I need to get this out and not to anyone's face, or I might breakdown. Today is my mom's death day. Yes, it's been 37 years; no, it doesn't get any easier. I'm in the middle of therapy working on all the trauma that happened with her death and the aftermath of it, DH seems to be checked out of any support (and yes, I'm being a brat, too), today is just packed with shit to do, and I just...feel completely overwhelmed with every little thing. I am grateful I'm on medication right now, because I don't know what I'd be doing without it. In the midst of all the pieces of shit who exist in this world and seem dedicated to burning it down, the unfairness of not having a mom (who, from all I know, was pretty awesome) is just hitting extra hard today.
Sorry for the downer opening the randoms, I just feel like I'm going to explode. I guess I need someone to tell me it's okay, and it's going to be okay?
taratru- I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could make it better, or at least give you hair pats and cupcakes and tell you it's going to be okay. Big hugs.
It is OK that you feel this way. YOU might not be OK right now, but I'm glad you have therapy and medication to help you face the days without your mom.
Thank you so much for asking that. I wish that I could, beyond random memories. My dad doesn't talk about her, like, ever. He did send me a letter last year with a lot of really cool stuff about her I never knew. I was only 8 when she died, and she went into the hospital full time in Maryland (we were in Florida living with friends) when I was 7, so really, things are hazy.
What I do know is that when she got pregnant with me, her dad was SO angry because she was unmarried and only 22, and basically disowned her. She kept me anyway, and raised me for almost 3 years all on her own - she basically told my dad to fuck off when he wanted to get married because pregnant. That tells me so much about the kind of heart and bravery she had. Things did work out with her family once I was born, though...apparently, I was too cute to cut out, lol.
You guys, I appreciate the love and support, truly.
Post by downtoearth on Oct 15, 2019 12:07:44 GMT -5
What a tough age to lose your mom, especially if you were states away when she was hospitalized, taratru. I don't think there is any "easy" age to lose your mom, but that seems especially tough since it's right about the time that you start noticing those adults around you as people in and of themselves and not just in service to your needs. This is a memorable anniversary date for you, and I'm sending hugs your way.
Post by 1confused1 on Oct 15, 2019 13:01:25 GMT -5
Big hugs.
Remember my post about my cubemate who is a heavy breather? He has also started randomly singing throughout the day. I wish I could work from home more often.
Post by mrsukyankee on Oct 15, 2019 13:24:01 GMT -5
I'm sending you all the hug, taratru. I hope that the therapy does help. Thanks for sharing your story (she sounds like a great role model of strength and determination).
Post by ChillyMcFreeze on Oct 15, 2019 13:30:06 GMT -5
My random is that I'm making my semi-annual pilgrimage to Trader Joe's this weekend to stock up on all the fall goodies. If there's anything you're loving from there, hit me with some recommendations. I only make it there twice a year usually, so I like to make the most of the trip. (My bank account is already crying.)
Post by picksthemusic on Oct 15, 2019 14:03:00 GMT -5
I'm back at work after 4 days off, and I'm sick. Woof, this sucks. Also, I'm at a different location than my home office, so I'm all turned around and winging it. And, I didn't have breakfast, so I'm HANGRY.
For my random, we got our new sofa and recliner (and he decided on one that looks like a chair not a recliner so WIN!) yesterday and finally got rid of the one we were going to get rid of two years ago when we got doggo. First thing he tried doing to the new sofa, of course, was go up to it and start sniffing and putting his head under the cushions and doing whatever a dog does short of peeing on it to claim it or sniff all the chemical aromas or whatever. But the living room definitely needs a good carpet cleaning. And I found a coffee and end tables that we both liked. So new furniture in the family room. And we're on the calendar for the new fence so I can let the pup outside off-leash to enjoy sunshine in a yard bigger than a back deck. Some day I'll actually have a well-dressed house.
My neighbor across the street put up her black Halloween arch that I love, for many reasons. It has skulls and black flowers on it and is much more stylish and interesting than how she decorated before she bought the arch, but even more important, it blocks the view of their television that is on Fox news all day!!!
I can open my blinds again! Normally when I go from the kitchen to the living room, (a bazillion times a day), if I glance out the window I look straight at their front door and their tv. It isn't like I purposely look at their tv, it is just the view out that window and it makes me anxious. I've been keeping my blinds closed so that I don't see it, but that means that our house is very dark, and it confuses the dogs. lol
My neighbor across the street put up her black Halloween arch that I love, for many reasons. It has skulls and black flowers on it and is much more stylish and interesting than how she decorated before she bought the arch, but even more important, it blocks the view of their television that is on Fox news all day!!!
I can open my blinds again! Normally when I go from the kitchen to the living room, (a bazillion times a day), if I glance out the window I look straight at their front door and their tv. It isn't like I purposely look at their tv, it is just the view out that window and it makes me anxious. I've been keeping my blinds closed so that I don't see it, but that means that our house is very dark, and it confuses the dogs. lol
I title your post, "Deathly arch saves neighbor from Fox news anxiety"
My random is that I'm making my semi-annual pilgrimage to Trader Joe's this weekend to stock up on all the fall goodies. If there's anything you're loving from there, hit me with some recommendations. I only make it there twice a year usually, so I like to make the most of the trip. (My bank account is already crying.)
Cinnamon Bun spread and butternut squash Mac and cheese are my new faves.
Post by miniroller on Oct 15, 2019 16:26:11 GMT -5
@taratu Joining in sending you hugs from afar. And also reassuring encouragement that I’m so glad you opened up & got things out with us. I wish I had more to offer, but just wanted to let you know I’m glad to know you stranger-random-Internet-buddy ❤️
Back on the hunt for meds again. My current supply runs out at the end of this year and the stocks currently available are over $1,000 for a 28 day supply OOP. I gave myself some time off not to worry and set the deadline that I would start searching again after my birthday. Well that was last weekend so time to figure out something now.
Post by litebright on Oct 15, 2019 16:50:50 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time today, taratru. I hope therapy gives you the help you need to process your loss.
I wanted to put up a spice rack in my pantry and had visions of doing it myself (DH is OOT for work), but I am having trouble clearly locating the studs and I'm afraid to just anchor it in the drywall, it may be too heavy when it's fully loaded. So I may wait until DH is home and can help because I'm afraid I'll screw it up (or maybe not screw it up properly? HAHA).
I took today off from work and actually DID NOT WORK for once. It was a much-needed breather. I ran a lot of errands, napped, took care of some things around the house and just unwound a bit from the stress of the last couple of weeks. I really need to do this more often, because as it stands I do it next to never.
My office hours are technically 8:30-5, but they are way flexible and recently MOST of my office has been coming in close to 9 (technically after that is late because that's our stand up meeting). I don't care, except that another coworker and I co-manage one client and said client has a call every other Wednesday at 8:30. That's today. Today we happen to be giving a big budget presentation. OF COURSE my coworker texts me, yet again, that there's "traffic" and he'll be here at 8:35-8:40 if I want to delay the start of the meeting. No, because I just emailed them yesterday to confirm ALL four of them will be on the call at 8:30, but to let me know if they needed a different time because it's important they are all there.
This coworker is BEC right now because we split a few accounts and I'm always the one who sets up and preps for the client call, while he just flies by the seat of his pants, and breezes into the conference room like 2 seconds before I actually call the client. Because obviously, he is a man.
Post by cattledogkisses on Oct 16, 2019 13:21:48 GMT -5
My doctor's office has completely ghosted me.
I was in 2 weeks ago for blood work. After a week had passed and I hadn't heard anything about the results I called the office. It's now been two weeks and I've called twice and messaged my doctor through the online patient portal, but no one will contact me back with those results.
I have a medication that I need to request a renewal of since it's out of refills, and I've been waiting to do it because depending on the results of the blood work that medication may change. I'm at the point where I can't wait anymore, but now I'm worried that my renewal request isn't going to get acknowledged or actioned either.
I'm honestly at a loss for what to do. I don't know how to get them to contact me back.
Post by StrawberryBlondie on Oct 16, 2019 13:33:30 GMT -5
I just bought $160 tennis shoes for my upcoming trip. Plus new insoles for an old pair. And a new maxi dress.
I also found an eyeshadow palette that is a really good dupe of the ABH Sultry palette that isn't available anymore. And my favorite colors in my naked 3 palette are running low.
If you need me, I'll be over here trying to figure out how to acquire more money.