 13, 2019 9:01:05 GMT -5 moonriver said:

I tested today and got a bfn. I’m anywhere from 10-12 dpo so maybe it’s still too early, but I don’t have much hope even though I was convinced I was KU this cycle.

I'm sorry.  It's so hard keeping optimistic each month hoping it will turn your way.  Sending you lots of hugs of commiseration.  

[moonriver]

seeyalater52 VacayVaca

Thank you both.


@@@

I have a three year old and I really really want a sibling for him. I want to experience everything with one more child. But also, I don’t want to be in waiting anymore because it’s just the worst. I have so many thoughts I can’t put into words right now.

[VacayVaca]

Jun 13, 2019 22:16:31 GMT -5 moonriver said:

seeyalater52 VacayVaca

Thank you both.


@@@

I have a three year old and I really really want a sibling for him. I want to experience everything with one more child. But also, I don’t want to be in waiting anymore because it’s just the worst. I have so many thoughts I can’t put into words right now.

It's just so hard.  I keep telling my husband how it feels like multiple years wasted and I'm trying to change that mindset but it's tough.  It's hard to wish days would move faster because it gets you closer to the next step in the process, but it overall just feels like constant waiting.  It's hard to articulate it, but it sucks all around.  

[pinkpeony08]

Jun 14, 2019 13:42:02 GMT -5 VacayVaca said:

Jun 13, 2019 22:16:31 GMT -5 moonriver said:

seeyalater52 VacayVaca

Thank you both.


@@@

I have a three year old and I really really want a sibling for him. I want to experience everything with one more child. But also, I don’t want to be in waiting anymore because it’s just the worst. I have so many thoughts I can’t put into words right now.

It's just so hard.  I keep telling my husband how it feels like multiple years wasted and I'm trying to change that mindset but it's tough.  It's hard to wish days would move faster because it gets you closer to the next step in the process, but it overall just feels like constant waiting.  It's hard to articulate it, but it sucks all around.  

It’s so hard to wait without knowing how long the wait will be... meanwhile the age gap between siblings grows

[ilovecandy]

I made a longer post but it got eaten so shorter version. Mock and hysterscopy went perfect today.

Gotta finish a little bit of bloodwork testing (mine day 3 my husband is gone till end of July so he can't do it til then). Then on to get our protocol and schedule. So likely retrieval with cycle in September.

Okay but guys I am freaking out over everything that could go wrong or bad no enough eggs, no fertilization, no good growing embryos (growing out to blastocyst), no normal embryos. Help

[joenali]

Jun 14, 2019 15:27:47 GMT -5 ilovecandy said:

I made a longer post but it got eaten so shorter version. Mock and hysterscopy went perfect today.

Gotta finish a little bit of bloodwork testing (mine day 3 my husband is gone till end of July so he can't do it til then). Then on to get our protocol and schedule. So likely retrieval with cycle in September.

Okay but guys I am freaking out over everything that could go wrong or bad no enough eggs, no fertilization, no good growing embryos (growing out to blastocyst), no normal embryos. Help

The attrition rate is really high with IVF. I knew that going into the process, but it hits you like a ton of bricks. I’m going to call my clinic next week and request some therapy sessions going into this round. Is that something your clinic offers?

[ilovecandy]

Jun 14, 2019 17:22:23 GMT -5 joenali said:

Jun 14, 2019 15:27:47 GMT -5 ilovecandy said:

I made a longer post but it got eaten so shorter version. Mock and hysterscopy went perfect today.

Gotta finish a little bit of bloodwork testing (mine day 3 my husband is gone till end of July so he can't do it til then). Then on to get our protocol and schedule. So likely retrieval with cycle in September.

Okay but guys I am freaking out over everything that could go wrong or bad no enough eggs, no fertilization, no good growing embryos (growing out to blastocyst), no normal embryos. Help

The attrition rate is really high with IVF. I knew that going into the process, but it hits you like a ton of bricks. I’m going to call my clinic next week and request some therapy sessions going into this round. Is that something your clinic offers?

I go to a therapist already. My clinic does have a support group I think once a month.

[seeyalater52]

Jun 14, 2019 15:27:47 GMT -5 ilovecandy said:

I made a longer post but it got eaten so shorter version. Mock and hysterscopy went perfect today.

Gotta finish a little bit of bloodwork testing (mine day 3 my husband is gone till end of July so he can't do it til then). Then on to get our protocol and schedule. So likely retrieval with cycle in September.

Okay but guys I am freaking out over everything that could go wrong or bad no enough eggs, no fertilization, no good growing embryos (growing out to blastocyst), no normal embryos. Help

Hugs. It’s so scary and overwhelming. It’s true, a lot can go wrong. But there isn’t anything you can do to control the outcome. I really hope you get great results.

[vmars]

Jun 13, 2019 22:16:31 GMT -5 moonriver said:

seeyalater52 VacayVaca

Thank you both.


@@@

I have a three year old and I really really want a sibling for him. I want to experience everything with one more child. But also, I don’t want to be in waiting anymore because it’s just the worst. I have so many thoughts I can’t put into words right now.

I feel you. I wanted a second when my son was around 3...I couldn’t afford 2 daycare tuitions so we started as soon as we knew there would not be an overlap thinking it would be a similar TTC process as DS - we didn’t realize all the obstacles we would face. We started trying when we was 4.5 yrs old. By the time this child it born, my son will have just turned 6. It sucks, but at the same time he is SO excited and he gets it, which makes me being pregnant and giving him a sibling at this age more rewarding.