SOS!!

[vasc]

I need to type this here because otherwise I am going to rage text my husband and it won’t be pretty.

Dear DH,

I’m sorry the daycare called me at 8:00 to say the toddler’s nose had been bleeding for thirty minutes, hadn’t stopped, and had soiled all manner of clothing, blankets, and shoes. They explicitly said “We need someone to come get him.” I work forty minutes away and today was day 3 of 5 for a VERY IMPORTANT THING that I alone am in charge of. I work in a school, there are substitutes galore here today for a variety of reasons, and at that moment if I’d told my AP I also needed to leave (requiring her to cover for my Very Important Thing, as it couldn’t be postponed), I think she would have lost her shit.

So I called you, who works merely ten minutes away from home and daycare. You had biked to work, but begrudgingly agreed to go home, get the car, and get toddler.

Of course his bloody nose had stopped by the time you arrived. But he probably needed a bath and the daycare insisted somebody come, so I’m not going to refuse (and risk getting toddler kicked out).

I’m sorry you feel highly inconvenienced at this turn of events in your day. You’re right, I don’t work at a Fortune 500 company, but neither do you. You’re a professor. You teach one class per day. Sure, you probably have planning and grading to do, but that can be done more flexibility than my Very Important Thing. You also have the privilege of working close to home/school/daycare, so yes, it is going to fall on you to pick up the kids when these events occur.

Moreover, what burns me most is that when we discuss sick kid days in the abstract, you claim to be so willing to take a half-day and share the burden. But when the rubber hits the road and you’re *actually* called upon to change plans at the last minute, you lose your shit and take it out on me. It’s not my fault kiddo’s nose was bleeding, nor that daycare required him to go home. You’re right, I don’t make more money, but I do have people here counting on me and on this day, in this particular instance, I needed to be the one to stay here a few more hours.

So effing frustrating!

[mustardseed2007]

Did he bring up the size of your company or how much you make? (that's shocked face btw).

[waverly]

vasc , Dh pulls the same type of stuff but usually he is farther away and I don't have anything super important, so I go. But yes, mustardseed2007 , he likes to bring up how he makes way more than me. The only reason he could do this job and have a family is because of me. Otherwise he would have to hire round the clock nanny's for all his traveling, so he only makes more because I watch the kids after work.

DH has been pretty good lately. My SOS, is that he is constantly talking about work, constantly moving jobs, and they are never good enough for him, constantly fighting himself, not in reality, and sabotaging himself, then gets mad at himself for making bad decisions. Honestly, after 10 years of this it all just sounds like whining. Sorry, DH if you are reading this- I think he knows my handle, but doesn't read typically. But I don't think his expectations are at all in line with reality and if he just shifted them down like 50% he would be fine. He seems to think work will be this magical unicorn that completes him. He already has it- it's me!   So he's not going to find it with work. He can find a job he likes (maybe) that's about it.

[xctsclrx]

vasc, I might rage text your H anyway. Sounds like he needs a CTJ meeting about his attitude. My H sometimes does crap like that (never ever has he brought up the money thing though) When I got my recent promotion, I starting having equal if not more responsibility than him. It took a few rage phone calls, text and complete crying breakdown for him to get it. He has been very good about pulling his fair share lately.

The one thing that bugs me about him is that everything has to be 'equal' if he drops off I have to pick up. If I need him to pick up for whatever reason he expects me to pay him back. This is a man who is about to leave for 8 months in January, consistently is gone for 3 day weekends, and was gone for month in June, 2 weeks in August, Will be gone for another 2 in November. I finally lost it on him and told him I don't owe him anything. If he wants to play that game I will keep track of all pick up and drop offs I do, sick days I cover while he is gone and then he can pay me back. He didn't like that plan.

[k3am]

Dear Mr vasc,

Mr k3am takes a bus to work. An hour away. And when he got a call that DS had a stomach bug and needed to be picked up, do you know what he did? He took an Uber, went and got DS, snuggled that kid, and worked from home for two days alternately cleaning up disgusting body fluids and getting through what work he could. All with no complaints other than minor text requests for commiseration. Because that's what he signed up for as a parent.

Signed,
Annoyed on your wife's behalf

[k3am]

Oh and vasc, I highly recommend using a q-tip to coat DS's nostrils with vasoline or aquafor and running a humidifier for a few days. It's really hard for bloody noses to heal in fall weather. Speaking from personal experience. (Me, not my kids.)

[traveltheworld]

My SOS - I make 3 times what DH makes, and yet I still carry all of the planning and mental load when it comes to both kids and the household. Because I'm higher up in my company, I have tons of flexibility, so I'm always the one that takes off for doctor's appointments, go to the kids' mid-day school activities, field trips, I'm the one checking DS's home work, school forms, back packs, etc. every night. On top of all that, I'm the one managing our nanny, who is like a giant child who can't seem to understand that DS needs to do his work/chores before he plays.

Unfortunately I don't think this will change. My DH is a great guy - whenever I express my frustration, he really does take it to heart, changes / stays on top of things for a while, but inevitably slips back to his "happy go lucky" personality after a while. He is a very involved father, he just can't plan and organize our lives.

[ECB]

Oct 17, 2019 9:23:10 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

The one thing that bugs me about him is that everything has to be 'equal' if he drops off I have to pick up. If I need him to pick up for whatever reason he expects me to pay him back. This is a man who is about to leave for 8 months in January, consistently is gone for 3 day weekends, and was gone for month in June, 2 weeks in August, Will be gone for another 2 in November. I finally lost it on him and told him I don't owe him anything. If he wants to play that game I will keep track of all pick up and drop offs I do, sick days I cover while he is gone and then he can pay me back. He didn't like that plan.

Did he at least "get" your point??  I mean, WTF to tracking pick ups and drop off to be "equal" when he travels SO MUCH.  Literal LOL on that.  Plus, what are your kids supposed to think?  "Oh the only reason dad picked me up is because he had to.  He didn't really want to, but it was his turn".  


vasc - don't entirely leave the rage here.  Good to get it out of your system to a degree, but really - your last paragraph in particular, he needs to hear that.  Talking the talk doesn't mean jack if you don't walk the walk.

And money?  REALLY?  He bases job importance and the ability to leave work during the day based purely on his paycheck?  That's some straight up bullshit right there, and I'll add in "sexist" bullshit. I STRONGLY suspect that even if you made more money, he would then find some other excuse as to why he's oh-too-important to leave work. 

[waverly]

He isn't really like this when he isn't traveling, but when he is it's like he won't commit to anything on the weeknight. So I have been mad at him in front of the kids, and yeah I worry that sends the signal that they are just one more job to do that he doesn't want to do, and while I do, the point is I need a break every once in a while.

But I am not sure the kids really understand that. They just think moms mad at dad, and they are fighting over who is picking me up. But it's not that- it's more about equality or giving someone a break who does it day in and day out without complaint. So when I do ask for something it is rare.

Luckily the new job doesn't involve a lot of travel. 

[vasc]

So he didn’t actually bring up money specifically, but he did reference “Fortune 500” in a sarcastic way (I’m an elementary school counselor).

I ended up leaving after my Very Important Thing was over. It turns out he got DS, came home and cleaned him up, started the laundry, and ended up teaching his class after all. We use location on our iPhones to track each other (for safety, not creeping), so I saw when I left work he was at his office. I was able to get DS from him and come home, leaving him all afternoon for office hours, meetings, etc.

I just wish he’d be like “Okay, I’ll just take DS to work with me” instead of getting all high and mighty about it in the moment. His job in general doesn’t demand as much flexibility as mine, so he’s just not in the habit of needing to change plans at the drop of a hat.

[supertrooper1]

One of the long list of things that led to my divorce was that STBXH didn't respect my job. He thought that his was more important because he was constantly on the go when he was at work. I was busy too, but there was some downtime, or I was multitasking by surfing the internet and doing my intel work. He's a teacher and I was doing work related to terrorism and health and safety. So in the big picture, my work actually was more important.

[twinmomma]

Oct 17, 2019 11:43:42 GMT -5 supertrooper1 said:

One of the long list of things that led to my divorce was that STBXH didn't respect my job. He thought that his was more important because he was constantly on the go when he was at work. I was busy too, but there was some downtime, or I was multitasking by surfing the internet and doing my intel work. He's a teacher and I was doing work related to terrorism and health and safety. So in the big picture, my work actually was more important.

YUP. Same here. XH could not (and still doesn't) respect my job vs his. And while I do agree that money shouldn't be everything, it bothered me immensely that my salary was more than double his and I was essentially financing his ability to have a "fun" job but somehow I was the one always having to take time off and rearrange work commitments because of his lack of flexibility.  

[mustardseed2007]

I make 3x what H makes and I do have to carry 99% of the mental load also. Which...is part of H being codependent and is part me being...also codependent I guess. I'm so used to it that I just handle stuff. I didn't even think that he needed to be in DD's ARD meeting for speech therapy yesterday because well....he wasn't going to add much to the meeting. He just rolls with whatever I think about 99.9% of the time.

Part of me having to be the emergency pick up person or person who volunteers or whatever, though, is that I have more flexibility in my job than he does. That's just how it works sometimes. If you're a teacher, you won't make as much. But you have to be with your class! If you work in a court room, like H does, you'll make less than a GC but your butt is expected to be in court when court is being held. Sometimes I can't get out of what I'm doing though, and so when that is the case i turn it over to him to handle.

[waverly]

I will say I think DH respects my job. It’s actually floated us through a few times when he was out of work. It’s not a fun job that he supports. My income can pay the mortgage for example when he is out of work.

It’s just that he knows I can leave at anytime as long as someone is covering the front desk, since I have coverage 99.99% of the time the few times I say no he is totally taken aback. For example one time he was out of work and wanted to go to the therapist I said well you have the kids today (no school or camp). You have to wait the 2 days until school starts. He was upset and taken aback but he rescheduled his appointment like I’ve done 8 million times to make the schedule work. But I’m like no unless you have an interview you are watching them when you are not working.

[vasc]

I think I need to have daycare call him first before me so that he can be the one to hear the complaint and can then choose to take issue with them directly. Since I’m the one calling him he puts his anger towards me (in the moment). He needs to be mad at daycare.

[rere]

Dh used to pull that crap about why can't I cover everything. At the time he was the breadwinner. I would always counter with great, I can just quit and handle everything at home so you won't have to worry about it . That would get a quick, um... no... we don't need to do that.

Now we make equal. His job is supper inflexible, so I still carry most of the mental load. Just today, he is working 12 hours, but that is all he is doing. I am going to volleyball, dropping off drinks for volleyball, ordering DS's medication since he is almost out, writing checks for field trips. He is going to have to make sure he can find a way pick up DS at school. I can only be in one place at a time.

[waverly]

Oct 17, 2019 12:08:54 GMT -5 vasc said:

I think I need to have daycare call him first before me so that he can be the one to hear the complaint and can then choose to take issue with them directly. Since I’m the one calling him he puts his anger towards me (in the moment). He needs to be mad at daycare.

Truly.  They could have handled a bloody nose.  I get why they called because it wasn't stopping, but they could have wiped him down and changed his clothes etc once it stopped. 

This is a somewhat reasonable request to come get him, but I've had some where they had a rash and made me take them to the doctor or a little gunk in their eye and made me take them to the doctor all for the doctor to write it's a normal none contagious rash, or it is not pink eye which I get is very contagious, and they are erroring on the side of caution but it got to be a lot not only in missed sick time, but also in trying to get into any doctor that would write a note, and all the co-pays just for the doctor to basically say I looked at it and it was nothing, which is what we told them.  

[186momx]

vasc, I would be having a chat with daycare. They could have cleaned him up and just kept you in the loop. I probably would have taken him home cleaned him up and took him back especially if it was stopped and he was his normal self by the time I got to him. Also your DH needs to be the first call because he is 10 minutes away vs your 1 hour away. Our daycare always had a you had to pick up within 30 minutes of them calling which was always a huge push for me.

My SOS: we have back to school tonight from 6:30-7:30. First 30 minutes is a slide show and teacher introduction in the gym and the last 30 minutes you get to check out your kids class, your kid shows you what is what, and if you are lucky a quick chat with teachers. DD wants me to get her early from gym not daddy because he can't tell time (DD's words). So I told DH he needed to be at school at 6:30 and we would meet him. He was giving me one excuse after another last night on why he couldn't do that. I basically told him to stuff it and be there. He gets home between 4-5 so it isn't interfering with work he just doesn't want to go.

[sdlaura]

Ugh. My husband tried to tell me he couldn’t leave early to go to the kids’ parent teacher conferences on Tuesday. I scheduled the last spot that both teachers had so that he could go, and DS has had a hard time adjusting to k, so we needed to present a united front. He gets to work at 6 am, so leaving at 1 pm still allows him to put in a 7-hour day. Also, I had just taken the day off Monday while DS2’s daycare was closed. So, no excuse DH.

[vasc]

Re: bloody nose at daycare...both of my kids get them easily and when they do, they bleed like fountains. Usually daycare calls when he is having one as a courtesy to let know. Lately, though, it seems like their courtesy calls are bordering on “come get him” because I think they get freaked out and feel ill-equipped to handle it.

[divanerd]

Hugs I am sorry! I'm over adulting today was to head to the store.
Watching I'm Sorry and having a half glass of wine is better.

# selfcare

[mae0111]

So tonight I mentioned to DH that a consultant I used to work with is in town next week for an awesome conference. I was invited to lunch at the conference by the guy running it, but I have to sprint out as soon as lunch ends to pick up the kids because DH is OOT again.

Last year I was invited to attend the conference for free. I have DH a month’s notice to see if he could pick up the kids for ONE DAY. He agreed, then the week before, scheduled a trip so I had to drop out.

So he asked me tonight why I didn’t attend last year. 😳😡 BECAUSE YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE THAT’S WHY.

All that to say I’m sorry. DH and I used to to stagger our working times so that we could minimize the nanny when I worked FT. But 100% of mental load was mine. Sick time, appointments, kid issues of any kind... me. We made the same $$, but he didn’t like the optics of a 50/50 split at work. He worked with all men who all had SAHW so child care was a foreign concept. A periodic fit usually helped.

[campermom]

Oct 17, 2019 20:26:09 GMT -5 divanerd said:

Hugs I am sorry! I'm over adulting today was to head to the store.
Watching I'm Sorry and having a half glass of wine is better.

# selfcare

That is a perfect combination.

[waverly]

How about this one- DH was gone Sunday- Thursday morning. Then went out with his friend tonight. 😡

I actually like it when he sees friends, so it’s not me he is complaining too but not immediately after a work trip! At least he came right home when I texted him this.

[mommyatty]

vasc- how well do your kids handle them? My brother and I both got tons of bloody noses. My mom always thought it was because of allergies. I wasn’t at all freaked out, but my brother, who is 8 years older than me, would have a full-blown panic attack every time it happened. I can see them sending a kid home for a nose bleed if it’s accompanied by a freak out.

[mustardseed2007]

Yesterday I was working with a guy (a co worker I don't work with directly) to get him to a meeting out of stat that was going to be a day trip. He tentatively agreed to the day and time but then said he would have to check with his wife b/c he has 6 kids and he just knows he can't schedule a day trip out of state without talking to her first.

I was like dude-you're cool.

ETA: I cant imagine 6 kids though.

[waverly]

vasc, yeah I was wondering if you could meet with the daycare and give them some tips to make them more comfortable handling the situation. I don't know how preventable they are. My neighbors daughter has it, and it wouldn't stop either. And I know fall is worse weather wise for nose bleeds.

[vasc]

Both kids have had them often enough to not be too freaked out. DD calmly stands at the bathroom sink while I put compression and ice pack on her nose. Our neighbor taught her the paper-bag-up-under-the-lip technique, but that tends to get messy fast.

DS likely tried to bat away them holding his nose down. They said it started as a sneeze and quickly there was blood on the carpet, his shoes, clothes, etc.

Last night I put the big humidifier in his room, squirted saline up his nostrils, and applied Vick’s to his chest.

[xctsclrx]

ECB, he got it. He will now pick up the kids if he leaves work early without me asking or expecting anything in return. He is getting much better. I think his co-parent relationship with his ex really messed him up and that fact that she will not give him anything without getting anything back in return. For them it is a constant battle. It was also a constant battle with his parents (also divorced) I am putting my foot down now and refusing to live that way.

On the subject of bloody noses. DS has been getting them almost daily and some days multiple times a day. I have had them my whole life, but not to this extent. I feel bad for him.

[rere]

On the bloody noses. We try to keep some Neosporin up DDs nose, especially when the air is dry. She has them periodically and they are gushers. We also keep it on hand for swimming since that brings them on. Sometimes we gel lax, and then she will have them more often. They cauterized my nostril and that seems to have helped, but they haven't wanted to do DDs, just the Neosporin.