Tomorrow would have been our 14th anniversary...

[downtoearth]

So... tomorrow would have been our 14th anniversary and I think it’s getting to me more than I’d like. I am sad and angry and wish I could acknowledge it somehow, but also want to avoid it completely. The worst part is that I have to see XH at back to school night and DS1’s bike practice.

How did you mark the occasion without actually saying anything?! I don’t know what to do about it, and I worry that I will revisit wedding pictures and albums bc I am sentimental by nature and want to reassure myself that at least 22 of our 23 years weren’t a total lie and deception. But I don’t really have a way to do that. Plus there is no way in hell I want him back as he is... or ever, but I am still hurt by his deception.

Any advice on how not to cry when I see XH or mention anything? Or any advice on how to mark the occasion as a good thing to embrace new changes and life?

[morecowbell]

Unfortunately I don’t have much advice for you - I will be facing this problem in November and am wondering the same thing. All I can really offer is strength to get through tomorrow and to keep in mind that “this too shall pass”...eventually.

On second thought, treat yourself with care and compassion and possibly do something for yourself you wouldn’t have normally done when you were with him. Set up a new tradition to replace any old ones where you can make new memories to cherish.

Stranger hugs to you!

[cleo29]

That was a hard weekend. Everything was very, very fresh. I think I went to the pool and hung out with girlfriends.

I had to see the OW drive by my house several times that day, on purpose, so that was fun.

[tiramisu]

I think the advice to be gentle with yourself is good. Try to distract yourself when you're home/tempted to look at sentimental things.

And the thing is, it wasn't a lie. He's just not the person he used to be anymore, which is sad, but not at all your fault or responsibility. But do try to go easy on yourself and have overall demands as minimal as possible. Give yourself permission to take a break if you get overwhelmed, too.

[bullygirl979]

Totally agree with tiramisu. Do something nice for yourself and recognize it's okay to be upset.

[klingklang77]

The first one was hard. I just kept myself distracted. I had met someone new at that point, so keeping myself distracted was easy. But the key thing is to take care of yourself and do what you like. My thing is I like to go out to dinner alone and read. Or even with a friend. Something that I can look forward to, you know?

[downtoearth]

Thanks everyone! Hoping to stay strong. I wish I had a distraction today - I have the kids and work, and two kid activities tonight, so that will have to do. But i’m Pretty sure tonight will be tough when kids are in bed. Maybe my new person and I can chat or text to keep my mind off the in-significance of the day.

[doglove]

Hugs. I agree with being gentle with yourself. It’s okay for you to be upset. Try to do something good for yourself.

[spindle92]

downtoearth, will tomorrow be the first anniversary since leaving?
The first is always the worst.
Like tiramisu said, those years were not a lie.

Hang in there, it will be a tough day but you will make it.

[downtoearth]

Aug 27, 2019 14:32:26 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

downtoearth , will tomorrow be the first anniversary since leaving?
The first is always the worst.
Like tiramisu said, those years were not a lie.

Hang in there, it will be a tough day but you will make it.

Thanks. I know it will be better, but I don't feel better.

Yes, it's actually today (posted this last night). So today is the first un-anniversary since we separated and divorced. I am not doing great today - have posted here and reached out to my sister and a couple friends, but still cried at work twice and am totally unproductive.

My head says that those years were not a lie, but my gut makes me wonder why he became so distant, why we weren't able to work through issues and why he wouldn't even talk to me or let me listen to his issues so I could understand. 

I'm not sure he has examined why he became distant and cheated and decided the other person was his out and moved in with her days after I kicked him out. So I don't think he could have even (or even now) given me a satisfactory or examined answer. I think that is what is hurting me so much right now. I'll never know if he was detached 10 years ago and faking it or if he really was only detached the last 5-6 months before I found out or if he even wanted to be with her? He basically said things like, "It just happened" and "I didn't want to leave you, but I couldn't stop being with her and I thought it would just get better or go away" or "I was never going to tell you." He was obviously relieved when I found out and so he didn't have to actually talk to me, and super relieved when I said I was done and wouldn't consider working through this.

But I still don't feel like I'll ever get closure or even respect after 20+ years together... and I have to get okay with not knowing what part I might have had or if it wasn't me at all and he has some issue. All he will say is, "It wasn't b/c of sex, our sex life was great. I just needed more affection and it just happened." Which is somewhat true from my perspective - sex was good, I needed more affection and was always the one making an effort with him (date nights, cuddles, taking time to just listen, small things to make his life easier, etc.). I think he meant lust, not affection. Even my therapist, who was our coparenting therapist at first and met XH, says I can't expect him to have examined this b/c he isn't emotionally developed. But I saw more emotion and depth during our relationship, so it must be in there somewhere and I can't temper my expectations yet.

[tiramisu]

downtoearth it's not your gut that's telling you all of that, it's your mind. The thing is, closure can never come from the other person, it has to come from within you. I can tell you that when someone cheats, it is about *them* and their needs/wants. It's not about you. It's not about us. No matter what, the person who cheated always has the choice to resolve things without sleeping with someone else. He made that choice because he was selfishly focused only on his needs in that moment and didn't want to deal with the emotional discomfort of true honesty. Him cheating was always about him. You deserve better.

[downtoearth]

Update - Yesterday I bought myself a fun ring from a little boutique in my town as a commitment to myself to be true to my feelings and to honor the journey I'm on. And while I was paying for the ring, something amazing happened - my new person invited me on an amazing overseas vacation later this year/early next year. So... I have amazing things to look forward to as I continue to work on me this year.

[klingklang77]

Aug 28, 2019 15:35:31 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Update - Yesterday I bought myself a fun ring from a little boutique in my town as a commitment to myself to be true to my feelings and to honor the journey I'm on. And while I was paying for the ring, something amazing happened - my new person invited me on an amazing overseas vacation later this year/early next year. So... I have amazing things to look forward to as I continue to work on me this year.

That’s great to hear! See you did something for yourself and bought something you like. It gets better, trust me. I’m three years out and I’m still a bit bitter about some things, but when I really think about it, I just feel sorry for him. He was very emotionally immature. 

[kaneen]

Good for you downtoearth! This whole process will be a roller coaster but take it from someone who went through the most unexpected split last year...the good times get longer and the sad times shorter. I promise.

[cleo29]

I think talking honestly with a partner can be really scary and i think more people avoid doing so and then may search for things outside the relationship to feel better, but honestly unless he really looks at the why, things will not change with him, not really. This woman is not magic and eventually those things or other things will be an issue again. I mean, what was the affection he needed? You thought the things you were doing were conveying that, but they were not to him. The fact he would not even try to give you more information says a lot about him, not you.

I like that you bought yourself a ring and it sounds like you have a lot of great things on the horizon. I don't think it is bad to have a bad day, rather than fight it, but then work on things you can do to re-center yourself and I think those days will lessen.

Big hugs, downtoearth,