@ TW PG Loss; I want kids, H doesn’t.

[aestacey]

Warning, long!

TLDR: I want kids and husband doesn’t. Don’t know what to do.

I’m struggling lately and don’t really know where else to put this, and I don’t really have anyone IRL except my therapist who I don’t see until next week.

Long story short, I was pregnant about a month ago. It ended up being an extremely early chemical pregnancy. There were 2 days where I thought I was pregnant and got excited. When it ended I felt... disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t really expect to feel that way.

DH and I have always been on the fence with kids, but he definitely leans more towards no and I’m feeling like a confident yes for the first time in my life. I brought it up to him and shared my feelings after the tests came out negative. We talked about it at length and at first it seemed like he was okay with going for it, and the further we talked he’s not. We didn’t really resolve anything with the conversation. We said we’d talk about it again but haven’t. Mainly due to other things going on but probably some avoidance from both of us.

His reasons are valid - we have a good life now, we have money and freedom. Kids would make it tight. He doesn’t want to hurt our relationship. He’s worried about my age (I’m newly 40) and complications.

I think I’ve probably always wanted kids but severe anxiety and depression kept me from making a decision and leaning toward no. I’ve taken huge steps with addressing my depression and anxiety and that, along with the positive pregnancy test, have made me think differently..

I am not willing to break up our marriage over this, but I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with it. I think if I really wanted him to he would, but I don’t want to feel like he was pressured.

Not sure what I’m looking for - I know the answer is to talk more with him which we will. I’m also going to talk about it in therapy next week. I guess I’m looking for anyone who’s been in a similar situation (either opinion) and if anyone has any advice.

I *think* I could be happy without having kids, but the feelings are new and pretty strong.

If you got this far, thanks for reading!

[dollhouse]

Oct 16, 2019 19:04:00 GMT -5 aestacey said:

Warning, long!

TLDR: I want kids and husband doesn’t. Don’t know what to do.

I’m struggling lately and don’t really know where else to put this, and I don’t really have anyone IRL except my therapist who I don’t see until next week.

Long story short, I was pregnant about a month ago. It ended up being an extremely early chemical pregnancy. There were 2 days where I thought I was pregnant and got excited. When it ended I felt... disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t really expect to feel that way.

DH and I have always been on the fence with kids, but he definitely leans more towards no and I’m feeling like a confident yes for the first time in my life. I brought it up to him and shared my feelings after the tests came out negative. We talked about it at length and at first it seemed like he was okay with going for it, and the further we talked he’s not. We didn’t really resolve anything with the conversation. We said we’d talk about it again but haven’t. Mainly due to other things going on but probably some avoidance from both of us.

His reasons are valid - we have a good life now, we have money and freedom. Kids would make it tight. He doesn’t want to hurt our relationship. He’s worried about my age (I’m newly 40) and complications.

I think I’ve probably always wanted kids but severe anxiety and depression kept me from making a decision and leaning toward no. I’ve taken huge steps with addressing my depression and anxiety and that, along with the positive pregnancy test, have made me think differently..

I am not willing to break up our marriage over this, but I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with it. I think if I really wanted him to he would, but I don’t want to feel like he was pressured.

Not sure what I’m looking for - I know the answer is to talk more with him which we will. I’m also going to talk about it in therapy next week. I guess I’m looking for anyone who’s been in a similar situation (either opinion) and if anyone has any advice.

I *think* I could be happy without having kids, but the feelings are new and pretty strong.

If you got this far, thanks for reading!

I’m sorry for what you are going thru and don’t have much to add. I was curious if you can share how you overcame your anxiety and depression? I’m in the state of being indecisive about kids due to anxiety and depression and would love to hear how you worked thru them. I’m in therapy but it’s not helping.

Thanks!

[wanderingback]

I'm sorry you're going through this.
I agree with mofongo.
To give practical advice, I would table the conversation for 3 months and then re-address it with him. Because lets be honest, at age 40, it's not impossible to have kids, but waiting around for 10 years isn't a good idea if you all ultimately do decide to have kids. So yeah in my head I would work through it with my therapist in the meantime, but certainly reopen the conversation with your H again in a few months once things aren't so fresh and go from there. If he ultimately doesn't want kids, then I wouldn't "force" him and you can decide how you'd like to proceed from there.

[audry80]

I wanted kids, my H didn’t but came around and we tried for a couple years. Then I got an illness that made adoption the only possibility. My H was against adopting so we are child free. I grieved and had a hard time for about 5 years. I still occasionally feel sad but all my friends have a ton of kids so I get my kid fix.

It wasn’t my chosen path but I am happy. We have a great life and I can truthfully say I am happy not having children.

[aestacey]

Oct 16, 2019 19:38:09 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Oct 16, 2019 19:04:00 GMT -5 aestacey said:

Warning, long!

TLDR: I want kids and husband doesn’t. Don’t know what to do.

I’m struggling lately and don’t really know where else to put this, and I don’t really have anyone IRL except my therapist who I don’t see until next week.

Long story short, I was pregnant about a month ago. It ended up being an extremely early chemical pregnancy. There were 2 days where I thought I was pregnant and got excited. When it ended I felt... disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t really expect to feel that way.

DH and I have always been on the fence with kids, but he definitely leans more towards no and I’m feeling like a confident yes for the first time in my life. I brought it up to him and shared my feelings after the tests came out negative. We talked about it at length and at first it seemed like he was okay with going for it, and the further we talked he’s not. We didn’t really resolve anything with the conversation. We said we’d talk about it again but haven’t. Mainly due to other things going on but probably some avoidance from both of us.

His reasons are valid - we have a good life now, we have money and freedom. Kids would make it tight. He doesn’t want to hurt our relationship. He’s worried about my age (I’m newly 40) and complications.

I think I’ve probably always wanted kids but severe anxiety and depression kept me from making a decision and leaning toward no. I’ve taken huge steps with addressing my depression and anxiety and that, along with the positive pregnancy test, have made me think differently..

I am not willing to break up our marriage over this, but I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with it. I think if I really wanted him to he would, but I don’t want to feel like he was pressured.

Not sure what I’m looking for - I know the answer is to talk more with him which we will. I’m also going to talk about it in therapy next week. I guess I’m looking for anyone who’s been in a similar situation (either opinion) and if anyone has any advice.

I *think* I could be happy without having kids, but the feelings are new and pretty strong.

If you got this far, thanks for reading!

I’m sorry for what you are going thru and don’t have much to add. I was curious if you can share how you overcame your anxiety and depression? I’m in the state of being indecisive about kids due to anxiety and depression and would love to hear how you worked thru them. I’m in therapy but it’s not helping.

Thanks!

Sure - the main thing that has helped is medication, honestly. That made a huge difference and made me much more open to applying things I’m learning in therapy through CBT, stopping “what if” thinking, etc. I am so glad I finally decided to go on meds, it’s been life changing.

[calimae]

I wanted to lend support as I am in a very similar situation and am going through similar feelings. Unfortunately I don’t have a clear answer. I do think my anxiety of the unknown, and inability to figure out what I want, has brought me to this point. And I do fully support if he doesn’t want to have children. Our current plan is to start couples therapy to discuss this.

My recommendation is similar to what others have said. Plan to revisit this discussion in a couple of months. We would discuss a bit and then avoid constantly for the past couple of years and I have recently realized that really bothered me. I didn’t feel heard or my feelings fully considered. I think I want to have some closure and to move forward, and will be seeking professional help as we haven’t been successful on our own.

[W.T.Faulkner]

My SIL and BIL, who ultimately decided to remain childfree, found marriage therapy to be really helpful in addressing this issue. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[mrsukyankee]

Counselling. Either marriage or for you. You can't force a decision on someone. I have spoken to a few kids who know that their parents or a parent didn't really want a child (through their actions/words) and it has impacted them.

[jennybee1018]

I am sorry for your loss - I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. I am sure emotions are strong right now.

I am in this situation but it's reversed - my DH wanted kids and I did not. When we got married, I was indecisive, but I realized after a few years that I preferred to be child free.

It hasn't been the easiest - any time we spend time with friend's kids or he sees them on tv, he is like, don't you want to have one? And I do feel terrible for denying him the possibility of having kids, but we discussed it a lot and both decided that, in the end, it was not a deal breaker for us. We've been very fortunate to live overseas, travel, pay off our student loans and save money, and I think that might have been different if we had chosen to have kids.

I'm turning 40 in a few weeks, so pretty soon, the discussion will be moot. We both have siblings that have kids, so both of our parents have grandkids, thank goodness for that :-P 

For me, I'll be honest, it's mostly about my independence. I'm happy with my choice, and DH is happy too, in the long run. I try to remind him how different our lifestyle would be if we did have kids. We spend time with our nieces and nephews and friend's kids when we can, but are happy to be able to go home to our cats :-P

Good luck to you as you navigate the path. I agree with others that it may be best to give it some time, and then discuss it again in the near future. I hope you can come to the decision that is best for you as a couple.

[lovelyshoes]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly difficult.
I think you’ve gotten great advice about seeking counseling for yourself and as a couple. You need to figure out for yourself what you ultimately want. Will you be resentful if you don’t try? Will you be able to move on and not wonder what if? It’s your life and you need to be happy, so I think working that out is very important. I’m a strong believer in that we need to do what makes us happy as ultimately it is your life. I wouldn’t force a partner into being a parent, but I would also not forgo having kids or at least trying if it was my dream.
Best of luck to you in this. I hope you get what you truly want.

[shauni27]

Oct 16, 2019 22:06:40 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

My SIL and BIL, who ultimately decided to remain childfree, found marriage therapy to be really helpful in addressing this issue. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

This is what I was going to suggest. My sister, who has always wanted children, found a partner that never did. They got married last year and decided that when the time comes, they would go to therapy to process it. That time is now.

I have spoken to both of them privately about it and it breaks my heart; my sister longs to parent, her partner knows they will bare the brunt of the parenting work and knows that it would ruin their relationship. It is one of the best relationships I have ever witnessed. 

After struggling with our marriage for 2 years now since S has been born, and we both actively wanted a child, I can honestly say I side with my sister's partner on this--it would ruin their relationship for the sake of a child, which neither of them want. But it breaks my heart to know that my sister will never get to be a mama. I cry about it often; she is so wonderful with my son but she lives multiple hours away and I know that is hard for her too.

Anyway, all of that is to say, aestacey, that I am so sorry you are in this situation. I cannot imagine how tough it is and what you are feeling right now. I strongly suggest marriage counseling so you can both process your feelings on this. I also wonder if you both would be interested in doing some sort of "parenting" in another way--my sister's partner is open to fostering slightly older children, and eventually, if the right fit comes along, adopting. My sister would prefer younger children/babies, but their plan is to start with an older kid and go from there, doing respite care as needed. kind of dip their toes in. 

[wambam]

I’m incredibly sorry you’re in this situation. Unfortunately, I believe this is the one thing that cannot be compromised without detrimental effects to the relationship. With other disagreements, compromise is possible, but you can’t compromise on this issue. Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

However.

My H was a fence sitter. He believes he could’ve been happy either way. When I decided I definitely did not want to have kids, he had a choice to make. He said that he would rather be married to me without kids than split up and find someone else to have kids with. But that is a deeply personal decision and it’s going to be different for every person.

Again, I’m so sorry.

[cabbagecabbage]

I agree with everyone. I had a miscarriage and it's devastating. Please allow yourself some time to process and grieve. I didn't realize how hard my H took our loss until many months later. He was trying to be strong for me but was very shaken and didn'thave the emotional language or any experience with pregnancy to process it. It may take time for you to speak openly and easily about these topics together.
That's okay.

Just like it's okay to desire to be child free, it's okay to decide that a child is truly what you want. For some people, it's worth shaking up their entire life. For others it isn't. I'm not trying to suggest what you should do, only that it's okay to decide parenthood is a top priority for you just as much as choosing to be child free is valid. Maybe it's in my circles only or maybe it's an attempt to normalize non parents who have been looked down on for generations but I feel these conversations often center around accepting child free life and reminding women of other ways to be satisfied. Thst can be great advice or feel isolating. I'm older, I have a couple friends who resent spouses or feel they compromised their life by agreeing not to have kids.

I just want to say It's valid no matter where your line is. It's valid to say I want to parent at any cost. It's valid to decide one way and change your mind. It's valid to decide an otherwise happy marriage isn't the right life path for you. It's valid to always miss not having kids but deciding to stay with someone you love.

[sapphireblue]

This is so personal and specific to each couple's life, personalities, etc. that it's hard to know what would be helpful to you and what wouldn't.

I know three couples where one person decided they wanted kids, and the other person was happy the way things were, but they went along with it and they had a child, and it has been great for them. I also know several couples that had kids after 40, even after 45, and all was well.

I also know two different couples (I am sure I know more than just two, but these are the people that have shared their stories with me) that tried fertility treatments and when they didn't work they decided to become a child-free couple, and they are very happy with that decision. They travel, have pets they adore, and love the freedom they have as a couple.

So basically I think it varies so much for each person. For me, I would not have been able to be happy adjusting to being child-free and I needed to keep seeking out a way to become a mom. For my friend, she tried fertility treatments, but then made the choice to embrace being child-free and she is very happy with her decision.

[calmcosmo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to how miscarriage can truly ramp up feelings that were lying beneath the surface.

I agree with the others that this situation can be extra complicated because of the visceral feelings involved. At the end of the day I believe that it takes two "yesses" to bring a child into a family and one "no" to decide not to. It is just too much of a life altering decision. However, I also understand why this is a deal breaker for some marriages.

At the end of the day if you want to stay married to your husband and your husband is a firm "no" on children then I think you have your answer. Emotionally coming to terms with that will require time and therapy and communication.

[sapphireblue]

And I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

I was devastated when I had one and was surprised at how long it was very hard for me. Looking back, I think it was almost a year of really hurting about it, but hiding it because I thought I was supposed to be over it by a month or two after. So please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this.

Counseling should be very helpful with this, I think. Good luck to you.

[jamaicam]

I'm sorry for your miscarriage and that you are having to deal with this situation.

In my case, I am a widow with 2 boys. My BF, who I've been with for 2 years, has no children and would like his own biological child. However, I am 40, he is a bit older, and I have MS. I am not willing to have another child. He is now having to deal with those feelings and ultimately will need to decide if he wants to be with my boys and be a dad to them more than he wants the chance at his own biological child.

These conversations and decisions are not easy. I wish you peace with whatever decisions you make.

[somersault72]

I'm very sorry for your loss. You've gotten great advice here. Therapy and time to heal from your miscarriage. I wish you all the best.

[aestacey]

Oct 17, 2019 8:38:45 GMT -5 sapphireblue said:

And I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

I was devastated when I had one and was surprised at how long it was very hard for me. Looking back, I think it was almost a year of really hurting about it, but hiding it because I thought I was supposed to be over it by a month or two after. So please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this.

Counseling should be very helpful with this, I think. Good luck to you.

I am feeling this way. Especially because it was so early and we weren’t trying. I feel like I shouldn’t be upset but I am. Thank you.

[wildrice]

I'll be frank - at 40, your chances of having a child naturally with someone other than your husband are low. If you decided this was a dealbreaker, you'd have to move quickly to get pregnant by some other means within the next couple/few years. While it is theoretically possible, it's not a sure thing and would likely require great sacrifice beyond just your current marriage (financial if you go it alone, emotional if you were to jump into another relationship and get pregnant quickly). Logistically speaking, your options are probably to somehow convince your H to try for another pregnancy, or to accept that your H doesn't want kids and therefore you aren't going to have any.

I am child free by choice, but I'd say I was a fence sitter for many years. I got accidentally pregnant at 31 right when I was divorcing my XH, and that really solidified for me that I didn't want to have kids. Digging into that a bit more, I wonder if I would have come to a different decision had I worked with a therapist to process my feelings around that (being pregnant then was a very negative experience and all I felt was relief when I wasn't pregnant anymore). And I also met my current H within a year after that, and he's pretty solidly in the "no kids" camp, so I never really had a lot of motivation to dig deep on that. But I do, as I approach 40, wonder sometimes if I've made the right choice or if I'll someday regret it. I don't have much of any desire right now to be raising a small child, but there are elements of being a parent that I probably will miss in the long term (especially as I grow old and don't have close family to spend my golden years with).

However, I believe that I have made my choice and that I have to be ok with it. I've made a lot of choices over my life that I can't undo without major financial impact or life upheaval- where I went to college, where I lived as an adult, deciding not to live near my family, choosing a career, etc - and I can't say that all of them have been THE BEST choices or that I wouldn't have been happy if I had made other ones. But they are the choices that have created my life and in order for me to be happy, I have to own and accept them. Each time you choose one thing, you aren't choosing many others. That has to be ok.

Anyway all that to say, you've caught a glimpse of an alternate life and now you're questioning if you've made the right choice. I think that's normal. But just because you are feeling like this right now, doesn't mean you've made the wrong choice by remaining child free. I think it's likely you could be happy either way, especially if you haven't spent most of the last 40 years pining to be a mother. If your H doesn't come around, I think that with some time (and therapy is a great suggestion too!) you will feel more ok with this again.

[msmerymac]

I am so sorry.

My husband and I both very much want kids, but we've been trying for 5 years, which has included 5 rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages. So it's looking like we might need to look at alternatives (I'm 37). It's a rollercoaster (and I've sometimes been surprised by my own emotions and reactions) and it sucks and there are plenty, and I mean plenty, of days I feel like I'm doing it to myself because I don't NEED kids to be a happy, fully functioning human being. My brother and his wife are childfree by choice, as are several of my friends. So why am I putting myself through this emotional gamut? But sometimes you just need to let yourself experience your emotions, not try to control or eliminate them. I will echo that therapy, alone and together, can be very helpful in just allowing you to sound off on someone else and to sort through your own emotions. Therapy helped me decide I did NOT want to accept a childfree life, and that I would be open to egg donation or adoption. So at least those are choices and my husband and I can move forward based on having clarified some of our wants. From your brief description, it sounds like that clarification on both sides is really what you need.

[waverly]

Miscarriages can cause extreme grief that a person is not prepared for. In addition there are likely some major hormone crashes from all the changes to your body. Those feelings can be very primal. I would wait it out a few months until the emotions level off a bit. Then seek individual or couples counseling to tackle the issue.

[litskispeciality]

Oct 17, 2019 8:24:08 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

I agree with everyone. I had a miscarriage and it's devastating. Please allow yourself some time to process and grieve. I didn't realize how hard my H took our loss until many months later. He was trying to be strong for me but was very shaken and didn'thave the emotional language or any experience with pregnancy to process it. It may take time for you to speak openly and easily about these topics together.
That's okay.

Just like it's okay to desire to be child free, it's okay to decide that a child is truly what you want. For some people, it's worth shaking up their entire life. For others it isn't. I'm not trying to suggest what you should do, only that it's okay to decide parenthood is a top priority for you just as much as choosing to be child free is valid. Maybe it's in my circles only or maybe it's an attempt to normalize non parents who have been looked down on for generations but I feel these conversations often center around accepting child free life and reminding women of other ways to be satisfied. Thst can be great advice or feel isolating. I'm older, I have a couple friends who resent spouses or feel they compromised their life by agreeing not to have kids.

I just want to say It's valid no matter where your line is. It's valid to say I want to parent at any cost. It's valid to decide one way and change your mind. It's valid to decide an otherwise happy marriage isn't the right life path for you. It's valid to always miss not having kids but deciding to stay with someone you love.

So this, 3000%. I'm so sick of people saying "this is what you agreed to when you got married" as if circumstances can't/don't change, esp. when you marry younger and don't know how hard parenting really is in a world of 2 incomes etc. Yes you absolutely should discuss children, and how many etc. before getting married, but things may happen where you change your mind and you need to have that freedom if your life circumstances dictate a change. This is something that varies for each couple and won't fit one mold. Unfortunately some couples have ended marriages because of the child thing, but I see why if having, or not having children will effect their marriage to the point of resenting your spouse.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I've never been through it, but my mom did. I know there are grief support groups specifically for the loss of a child, you may want to look into that for another safe space to navigate your grief. (((HUGS)))

[aestacey]

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to respond sooner, but I am really thankful for all of your replies and for sharing your stories.

I do feel like my feelings about the pregnancy aren’t valid because it was early, I wasn’t trying, etc. I’m working through that in therapy.

Divorce is not an option. If we don’t end up having kids then I think over time I can learn to be okay with it through talking with my H and therapy. This tells me maybe I don’t want kids so strongly and shouldn’t have them? I don’t know.

I agree waiting to see how I feel over the next few months is a good idea. I am 40, though, so I don't want to wait too long. I’ve already read too much online about advanced maternal age.

I do feel “bad” for “changing my mind” (even though it was never a hard no, I was always on the fence) on my husband. He’s always been on the fence toward no, and I think getting older has solidified his no. I keep telling myself it’s okay to change my mind from 15 years ago. He has done nothing to make me feel that way, it’s me being insecure.

Again, thanks for all of your replies and support. It means a lot.

[aestacey]

Oct 17, 2019 12:58:51 GMT -5 wildrice said:

I'll be frank - at 40, your chances of having a child naturally with someone other than your husband are low. If you decided this was a dealbreaker, you'd have to move quickly to get pregnant by some other means within the next couple/few years. While it is theoretically possible, it's not a sure thing and would likely require great sacrifice beyond just your current marriage (financial if you go it alone, emotional if you were to jump into another relationship and get pregnant quickly). Logistically speaking, your options are probably to somehow convince your H to try for another pregnancy, or to accept that your H doesn't want kids and therefore you aren't going to have any.

I am child free by choice, but I'd say I was a fence sitter for many years. I got accidentally pregnant at 31 right when I was divorcing my XH, and that really solidified for me that I didn't want to have kids. Digging into that a bit more, I wonder if I would have come to a different decision had I worked with a therapist to process my feelings around that (being pregnant then was a very negative experience and all I felt was relief when I wasn't pregnant anymore). And I also met my current H within a year after that, and he's pretty solidly in the "no kids" camp, so I never really had a lot of motivation to dig deep on that. But I do, as I approach 40, wonder sometimes if I've made the right choice or if I'll someday regret it. I don't have much of any desire right now to be raising a small child, but there are elements of being a parent that I probably will miss in the long term (especially as I grow old and don't have close family to spend my golden years with).

However, I believe that I have made my choice and that I have to be ok with it. I've made a lot of choices over my life that I can't undo without major financial impact or life upheaval- where I went to college, where I lived as an adult, deciding not to live near my family, choosing a career, etc - and I can't say that all of them have been THE BEST choices or that I wouldn't have been happy if I had made other ones. But they are the choices that have created my life and in order for me to be happy, I have to own and accept them. Each time you choose one thing, you aren't choosing many others. That has to be ok.

Anyway all that to say, you've caught a glimpse of an alternate life and now you're questioning if you've made the right choice. I think that's normal. But just because you are feeling like this right now, doesn't mean you've made the wrong choice by remaining child free. I think it's likely you could be happy either way, especially if you haven't spent most of the last 40 years pining to be a mother. If your H doesn't come around, I think that with some time (and therapy is a great suggestion too!) you will feel more ok with this again.

Thank you. A lot of this resonates with me.