Chemistry?

[kaneen]

Do you think chemistry between two people can grow over time or is it one of those things that is there immediately or never at all?

i met a guy on a work trip in early June.  We connected and struck up a friendship through text and phone calls.  We grew to like each other as we got to know one another better.  I spent the weekend visiting him this weekend.  We had a great time.  It really was fun and I enjoyed being with him.  I did not have that “need to touch you, need to kiss you” feeling though.  I mean, I wasn’t turned off by him and he’s definitely attractive but just no great spark.  I could absolutely tell he felt it on his end though.

So...do I give it more time?  Can the spark grow?  Or is this one of those things where it’s either there immediately or never?

[spindle92]

I think it definitely can grow, just like it can fade away after years.
If you were repulsed by him, that is one thing but that doesn't seem to be the case.
Maybe the physical chemistry just needs time.

[neonpink]

I agree with spindle92.

[tiramisu]

I agree, I think it can grow. There are some instances in which I'm pretty sure it can't, but that's more like 'the natural scent of his body just doesn't smell right to me' or being grossed out by a kiss. If everything else is good, I think it's worth giving it a little bit of a chance.

[bullygirl979]

I also agree with spindle92

[kaneen]

No, there wasn't anything that was a turnoff and there were definitely times when I wanted to be affectionate with him. There just wasn't an overwhelming "gotta have you" feeling. I've definitely had that feeling before and clearly those haven't worked out so maybe trying something that could potentially be a more slow burn makes sense. 

[doglove]

I think like others have said that attraction has to be there, but the spark can build. I think nothing is more attractive than how a man treats you non-sexually. I also had a new appreciation for this after being physically attracted to guys who didn’t test me great wasn’t working for me! I think it took A and I 3-5 dates before we first kissed and a number of weeks until we slept together. I appreciate the quality time spent up front before it became physical for us.

[downtoearth]

I'm wondering the same thing. I haven't ever had a spark grow - other feelings of friendship or respect, yes, but not a spark. So I'm curious about this too. I have dated only 3 people now since separating from XH and two were sparks instantly - one more than the other, but the last one is not a spark. And I'm not really thinking I should pursue since it seems like he is way into me, but I'm thinking this is more single-parent friends and feels disingenuous to keep dating if I don't feel sexual attraction.

[doriswe]

I think the initial insane spark is terribly misleading! The times I bought into that, I got burned pretty good. I think it can build over time and getting to know each other.

[downtoearth]

Jul 29, 2019 12:00:03 GMT -5 kaneen said:

No, there wasn't anything that was a turnoff and there were definitely times when I wanted to be affectionate with him. There just wasn't an overwhelming "gotta have you" feeling. I've definitely had that feeling before and clearly those haven't worked out so maybe trying something that could potentially be a more slow burn makes sense. 

This is what has been making me think more. And I was reading Brene Brown last night and thought of her definition of love and how "spark" or instant sexual attraction isn't really a factor when she researched happy, wholehearted people. However, "affection" can be a connection made through spark. So I don't think only having the chemistry or spark is something you should make a decision on, but not having it might mean that you are going to be missing that later.  Most importantly I think knowing if you are someone who can live life without chemistry/spark, but with other affection and love is for you. So are you someone who can grow affection and live without that feeling of chemistry - even if the other person feels it, or does part of affection for you mean chemistry/spark - even if that dwindles with aging relationships?

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. 

Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damages the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare”.  Brene Brown

[cleo29]

Jul 29, 2019 12:00:03 GMT -5 kaneen said:

No, there wasn't anything that was a turnoff and there were definitely times when I wanted to be affectionate with him. There just wasn't an overwhelming "gotta have you" feeling. I've definitely had that feeling before and clearly those haven't worked out so maybe trying something that could potentially be a more slow burn makes sense. 

I feel like we have been told this is how things should be to be a good relationship or good possibility of one and yet, I think it is not always how things work. Also, it can set one up to be disappointed.

I do think chemistry can grow with time, especially the more you like them just like they will become or can become more attractive in your eyes.

I don't know... I think I am soured lately on this thought that passionate chemistry is the end all and be all of a good relationship. (not that you were saying that). I think passion has highs and lows.  For me, I really need to feel it in their kiss. And enjoy their touch. And I can say there have been very few that I have had that really strong chemistry with and it never ended well. lol

[cleo29]

Jul 30, 2019 12:26:54 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Jul 29, 2019 12:00:03 GMT -5 kaneen said:

No, there wasn't anything that was a turnoff and there were definitely times when I wanted to be affectionate with him. There just wasn't an overwhelming "gotta have you" feeling. I've definitely had that feeling before and clearly those haven't worked out so maybe trying something that could potentially be a more slow burn makes sense. 

This is what has been making me think more. And I was reading Brene Brown last night and thought of her definition of love and how "spark" or instant sexual attraction isn't really a factor when she researched happy, wholehearted people. However, "affection" can be a connection made through spark. So I don't think only having the chemistry or spark is something you should make a decision on, but not having it might mean that you are going to be missing that later.  Most importantly I think knowing if you are someone who can live life without chemistry/spark, but with other affection and love is for you. So are you someone who can grow affection and live without that feeling of chemistry - even if the other person feels it, or does part of affection for you mean chemistry/spark - even if that dwindles with aging relationships?

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. 

Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damages the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare”.  Brene Brown

i love Brene Brown. And Esther Perel.

[mags]

Honestly spark isn't everything its cracked up to be.

If you kissed him and weren't....ew this isn't happening...than id say yes.

Respect, tenderness, kindness, and intelligence are certainly sparks in their own way.
Sparks only last so long, other things last a lot longer.

You have to have some chemistry, but throw you down and rip your clothes off usually only goes so far.

Maybe as I get older I have more appreciation for the other stuff?

[downtoearth]

Aug 1, 2019 16:45:17 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Jul 30, 2019 12:26:54 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

This is what has been making me think more. And I was reading Brene Brown last night and thought of her definition of love and how "spark" or instant sexual attraction isn't really a factor when she researched happy, wholehearted people. However, "affection" can be a connection made through spark. So I don't think only having the chemistry or spark is something you should make a decision on, but not having it might mean that you are going to be missing that later.  Most importantly I think knowing if you are someone who can live life without chemistry/spark, but with other affection and love is for you. So are you someone who can grow affection and live without that feeling of chemistry - even if the other person feels it, or does part of affection for you mean chemistry/spark - even if that dwindles with aging relationships?

i love Brene Brown. And Esther Perel.

I'm not a fan of Ester Perel - don't hate her, and keep trying to give her a chance. I just don't relate to her idea since XH and I had spark and sexual attraction...but her idea that those cheated on need to accept that it wasn't a criticism of themselves so much as a turning point for the cheater who felt a loss or lust or life change. She gives way more grace to the one who cheated than I am capable of right now.

But Perel is way into the chemistry/spark/sex-attraction thing, isn't' she? Most of what I've read and two of her talks were about how to reignite that spark after infidelity and how to focus on sexual spark and acceptance that sex is just sex, not intimacy sometimes. So I'm curious if you have a different perspective on how Perel sees chemistry and spark.

[tiramisu]

Aug 2, 2019 1:10:06 GMT -5 mags said:

Honestly spark isn't everything its cracked up to be.

If you kissed him and weren't....ew this isn't happening...than id say yes.

Respect, tenderness, kindness, and intelligence are certainly sparks in their own way.
Sparks only last so long, other things last a lot longer.

You have to have some chemistry, but throw you down and rip your clothes off usually only goes so far.

Maybe as I get older I have more appreciation for the other stuff?

I agree. Plus everyone I had instant "wanna rip each other's clothes off" chemistry with has turned out to be a horrible match for me in every other way.

[cleo29]

Aug 2, 2019 9:23:22 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 1, 2019 16:45:17 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

i love Brene Brown. And Esther Perel.

I'm not a fan of Ester Perel - don't hate her, and keep trying to give her a chance. I just don't relate to her idea since XH and I had spark and sexual attraction...but her idea that those cheated on need to accept that it wasn't a criticism of themselves so much as a turning point for the cheater who felt a loss or lust or life change. She gives way more grace to the one who cheated than I am capable of right now.

But Perel is way into the chemistry/spark/sex-attraction thing, isn't' she? Most of what I've read and two of her talks were about how to reignite that spark after infidelity and how to focus on sexual spark and acceptance that sex is just sex, not intimacy sometimes. So I'm curious if you have a different perspective on how Perel sees chemistry and spark.

Her talks that I have seen, I think are realistic in terms of why people cheat. I don't take that as giving grace to the person or even excusing it, but to explain how good people can make such a poor and devastating choice vs. a person who is just  serial cheater.  I can look back at my situation and in as crazy as it sounds, i can understand how the temptation came about and even how it could have happened- that is my head talking. My heart, still has an incredibly hard time with it all.

For me though, understanding how something came to be is the only way to figure out a means to make it better or even avoid it again, if possible. I do think there is something to spark and chemistry, but I also think chemistry can go beyond the obvious physical. chemistry in general can feed the physical attraction. And I don't think all cheating is due to lack of attraction or spark. There can be so many reasons.

That said, I do think H and I are right now a bit opposite of our physical desires and wants. I feel dead in that area. I sometimes hate the importance that sex gets, in general.

[downtoearth]

cleo29, interesting perspective. I think b/c XH and I were on the same page with physical desires and overall life goals, but he was also having his side piece that he wanted to stay with (and has now bought a house to live in with her), but he also wanted our life that I was essentially running for 5-6 months alone while he checked out. I am just not sure I'll ever understand why he chose to cheat for 9+ months. I think it was a loss... loss of feeling needed (I overperformed as he retreated and basically told him with my words and actions that I "didn't need him, but I wanted him in my life" thus making him feel less needed) and loss of youth (he's always hated turning older from when we were 25 on... dreads it, so having a girlfriend 10 years younger fulfills that some). But there was spark and chemistry with us, but I admit that I started pulling away from him when he wasn't emotionally connected and so that was all we had toward the end since I was reaching out so much and trying so hard and he was only there for sex and the image that divorce would project on him (I can only guess b/c he hasn't explained most of his actions and we stopped talking about us.)

[spindle92]

Aug 13, 2019 16:47:58 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

cleo29, interesting perspective. I think b/c XH and I were on the same page with physical desires and overall life goals, but he was also having his side piece that he wanted to stay with (and has now bought a house to live in with her), but he also wanted our life that I was essentially running for 5-6 months alone while he checked out. I am just not sure I'll ever understand why he chose to cheat for 9+ months. I think it was a loss... loss of feeling needed (I overperformed as he retreated and basically told him with my words and actions that I "didn't need him, but I wanted him in my life" thus making him feel less needed) and loss of youth (he's always hated turning older from when we were 25 on... dreads it, so having a girlfriend 10 years younger fulfills that some). But there was spark and chemistry with us, but I admit that I started pulling away from him when he wasn't emotionally connected and so that was all we had toward the end since I was reaching out so much and trying so hard and he was only there for sex and the image that divorce would project on him (I can only guess b/c he hasn't explained most of his actions and we stopped talking about us.)

I think we were married to the same pos.

[downtoearth]

Aug 13, 2019 18:12:53 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

Aug 13, 2019 16:47:58 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

cleo29 , interesting perspective. I think b/c XH and I were on the same page with physical desires and overall life goals, but he was also having his side piece that he wanted to stay with (and has now bought a house to live in with her), but he also wanted our life that I was essentially running for 5-6 months alone while he checked out. I am just not sure I'll ever understand why he chose to cheat for 9+ months. I think it was a loss... loss of feeling needed (I overperformed as he retreated and basically told him with my words and actions that I "didn't need him, but I wanted him in my life" thus making him feel less needed) and loss of youth (he's always hated turning older from when we were 25 on... dreads it, so having a girlfriend 10 years younger fulfills that some). But there was spark and chemistry with us, but I admit that I started pulling away from him when he wasn't emotionally connected and so that was all we had toward the end since I was reaching out so much and trying so hard and he was only there for sex and the image that divorce would project on him (I can only guess b/c he hasn't explained most of his actions and we stopped talking about us.)

I think we were married to the same pos.

I'm, sadly, discovering that there are so many more out there like this. Not ones I know personally, but so many similar infidelity stories, right down to their reasons and excuses for cheating. It's like there is a textbook for what to say and how to deceive that is just ingrained in some people. In reality, it's just gut-reactions to shame and guilt that make them justify their actions after they have stepped over the line, huh?

[tiramisu]

Aug 14, 2019 11:06:12 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 13, 2019 18:12:53 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

I think we were married to the same pos.

I'm, sadly, discovering that there are so many more out there like this. Not ones I know personally, but so many similar infidelity stories, right down to their reasons and excuses for cheating. It's like there is a textbook for what to say and how to deceive that is just ingrained in some people. In reality, it's just gut-reactions to shame and guilt that make them justify their actions after they have stepped over the line, huh?

I think that's exactly what it is. Though it does end up seeming/feeling like there must be some handbook they all picked up.