I don't disagree that the lie makes no sense and that SO might be hiding something else, but I can't figure out what. I don't think it's another woman. If he was married, I'm pretty sure OP wouldn't be hanging out with his family so much. Everyone knows she's his girlfriend and it seems unlikely that nobody in his family would know about a wife. I don't really even see how it could be another woman. Why would his entire family support him having a second girlfriend and why would SIL's knowledge of his job somehow let that cat out of the bag? If anything, if he was hiding another woman it would make more sense to be honest about his current IT job because it would give him a convenient reason to be out of town so much. Or is that what people are thinking is the lie?
I agree with whoever upthread said that this was becoming a ML thing where it gets blown out of proportion and it's not a relationship ender. Frankly, I'm less concerned about this lie at this point, which seems to be more to protect BIL from getting caught in a lie than about the actual lie being about something important. I am more concerned about his reaction to your pushing back, his siding with his family over you, and the strange way of communicating when going through something major (not wanting to make time to talk, avoiding talking on the phone after someone has suggested ending the relationship, etc). I don't think any of this is insurmountable, especially if this is the first big fight you've had (it does take some practice to learn to communicate and fight well with a person) but I do think it needs to be addressed in order for the relationship to have a chance to continue in a healthy way.
Post by Leeham Rimes on Aug 22, 2019 15:07:38 GMT -5
I don’t see him having a secret life, I guess I could be wrong but I just don’t see it.
This is a fucked up family dynamic and a boyfriend that has lived in said fucked up dynamic his whole life. I mean, I’m not saying he’s some totally innocent victim but, as having lived in a very fucked up family dynamic, I honestly had no idea what I lived wasn’t “normal” until well into adulthood. (Even now, I’ll say “I had a totally normal childhood” but really, it wasn’t. It wasn’t horror story either but still) and I’m still paying the price mentally and trying to stop myself from becoming my parents.
People lie. My mother is a liar. She lies about everything and anything bc “everything is a reflection of her”. It’s stupid and I don’t participate but doesn’t stop her from trying to normalize the lying/gaslighting me every chance she gets. She lies about the stupidest stuff. Stuff that isn’t even worthy of a lie. But yet she lies. (I’m sure it goes hand in hand with her enabling my alcoholic father)
This may or may not be breakup worthy, just depends on if he realizes how messed up this all is and is willing to change that. If he’s not willing to see the situation for what it is, then that is telling. If he’s willing to work on it, that’s also telling. OP, you can’t fix him. You can enable growth but you can’t force it.
Last Edit: Aug 22, 2019 15:13:02 GMT -5 by Leeham Rimes
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Aug 22, 2019 15:09:44 GMT -5
I’m sorry but I agree with sparky that something is up here. No one lies to this severe degree over a profession in IT. No. I’m not saying it’s definitely another woman, but it absolutely isn’t about IT. And if he’s so willing to lie for his brother to protect his wife’s family from finding out he’s in IT (no), then he really could be lying about so much more. That would worry me. As would him not being kind to me and excluding if I don’t lie.
I hope you get to the bottom of it.
And if by some utterly ridiculous chance this is really about IT, it’s too messy I wouldn’t be in this relationship with this odd dysfunctional family if he’s not truly on your side of honesty and basic stuff.
Is there more? Maybe. I would be worried that if SO is willing to start and perpetuate a lie like this, what else is he willing to lie about?
But at the same time, I can also see how this is really about some screwy family dynamics and self esteem. Does he feel he "has" to do this because it's for his brother? Does he not see his own worth and that what he does is NOT something to be ashamed of?
To what Leeham Rimes said, he may not realize how screwed up this is and needs outside perspective to start to see it.
... The lie is meant to protect the brother, I believe. ...
What does the brother need protecting from? Please provide specific examples.
It’s about protecting how his SIL and her family think of him. I think he is just ashamed of my SO. I wish I knew why and i can’t get to the bottom of it right now (wish I could). All I can say is I think the way his parents divorced really messed them both up. It was not amicable at all and the mother still isn’t over it after 25 years. SO tells me stories of things that happened and I really am sad for him that they happened. I think the brother is just trying to give off some perfect image and that everything is fine. In reality, it really isn’t fine, from my eyes. I mean for Xmas the brother won’t see either of the parents, so SO goes to his mom’s. His mom was really upset that he spent NYE with me. I usually go to NY to see my family for Xmas. We don’t have enough money to fly for him to come along, so he just saves and pays partly for my ticket.
SO just goes along to keep the peace. I’m now realizing how really messed up this really is.
Post by cattledogkisses on Aug 22, 2019 16:30:27 GMT -5
Man, I know it's easy to armchair quarterback and none of us are living your SO's life, but if one of my siblings was this ashamed of me and my perfectly respectable occupation I would no longer have a close relationship with that sibling, and I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to lie to make them more comfortable. Your SO's brother sounds like an asshole.
Post by Leeham Rimes on Aug 22, 2019 16:30:45 GMT -5
To go along with what you’re saying, klingklang, my mother grew up poor with an alcoholic and abusive father. I think she was just raised with “lie your ass off, everything is fine” (and also gaslights me with “well, your father could always be worse. He’s not physically abusive”) she likes to wax poetic about how wonderful her dad was on certain anniversaries (his birthday, his death day) as do the rest of my aunts. I’m sitting here all “uh. No. But whatever”
she also has a particular chip on her shoulder about wealth and status. She’s so preoccupied with It. She’s embarrassed bc I don’t own a house (I simply don’t want to. I hate home ownership) so she just focuses on where I live bc it’s expensive (even though she yelled at me bc it was expensive, lol. Wtf woman). It’s so weird.
All ^^ that to say, how you’re raised can really mess one up long term. And it takes a looooooooot to dig yourself out of it. (And i May never really be done with the digging, personally)
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
To be honest, I just wouldn't care. The brother clearly has status related issues and is probably not a healthy person himself. Insecure about his family compared to his ILs is probably the biggest thing.
I don't lie about my family, but MH's family is like some sort of perfect family. Sure, they have their issues, but all the kids went to college, are successful, etc. My family is just not like that. It doesn't bother me, because well, I grew up around a lot of perfect families, wealth, and Catholics (I mention this because it was something else that made me 'other' - I'm Catholic but my parents are divorced) and my family was two divorced parents remarried and a blended family, etc. I was used to being different/other and it just didn't matter. I'm not insecure about that. But some people would be, and if I hadn't grown up in an upper middle class environment where most people were like my husband's family, where I wasn't already used to fitting in but being different and having a different background, I think I might have felt like more of an outsider.
My mom is super insecure about things (I think because all her siblings are pretty successful and well off - and truly she is too, just not as much) and will lie about weird shit. I didn't realize how weird it was until I was on my own with my own family. My brothers handled our life differently too - my one brother had a lot of super rich friends and I think he had more insecurities. Most of my friends were just well off/comfortable.
Anyway, I guess my point is - insecurity and trauma make people do weird things. I still struggle to this day with how my childhood trauma manifests itself and my husband in his perfect family and totally normal boring childhood has a hard time understanding it. This is not an excuse for your SO or his brother because you do have to deal with these things, but if no one has ever pushed back before, I can kind of see how your SO is shrug whatever who cares if I lie about this and is fine perpetuating the lie and asking you to continue it. Shit isn't usually all that weird or bad until an outsider points it out to you and it's natural to be defensive. At least, IME.
To go along with what you’re saying, klingklang, my mother grew up poor with an alcoholic and abusive father. I think she was just raised with “lie your ass off, everything is fine” (and also gaslights me with “well, your father could always be worse. He’s not physically abusive”) she likes to wax poetic about how wonderful her dad was on certain anniversaries (his birthday, his death day) as do the rest of my aunts. I’m sitting here all “uh. No. But whatever”
she also has a particular chip on her shoulder about wealth and status. She’s so preoccupied with It. She’s embarrassed bc I don’t own a house (I simply don’t want to. I hate home ownership) so she just focuses on where I live bc it’s expensive (even though she yelled at me bc it was expensive, lol. Wtf woman). It’s so weird.
All ^^ that to say, how you’re raised can really mess one up long term. And it takes a looooooooot to dig yourself out of it. (And i May never really be done with the digging, personally)
I get this, but OP is getting a clear view of her SO’s unwillingness to reevaluate why he’s doing this crap. I would be thinking long and hard about how his habitual lying (and pressure for you to lie as well) will hold you back from being happy.
To go along with what you’re saying, klingklang, my mother grew up poor with an alcoholic and abusive father. I think she was just raised with “lie your ass off, everything is fine” (and also gaslights me with “well, your father could always be worse. He’s not physically abusive”) she likes to wax poetic about how wonderful her dad was on certain anniversaries (his birthday, his death day) as do the rest of my aunts. I’m sitting here all “uh. No. But whatever”
she also has a particular chip on her shoulder about wealth and status. She’s so preoccupied with It. She’s embarrassed bc I don’t own a house (I simply don’t want to. I hate home ownership) so she just focuses on where I live bc it’s expensive (even though she yelled at me bc it was expensive, lol. Wtf woman). It’s so weird.
All ^^ that to say, how you’re raised can really mess one up long term. And it takes a looooooooot to dig yourself out of it. (And i May never really be done with the digging, personally)
I get this, but OP is getting a clear view of her SO’s unwillingness to reevaluate why he’s doing this crap. I would be thinking long and hard about how his habitual lying (and pressure for you to lie as well) will hold you back from being happy.
Well, yes. This could still go either way. BUT OP just confronted him on this, possibly life long, history of “it’s totally normal to be ashamed and lie” a few days ago. She herself admits she hasn’t realized just how deep/bad/messed up this all is. To think someone, when confronted that this is all messed up, is going to say “yes. You’re right. I’m going to do a 180° instantly” is not reasonable. OP is under no obligation to wait for him to make the realization but she also is under no obligation to say “well, you didn’t change your entire life in 2 days, so gtfo” I’m sure there is a happy medium. OP doesn’t seem like she wants a life time of this anyway so I don’t think we have to worry on her behalf of being bagged down by crazy family BS.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
To be honest, I just wouldn't care. The brother clearly has status related issues and is probably not a healthy person himself. Insecure about his family compared to his ILs is probably the biggest thing.
This is what it is for me. There isn't a big lie somewhere else. I don't see it at all. I don't know how you guys get that vibe. The brother is just an asshole who is ashamed of his own family. He became a doctor and married into a rich family. His parents are divorced, he doesn't speak to either of them and his brother works in IT which from what I gathered means you're uneducated for the ILs. This is far from being the picture perfect family you want to portray to your high society ILs. Now, do the ILs really care what OP's BF does for a living? Maybe. They know he went to college since he once was a teacher. But obviously, appearances are extremely important for some people. I've realized that a lot of parents will lie about their kid's job. They are all managers or directors of some department when in reality, they are just employees.
klingklang77 did your SO and his brother grew up working class? Middle class? Upper-middle class?
What does the brother need protecting from? Please provide specific examples.
It’s about protecting how his SIL and her family think of him. I think he is just ashamed of my SO. I wish I knew why and i can’t get to the bottom of it right now (wish I could). All I can say is I think the way his parents divorced really messed them both up. It was not amicable at all and the mother still isn’t over it after 25 years. SO tells me stories of things that happened and I really am sad for him that they happened. I think the brother is just trying to give off some perfect image and that everything is fine. In reality, it really isn’t fine, from my eyes. I mean for Xmas the brother won’t see either of the parents, so SO goes to his mom’s. His mom was really upset that he spent NYE with me. I usually go to NY to see my family for Xmas. We don’t have enough money to fly for him to come along, so he just saves and pays partly for my ticket.
SO just goes along to keep the peace. I’m now realizing how really messed up this really is.
I know it might seem like I'm making light of this situation but I'm really not. I think putting his brother's embarrassment at your SO's career choice (which is a complete wtf in the first place but irrelevant to this conversation) is really telling and worth giving a LOT of thought to regarding if you want to be a party to this :waves arms at the bigger picture: at all.
Because if this is a lifelong dynamic, do you really want to come second every time? What about when SIL wants to do something as a family and your SO wants to "go along to get along" but you legit can't afford to? Or can't get the time off? Or just don't want to? It's always going to be YOU having to bend to keep the peace. Always. All. Ways.
I would really l look at how this situation plays out to be a predictor of how every issue resolves going forward. And if the words, "Why can't you ... just this one time" escape his lips I would run fast in the other direction. Because it's never going to be just this one time.
Yes, I do worry about the future. I don’t want to have to always bend over backwards. This is why I want to go to counseling for us both. I just want to nip this in the bud. I guess our communication isn’t the best during this fight. I want to take care of that because our communication has always been great.
What is your worry about what will happen if the brother’s wife’s family finds out? Because that’s for sure not your problem. It’s not even your SO’s problem. It’s the brother’s problem. So what’s the worry? You don’t need to waste 2 seconds of your life worrying about the consequences for him. I can actually see why your SO thinks the lie is NBD. Because there aren’t really any consequences for your SO.
I think it’s so typical of ML to assume that everyone involved is operating under an evil master plan because they are all deranged psychopaths. I have a feeling the truth is much less nefarious. What is that, Achem’s Razor, that says the simplest answer is the most likely answer?
I sincerely doubt that SO called his brother up and said “Guess what, I left teaching and got a new job in IT” and then the brother replied, “Oh my God, no! That’s so embarrassing, you must promise to never let my in-laws know!”
With the extra backstory about the parents divorce, I would bet that as a young man, the brother couldn’t believe how lucky he was to marry into such a “desirable” family and I bet his wife seemed like quite a catch. But after a few years, the shine wore off and he realized what a bunch of assholes they all are, including his wife. So when the job change happened, I can see that maybe the brother just wanted to avoid his in-laws snarky comments at the dinner table so he didn’t tell them. Not purposely, more out of sheer laziness. (I mean, there was all kinds of shit I didn’t tell my MIL about my family because her comments were so hurtful to me so I just avoided telling her anything about them.) So then, all of a sudden, months have passed and now it’s not lying to cover up the job change but lying to keep from being found out that he hadn’t told them in the first place. I don’t think he ever intended for it to be a lie, I think it just got away from him and now it has become a “thing.” I think it is quite possible that Brother is not necessarily ashamed of his brother’s job so much as he has realized his wife is a bitch and he doesn’t want to deal with her shit. He’s just covering for himself at this point, which is why he is afraid to have the OP at the christening. Oh, and he’s covering up the fact that he actually thinks so little of his wife and her family that he can’t just tell them the truth. He’s simply in denial and self preservation mode has kicked in at this point.
I think it’s so typical of ML to assume that everyone involved is operating under an evil master plan because they are all deranged psychopaths. I have a feeling the truth is much less nefarious. What is that, Achem’s Razor, that says the simplest answer is the most likely answer?
I sincerely doubt that SO called his brother up and said “Guess what, I left teaching and got a new job in IT” and then the brother replied, “Oh my God, no! That’s so embarrassing, you must promise to never let my in-laws know!”
With the extra backstory about the parents divorce, I would bet that as a young man, the brother couldn’t believe how lucky he was to marry into such a “desirable” family and I bet his wife seemed like quite a catch. But after a few years, the shine wore off and he realized what a bunch of assholes they all are, including his wife. So when the job change happened, I can see that maybe the brother just wanted to avoid his in-laws snarky comments at the dinner table so he didn’t tell them. Not purposely, more out of sheer laziness. (I mean, there was all kinds of shit I didn’t tell my MIL about my family because her comments were so hurtful to me so I just avoided telling her anything about them.) So then, all of a sudden, months have passed and now it’s not lying to cover up the job change but lying to keep from being found out that he hadn’t told them in the first place. I don’t think he ever intended for it to be a lie, I think it just got away from him and now it has become a “thing.” I think it is quite possible that Brother is not necessarily ashamed of his brother’s job so much as he has realized his wife is a bitch and he doesn’t want to deal with her shit. He’s just covering for himself at this point, which is why he is afraid to have the OP at the christening. Oh, and he’s covering up the fact that he actually thinks so little of his wife and her family that he can’t just tell them the truth. He’s simply in denial and self preservation mode has kicked in at this point.
Deranged psychopaths? I think there have been a few wild assumptions in here, but mostly people trying to make sense of it. You’re speaking like you’ve got the whole thing figured out, all nice and neat, but are making assumptions of your own.
You need to talk to your H about end game. I see how this could play out; the truth comes out, and instead of recognizing your BIL for the spineless liar that he is, the focus will be on you and your inability to keep up the charade. They’re already doing that, even if you can’t see it. The fact that your SO would allow you to feel any amount of guilt and shame over this, and the fact that he’s willing to allow it to affect your relationship is indicative in a major flaw in his overall character, which would be alarming to me.
Also, please stop saying it’s because they’re German lol. Being an elitist snob isn’t culturally exclusive. Since we’re generalizing, I was raised by, and am still surrounded by German people, and what they value most is hard work and integrity.
You need to talk to your H about end game. I see how this could play out; the truth comes out, and instead of recognizing your BIL for the spineless liar that he is, the focus will be on you and your inability to keep up the charade. They’re already doing that, even if you can’t see it. The fact that your SO would allow you to feel any amount of guilt and shame over this, and the fact that he’s willing to allow it to affect your relationship is indicative in a major flaw in his overall character, which would be alarming to me.
Also, please stop saying it’s because they’re German lol. Being an elitist snob isn’t culturally exclusive. Since we’re generalizing, I was raised by, and am still surrounded by German people, and what they value most is hard work and integrity.
I probably keep saying they are German because I can’t make any sense out of it. That’s the only answer I can seem to find. I don’t know why the brother started this lie. I do know my SO had a lower position of a cashier/salesman at this store, but the store got bigger and expanded into an IT company, so he got promoted.
What is your worry about what will happen if the brother’s wife’s family finds out? Because that’s for sure not your problem. It’s not even your SO’s problem. It’s the brother’s problem. So what’s the worry? You don’t need to waste 2 seconds of your life worrying about the consequences for him. I can actually see why your SO thinks the lie is NBD. Because there aren’t really any consequences for your SO.
I don’t really have any worries if they find out. I guess I would just know that his family wouldn’t like me as much after that since I refuse to keep on lying.
What is your worry about what will happen if the brother’s wife’s family finds out? Because that’s for sure not your problem. It’s not even your SO’s problem. It’s the brother’s problem. So what’s the worry? You don’t need to waste 2 seconds of your life worrying about the consequences for him. I can actually see why your SO thinks the lie is NBD. Because there aren’t really any consequences for your SO.
I don’t really have any worries if they find out. I guess I would just know that his family wouldn’t like me as much after that since I refuse to keep on lying.
At this point, half the family is not going to like you because you lied and the other half is not going to like you because you didn’t keep lying. You’re in a no-win situation.
Being away is one thing, but how would lying to his family cover up a wife or girlfriend? I genuinely don’t understand how anyone is getting that from the lie.
It’s dumb as hell. But I don’t think it’s a huge cover up of another family, what an odd conclusion to jump to.
What is your worry about what will happen if the brother’s wife’s family finds out? Because that’s for sure not your problem. It’s not even your SO’s problem. It’s the brother’s problem. So what’s the worry? You don’t need to waste 2 seconds of your life worrying about the consequences for him. I can actually see why your SO thinks the lie is NBD. Because there aren’t really any consequences for your SO.
I don’t really have any worries if they find out. I guess I would just know that his family wouldn’t like me as much after that since I refuse to keep on lying.
Fucked up family dynamics are hard to navigate, and it's easy to say "just tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may" but you mentioned you have no family there, so I can see why you don't want to do it. However, let's tease this out.
You don't want to keep lying, especially about something so trivial.
Your SO is getting pressure from his brother to maintain the lie or else.
Your SO is, in turn, pressuring you and saying that if you won't go along you'll be left out of things.
This is not a sustainable lie. The truth will come out at some point. Your SO can either realize this and tell his brother that it's gotten out of hand and he's not going along with it anymore, or he can stick to his guns and live with the lie to avoid rocking the boat. It's his choice to make, and guilting you allows him to shift the uncomfortable decision to you instead of sitting with it on his own.
I'm currently navigating an uncomfortable IL situation myself and I don't know where it's going end up, so I understand. But ultimately this is on him, not you.
I don’t really have any worries if they find out. I guess I would just know that his family wouldn’t like me as much after that since I refuse to keep on lying.
Fucked up family dynamics are hard to navigate, and it's easy to say "just tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may" but you mentioned you have no family there, so I can see why you don't want to do it. However, let's tease this out.
You don't want to keep lying, especially about something so trivial.
Your SO is getting pressure from his brother to maintain the lie or else.
Your SO is, in turn, pressuring you and saying that if you won't go along you'll be left out of things.
This is not a sustainable lie. The truth will come out at some point. Your SO can either realize this and tell his brother that it's gotten out of hand and he's not going along with it anymore, or he can stick to his guns and live with the lie to avoid rocking the boat. It's his choice to make, and guilting you allows him to shift the uncomfortable decision to you instead of sitting with it on his own.
I'm currently navigating an uncomfortable IL situation myself and I don't know where it's going end up, so I understand. But ultimately this is on him, not you.
This pretty much describes everything. I’m just stuck in how to make him say no more lies because he just wants to keep the peace. I told him he was being manipulative and he said that he wasn’t. I should just consider it as a warning as to what happens. That pissed me off a lot. I’ll get to talk to him face to face tomorrow. For now, I’m just going to relax and think things through. I have a ton of other stuff on my mind, so I don’t want to go into overdrive.
So, first of all, if (and again, most likely WHEN) the truth comes out, what "peace" will there be? This is a lie that can't be sustained indefinitely. It just can't be.
Also- what about keeping the peace WITH YOU???
Best of luck. I think you have some messed up family dynamics to dig through in order to come to a healthy resolution. I will HOPE for your sake and his that while you're taking this time to think this through, that SO IS HE and that maybe, just maybe, he'll start to realize how this is all a bad idea and SO unfair to you.
Being away is one thing, but how would lying to his family cover up a wife or girlfriend? I genuinely don’t understand how anyone is getting that from the lie.
It’s dumb as hell. But I don’t think it’s a huge cover up of another family, what an odd conclusion to jump to.
I've been noodling this too. I don't get it.
The TRUTH, as the OP knows it, is that he has to travel to multiple locations for his job. If anything, THAT is the lie! If he's trying to cover up multiple families - that's the lie right there. "Oh, I have to travel for work"
But this situation is that he is now lying to his brother's wife and ILs that he is actually a teacher and - in turn - DOESN'T have to go to multiple locations. (Which is a part of the OPs struggle - how does she, in just talking about their day to day lives, explain why he's in all these locations when supposedly he's only in 1 town 2 hours away??)
So... how exactly is this covering up this multiple family story??
Being away is one thing, but how would lying to his family cover up a wife or girlfriend? I genuinely don’t understand how anyone is getting that from the lie.
It’s dumb as hell. But I don’t think it’s a huge cover up of another family, what an odd conclusion to jump to.
I've been noodling this too. I don't get it.
The TRUTH, as the OP knows it, is that he has to travel to multiple locations for his job. If anything, THAT is the lie! If he's trying to cover up multiple families - that's the lie right there. "Oh, I have to travel for work"
But this situation is that he is now lying to his brother's wife and ILs that he is actually a teacher and - in turn - DOESN'T have to go to multiple locations. (Which is a part of the OPs struggle - how does she, in just talking about their day to day lives, explain why he's in all these locations when supposedly he's only in 1 town 2 hours away??)
So... how exactly is this covering up this multiple family story??
I think it is because the OP said in one of her earlier posts in this thread that her SO maintains three different homes. That immediately made people suspicious that he was hiding a family in one so they jumped to reply. But then later on, the OP explained that he has his own apartment, he also stays with her when he works in her town and therefore pays some rent and he also visits his mom. So it’s not really that he maintains three homes as that he sometimes spends the night in other people’s homes and helps them out financially. It’s just taken awhile for the people posting in this thread to actually keep up with the reading in this thread.
Being away is one thing, but how would lying to his family cover up a wife or girlfriend? I genuinely don’t understand how anyone is getting that from the lie.
It’s dumb as hell. But I don’t think it’s a huge cover up of another family, what an odd conclusion to jump to.
I've been noodling this too. I don't get it.
The TRUTH, as the OP knows it, is that he has to travel to multiple locations for his job. If anything, THAT is the lie! If he's trying to cover up multiple families - that's the lie right there. "Oh, I have to travel for work"
But this situation is that he is now lying to his brother's wife and ILs that he is actually a teacher and - in turn - DOESN'T have to go to multiple locations. (Which is a part of the OPs struggle - how does she, in just talking about their day to day lives, explain why he's in all these locations when supposedly he's only in 1 town 2 hours away??)
So... how exactly is this covering up this multiple family story??
I’ve been told by a few people in my life that he probably has a wife and child hidden somewhere. I’m always like what? I know his day to day life and I know our finances. There is no way that he would even have a double life. And if he did, then kudos to him (ETA: kudos because he really got away with something so impossible to hide). He works so damn much to provide for himself and part of my life that I have no idea how he would do that with a wife and child. Plus, I go to family events and I know them. I just want to be able to talk about our daily lives with everyone.
I feel limited. I mean we officially want to move in together next year, and I want to be happy about it. Do we make tons of money? No. But we have enough to get by. I got a large settlement from my divorce and he has savings and assets. Our jobs are both OK (I should be getting a better one next year). Why can’t I be happy about that? It’s like when we go to the brother’s everything is all about him. Nothing about how SO and I and how happy we are (well, not at this moment, but you get the idea). They totally ignore him. It is different when we are just with the father. He’s happy for us.