Shopping Addiction

[waverly]

I think DH has shopping addiction.  I use addiction because I think it is pretty bad.  However, I understand that sometimes people get offended with that word in some cases, so we can also use problem.

You all were extremely helpful with ways to talk to him about his depression, and it has gotten probably 75% better.  Not 100%, but he is working at it, and he is not on medication by his choice. So I am seeking your advice here as well because your advice previously was so good.  

I thought you would have some helpful ways to talk to him about his shopping problem.  When I read stuff like Debtors Anonymous it is not nearly that bad.  It is not ruining our finances.  We pay everything on time, we have great credit, we have retirement savings.  We are doing way better than most people.  Not better than people who are in our income/ education level though.  And he runs up credit cards, and I am tired of it. 

I am tired of the constant boxes in the house from online shopping.  I am tired of the constant influx of items he is buying and returning.  I am tired of trying to find places to store his items like his shoes.  And another shoe is on the way.  I have had to clean out the attic office to make room for his 2 record players and records (one player was free).  I have had to clean out his man cave/ workshop so he can essentially put a brewery in there.  I have had to clean out the under stairs storage for camping equipment (the whole family uses this, so I can't blame him 100%).  He has an obsessive personality, so he finds something and obsesses over it. Whether it is home repairs, or light bulbs, or brewing, or online shopping, or his career. 

We have come up with a lot of financial rules that he is trying to follow, and he is the most complicit he has been ever.  Any of these conversations would have been a fight previously.  For example, in the past I had to make him return a $$ drone.  He did but was sad.  He got $$ speakers, installed them and didn't tell me.  They were already installed, so I couldn't tell him to take them all back.  Plus I had just made him return the drone a year ago.  We agreed to discuss before purchases.  He is trying, but he is already over budget of what we discussed.  He would NEVER agree to a discussion over a certain limit before, so this is progress. 

I think he needs to address it in therapy.  I also think he needs a come to Jesus talk. What say you WP?  I will admit I am part of the vacation spending problem, and maybe necessary medical bills for the kids (needs not wants here), but I am not a spender.  So I am not part of the shopping problem at all.  That is all him.  I get we just made it through a very expensive time- 2 kids in daycare, and just got out from that.  But it is not under control. 

We are like 80% there, but if he can get his shopping under control it would be 100%.  

[186momx]

I would stop cleaning out spaces so he has more room to store stuff. He buys more shoes he needs to find a home for them same thing with his brew stuff, or just the random stuff that I would push that he stores in his man cave.

My DH loves to buy stuff when he can't find what he is looking for so he will just run over to Bi-Mart and pick it up and say it is no big deal because it was just 5 bucks. Lately I've just say no spend the running shopping time into actually looking for it in the messy garage or messy spare room. Luckily DH hates tech so no online shopping for him.

For online shopping can you both agree to only buying things online on Sunday and you each get to view the other person's cart before ordering? He can shop all he wants but he can't purchase until you look over his cart on Sunday. Most of my clients that have problems with online shopping say it really is just an impulse control problem and because it is easy to click and ship they don't realize how much they bought until the living room is full of boxes.

[mae0111]

I don’t have any advice to give, but I’m sorry. DH likes nice things, but I managed to temper his love of shopping early in our relationship and got him to focus on paying for the things he bought that put him in debt. I don’t really remember how it all happened, but i really focused on getting him to understand that he didn’t have to spend his life in debt. But it sounds like things are the issue, not the money necessarily.

I will think about it, but I wanted to wish you luck.

[twinmomma]

I shop. A Lot. I realize that this is a part of my personality and that it can easily spiral out of control and it has in the past. It's been a challenge for me since my divorce too, since all my money is now mine and I don't have to answer to anyone about what I buy. I've worked on coping mechanisms for myself to help curb my spending and shopping habits.

First, I don't let myself use credit cards. Whenever I try, it ends badly. So I've just stopped that as an option altogether. I carry one credit card and it is for emergencies only. I cut up all my other cards, including the store ones that sucked me in with coupons and deals.

Second, since I only use cash (or really, debit card), I give myself a very strict allowance each week to spend on things. Those things could include lunches out, dates, shopping, etc. So I have to really think about buying some random thing because it could make me broke for something else I was planning on.

Third, I know that if I buy something and say "Oh I'll just return it later" I won't. And then I'm out that money and I feel guilty. So I try to force myself to try on clothes so I don't end up with a pile of un-wearable stuff.

For me, shopping fills a weird void. When I'm lonely or feeling down, I just go wander stores and end up with STUFF. Shopping has also been built into my life as a bonding experience with my mom, sister, and aunt. So it's got that nice connotation to it too. It's a tough habit to break and it's definitely an addictive part of my personality. So I'd just caution you to be gentle when bringing it up. When XH would just yell at me to "NOT BUY STUFF" it didn't help. Obviously. He would make me feel bad and say things like "I just don't buy things, why do you always feel the need to go buy stuff? Just don't do it." in a really condescending way. At one point I begged him to give me a cash allowance and take over paying all the bills so that I could reset myself and he refused, claiming it shouldn't be that hard to stop shopping. So, don't do that. lol It is an addiction and a mental illness that's hard to control like anything else.

ETA - Glennon Doyle actually talks about how shopping addiction works and has some good insight into it in her book Love Warrior.

[rere]

Just a question. With his depression, do you think it may be more bi polar? My Grandmother and dad both had bi polar depression. They would have lows, but then would have what we would call highs. Part of the highs were spending a lot more money than usual, impulse buying and throwing themselves into whatever project, hobby that they were into at the time. Medication helped, if you could keep them on it.

[waverly]

rere , hmm that's really interesting. As far as I know he is not bi polar, but for sure exhibits some of their tendencies. For example, not OCD but obsessive. He doesn't seem to go back and forth between highs and lows, but rather uses obsession to cover up his depression.

For example, he will do every house project he can think of including building whole new basement steps from wood (he is not a carpenter), but he wants to use his hands and learn something because it takes his mind off his depression and makes him feel good about himself because he accomplished X. This kind of stuff when I had toddlers was overwhelming for me, so I made him reign it in. Then it turned into his brewing, which I think is a pretty good hobby. Kids are older, and it doesn't disrupt our lives like a big gaping whole into the basement that the toddlers could throw themselves off. But brewing is just a couple of hours every once in a while, so then I think somehow shopping became the thing. Maybe I need to get him more into better hobbies? He also goes to the gym on the weekends and walks on our treadmill as well. We do family outings and he coaches soccer, but he just needs to be busy or else his mind tells him he is not good enough due to the depression (not because he isn't busy and thinks he is lazy type thing).

I do think he would benefit from an anti depressant, however he won't go on one. It took a come to jesus talk with him about the depression for him to go to therapy. It's been very helpful and almost 2 years now that he has been in it. But I think medication would just take him up that extra 20%. Both his parents and both his siblings are on anti depressants because depression runs in the family. His brother has something else too, maybe bi polar but he has a seizure disorder and had brain surgery, so there are other factors.


I've suggested medication, but he is still not interested.  At least he didn't react poorly to it though like he would have 2 years ago.  I do want him to talk about it and/ or his obsessive tendencies in therapy.  He doesn't always take kindly to my therapy suggestions (between him and his doctor which I get), but I think it would be helpful. 

[polecat8]

waverly, would your H be interested in meds if you told him that it would be a temporary thing until he could gain some coping techniques for the depression?

Your H sounds a lot like mine with the periods of intense focus on a task. My DH feels the need to always be doing something or talking to someone. I think it is a coping mechanism for his depression - can't feel down if you are focused on something else! The fact that he couldn't focus on a task for any length of time when the kids were younger was really hard for him. At that point, I told him to talk to a counselor and psychiatrist for help. DH really didn't want to go on meds, but when I presented it to him as a temporary measure, he began to accept it. The idea was that he would take the meds while he was going to therapy so he could figure out how to cope. He loved his therapist because she really explained how the brain functions in these situations and how it related to what he was feeling. DH has now decreased his meds to a very small dose and may go off of them in the next year or so.

[rere]

That sounds a lot like dad. His house had 15 rock gardens, several sheds he build himself for various uses, a park for the kids that he built himself, chickens, goats, pigeons. He always had to have something going on. He bought a trailer and some land, just for the heck of it because he wanted to have a place to crash closer to town. When he got sick, we found out he had absolutely no money, which was surprising since I thought he was somewhat frugal. He would have also have really low, lows periodically. Like not being able to function and moving back in with his parents. Which his mom is the same way, so that was always a train wreck.