@ Stepparenting Discussion

[readyin07]

Wasn't sure about the title about this, but I'm curious about people's feelings about this...

On my local Facebook page, a woman (let's call her Emily) was talking about a horrible experience her family had with a nutso restaurant owner. Several times in her post she refers to "our children" and at one point "my daughter" (we'll call her Susie). 

Most of the comments concur that owner is, in fact, crazy. But one commenter (we'll call her Jane) says "Emily, Susie is NOT your daughter."   Turns out Jane is Susie's mom and Emily is the woman her dad has been dating for a month. So all of the Facebook moms come out in full force condemning Jane for airing her dirty laundry on the page, for not being grateful that her ex's new GF treats her daughter as her own, etc. 

I feel like Jane was a little snarky, but I ended up feeling for her. I think it would really sting to hear someone call one of my boys "my son" like that.  But I also have two friends who say there's no "step" in their relationships and always refer to their stepkids as their own. I think it's admirable and I would hope that my H would date someone who would love our boys like their own and would encourage my kids to have their own relationship with that person, but I think I would always bristle about them referring to them as "my son." 

[namasteak]

If they were engaged or married I would agree with Emily but it’s only been a month! Emily sounds kind of crazy calling the kid her daughter after such a short period of time. So team Jane.

[wanderingback]

Disclaimer: non-mom

Dating for 1 month is different than a long-term relationship in my opinion.
So yeah if I were the biological mom I'd definitely it a little bit of a sid-eye if a woman was already calling my kid theirs at 1 month. However, in the post the woman might've just used "our children" and "my daughter" to make the story easier to understand.

If it's a longer-term relationship then I don't think it's inappropriate to refer to the kids as "my kids" and I have several friends who do this with kids who aren't biologically theirs.

[tacom]

My dad remarried when I was an adult. I personally cringe when she refers to my siblings and I as her children, but we have a strained relationship and I’m not a child so it feels incredibly disingenuous.

This is one if those things that varies so much based on dynamics and the age of kids involved. But I can confidently say that one month of dating a man with children does not a mother make.

[aprilsails]

A month? That’s a little quick to be pulling out the possessive adjectives.

For simplicity I often refer to my Stepdad and Stepmom as my Dad and Mom. Always with strangers (or on this message board) where it doesn’t truly matter. I my simplifies the conversation and they’ve been in my life for 18 years, and 15 years respectively.

If I was the Mom I could see calling this out. I would definitely be a little wtf about that phrasing.

[readyin07]

Oct 14, 2019 20:26:31 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

I’m a stepmom.

I take claiming ownership of a kid seriously. It’s something we did over time, with conversations with each kid individually with where they’re at with it. Both kids are now happy to have me call them mine, but that took years.

It’s possible that she called them that for the sake of brevity, since she was telling a story about a restaurant online. Sometimes early on when I was telling stories to strangers or acquaintances or whoever doesn’t know my family situation, I’d call the kids my kids just for the sake of the ease of it. I could totally see myself calling the kids mine if the post was unrelated to who the kids’ biological parents are (complaining about a restaurant). If she’s doing this in other contexts, then yeah it’s really weird. It’s overly familiar, which turns kids off.

I was thinking that too, that she was just using "my daughter" to make it easier. The "our kids" didn't really seem to feel as weird as "my daughter." I don't think girlfriend freaked out when the mom chimed in, it was the other people on the board saying they understood why she was the ex-wife and all this other kind of awful stuff. 

I'm a stepkid, but my bio dad wasn't really in the picture so it was a lot easier for my dad to assume the role and become my dad without having to worry about feelings.

[flygirl]

One month in? Even for ease, she had to know that people on FB would read the comments and know who she was referring to and I have to say I’d probably be irked if my H had a new girlfriend and she starts referring to my kid as hers after a month, but I surely wouldn’t post about that on FB either.

[ellipses84]

She was probably just using those phrases for brevity, but I sure wouldn’t have done that on social media the bio mom could have seen. I’m a stepmom and don’t always differentiate but I’ve been in my stepsons life for 12 years and didn’t call myself a stepmom until I married his dad. I think my local mom group would have reacted the opposite way.

[AdaraMarie]

As the bio mom I would be insanely furious about this. I tried to make peace with the idea when they got married but not before. I probably wouldn't have posted because I wouldn't want them to know I was upset, but I actively avoid following my x and his wife online.

[Shreddingbetty]

I’d side eye this after a month, long term relationship/marriage is different. The brevity argument is not a bad one but I also wonder if she did it on purpose to flaunt her relationship with the dad? Especially if it is local and she knew a lot of people would see it including mom? I had step kids for 16 years before we divorced and I never referred to them as my kids, this is likely partially due to the fact that they didn’t live with us and we only saw them for 6 weeks out of the year. I think for anyone to “claim” them as their kids even for something like the FB post less than a month into a relationship is weird and I question her motives TBH. Those kids should not even be introduced to her yet as his girlfriend IMHO but that’s another story I guess
If I were mom I would be super annoyed too

[ECB]

Yeah, I agree with most here. A girlfriend of only a month? I'd be pissed too. Did she do it out of simplicity in telling the story? Maybe. But I also agree with Shreddingbetty - did she also do it on purpose knowing Jane would see it?

She could have also easily said "I was out to dinner with my BF and his kids." and then said "his kids/ his daughter". JUST as simple.

[brooke77]

There’s really no one size fits all “rule” IMO. It would hurt if DS called someone else Mom/Mama/Mommy. But I do recognize that the more people in his life that love him, the better. So I guess it’s only fair that someone else could call him “son”.

It’s hard for me to detach from my own bad situation. My Dad cheated on my Mom while she was pregnant with me and married the OW. I don’t hate her or my Dad, but they moved as far away as possible and we don’t have a warm, fuzzy relationship. My Dad’s wife was often cruel to me as a child. Our adult relationship is much better. I refer to her by her first name even though I’ve know her for 35+ years. I DIE when she introduces herself as my “mom”.

So one month or 35 years, I think it totally depends on what parent and child want.

[pooh8402]

My mom would be okay with this... now. Both parents have been remarried to their current spouses for 20+ years and my mom and stepmom are very much coparents. They have a great relationship, better than my mom and dad, actually.

But if my dad and stepmom had only been together a month? Nope. She would not be okay with some other woman claiming her children.

"My boyfriend's kids" and "my boyfriend's daughter" would suffice for storytelling.

[katiecj6]

I'm a mom and in a serious relationship and will likely "officially" be a step-mom in the next year or so.

Claiming anyone as your child after dating for a month is way too soon. But also, like others said, it could have just been for ease of telling a story on Facebook. Who knows.

When I talk about my son and my boyfriend's son to some people, I will just say my boys for the ease of story telling.

[knx9211]

Oct 15, 2019 8:28:50 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

"My boyfriend's kids" and "my boyfriend's daughter" would suffice for storytelling.

Yes, I don’t get these “for storytelling” justifications. It’s one more word. And not a confusing one.

[isabel]

Oct 14, 2019 20:26:31 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

It’s possible that she called them that for the sake of brevity, since she was telling a story about a restaurant online. Sometimes early on when I was telling stories to strangers or acquaintances or whoever doesn’t know my family situation, I’d call the kids my kids just for the sake of the ease of it.

I get why Jane is upset and called her out, but without knowing Emily and her personality, my initial assumption was this, that she just didn't want to get into the particulars of her relationship and it was easier to call Susie hers rather than getting into "my boyfriend's kid" and whatever else would need to be said as it pertains to the story.

[sunflower17]

I agree with PPs. A month into a relationship!? Not ok. If I were the mom, I’d be calling this woman out as well. Yes, we’d all want someone involved with our children to love them and treat them right, but this is not a long term partner of the dad.

[Patsy Baloney]

I bristle at the thought of my mom's husband calling me his daughter. I don't even really call him my step-dad, even though that's what he is.

But I encourage calling my kids his grandchildren. So I've just drawn a big boundary circle around myself and let everything else fall where it may, lol.

I think it's inappropriate to call step-children "our children" or "my daughter" in the situation you've described. Kind of loony, actually. I think that's something you come to with time and agreement from all parties involved.

[jackie011]

Curious- does Emily have her own children and if so, were any of them present? Was this a personal FB post or something in a larger group? I can see all of the sides of this and why mom would be very annoyed to see someone else claiming her kid. I can also see Emily being generic with the story depending on the post location.

[formerlyak]

If ex's now wife was referring to DS as "our son" one month in, I'd have an issue. Honestly, I'd have an issue with them hanging out only one month in. At that point you don't know if the relationship will stick yet, so why involve the kids.

Now, 10 years post-divorce and 9 years that they've been together (they are married now), I have no issue if she said "our kids" in this context. My DH also refers to DS as "our son", and quite honestly he is way more involved with DS than ex is, so it makes sense. DS calls both step-parents by their first names.

I don't know that I'd handle it this way on FaceBook in this situation, but I may have sent a text to my ex telling him I felt it wasn't appropriate and she isn't the mom.

[downtoearth]

I'm team Jane too - everyone knows stepkids are fine to say also and it takes mili-seconds to type out "my boyfriend's kids" and then you are fine just saying "...and then when the kid did XYZ, the restaurant..." . And does Emily even have kids - why is she on a family/parent facebook page after a month as a girlfriend of someone with kids?


If it's just a message board then I would just watch the drama and might even call out others for attacking Jane. I would probably say something like, "While it's admirable when families agree to call stepkids just kids without a label, we don't know the situation and we can respect the mom's wishes and that not all separations and divorces are easy or amicable for parents or kids to figure out labels as early as one-month into dating a new person. Please respect the mom, Jane's, wishes in your replies to the original post and just note kids without labels."

ETA: I crossed out the parent part - looks like just a neighborhood page, not parent-based FB page

[W.T.Faulkner]

Well, here I am feeling all open-minded and accepted and loving, and I come into a post like this in which I am Team Jane forever.

If H and I divorce and he is with a woman who refers to my DS as her son, I’d be quick to correct her swiftly and publicly.

And they’ve been together thirty days? The H should be running away from her. Running.

[joenali]

I’ve been a step mom for 12 year, plus three years of dating. My SS is my son. I also have no other biological children.

[cricketwife]

I agree, one month she has no claim. There is no one size fits all here. Recently, there was a parent at a school function who mentioned her son. I forget how it came up but she said she tells him, “I am not your mother, but you are my son.” I really like this woman and they seem to have a healthy relationship and I thought it was a beautiful approach. I would be ok with someone claiming my son as a son as long as they weren’t claiming to be his mother.

[thebreakfastclub]

After hearing that she had huge restaurant drama and felt compelled to post it on Facebook, I think I know all I need to know about this lady.

[joenali]

Oct 15, 2019 19:02:17 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

I agree, one month she has no claim. There is no one size fits all here. Recently, there was a parent at a school function who mentioned her son. I forget how it came up but she said she tells him, “I am not your mother, but you are my son.” I really like this woman and they seem to have a healthy relationship and I thought it was a beautiful approach. I would be ok with someone claiming my son as a son as long as they weren’t claiming to be his mother.

I agree with this. I am in no way claim to be my ss’s mom. But he’ll always be my son.

[circa1978]

A month? Emily is a weirdo.

But, anecdotes, I do call my stepfather my dad, my parents, my father. He started dating my mom when I was 12, married when I was 14 and I'm 41 now, so he's been my parent for well more than half my life. My birth father had been out of my life since I was 7 and died when I was 20.

[osulori]

I don't have an issue with Emily doing it in general, but after dating the dad for a month? Nope nope nope. I get why Jane bristled at Emily doing that but pointing it out the way she did didn't do her any favors either. My BFF does this with her family (there's no "step" just mom/dad/children) but it definitely wasn't after she'd been dating her now husband for a month.