SOS - add yours

[mae0111]

Background- I haven’t visited my ILs in close to 2 years. It’s nothing against MIL or SIL, but DH drinks a ton with BIL when they are together, and he ditches me and the kids for the weekend when we go. So I drew a line and said that I didn’t want to be around the drinking and I didn’t him to have a fall back person during these visits, so I stopped going.

Also, I very recently confided in DH about my social anxiety. That I’ve been struggling with seeing people and socializing and having people over for several years. He was shocked and just thought I was stressed about perfection when his family or friends visited.

FF to last weekend. He wants to take the kids to see MIL, wants me to come. I said I’d only go if he promised not to ditch us and to keep his drinking under control. He half agreed, but then we argued about our last visit, when he left for lunch with friends and returned 6 hours later. He says NBD, I say BD.

Then he said, “Well Mae, unlike you, I actually like to see my friends and family. I don’t spend hours trying to figure out ways to get out of plans and avoid them.” I asked him to clarify. He said, “Well, that’s what you said, right? Your (air quotes) ‘anxiety’ right?”

Have you ever physically winced at a comment from your DH or a friend? I did.

Anyway, I can’t get in to see my therapist until Sept, so I’m pouring it out here. Add yours.

[waverly]

DH is actually doing really well right now, I am proud of him.

However, no on in my house seems to be able to make beds, throw clothes down the laundry chute, put trash/ recycle in the can as they stand literally in front of it, put their cereal away or clean up the cheese that they left all over the floor after making lunch.

And yes, I think we have both made cringe worthy statements to each other.  We keep trying to do better, but sometimes....

[traveltheworld]

My petty SOS - DH is not a hard-working person in generally and gets stressed easily. He got laid off 4 months ago, recently found a very short term contract (till end of September), and is now "too tired" at night to continue job hunting; so guess who is doing it for him - ME. We've been together 17 years so this is nothing new. But some days, it makes me really upset that I make 3x the money, carry all the mental load, AND still has to spend my "down time" helping him job hunt. But I just know that if I say anything, he'll feel extremely guilty, do it himself for a bit, get extra tired, and then get depressed....so yup...I'm doing it.

[186momx]

I asked DH to deal with dinner last night. DD's practices are getting over at 6 so I'm not getting home until 6:20. DH hates cooking unless it is an all day cook a chunk of meat in the smoker style cooking. He came up with hamburger helper (gag). I asked him to stop by Freds and pick up a couple of the TV dinners I like so I could have that instead. My thought was then he would pop the TV dinner in the oven so I could eat with them. DD and I get home at 6:20 and he is working on the hamburger helper but completely forgot about putting my TV dinner in as it was so stressful trying to figure out timing for dinner. I know this is petty but I was hungry and annoyed that he didn't do it and he knew he messed up as he said "see this is why you shouldn't have me deal with dinners". Easiest solution is for him to deal with gymnastics but he refuses to do that as it is boring. Guess I need to figure out some lighter fare crock pot dishes or make practice nights leftover nights.

[ECB]

Aw mae0111, I'm sorry. As he only 'kind of' agreed, I'd stick to my "no visit" policy. He probably only wants you to go because if he goes without, HE has to take care of the kids.

Don't do it. let him go with the kids. He'll figure it out.

I hope you can talk to him more about your social anxiety. Hopefully your therapist can perhaps give you some tips on how to get your DH to understand how this affects you and what it really means.

[k3am]

DD has been a turd lately. And DH's method of fixing it is cringeworthy.

She threw a fit on Saturday screaming about how she didn't have to listen to me because daddy makes the rules, not me. His response when we finally talk about it as a family? "Well, if daddy makes the rules, my rule is you listen to mommy." NO. DO NOT ENCOURAGE THE CHILD INTO THINKING THAT I DON'T HAVE EQUAL AUTHORITY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD.

And then he threatens her by taking away her ice skating lessons. YES, I get it. She LOVES ice skating and it's a lever, if we need it. But we paid for that, and we went into with a HUGE lecture/agreement that we don't miss lessons for ANYTHING. There are plenty of other things that she loves equally, perhaps more, that we can take away that haven't been paid for and that would actually make MY life easier. Like.. the kid is obsessed with playing with the neighbors. She cries if she doesn't get to do it. And she wants to do it EVERY day, vs. just once a week. And honestly? Playing with the neighbors happens at inconvenient time, ruins dinner, and makes a mess. Not to mention her having to overhear the kids playing outside and us telling them WHY she can't play. Let's take that away first.

DH has only recently started being home consistently in the evenings, and I feel like he's undermining me at every turn. And with DD's change in behavior lately, I'm at a loss.

[twinmomma]

mae0111, I'm sorry. That's a really hurtful response. I would skip the visit and let him know how much his reaction hurt you. Maybe write it down instead of talking about it if that's easier for you to articulate.

[rere]

Dh is getting on my last nerve with his lack of initiative about anything. He goes on and on about how his life turned out job wise like he had absolutely no choice, but he does nothing to change it. Go back to school, excuse, work on a promotion, excuse, get another job, excuse. He acts like he was so disadvantaged. I had no support for college and was on my own the entire way through, but I made it and found a job I liked. He just has no ambition, but doesn't really want to look at himself as a reason for anything. Same way with any argument, he just spends his time trying to come up with something I did instead of listening and learning what the issue is.

[xctsclrx]

k3am, those responses would spur a CTJ meeting in my house. I would try really hard not to say anything in front of DD, but after bedtime my H and I would be having it out.

Our response to that kind of comment. Is to laugh at DS and say no you have to listen to Mom and Dad equally and if Mom says it Dad will back it up, and If Dad says it Mom will back it up. Then I list all the grown ups he has to listen to. He is four so this still works.

mae0111, do not go. He will just ditch you again as he said it is NBD which translates to I really don't care what you think I am going to do what I want anyway.

[xctsclrx]

my SOS/vent/breakdown- I love my H, but lately I feel like everyone in my life is demanding something from me. No one is giving me anything and I am feeling it the most from my H, or maybe he is the safe spot that I can get angry about.

It is bad right now, I don't to talk to him, touch him or engage at all. Every time he talks to me I feel like it is a chore to respond. He is usually telling me everything I need to do, or asking a question he could figure out himself, or asking for adult time that I really don't want to give.

Its not just him though I feel this way about everyone. If I get a text I cringe, phone call and I don't want to answer, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to touch anyone, I need to be left alone and I have no way getting that. Even if I take a day off of work I get phone calls about work, from my team, boss, customers.

I am afraid to tell my H, because it will hurt his feelings even though it is not his fault, but he doesn't do anything to help either. He is not coming home from work until after the kids go to bed and all he does is bug me when I am ready to relax and zone out. Even now when he is out of town he wants to call and chat after the kids go to bed and I want to do is play on my phone a decompress.

I feel horrible about, but don't know what to do to fix it.

[covergirl82]

mae0111, I agree with xctsclrx, don't go.

I told DH after his extreme drunkenness on Saturday night that I'm never going to that particular event again (which he has consistently gotten shit-faced drunk at) unless he is DD and doesn't drink anything. It's no fun to have to worry about him making it back to the car, vomiting in the car, him puking half the rest of the night once we get home, and then leaving all the parenting and other responsibilities to me, when I've had basically half a night's sleep.

[waverly]

xctsclrx, I have definitely felt that way. I had a co-worker and DH using me as a therapist. I had to switch offices to get the co-worker to stop since the boss wouldn't talk to her like I asked him to, and I am not her boss. I had to send DH to therapy. Even now, I don't want to hear a 20 minute complaint session from him after I worked all day and took care of the kids. I actually feel like the date night babysitter has helped with this because OK your time is on Sat from 6-10. The rest of the time we can still talk occasionally, but he would always want to talk with the kids around interrupting us all the time and then he wonders why it is not good quality conversation.

And with the texts too, it is kind of like, What now? Especially when my dad was texting me 40 times a day. I threw a pillow across the room I think when he suggested I rent a van for 1800 for the month instead of him taking the $30 bus. I just couldn't anymore.

[mae0111]

xctsclrx - I understand how you feel. I feel very much the same way. For me, it’s stemming from feeling like absolutely no one in my house cares for or respects me. I’ve grown to expect it from my kids, but when DH clearly just doesn’t listen and/or forgets 90% of what we discuss, it makes me feel very small and not at all like chatting.

I don’t know how to fix it either. Talking to him doesn’t help. So I’m trying to figure stuff out in therapy.

[sandandsea]

Mine is minor but this weekend I told dh that we should invite his parents up for one of ds’s soccer games. (Which I thought was super nice of me as they aren’t easy guests). He replied “we really need to go visit them for a weekend” to which I rolled my eyes. It’s an 8+ hour drive and could take much longer. Dh works 60+ hours a week, has time consuming hobbies, has no time for tons of other stuff. We have 2 young boys with school and sports commitments. We don’t have any open weekends, no extra PTO, and driving down for a weekend means we leave here after 6pm on a Friday, drive all night, are there for maybe 30 hours, then get back late Sunday night and have to go to work/school Monday morning. ILs are retired with zero commitments and all the time in the world but they want US to travel to their house only because they like being on their turf (which is NOT kid friendly). None of this makes sense and it’s infuriating to me whenever it gets suggested.

[sdlaura]

mae0111, I'm sorry he said that about your anxiety. People without anxiety can have trouble understanding how you feel (I say this as the person without anxiety in my marriage, while DH has social anxiety), but that in no way excuses being mean to you about it. He should be going out of his way to help you manage it and feel comfortable about plans.

Anxiety also doesn't need to have anything to do with not waiting to go to your ILs to have your DH go out with his friends and drink too much. Even if I were the most extroverted, chill person in the world, that still doesn't sound fun. He can take the kids on his own if he wants to go.

[k3am]

sandandsea, "DH, that's a great idea, we can make it work. You can take Friday off work, pull the kids out of school, and drive to their house with the kids, I'll fly in after work, and plan to fly back Sunday afternoon to get us ready for the next week and you guys can drive back that night. I'm sure you'll be okay skipping a race weekend so we can prioritize going to them, right? Let me know which weekend you want to skip?"

Sounds really awful that way too, but at least you're not shutting him down. And he might realize how ridiculous this sounds.

[mustardseed2007]

mae0111, I'm sorry. DH and I both have social anxiety. It sucks and I'm sorry your H is being an asshole.

[mustardseed2007]

My H is being a total jerk but I don't even want to go into it right now.

[sandandsea]

Haha. I think he knows in his very logical scientific engineer brain that it’s not feasible. He just likes to say things we “should do” with no real way to make it happen. Like we should go camping another weekend This summer (said this weekend, school already started and we are camping next weekend), we should go test at C track on the other side of the country, we should take DS to Canada to test at X and X and X tracks with Y for two weeks next summer, etc. sometimes it baffles me how he has a computer science engineering degree.

I think I responded with something equally absurd like “we should retire and homeschool and then we’d have all the time in the world to go visit” after first rolling my eyes and saying “when exactly do you expect this to happen?” In a very nice and supportive tone of course.


His SOS would be “whenever I suggest to DW that we go visit my parents she turns into a snotty B about it”. Though he’d never actually say B because he doesn’t want to die.

[k3am]

DH has learned that suggesting his parents want to see the kids usually results in me suggesting he take the kids out and stay for the weekend.

He also is a "we should" person, but always in terms of things I should do. "We should go through the kids clothes and weed out what's too small" or "we should get DS a haircut" type stuff. There's nothing stopping you buddy, have at it. It doesn't need to be a group event.

[rere]

k3am, exactly! I often say I am not your damn personal assistant. If you notice something that needs to be done, by all means, do it.

[waverly]

k3am, rere, sandandsea, yup always with the shoulds. And it is usually a task that I have already done 50 times before like declutter kids bedrooms. Have at it DH.

[phdmomma]

waverly, rere, k3am, sandandsea, It's the pantry at my house.
"You should clean out the pantry." Umm...nope, it is organized by full of food. That I use to cook the dinners you like to eat DH.

[dglvrk2]

Aug 20, 2019 12:08:51 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

my SOS/vent/breakdown- I love my H, but lately I feel like everyone in my life is demanding something from me. No one is giving me anything and I am feeling it the most from my H, or maybe he is the safe spot that I can get angry about.

It is bad right now, I don't to talk to him, touch him or engage at all. Every time he talks to me I feel like it is a chore to respond. He is usually telling me everything I need to do, or asking a question he could figure out himself, or asking for adult time that I really don't want to give.

Its not just him though I feel this way about everyone. If I get a text I cringe, phone call and I don't want to answer, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to touch anyone, I need to be left alone and I have no way getting that. Even if I take a day off of work I get phone calls about work, from my team, boss, customers.

I am afraid to tell my H, because it will hurt his feelings even though it is not his fault, but he doesn't do anything to help either. He is not coming home from work until after the kids go to bed and all he does is bug me when I am ready to relax and zone out. Even now when he is out of town he wants to call and chat after the kids go to bed and I want to do is play on my phone a decompress.

I feel horrible about, but don't know what to do to fix it.

@xctzclrx, I wish I could give you a big hug right now! This sounds all too familiar to what I've gone through for the past four-five years. Some times are better than others and I've gotten better at advocating for myself, saying no, delegating tasks and outsourcing. It will always be a work in progress.

Is housework consuming for you? Could you hire help? Eg a cleaner? Or someone to watch your kids occasionally when your H is out of town, so you have some time to yourself?

Is there a colleague you can confide in at work? For me, verbalizing how I've felt about work burdens (to a very trusted colleague) has been cathartic. It doesn't take away the burdens, just knowing someone is in my corner helps though.

In terms of your husband...do you think he's already aware to some extent of how you feel? I can see where bring explicit would hurt his feelings. And, is it possible that it would help on the long term?

As much as it bothered my H to hear it, I've been explicit about when and how he can come onto me. He's bummed because he feels it takes away some spontanaity, but he knows what he'll get this way. He also always wants to talk on the phone when he's away on business (2-4 nights a week) right after I get out kids to bed. Once I explained how "done" I was by this point most nights and I may not want to talk, the phone calls got more manageable. Now he lets me know if there's something specific we must discuss and -it's nothing personal- that sometimes I have nothing more to give come 9:15 Western time!

My best wishes to you!!

[dglvrk2]

I mean Pacific Standard Time :-)