Tuesday Vent

[twinmomma]

I just need to vent. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I haven't worked a full, normal week in I can't remember how long between the divorce, my own therapy, kid therapy, doctor appointments, and a million other stupid things that have popped up. ExH doesn't handle a single kid related thing. He "can't" because of his job. He keeps telling me that soon he'll have more flexibility, but there's not a chance I believe it given how our entire marriage went. Thankfully my CEO is understanding, but I can only bank on that goodwill for so long. And it's just impacting my ability to do my job in a timely manner. 

I just had one employee leave last week and they don't intend to re-fill the position until Q4. So I get to pick up that slack. Another employee is on thin ice and may or may not quit if she doesn't line herself up for a PIP and the consequences of that first. And execs are inviting me to more senior leadership meetings, which should be exciting and a great opportunity for a promotion. But most of those meetings will conflict with my ability to leave work and get the girls to gymnastics on time once the school year starts up. So I have to navigate the "yes, I want the promotion and am dedicated to my job" with "but I also have to take care of my kids on my own and need time to do that."  Oh, and I'm trying to pull off a professional video shoot in the next two weeks because they just approved the budget for that but I'm on a crazy deadline with it. 

I also have my conference looming, which should be super fun. But employee with issues is going, ExH will be attending, and I will be out of the office for yet another week. So I just have this sense of dread about the entire thing. 

This all brought to you by the fact that camp called this morning to tell me that DD1 isn't feeling well and I almost immediately burst into tears. If I have to go pick her up, I don't know what I'm going to do. If I force ExH to pick her up, I will never hear the end of it because he will have to take the time off unpaid. Nevermind the fact that I'm already paying for everything for the kids, so his bills aren't my problem and I'm trying to figure out how to float all the back to school expenses right now myself. 

Ugh. I'm exhausted. Thanks for listening. 

[mae0111]

I don’t know if I have any good advice, other than I’m sorry this is happening and I hear you. When I was working FT, H was extremely unreliable. If he promised something kid-related when I had a rare after-work commitment that couldn't be done at home, he was about 50% reliable. And forget about travel. I got to a point where I just turned down all travel because it was too hard to coordinate. Luckily I was in a position to just send a subordinate, and I made sure they wanted to go.

What saved us was a super reliable, super flexible nanny. She could stay late whenever. She could even do overnights when needed (for $$$$). I still felt guilt, but she loved our kids like her own, so that made it a little easier. Is that an option? I forget what your after school and vacation arrangements are. And if ex-h is dropping the ball, he should pick up the extra expense of OT.

I hope things calm down soon.

[traveltheworld]

twinmomma, that really sucks. I'm sorry. Do you have any SAHM friends that could possibly help even if you are not super close? I dread asking for help, but I read somewhere that asking someone for help is actually a way to deepen a friendship - provided that you are not taking advantage of the other person too much.

[waverly]

I agree with mae0111 . I know finances are likely really tight, but you need a lot more help than you have since your Ex is worthless. Back up sitter or daycare for sick days? Someone to drive DD to gymnastics or switch to later time/ or weekend? Also, if you feel you are in a good place therapy and health wise for you and the girls, you might consider dropping or spacing out some of the appointments. 

And I get it. DH and I have been through so many different scenarios and schedules. However, the one that most often occurred was that he was traveling Mon-Thurs with no input into his schedule and no flexibility. Unlike your H who I think could definitely figure it out and help, it was purely based on the job and not really his fault. But it grated on me to be the one to do all drop offs, all pick ups, all dinners, all dishes, all homework, all extra-curriculars and the list goes on and on. I have most certainly screamed at him because I couldn't get my hair done one night.

I also have to turn down all travel unless I can get my mom to stand in for me, which also grates because he travels all the time with no concern in the world.  I would avoid the crap out of ex and employee.  Conferences are typically a lot of people, so it can be done even if you are in the same room sit elsewhere.

[twinmomma]

Thank you all.

I don't think I can afford a nanny. When the girls were babies we had one part-time and there's no way I could pull off that kind of cost right now. Before/after care at the Boys and Girls Club is going to work out ok when the school year starts as far as hours, but it just doesn't give me any flexible back up to cart the kids around to anything. It's those pop up appointments and sick days that are killing me. My sister is usually a pretty good back up option for known events and travel in the evenings, but I have no real back up for during the work day. There's no way for me to give up work travel, events, etc. That's a required part of my job.

I have the last therapy appointment for the kids this week, so that will free up a chunk of time in my schedule every other week. I don't think I'm going to stop mine though. I try to fit it into my lunch break, so it doesn't impact my schedule too badly. It just feels like yet another thing on top of all the other stuff lately, unfortunately. It also feels like I shouldn't have to give up my one thing for myself. I'm not ready to drop it yet.

If I take a step back at work and don't go for this promotion, I don't now if/when the opportunity will present itself again. The status and the potential raise would be big. And I'm good at what I do, I don't want to have to downgrade my career because my ExH sucks. It's so frustrating.

[xctsclrx]

twinmomma, I think what would help you the most is finding someone who can help shuffle the kids to the extras. Ask around for a car pool for gymnastics. Obviously, you would need to do something in return, but that could be $10 a week for gas. If these meetings are 1 or 2 times a week maybe scale back on the gymnastics to not have those days.

For me my home office is a life saver. I can put the kids to bed and then work 2-3 hours before I go to bed. If that is at all a possibility that might help the drowning feeling. When I plan extra curriculars I always make sure that I can commit to it. Luckily my leadership is pretty on board with not doing meetings like that at the end of the day. We do all of ours starting about 9 am.


My H travels enough that I don't count on him for anything anymore, it pisses me off because he doesn't have any consequences. he 'has to' do it, and to be fair he does have to. At least for 3 more years. I still resent the hell out of it.

[waverly]

If you get more money with the promotion then you could hire more help. Since they are school age I wasn’t really thinking nanny. Aftercare can still work- more like making a list of people that can help including drop in daycare if they allow for sick kids, occasional use sitters, carpool, neighbors- even the 15 year old neighbor kid or friends kid could watch them if sick in the summer. I even have a list of all the places that do kids night out, and we now have a date night babysitter weekly which is pricey but no where near aftercare for 2 kids. . It just makes me feel better to write it down in case of an emergency probably because I have no family nearby.

[supertrooper1]

twinmomma I'm sorry you're on the verge.

I know exactly how you feel about asking your ex to help or cover. Mine is fairly reliable, but just broaching the subject is something that I'll never hear the end. I ended up with 20 complaining texts about how much time it took him to cancel our home phone that I was still being charged for even though I hadn't lived there since May.

I keep telling myself, this too shall pass and I'll get through it. I know it will be stressful getting through the appointments, but the promotion is something that I wouldn't pass up on. And I don't think I've worked a full week in quite a while either. I feel guilty, but my coworkers that have been covering for me don't seem to care. They know I'll return the favor in the future. Can you rely on your other teammates for now and delegate more work to them?

[hocus2]

I have found a few college students who will do sick coverage on a day to day basis. I would look into it. Yes it isn't cost effective but it can keep you in good standing at your job. I do sometimes need to take off but it cuts it down by half at least. I you can work from home I'd also consider some of the special services that do short call sitters. (e.g. sitters in a pinch) I feel like if I'm working from home and I can keep an eye on things.

I would also look for carpool options for gymnastics. Even if you offer to pay for gas you can start to off load some of that work. Or just move it to a different day or stop entirely for this year and pick it up next year.

In terms of bills I would also inquire with your school and/or the PA if they have any programs to help defray costs. We offer some support. It varies from year to year but we certainly support families in several ways from paying for field trips to helping with afterschool costs.

[sdlaura]

Hang in there, twinmomma. If it's any consolation, I don't think a normal week really exists when you're a working mom. Let alone a single, co-parenting with an unreliable XH mom. I have a very involved partner and never have a normal week either, though. There's always a doctor's appointment, or school function, or something I have to do. I just fit it in when I can and make up some work after kids go to bed when necessary.

From a practical standpoint, I think you should throw some money at this problem to preserve your sanity. You need a roster of babysitters you can text when something comes up. I pieced together care for a sick kid between two babysitters and me coming home a little early the other day. One was available for a couple hours and the other for a few hours. You need to have that since you can't rely on your ex to step in. Also, did you end up getting the two screens to do work from home? That will help too.

Stay strong!

[mustardseed2007]

Maybe they need to take a break from gymnastics. Is that possible? Is there an end in sight to the way the money works where in the future you could get hired help to get the girls some place?

Also, I found a therapist who will see patients on weekends or between 6-8pm on week nights. It's been a major relief to be able to go to therapy but not feel like I'm having to leave during the working hours.

Do not pass up on going for the promotion.

[sdlaura]

Also - let go of the guilt. You're an amazing mom and going through a tough time. Cut yourself some slack and just keep doing the best you can

[twinmomma]

mustardseed2007, This is the first year they'll be doing gymnastics. We signed up to be in the class with their BFF. They don't really do any other activities, so it seems unfair to them to ditch it before we even start. I specifically coordinated a class on a day when I have them so that there would be no excuse from ExH about logistics. I may be able to ask their BFF to drive them once in a while, but they are also working parents so I don't want to burden them with the task weekly, especially since I suck at being able to return the favor right now.

waverly, I like the idea of writing down all the options to have in one place. I think that would definitely make it a lot less overwhelming.

Money will get better if/when I make more money. lol I'm not broke. But my monthly budget is tight with no real wiggle room for extras. ExH will never have to pay unless he somehow miraculously got some crazy job that paid him an insane salary. HA.

[mustardseed2007]

twinmomma, for what it's worth, DS sometimes misses karate and I've had to call and cancel DD's speech therapy (one time an hour before we were supposed to be there) in order to accommodate my job. If it happens that you HAVE to do that once in a while, please give yourself some grace about it.

[waverly]

twinmomma, carpooling definitely picks up naturally a lot more as the kids get older. My friend definitely did way more of girl scouts, but that was what she wanted because her daughter is the scared to be away from mom type. And I was happy to pick up kids from aftercare and have a play date. I hate asking for help, but it works if we all just know that we all want to help each other out. It was definitely a letting go process, but it has been good for the most part.

We also ended up with a bigger car, but that was not 100% for carpooling.

[k3am]

twinmomma, don't be afraid to ask about carpooling.

Or if you're together, bring up the difficulties you're having and they may just volunteer. It's almost LESS work for me on the days I take DD's friend to iceskating.

The worst that happens is they say no or they can only do it on occasion. And don't worry about keeping score with friends or parents of friends. Eventually will come a day where you're in a position to help out with a friend's kid, even if it's not the same friend. That old phrase "it takes a village?" It's definitely true. My goal is to be the friend who helps out when I can because I know that I eventually find myself in a position where I need to rely on someone else for help.

[sandandsea]

Definitely try to figure out carpooling if possible. We did it for soccer last year and it was life saving. Also as the kids get older I feel more and more comfortable with things like carpooling and play dates with unknowns.

[keh2oblue]

Aug 20, 2019 15:27:50 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

mustardseed2007, This is the first year they'll be doing gymnastics. We signed up to be in the class with their BFF. They don't really do any other activities, so it seems unfair to them to ditch it before we even start. I specifically coordinated a class on a day when I have them so that there would be no excuse from ExH about logistics. I may be able to ask their BFF to drive them once in a while, but they are also working parents so I don't want to burden them with the task weekly, especially since I suck at being able to return the favor right now.

waverly, I like the idea of writing down all the options to have in one place. I think that would definitely make it a lot less overwhelming.

Money will get better if/when I make more money. lol I'm not broke. But my monthly budget is tight with no real wiggle room for extras. ExH will never have to pay unless he somehow miraculously got some crazy job that paid him an insane salary. HA.

Can your kids go to the same after care as BFF? That would make carpools easier.

[phdmomma]

twinmomma, I agree with talking to BFF's parents, in the more nuanced way that one of the other folks pointed out. If one of my kids' friends parents was struggling, I would be happy to take the other kids with min for the whole session. It's like a scheduled play date, but I don't have to entertain anyone.

[librarychica]

Aug 21, 2019 8:25:16 GMT -5 phdmomma said:

twinmomma, I agree with talking to BFF's parents, in the more nuanced way that one of the other folks pointed out. If one of my kids' friends parents was struggling, I would be happy to take the other kids with min for the whole session. It's like a scheduled play date, but I don't have to entertain anyone.

Ditto.

Also, when it is your Ex’s day to care for kids, don’t let him harass you about it. So if he has to take unpaid time? This is no longer your problems. “I’m not available to discuss that with you.” End of story. I get that he is useless, but do not let him bully you in to taking on even more of his share than you absolutely have to.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[mommyatty]

What librarychica said. Also, I would have a hard time not saying “If you’ve changed your mind and want to let me have full custody, we can talk about that. Otherwise, you’re going to need to parent on your days. That means sometimes missing work or juggling coverage or not being able to go on a trip. I’m happy to be flexible, but right now it appears your idea of flexibility is you anticipate I will pick up the slack for you while you are never available to help me. That’s not acceptable. It wasn’t acceptable in a husband, and it’s even less acceptable in an ex-husband. When you are willing to help me out, let me know and we can revisit this.”

And document the hell out of this. Every missed day. Every time you pick up the kids on his day. Every time you have to miss work to take a kid to a doctor or therapist appointment. Then call your lawyer to see about memorializing the ACTUAL arrangement.

[covergirl82]

Aug 21, 2019 10:51:33 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

What librarychica said. Also, I would have a hard time not saying “If you’ve changed your mind and want to let me have full custody, we can talk about that. Otherwise, you’re going to need to parent on your days. That means sometimes missing work or juggling coverage or not being able to go on a trip. I’m happy to be flexible, but right now it appears your idea of flexibility is you anticipate I will pick up the slack for you while you are never available to help me. That’s not acceptable. It wasn’t acceptable in a husband, and it’s even less acceptable in an ex-husband. When you are willing to help me out, let me know and we can revisit this.”

And document the hell out of this. Every missed day. Every time you pick up the kids on his day. Every time you have to miss work to take a kid to a doctor or therapist appointment. Then call your lawyer to see about memorializing the ACTUAL arrangement.

All of this, plus document any costs associated with the additional child care coverage.

Hugs to you, twinmomma, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Eventually, most kids who go through this situation realize who puts in the time and effort, who truly cares, and who doesn't.  DH had/has the epitome of a dead-beat dad, and DH certainly doesn't take much time or effort to see him (and neither does FIL, frankly).  There is no value-add to our nuclear family by seeing DH's dad, so we really only see him at larger family functions (which are rare) for DH's dad's side of the family.  It seems like this is road your ExH is traveling down.

[186momx]

I've done a lot of extra kid pick ups this summer without a return favor but I know when I get into tax season and I need the extra help these parents will be able to help me then because they have done it in the past. I agree that it is a lot easier to carpool now that DD is 8 and by state law doesn't have to ride in a car seat (she still does). Make a list of people who can help you out and add them to the approved pick up list at both school and aftercare and at gymnastics.

If it is XH's night for the girls and you get a call saying they need to be picked up because XYZ you need to have who ever call XH and let him know and then ask if they haven't heard or seen anyone in 30 minutes to please call you back. XH needs to make his village (aka mom) to help cover on his days if he can't make sick pick ups works or doctors or sports otherwise he needs to give you full custody because if he is always going to default to you then you need the full benefits of be the go to person.

[phdmomma]

Dear Work Lunch Event,
You asked if I have a food allergy, and after I said I can't eat gluten you ordered my a sandwich from Panera (boxed lunches for everyone). Ummm...no. And saying that Panera doesn't have gluten free food is not true. I eat there, just not sandwiches. You don't have to accommodate me, but let me know so that I can bring my own food to a 3 hour lunch time meeting. But why ask if you are just going to throw away the sheet?
Signed,
Finally eating lunch at almost 3pm

[k3am]

Aug 21, 2019 12:35:34 GMT -5 186momx said:

If it is XH's night for the girls and you get a call saying they need to be picked up because XYZ you need to have who ever call XH and let him know and then ask if they haven't heard or seen anyone in 30 minutes to please call you back. XH needs to make his village (aka mom) to help cover on his days if he can't make sick pick ups works or doctors or sports otherwise he needs to give you full custody because if he is always going to default to you then you need the full benefits of be the go to person.

Honestly, I wouldn't even answer the phone on XH's day. Let them move onto the next name on the list and have him sort it. 

Heck, I do this on days where I think DH should handle it. As far as I'm concerned, they don't know if I'm screening calls, traveling, stuck in a meeting, etc. Most of the time they leave a message with me, call him, and he handles it. If he can't then I get a text or call from him and end up going. 

[waverly]

k3am, I should have listed DH first in some cases. But the problem is that they leave a message with me and then stop. They don't keep calling people down the list like they should. When I had jury duty, I didn't know if I would have access to my phone in court, so I had to send them an e-mail to keep calling everyone on the list, and even then who knows. I like that the school has a nurse, but she hasn't impressed me with being the most on the ball when it comes to things like that. Everyone is still pretty old school with calling mom. It works for us because he is 2% available and I am 98% available, but still it would be nice for him to field a phone call every once in a while which he can certainly do even while traveling.

[186momx]

Now my DH has his phone but leaves it at the office and only looks at it when he is done for the day. If I need to contact him I call his work phone but I can't give out his work phone as only his boss or the office is supposed to call him on it. For school and aftercare they have you number who to call. It goes Me cell then work, Grandma, Neighbor lady, old daycare lady and finally DH. No point in calling DH if he refuses to look at his phone and if either me or my mom don't answer our phones something is majorly wrong. DH's boss is also old school where the wife/mom should handle all kid stuff. His wife is a SAHM/wife.

[twinmomma]

Thanks all. I'm going to work harder on cracking down on XH and making him step up on his days. And try to get over the whole "asking for help" block that I have. Technically the decree does spell out that sick kids/random days off are to be covered by the person who's day it is. He just doesn't do that consistently because he always has his job excuse.

[waverly]

twinmomma, I mean it's not your problem that his job doesn't offer PTO. He should get a different job or better yet negotiate for it.

I suck at asking for help. It's a pride thing. Like these are my kids and I should take care of them, but that changes as they get older. Not that they aren't my kids and that I shouldn't take care of them. But their life is becoming more open to other people, they are becoming more independent, and it is a mental shift for me at every stage to adjust in every way not just this way, but I have to adjust because otherwise I hold them back. It's about helping other people out, partially, but it's also about throwing an extra kid or 2 in your car and kids having fun together which really that's not that big of a deal. It's something I am still working on...

[mae0111]

I also suck at asking for help, family included. However, I always offer it and I mean it. Now that I’m SAH and only working sporadically, I constantly offer help to working moms because I know how much it sucks to scramble while working. I drove my neighbor to and or from camp about 10 times this summer with no reciprocity expected. She was working, I could help, I was going there anyway, so it made sense.

twinmomma - you can offer to help in ways other than carpooling. Offer a play date so the parents can run errands or have a meal together. Or if another single mom, she can just get an hour or 2 to herself. Or there may be an activity later on that works better for your schedule and you can drive then.

I hope things calm down soon, on all fronts