Advice Column - Dying Wife request no step-dad at funeral

[downtoearth]

Dear Therapist: My Dying Wife Has a Challenging Request for Her Funeral
She doesn’t want her estranged family to attend. I want to respect her wishes, but am not sure the excluded family members will.

Dear Therapist,

My wife and I have been together for 30 years. Five years ago, she started dialysis, and that same year her mother’s divorce from my wife’s stepfather was finalized. Like many divorces, it pretty much split up the family. My wife’s health is declining rapidly now, and she was also denied placement on the transplant list due to other health issues. We have been discussing her death, and my wife has expressed that she does not want her ex-stepfather or two of her siblings to attend her funeral.

When my wife made her wishes known to her mother, her mother said that my wife’s ex-stepfather has every right to attend the funeral because he raised her since she was about 8 years old, and that the two siblings also have every right to be at her funeral because they’re her brother and sister.

My wife explained that she did not want them at her funeral, because of how her ex-stepfather treated her when she was growing up and because the two siblings sided with him during the divorce. But her mother reiterated that she wouldn’t do anything to stop these people from attending the funeral.

I told my wife that the only way to make sure her wishes are met is to not tell her family about her passing until after she has been laid to rest. My wife agreed that this may be the only solution. Is this the right course to take?

What would you suggest?

Answer from Ask Therapist at the Atlantic in spoiler

SPOILER: Click to show

Dear Louis,

I’m so sorry that your wife is ill, and I can only imagine that the prospect of her wishes not being met adds substantially to the stress you’re experiencing. But what seems to be getting lost in the understandable turmoil is that your wife is still here, which means she has agency over how she interacts with these people before the funeral happens.

Let’s back up for a minute. What’s complicated about funerals is that not everyone agrees on whom they’re for. Are funerals for the dying, comforted by the knowledge that they’ll be surrounded by friends and family when laid to rest? Or are funerals for the living, a chance to grieve in the company of others and get one final goodbye? Whose comfort and peace of mind are funerals for?

It sounds like you and your wife believe that funerals are for the person who died, and therefore this person should determine before her death who will be there. And it sounds like your mother-in-law believes that funerals are for the living, and therefore that your wife’s ex-stepfather and siblings will want to be there. You probably won’t resolve this philosophical difference—though understanding it may help you to be more compassionate toward your mother-in-law’s view—but you do agree on one thing: These family members mean to attend the funeral.

The question is, why? You don’t say what these relationships are like now—whether your wife is on speaking terms with these relatives; whether they know about her prognosis; whether they’ve shown any concern for her; whether, perhaps, you’ve kept your wife’s condition from them so they haven’t had an opportunity to share their concern. Nor do you say how your wife was mistreated growing up, or whether her mom has acknowledged the extent of the mistreatment. Maybe your wife spoke with her mom about her wishes because she’s no longer in contact with these relatives, but by not communicating with them directly, she puts herself in a position of powerlessness, which may be how she felt growing up and again during the divorce.

Banning people from a funeral is both a personal request and a strong public statement. At least in part, it’s a declaration to all who attend that these people hurt your wife deeply, and in this way, her pain would finally be acknowledged. This is what her wish is fundamentally about: a way for her to deal with the pain of the past.

Quite clearly, though, there’s a catch. If banning them from the funeral represents a final, public acknowledgment of her pain, the one person who needs that acknowledgment most won’t be alive to see it. So maybe it’s worth considering what might bring your wife even more peace than their absence at her funeral: the opportunity to be heard by them now. In my therapy practice, I’ve seen people with terminal illnesses spend the time they have left in different ways. Some people don’t change much—they hold on to their anger and resentments and die with them firmly in place. Others step far outside their comfort zone and grow tremendously in ways that feel immensely gratifying.

I don’t know which route your wife will choose, but here’s an option for her to consider. Instead of saying to her family members, essentially, “I’m angry with you and I get the last word!” (because by the time they learn about the funeral they missed, she’ll already be gone), she might say, “I’m angry with you, and I’d like to understand more about what happened between us before I die.”

She may learn that these relatives don’t realize how much they hurt her; or that they feel bad for having hurt her; or that they feel hurt by her, and there’s another side of the story she hadn’t been willing to consider before—her own role in the family drama. If that’s the case, there might be room for compassion on all sides, and while compassion won’t erase what happened in the past, it might pave the way for a greater understanding that allows a connection to find its way into their lives. And that small change can be potentially transformative, especially at this time in her life.

Of course, just because your wife does something differently doesn’t mean other people will. If they’re not willing to consider your wife’s point of view (remember, they don’t have to agree with it), if they place all the blame on her or are rude or insulting in these conversations, your wife can take a different tack. She can say she believes that the time to show respect is while a person is still alive, and if they can’t show her respect in life, it would be disingenuous of them to pretend to “pay respects” when she’s dead. For this reason, it would upset her to have them at her funeral, and if they genuinely want to pay respects, they can do so by respecting her preference for that day to go as she wishes.

They may say fine. Or they may still insist on coming, in which case she can ask them point-blank, “Why are you insisting on coming to a funeral for someone whose feelings you don’t care about and who doesn’t want you there?” Just hearing the stark truth in this way may encourage them to reconsider.

But here’s the thing: No matter what happens, your wife will have gotten to say her piece while she still can. Whether you have a private service or they attend her funeral, it won’t matter as much as the fact that she was proactive and forthright, spoke her truth directly to the people involved, and took control of what she had control over—how she wanted to live in a way that expressed her self-worth. Some people go their entire lives and never give themselves this opportunity. She doesn’t have to be one of them.

www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/my-dying-wife-doesnt-want-her-stepfather-at-the-funeral/599515/

[Patsy Baloney]

This is why I plan on outliving everyone I hate.

[underwaterrhymes]

I think that’s an outstanding response to a very tough and emotional situation.

[PinkSquirrel]

I hate the response. If I'm about to die, the literal last thing I'm spending time on is trying to fix things with people I'm fine hating.

[UMaineTeach]

Oct 9, 2019 15:56:05 GMT -5 PinkSquirrel said:

I hate the response. If I'm about to die, the literal last thing I'm spending time on is trying to fix things with people I'm fine hating.

Not a big fan of this

I don’t know which route your wife will choose, but here’s an option for her to consider. Instead of saying to her family members, essentially, “I’m angry with you and I get the last word!” (because by the time they learn about the funeral they missed, she’ll already be gone), she might say, “I’m angry with you, and I’d like to understand more about what happened between us before I die.”

and this is totally judging those who don’t choose enlightenment.

Some people don’t change much—they hold on to their anger and resentments and die with them firmly in place. Others step far outside their comfort zone and grow tremendously in ways that feel immensely gratifying.

There is nothing wrong with dying with angry feelings for people and not wanting to worry about their bull and making them feel better with the last days of your life. Hang with people who make you happy.

[waverly]

I respect people's wishes and planning when it comes to their own funeral. But ultimately my philosophy is that is more for the living. However, I am not sure why we need to consider the feelings of the people who spent their life (the stepfather) seemingly not caring about the feelings of others.

As far as the divorce goes probably everyone would have been better off not totally choosing sides and drawing battle lines. Of course that is always better said than done, and we don't know the situation.

This could be really powerful for some people, but I am inclined to think that if I am dying I am working on the relationships of the people who have been good to me and supported me rather than the ones who treated me like crap. If there is something I need to say, then I will say it, but I'm not going to have the energy to do this whole drawn out group therapy type thing especially since the stepfather at least doesn't seem to be trusted.

I would probably not invite them, but if they show up, then who tells them to leave? Perhaps a funeral home has experience with this and someone from there can police entrance. They will do whatever the person paying asks (likely), so they probably don't care about random (to them) people who are not footing the bill. I bet they actually run into this a lot and can provide guidance.

[pixy0stix]

It's her funeral, she gets to do what she wants. The literal last thing I would want to do before dying is untangling what is obviously a complicated family problem. Everyone else should be looking at how to ease her transition, and yet their (well her mom's) selfishness is clear. So yeah, that is a very therapist/therapy approved statement they gave her, but also some people just suck and there's no use working with them.

[jenny1223]

Oct 9, 2019 15:56:05 GMT -5 PinkSquirrel said:

I hate the response. If I'm about to die, the literal last thing I'm spending time on is trying to fix things with people I'm fine hating.

I agree with this personally for me. (I'm not wasting my final days worrying about people I hate.) But in this scenario it sounded like it may be more meaningful for the wife to hash this out now than ban them from her funeral from beyond the grave. And if that can give her some peace or closure now, I think that's worthwhile.

[Dumbledork]

For me, I would want the last big day to celebrate my memory to be a day of peace and comfort for those that were closest to me, without drama from family members or others that made my life difficult.

There’s a damn good chance that if you pissed me off to the degree that I don’t want you at my funeral, I’ve vented to my spouse about it and you and we have spent emotional bank on overcoming the pain you caused. That means my spouse knows the pain you caused me and, could to some extent, feel some of that pain themselves.

I don’t want dh or anyone super close to me forced to be civil and hold it together for people they know were asshats to me. I want my funeral, of all places, to be a safe space to grieve with people who had similar impact in my life.

[livinitup]

I can’t believe that the therapist let the mom off the hook for her demands to her dying daughter about who goes to daughter’s funeral. I can only imagine an entire lifetime of this mother telling this daughter that her wishes and feelings don’t matter while she imposed her own opinion on what is right and proper. It just screams of “It doesn’t matter what you want and feel, everyone else’s feelings are more important.” For fucks sake, this woman has lived her life, managed these relationships, at least LISTEN to her while she plans her death.
Even if it’s hard to hear.

[basilosaurus]

Oct 9, 2019 16:44:41 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I can’t believe that the therapist let the mom off the hook for her demands to her dying daughter about who goes to daughter’s funeral. I can only imagine an entire lifetime of this mother telling this daughter that her wishes and feelings don’t matter while she imposed her own opinion on what is right and proper. It just screams of “It doesn’t matter what you want and feel, everyone else’s feelings are more important.” For fucks sake, this woman has lived her life, managed these relationships, at least LISTEN to her while she plans her death.
Even if it’s hard to hear.

This is where I sit. The arguments of whether it's for the living or the dead, or whether the dying woman should make the effort to find peace with people who've wronged here (big fat no!), it's her request. Honor it. Don't invalidate her. It makes me think she's been invalidated for a long time. And if there's a recently contentious divorce, what's to keep it from rearing an ugly scene at the funeral?

[pixy0stix]

Oct 9, 2019 16:50:08 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Oct 9, 2019 16:44:41 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I can’t believe that the therapist let the mom off the hook for her demands to her dying daughter about who goes to daughter’s funeral. I can only imagine an entire lifetime of this mother telling this daughter that her wishes and feelings don’t matter while she imposed her own opinion on what is right and proper. It just screams of “It doesn’t matter what you want and feel, everyone else’s feelings are more important.” For fucks sake, this woman has lived her life, managed these relationships, at least LISTEN to her while she plans her death.
Even if it’s hard to hear.

This is where I sit. The arguments of whether it's for the living or the dead, or whether the dying woman should make the effort to find peace with people who've wronged here (big fat no!), it's her request. Honor it. Don't invalidate her. It makes me think she's been invalidated for a long time. And if there's a recently contentious divorce, what's to keep it from rearing an ugly scene at the funeral?

I know someone is going to come along and say, "They should keep the drama away from the funeral." Or, "They're all adults, they can be nice for an hour."

Let me tell you, some of the worst knock out, drag out fights I have witnessed were at funerals. People are downright nasty when someone dies.

[yentl]

Oct 9, 2019 16:44:41 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I can’t believe that the therapist let the mom off the hook for her demands to her dying daughter about who goes to daughter’s funeral. I can only imagine an entire lifetime of this mother telling this daughter that her wishes and feelings don’t matter while she imposed her own opinion on what is right and proper. It just screams of “It doesn’t matter what you want and feel, everyone else’s feelings are more important.” For fucks sake, this woman has lived her life, managed these relationships, at least LISTEN to her while she plans her death.
Even if it’s hard to hear.

I agree with this in general, but I'm also very curious about what the step dad/siblings did that upset daughter so much but not upset Mom to the same degree. Daughter is saying she's upset with the siblings for taking the step-dad's side.... but Mom doesn't seem upset about that. It's being framed as though the divorce split the family up but daughter seems to be holding on to the grudge more than Mom, which is interesting to me.

Either way, I think she should have a right to decide who is at her funeral and Mom should respect it, but I have a lot of questions.

[Patsy Baloney]

Oct 9, 2019 16:59:35 GMT -5 yentl said:

Oct 9, 2019 16:44:41 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I can’t believe that the therapist let the mom off the hook for her demands to her dying daughter about who goes to daughter’s funeral. I can only imagine an entire lifetime of this mother telling this daughter that her wishes and feelings don’t matter while she imposed her own opinion on what is right and proper. It just screams of “It doesn’t matter what you want and feel, everyone else’s feelings are more important.” For fucks sake, this woman has lived her life, managed these relationships, at least LISTEN to her while she plans her death.
Even if it’s hard to hear.

I agree with this in general, but I'm also very curious about what the step dad/siblings did that upset daughter so much but not upset Mom to the same degree. Daughter is saying she's upset with the siblings for taking the step-dad's side.... but Mom doesn't seem upset about that. It's being framed as though the divorce split the family up but daughter seems to be holding on to the grudge more than Mom, which is interesting to me.

Either way, I think she should have a right to decide who is at her funeral and Mom should respect it, but I have a lot of questions.

This may very well come down to a personality difference. I love my mom. Her second (now ex-) husband is the biggest piece of shit on the planet. He was horrible to me, but it was nothing compared to what he did to her. She is full of forgiveness. I daydream about punching him in the face. I think my mom's attitude is stupid and wish she'd hop on the face-punch train with me. 

I think I'm just inclined to be more hateful. 

[basilosaurus]

Bottom line, even if the daughter isn't an angel and is holding on to a grudge or may be at fault, who the fuck cares? Even wrong people get to say in life their wishes for their final goodbye in death and have them be respected and not dismissed.

If the 2 were still married, and the stepdad was a support to the mom, then I could see it. They can all go out to a bar or restaurant after together if they want to be part of it. I was in Thailand when my grandpa died last year so obviously wasn't part of the minimal service he had (he outlived most of his friends). That doesn't mean I didn't still honor him here. Nothing prevents people from doing something on their own.

[ECB]

Oct 9, 2019 16:44:25 GMT -5 Dumbledork said:

There’s a damn good chance that if you pissed me off to the degree that I don’t want you at my funeral, I’ve vented to my spouse about it and you and we have spent emotional bank on overcoming the pain you caused. That means my spouse knows the pain you caused me and, could to some extent, feel some of that pain themselves.

First, while I do feel that "funerals are for the living", I do also feel that if the dying person has strong feelings on who attends their funeral, those feelings should be respected.

Past that - to what I quoted- fully agree.  There is a guy we used to be friends with - Matt.  THe fact that we "used" to be friends with him should be telling in all this.  When we first met him in college, he didn't have a relationship with his mom.  But due to a GFs pushing/helping, he eventually reconnected with his mom and formed a new relationship.

THEN, years later, he ended up not having a relationship with his dad.  Sense a theme here?  From what we were told, the falling out with his dad was a TOTAL jackass move on the part of Matt (his dad and stepmom both work for a hospital.  One year they FINALLY managed to both get off X-mas Eve and Day and drove 3 hours to see Matt and his family.  When they showed up, Matt met them at the door and told them that since they couldn't bother to get more time off, they weren't welcome to stay).

Well, when his dad died, Matt went to the funeral with his mom (that's a whole other story and I think a total dick move- again- on his part. Relations were so poor as they were, to show up with his mom, the exwife, was probably just salt in the wound of the present wife).  The stepmother saw them, got visibly upset and told someone to tell them that they weren't welcome back to her house afterwards.  So he and his mom left.

But - the point being, their showing up REALLY  impacted at least the stepmom, and possibly others.  While I'm SURE his dad probably wouldn't have wanted him there either, it was so much about the living who were grieving his passing.  And Matt showing up was upsetting. 

[mouse]

I’m definitely in the funerals are for the living camp. So if someone shows up that you don’t think I’d want there, just don’t tell me. I wouldn’t want to add to my loved ones’ stress by having them play gatekeeper for my corpse.

However, if seeing someone rend their garments who never showed me care in life would stress my loved ones, kick them out, and tell them I passed on cursing their memory. You know, because funerals are for the living. Whatever they comforting is fine.

And fuck no to spending my last days granting other people peace. Nope, I’m not your personal growth journey, if you’re out of my life it’s for good reason.

[oliviapope]

If my mother shows up to my funeral I will rise from the fucking ashes just to tell her off one more fucking time.

FUCK THAT. I want no tears shed at my funeral if you couldn't get your shit together while I was alive.

[basilosaurus]

If I'm dying you come grovel to me for forgiveness. You're the one who will have to live with regret. I'll be busy feeding worms.

[basilosaurus]

Oct 9, 2019 17:32:52 GMT -5 ECB said:

But - the point being, their showing up REALLY  impacted at least the stepmom, and possibly others.  While I'm SURE his dad probably wouldn't have wanted him there either, it was so much about the living who were grieving his passing.  And Matt showing up was upsetting. 

This! It will likely affect her husband quite a bit. 

[flamingeaux]

I agree that there was a lot of the situation the husband didn't address.

If the relationship between the wife and her stepfather and siblings has been made clear, then it needs to be dropped and the wife's wishes should be honored.

If the wife has never made clear how she feels, and her H knows she will rest peacefully, anyway. Then it needs to be dropped and the wife's wishes honored.

But...

If he thinks that she will/might regret, not confronting them, before her health got too bad to do it. I don't think it's a terrible idea for him to suggest that she address them now.

But once the subject has been addressed, the wife's wishes need to be honored.

[sapphireblue]

I didn't like this answer at all.

Sure, if the wife WANTS to spend her limited time left dealing with someone she didn't care for to resolve something, she should go for it. But it doesn't sound like she is so inclined. Therefore, it's not a great answer.

I find lately I really don't like the advice of most columnists. Carolyn Hax I disagree with almost daily.

[lilibet]

I don't like this answer either.

We dealt with a similar situation with my fil's funeral two weeks ago. He and his brother had fallen out years ago and he continuously decided to not loop him in to what was going on with his cancer but never really said one way or the other about the funeral. Mil ended up deciding to tell the brother when we moved fil to hospice and he was no longer really alert. Brother made the funeral all about him and literally stood next to mil at the casket while she was looking at fil, telling her all about his health woes and his life and then he cornered me at the cemetery and lectured me about family communication. It was awful.

So I'm not here for accepting people at the end. Some people are just awful.

[jeaniebueller]

I don't know what to think.

On one hand, everyone should just honor her wishes.

On the other hand, I feel badly if her spouse, in the midst of his grieving and stress at the funeral, also has to be fielding this stuff if these assholes show up. Hopefully there are other friends or family members who can intervene so its not all on him on that day.

[periwinkle]

Nope, I don't want horrible people who treated me like shit at my funeral. Also, if I'm dying I want to spend my limited time with the people I love and am closest with. I don't want to waste time trying to mend fences unless that is my choice.

I love my step-dad and we're very close. His family is full of toxic, awful people who have treated him and my mom especially like shit for years. Her and step-dad have pretty much cut them off and my mom said if she dies first she doesn't want them near her services. They are the type to show up and be total assholes or act like they loved my mom so much and be loud and obnoxious for attention. If I have to hire someone to stand at the door of the funeral home and church to keep them out I will. Step dad knows this and he said I can do whatever I want.

Random story about a similar thing at my nana's funeral. In my hometown the whole car procession from the funeral home to the church and then to the cemetery is a big deal and the order of the cars is kind of sacred (small town I guess?). Usually spouse/kids behind hearse, then siblings, grandkids, cousins..etc. My nana was treated like shit by a lot of people in her family so my mom as a little "fuck you" left these people out of the formal procession order and gave the funeral director a list of people that my nana loved dearly and was actually close to (including her closest friends). It was subtle but people definitely noticed. My mom gave zero fucks and I think she got a little peace from it because my nana deserved so much more from her family.

[imojoebunny]

This is timely. I am not going to a funeral that I "should go to" tomorrow because my memories of the person are not positive, and I happen to have a plausible excuse. I don't know why anyone would go to a funeral of a person who did not want them there.

[basilosaurus]

Oct 11, 2019 16:41:15 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

This is timely. I am not going to a funeral that I "should go to" tomorrow because my memories of the person are not positive, and I happen to have a plausible excuse. I don't know why anyone would go to a funeral of a person who did not want them there.

I think it's part power play and part being there to support others. If I were to predecease my adoptive mom, even though I haven't spoken to her in years, I'd expect her to be around just as support for my dad (yes, I think about these things). But that's where the divorce makes this different. It had to have been acrimonious if there are sides. 

My mom reached out to her estranged dad when she was terminal. She wanted him in our lives. Their estrangement was a product of society. He left when she was an infant in Irish Catholic Boston 1948. There wasn't such a thing as shared custody. But it was her choice, her goal, and they shared that goal of reconciliation. I see nothing in this letter that says anything is mutual. It all comes across as dying woman needs to grant peace to assholes.