How would you handle?

[divanerd]

My sister 40yo relocated about 3 months ago no kids not married ..she has a part time job while looking for full-time employment.
I feel bad because all her free time is spent at my house like everyday. She stays at my mother's house and they have always had a strained relationship.

How can I encourage her to find and meet people yet alone date.
Real talk some days I'm pooped when I get home and just want snuggle time and my bed.

[livinitup]

I would talk to her about what she needs and you need. If you are honest and tell her you need a bit of time with her and without her, then she’ll have to figure it out. Sure, it might be easy for her to avoid your mother, her roommate, by being at your house mostly full time. But if you tell her you need a few nights to just be home and crash, then she’ll have to find other places to go and other people to hang out with. As a 40 yo she can do that. It’s not yours to manage. But your home and your feelings are yours to manage and honestly express to someone you love, respect and support.

I’d also explore talking about her role in your home. Three months ago this was all new and potentially exciting. Now, three months later, it is realistic that it might be hard to have a full-time “guest”. If she has time and is looking for a place to be, maybe she can be a more active member of your household. Does she cook? Food shop? Help clean? Any of those things might make her constant presence seem less demanding and more welcomed.

Anyway, it’s time to talk about you, and ask about her.

[waverly]

I think I would have the conversation that I can’t host guests every night or during the week. We have activities 2 nights a week and the other 2-3 nights are just recuperating from life. You can mutually agree on a schedule maybe.

I get she has a part time job and has to live with your mom but that is not your problem that she doesn’t love living there.

[ECB]

To follow on what has already been said, in letting her know that you need some time to yourself, you could also set up specific nights for her to come over. Whether it's for dinner, or to perhaps watch a show together that you both like - if you set up "date nights" with her, it may lessen the blow of "you can't be here every night". I mean- I wouldn't say it like that, but you know what I mean.

[twinmomma]

Sept 19, 2019 7:24:39 GMT -5 ECB said:

To follow on what has already been said, in letting her know that you need some time to yourself, you could also set up specific nights for her to come over. Whether it's for dinner, or to perhaps watch a show together that you both like - if you set up "date nights" with her, it may lessen the blow of "you can't be here every night". I mean- I wouldn't say it like that, but you know what I mean.

This is what I was thinking. Maybe define specific night(s) that are your time to hang out instead of it being an ongoing, open invite. Then it fits into your schedule but she still feels like she has that escape time to look forward to. 

[mommyatty]

I’m in this situation with my MIL. She’s at our house every single weeknight, and I hate it. What I will say is for your H’s sake, do handle it. He can’t. She’s not his relative. And if it’s driving you slightly crazy, it’s making him want to stab out his own eyeball and spend an evening in the ER just to get out of seeing her.

[covergirl82]

My sister is 39 years old, single, no kids, so I understand having a sibling like that. If my sister were in a similar situation, I can see how she wouldn't understand a busy house with kids where both parents work. I agree with others that it's time for a conversation and to set boundaries. (And my sister and H don't get along, so it would be like mommyatty said - I'm sure MH would find lots of excuses to not be home, and it's not fair for the people whose house it is to feel that uncomfortable at their own home (or to not want to be there at all while the guest is there).)

[ECB]

I'll add - you know your sister best, but however you approach this, try to "explain" it as little as possible, give her as little room to push back as possible.

What I mean - DH and I were planning something for just us and our DS. I can't even remember what it was, but it was something that the 3 of us wanted to do as a family. FIL tried to invite himself along. DH (who is GREAT at handling his dad!!) said something along the lines of "we want to do this w/ just our family".

His dad's reply? "What? I'm not family??".

SO many eye rolls (but his dad is also the kind of guilt!!)

But... my point, just be prepared for what you think her reaction might be and try not to let yourself get sucked into any guilt trips or having to over explain yourself.

[HeartofCheese]

Send her on some errands when she shows up. Grocery store, driving kids around, picking up prescriptions, taking car for oil change. Help kids with homework or have her make dinner. And meal plan so she's bringing over the food she needs to make dinner. Need any yard work done? Ask her for a "favor," i.e., you need a black and white framed collage of family pics to hang somewhere or a photo album that "you've never gotten around to" and would love for her to take over. And if she questions you at all, just tell her you just expect her to set a good example for the kids by not sitting around.

And just to really send the message that she can't come over and lounge on your couch, I'd also suggest that any fun activities that you plan with her should take place outside of the house, e.g., going shopping or to movies.

[ECB]

I would love to know how she spends her time, divanerd,because some people are bringing up some good points. if she's actually coming over and helping out... I mean, that's nice, but still doesn't mean she can just be there all the time and I can understand your desire to not have to "entertain".

But- even more so- if she isn't doing ANYTHING.... yeah, start putting her to work. If she can't be lazy and just chill out, that might curtail her visits!

[divanerd]

Great points ladies! I thought it was going to betough to explain to her this summer about not joining us for our end of summer family vacation but she didn't come and it wasn't a big deal.

She comes over and doesn't help out she just watches TV. She was over the entire weekend last weekend so it's a bit much

I will channel all the WP vibes and speak to her thanks ladies

[waverly]

Maybe you can start booking her for date nights. Bonus: date night, extra cash for her if you are paying, and you don’t have to be there while she is there.

[ECB]

Can you try and start letting her know early in the day that “tonight isn’t a good night to stop by”, and start doing that more and more??