MOOKS - learning to deal with people you don't like

[ECB]

I've struggled with how to get DS to better handle people/ situations where someone isn't nice to him/ are mad (he feels) at him. I want to find that balance between empathizing with him but also getting him to learn better ways to handle certain situations.  This is both other kids his age and adults.  He's 10. 

Recent examples from this week at soccer camp:

- as he broke his toe Sunday, he wasn't actually playing soccer.  So the director of the camp had DS periodically help with some of the younger kids.  At some point, a soccer ball was headed directly for a 4 year old.  DS went and kicked it to keep it from hitting her, but then the kids playing started yelling at him that another kid was about to kick the ball and DS ruined the shot.  

I don't think he cried over this one, but he was upset that they were all yelling at him - even his 2 friends - when he was just trying to protect the 4  year old.  It sounded like he started yelling back at the kids about how he was trying to protect the girl. 

- yesterday they went to Sky Zone in the afternoon.  One of the coaches- where yesterday was the first time he was at the camp - supposedly said that he wanted DS kicked out of Sky Zone because DS didn't do their ninja course properly.  His friends actually kind of backed him up on this.  Even though I was like "I don't think he can get you kicked out- ESPECIALLY AS YOUR'E WITH HIS GROUP!!!!  Where does he think you're going to go???".  It was an odd situation. 

DS said that he started crying, he didn't want to get kicked out, etc.  

now- when I picked him up yesterday, I heard this coach talking to some of the younger kids and he was pretty abrasive.  I wasn't overly thrilled with his demeanor and how he talked to the kids.  So - I don't totally discount DSs view of what happened.  I don't know that this guy is really good with kids/ knows how to handle them well

BUT - I want to try and get him to learn how to not react so emotionally.  It's o.k to be upset, but getting mad, crying, and sometimes even yelling - that's not going to help the situation.

I've talked to him about just turning and walking away from a situation.  Or - like when he said he didn't want to go to camp today because of this coach- I talked to him about not letting ONE person affect his day so much.  Focus on his friends, be as far away from the coach as possible, etc.  And even if he knows that he did what was right/ what was needed to be done (like the soccer ball about to his the girl), that he needs to have faith that he was right and simply not worry about other people not agreeing with him.

But.... it just never seems to change!  He takes things personally, and again , I want to have some empathy for him. But I also want to help him learn to basically let a situation/ other people's reactions roll off him. 

[pugz]

Ah this is hard. I think a lot of it comes with age and in some ways, peer pressure not to respond in a way that will get you teased. My 7 year old has OVER THE TOP reactions to things especially if she's stressed or tired. I know as a kid I really struggled in camps or new environments and would completely overreact if I got in trouble or yelled at. It was just a very emotional vs. rational response. Basically I had to grow a thicker skin, it was not something that could just happen overnight.

[ECB]

Aug 22, 2019 8:13:43 GMT -5 pugz said:

Ah this is hard. I think a lot of it comes with age and in some ways, peer pressure not to respond in a way that will get you teased. My 7 year old has OVER THE TOP reactions to things especially if she's stressed or tired. I know as a kid I really struggled in camps or new environments and would completely overreact if I got in trouble or yelled at. It was just a very emotional vs. rational response. Basically I had to grow a thicker skin, it was not something that could just happen overnight.

His friends all seem to handle these kinds of situations better than him and while I don't want him to get teased (because that will only add to his reaction), at the same time, I kind of want for his friends to be the ones to be like "dude - relax...".  I feel like that might have more impact than me trying to talk him through it!  

[VillainV]

Aug 22, 2019 8:19:03 GMT -5 ECB said:

Aug 22, 2019 8:13:43 GMT -5 pugz said:

Ah this is hard. I think a lot of it comes with age and in some ways, peer pressure not to respond in a way that will get you teased. My 7 year old has OVER THE TOP reactions to things especially if she's stressed or tired. I know as a kid I really struggled in camps or new environments and would completely overreact if I got in trouble or yelled at. It was just a very emotional vs. rational response. Basically I had to grow a thicker skin, it was not something that could just happen overnight.

His friends all seem to handle these kinds of situations better than him and while I don't want him to get teased (because that will only add to his reaction), at the same time, I kind of want for his friends to be the ones to be like "dude - relax...".  I feel like that might have more impact than me trying to talk him through it!  

As someone who gets emotional sometimes, being told “dude, relax” is absolutely not helpful.

I think you are right to tell him that it’s okay to have feelings (hurt, upset, frustrated) and that it’s okay for him to express those feelings, but it is NOT OKAY to yell, fight back, call names, etc (doesn’t sound like he’s necessarily doing these things, but you get the picture). He is also not responsible for managing how other people respond to his feelings. If it bothers them or annoys them, that’s OKAY. But honestly, people probably aren’t really paying attention and don’t notice as much as he thinks they do....and if they do notice/care, then SO WHAT.

If crying around other people makes him uncomfortable, he can try to think of something else, or remove himself from the situation (quietly remove himself to the restroom or let an adult know he’s going to go sit by himself for a few minutes) until he feels better. This is not the same as storming off. The trick is to keep himself calm while feeling what he’s feeling.

[ECB]

Aug 22, 2019 12:09:45 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Aug 22, 2019 8:19:03 GMT -5 ECB said:

His friends all seem to handle these kinds of situations better than him and while I don't want him to get teased (because that will only add to his reaction), at the same time, I kind of want for his friends to be the ones to be like "dude - relax...".  I feel like that might have more impact than me trying to talk him through it!  

As someone who gets emotional sometimes, being told “dude, relax” is absolutely not helpful.

I think you are right to tell him that it’s okay to have feelings (hurt, upset, frustrated) and that it’s okay for him to express those feelings, but it is NOT OKAY to yell, fight back, call names, etc (doesn’t sound like he’s necessarily doing these things, but you get the picture). He is also not responsible for managing how other people respond to his feelings. If it bothers them or annoys them, that’s OKAY. But honestly, people probably aren’t really paying attention and don’t notice as much as he thinks they do....and if they do notice/care, then SO WHAT.

If crying around other people makes him uncomfortable, he can try to think of something else, or remove himself from the situation (quietly remove himself to the restroom or let an adult know he’s going to go sit by himself for a few minutes) until he feels better. This is not the same as storming off. The trick is to keep himself calm while feeling what he’s feeling.

I actually fully agree with you.  I don't want his friends to discount his feelings either.  What I really mean is more that I would like for him to hear from his peers the things I've said to him.  His best buddy is totally chill about almost everything and I feel like if he said to DS "Hey, ignore that guy. It's not worth it" - it would sink in more.  

[waverly]

I was a sensitive kid, and it took a lot for me to grow a thicker skin. It does come with time, but I cried at 17 or 18 as a cashier because a customer was rude, and probably it wasn't even that bad- you know. Being in customer service helps grow that thick skin lol.

I think it is understandable to be upset when you have a broken toe, can't play and get yelled at for helping a 4 year old. Even at 10 years old. And the coach sounded like he was out of line. I don't think he meant it seriously because obviously your son is with HIS group, but he made it sound that way.

A lot of being a parent is repeating yourself a million times, which you can continue to have those conversations. Some of it is personality, and some of it he will outgrow. DS was crying even in 2nd grade a couple of times. And 1st grade forget it, he was a disaster. The sensitive personality too is not something to fix. He will likely always be a bit sensitive, and that's OK. Maybe make it more about managing emotions- that is always a good thing to do, and there are a lot of books on it. Even the silly books for toddlers are like oh yeah, I should be doing that as an adult. Our school social worker does a lot on it too.