I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
So, your SO is a people pleaser except when it comes to you? Look at all you've said. He's mad at you for pushing him on this - so clearly pleasing YOU isn't a priority here.
I also want to say - how long does your SO expect this to go on, how long does he think it's really sustainable? And how does he think his brothers wife and her family will react if (and most likely WHEN) they find out you all have been lying all along?
I think it's time to own up to this and he needs to find a way to say "I've moved from teaching into IT".
Your SO needs to also work on figuring out why he doesn't value himself more, why his self value isn't better. Because to agree to and try to sustain a lie like this shows that he agrees with this assessment that is being passed down to him.
He needs to figure out how to be PROUD of what he does and secure enough in his life and himself that he doesn't care what these people think of him.
I wouldn’t lie. I would say he is still at the school and not get into teaching or IT. Although it sounds like they asked you directly.
They don’t sound like people you want to hang out with so maybe you can limit your time with the family. I am not fan of my sister’s husband’s family and I don’t feel too bad because my sister isn’t a big fan of them either.
I feel bad for your SO. His brother is a doctor who married into a family of doctors. Your SO has been made to believe by his own brother that his job is so embarrassing that he has to lie about it.
I would definitely continue to support your SO in going to therapy, while being firm that you won’t continue with brothers lie. Sounds like SO doesn’t even realize how fucked up the situation is =(
We have a christening coming up for M and R’s son, and SO is all worried that I’m going to ruin it and if M knew that I didn’t want to lie, then M wouldn’t have invited me. That hurt. A lot.
THIS right here is what is really fucked up. His brother wants to EXCLUDE YOU from family events because you don't want to LIE. And your SO, AGAIN, is more concerned about appeasing his brother that he can't even see that this is something that he should actually be MAD about.
Dude. This isn't right.
And as someone else said, this isn't YOURS to "ruin". This iisn't even something that should even be at play! And this is 100% squarely on his brother for asking him to lie, and it's 100% on your SO for agreeing to it and then getting mad at YOU.
I would not end an otherwise great relationship over this. But I do agree the lie needs to end, and I also think you need to shut it down with your SO about you "ruining" the christening over this. This would not be your fault, and I think your SO needs to learn to how filter hurtful things that you don't need to hear.
His brother's lying to his wife and in-laws would be the thing that ruins this. If I were the SIL I'd be so pissed at my H for lying to me about this. It's not even important! What's the point of the lie? Lying is generally not a great quality but lying about something that has absolutely no effect on SIL or her parents seems even more unnecessary.
Personally I'd try to bolster my SO's confidence about his job and remind him that if his brother thinks he needs to be ashamed of him, maybe he needs to distance himself from his brother (maybe find a nicer way of saying it). Frankly I can't imagine caring all that much what my siblings or their SO's do. It has absolutely no impact on me.
What in the actual fuck is even going on here? No, I would not lie about what my husband does for a living. Not to his brother. Not to my sister-in-law. Not to my sister-in-law's family. Not to anyone. We've got enough actual shit to worry about without having to add on some bullshit nonsense to make someone else feel better about our own life choices. Get the fuck out of here with that. And if they don't like it, as if they even should care, then they can go fuck themselves. Who needs people like that in their lives?
Post by thelurkylulu on Aug 20, 2019 9:35:49 GMT -5
Unless SO is in the CIA or witness protection, there is no reason to lie about such a silly thing, especially to impress people.
And yes, this is a red flag. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Who gives a shit what your job is as long as it’s on the up and up? Why is his whole family participating in this charade?
I would not end an otherwise great relationship over this. But I do agree the lie needs to end, and I also think you need to shut it down with your SO Frankly I can't imagine caring all that much what my siblings or their SO's do. It has absolutely no impact on me.
Seriously. I don't even really know what my SILs and BIL do. I know the general industry they work in and that's actually it.
Your SO needs to grow a pair and stand up to his brother. YOU should not be expected to lie for any reason especially this one. He (your SO) sounds like an immature fellow, and seems to care more about his brother's in laws then he does about you. I just don't get it at any angle. If you have a child will they also be expected to lie about daddy's job? The whole situation is bizarre these people aren't even related to him!
Your SO needs to grow a pair and stand up to his brother. YOU should not be expected to lie for any reason especially this one. He (your SO) sounds like an immature fellow, and seems to care more about his brother's in laws then he does about you. I just don't get it at any angle. If you have a child will they also be expected to lie about daddy's job? The whole situation is bizarre these people aren't even related to him!
I'm glad your partner is working through this stuff in therapy. but his brother's an asshole, and I'd be pushing him on this to put his foot down. It's not a deal breaker for me, but I would not continue to lie. If he can't handle that, then you can decide your next step.
Your SO's brothers in-laws are absolute trash if they care this much about what your SO does for a living. This is so messed up. Try to reframe this with him. Instead of worrying about lying and what they think, focus on how they are so close-minded and snobbish that this even matters to them. What petty little people they are. Their good opinion is worthless.
Your SO's brothers in-laws are absolute trash if they care this much about what your SO does for a living. This is so messed up.
What also gets me is that this is basically "Oh- because you have $$, I'm supposed to care what you think.".
But.... why? Why do "we" succumb to this and feel their opinions are more valid than our own simply because they are rich??
Which then begs the question - what exactly will happen if they find out the truth? So... they'll just continue to look down their noses? Is that really any different than what they do now? They'll think lesser of the OPs SO? But.... what does that really even MEAN? What actual 'thing'/event will happen?
Nothing! nothing will actually change except they'll know the truth. And I guess look down their noses "more". But to absolutely no end what-so-ever.
Your SO's brothers in-laws are absolute trash if they care this much about what your SO does for a living. This is so messed up.
What also gets me is that this is basically "Oh- because you have $$, I'm supposed to care what you think.".
But.... why? Why do "we" succumb to this and feel their opinions are more valid than our own simply because they are rich??
Which then begs the question - what exactly will happen if they find out the truth? So... they'll just continue to look down their noses? Is that really any different than what they do now? They'll think lesser of the OPs SO? But.... what does that really even MEAN? What actual 'thing'/event will happen?
Nothing! nothing will actually change except they'll know the truth. And I guess look down their noses "more". But to absolutely no end what-so-ever.
Well, I guess the problem at this point is that they will probably be mad at the brother for lying about it. So I guess I can understand why the brother would want to continue the lie, otherwise he's caught lying. Still, I don't understand the lie in the first place and really - brother getting caught for lying is not OP or her SO's problem. If brother's in-laws decide they are mad at everyone for lying and judging SO's job, then it doesn't sound like any big loss for SO. Too bad for the brother, but he should have never lied to begin with.
OP I hope your SO doesn't let his continue to cause a problem in YOUR relationship.
Your SO needs to grow a pair and stand up to his brother. YOU should not be expected to lie for any reason especially this one. He (your SO) sounds like an immature fellow, and seems to care more about his brother's in laws then he does about you. I just don't get it at any angle. If you have a child will they also be expected to lie about daddy's job? The whole situation is bizarre these people aren't even related to him!
That seems a little extreme.
She's also already said she doesn't want kids.
I did not see the part about not wanting kids, but to me a liar is a liar. And if she says she doesn't want to lie and he gets mad at her for it, Ill stick with the part he's more worried about them, then her.
He was complaining about the birth rates in Germany and I stated that I’m not interested in having children. I said the birth rates will go up because of the influx of refugees and they tend to have big families. He didn’t like that.
Oh so the family is racist too.
Look, your SO’s brother and his in-laws ain’t shit. As long as he continues to lie, he’s implicitly endorsing their classism and bigotry. That’s a bigger problem than lying.
Post by klingklang77 on Aug 20, 2019 14:14:11 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry for the post and run. I had to do errands.
I agree with everything that has been said. As of now, he hasn’t answered me about anything, so I’m pretty sure that he is just thinking or decided to take me up on my “please leave me” offer if he can’t deal with this. Oh well. But this is important to me and I’m not going to let it go.
Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry for the post and run. I had to do errands.
I agree with everything that has been said. As of now, he hasn’t answered me about anything, so I’m pretty sure that he is just thinking or decided to take me up on my “please leave me” offer if he can’t deal with this. Oh well. But this is important to me and I’m not going to let it go.
Thanks again for the advice everyone.
Seriously, if he's willing to let go of a 2 year, otherwise great relationship to not feel THE HORROR AND SHAME of being known to be in IT by HIS SISTER AND LAW AND HER PARENTS, he has way bigger issues than you can ever help him with. He's gotta take care of that shit himself.
Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry for the post and run. I had to do errands.
I agree with everything that has been said. As of now, he hasn’t answered me about anything, so I’m pretty sure that he is just thinking or decided to take me up on my “please leave me” offer if he can’t deal with this. Oh well. But this is important to me and I’m not going to let it go.
Thanks again for the advice everyone.
Seriously, if he's willing to let go of a 2 year, otherwise great relationship to not feel THE HORROR AND SHAME of being known to be in IT by HIS SISTER AND LAW AND HER PARENTS, he has way bigger issues than you can ever help him with. He's gotta take care of that shit himself.
Best of luck to you.
Yeah, all of this.
Like, i'm sitting here shaking my head that someone would be so embarassed about *gasp* their sibling working in IT that they'd go to this length? No. I just...no.
We have a christening coming up for M and R’s son, and SO is all worried that I’m going to ruin it and if M knew that I didn’t want to lie, then M wouldn’t have invited me. That hurt. A lot.
THIS right here is what is really fucked up. His brother wants to EXCLUDE YOU from family events because you don't want to LIE. And your SO, AGAIN, is more concerned about appeasing his brother that he can't even see that this is something that he should actually be MAD about.
Dude. This isn't right.
And as someone else said, this isn't YOURS to "ruin". This iisn't even something that should even be at play! And this is 100% squarely on his brother for asking him to lie, and it's 100% on your SO for agreeing to it and then getting mad at YOU.
Yes! All of this. I'm also stuck on the idea of "if SIL's family found out they would judge him". Okay, so they can judge him. Why would either of you care? Their opinions have nothing to do with you and there's no need to give them this power over you. if your BIL wants to live his life based on impressing his ILs that's his choice, but there is no need for you and your SO to make the same choice.
I am having a hard time envisioning a place where working in technology is a BAD thing. If the brother is going to be a jerk, can’t he at least just make up a fancier title for his real role, like “enterprise technologist” or “enterprise technology advisor”? Maybe that is a happy medium solution? (Not that you should need one—there is zero shame in what he does!!)
Does he have a LinkedIn profile? If so, what does it say? I am dying to know how far this deception goes. Like is he missing out on recruiter calls because of his dedication to this lie?
I think it is good that you won’t go along with it. It’s not even the job/lie issue as much as it is a relational issue with his family that I am sure will crop up in other obnoxious ways if he is not willing to put his foot down.
Post by klingklang77 on Aug 20, 2019 15:53:27 GMT -5
Ugh, so I heard back from him. He basically said that he thinks I’m going to ruin the christening because I choose not to lie. This is gaslighting 101. I said I’m not going to get up and make an announcement, lol, but I’m not going to lie that he works in other cities at a different sort of job. That’s if I’m even asked that question. Then he told me to get off my high horse and he feels sad that I’m behaving like this. I kind of flipped out at that one line. I told him maybe I need some time because he doesn’t seem to be making our relationship a priority. I think I just need a break for a few days.