Sure it’s annoying but it’s obviously how they operate. They expect the kids (or by default, you) to contact them so I’d just do it like once a month or so.
My mom will sometimes make some comment about how we haven't talked in a few days and I usually reply, "Oh man, what's been going on with your phone that it can't make calls?" because she always just waits for me to call her.
Sure it’s annoying but it’s obviously how they operate. They expect the kids (or by default, you) to contact them so I’d just do it like once a month or so.
Fuck that. Sorry, but there's no way grown adults should be expecting the kids to make the effort. Nope. No way.
Sure it’s annoying but it’s obviously how they operate. They expect the kids (or by default, you) to contact them so I’d just do it like once a month or so.
See, no. I'm at a very fuck this shit place with this. When they were here, alllllllll they did was talk about SILs kids. To my kids. To me. To my husband. They want a monthly standing call, they can set it up.
To be honest I think it is pretty crappy of them. But what are you gaining by being upset and thus also not calling them?
Some people don't call and then complain about it. I've heard of it often, so it is definitely a group of people.
I would categorize them in this group, and I would call when it is convenient for me. If it is just once a month fine, or even quarterly fine- I would still call them. But I wouldn't be super going out of my way for it at all. Otherwise I would ignore their comments or tell them the phone works both ways.
I'd just reply, "Great! I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. Some good times for you to call would be X, Y, Z."
That was my plan.
But I'm so pissed off that I'm likely going to wait a bit before replying so I don't end up with a text that's too bitchy. Last time they set up a call, they called an hour late and my kids were sad (and my son missed the whole thing because he was at tball).
My mom will sometimes make some comment about how we haven't talked in a few days and I usually reply, "Oh man, what's been going on with your phone that it can't make calls?" because she always just waits for me to call her.
My mom is exactly the same way. I've actually been deliberately not calling lately to see how long it will take her. So far it has been three weeks.
I'd just reply, "Great! I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. Some good times for you to call would be X, Y, Z."
That was my plan.
But I'm so pissed off that I'm likely going to wait a bit before replying. Last time they set up a call, they called an hour late and my kids were sad (and my son missed the whole thing because he was at tball).
Oh for sure, make her wait a bit. And I hope you told them how upset your son was because of their lateness. Lay it on thick.
It’s absolutely shitty of them to expect kids who probably don’t know them as much anymore since they moved to WANT to reach out and the older they get the busier they’ll be and even less likely to reach out, especially if their Grandparents haven’t fostered the relationship. It’s stupid of grown ass adults to think someone else is responsible for doing that.
eta-my DS hasn’t seen or talked to his Grandma in three years and we saw them at a reunion this summer. When we left H made DS say goodbye to her (she was turned away) and she was all dramatic “wasn’t it so sweet of him to say goodbye to me”-dude...he wouldn’t have if H hadn’t made him so don’t think he gives a shit about “reaching out” when she doesn’t. So my view is probably bias...
But I'm so pissed off that I'm likely going to wait a bit before replying. Last time they set up a call, they called an hour late and my kids were sad (and my son missed the whole thing because he was at tball).
Oh for sure, make her wait a bit. And I hope you told them how upset your son was because of their lateness. Lay it on thick.
My husband did, but in his own way. He's frighteningly curt when he wants to be. When he answered the phone he was like "well, you missed O. His game started an hour after your scheduled call so he's on the field."
Sure it’s annoying but it’s obviously how they operate. They expect the kids (or by default, you) to contact them so I’d just do it like once a month or so.
See, no. I'm at a very fuck this shit place with this. When they were here, alllllllll they did was talk about SILs kids. To my kids. To me. To my husband. They want a monthly standing call, they can set it up.
Ok, then let it go. Don’t spend mental energy on it. Like I said, I get it’s annoying but I also think it’s fairly common. I know for myself growing up it’s the way it was, and sons grandmothers definitely wait for him to contact them too.
Obviously the dynamic is different with your SILs kids, but unfortunately I think that’s pretty common as well.
I'd just reply, "Great! I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. Some good times for you to call would be X, Y, Z."
That was my plan.
But I'm so pissed off that I'm likely going to wait a bit before replying so I don't end up with a text that's too bitchy. Last time they set up a call, they called an hour late and my kids were sad (and my son missed the whole thing because he was at tball).
I'm an asshole, so take this with a grain of salt, but I wouldn't be handling this. Your husband can deal with it. It's hard enough being disappointed by your (my) own parents, I'm not going to deal with being disappointed my inlaws too.
My ILS and my dad do the same thing. They are sad we don’t call more, but never fucking pick up the phone.
You guys are the ones with the endless amounts of time. Do not expect people at peak busy time of their lives to be able to slow down and consistently pick up the phone. I will of course answer if you call, but I am not clambering for more things I need to be responsible for in my day.
To be honest I think it is pretty crappy of them. But what are you gaining by being upset and thus also not calling them?
Some people don't call and then complain about it. I've heard of it often, so it is definitely a group of people.
I would categorize them in this group, and I would call when it is convenient for me. If it is just once a month fine, or even quarterly fine- I would still call them. But I wouldn't be super going out of my way for it at all. Otherwise I would ignore their comments or tell them the phone works both ways.
I'm gaining nothing. That's an odd response. I'm not looking to gain here, I'm looking for my kids not to lose.
My ILs almost never call my H... they even forgot to call him on his birthday last year. I have no expectation that they will make an effort to call DS as he gets older either.
My FIL is like this- we provide him many opportunities to see DS, to see us, but then he'll cancel, or have his phone in his face the entire time, or need a nap. And then it's the attempt at guilting us with comments about how he hardly sees us, he doesn't feel close to DS, etc.
So - first, I agree, after some time, reply with "They'd love to hear from you! Here are some dates/times!"
Second - while easier said than done, DH and I have gotten to a point where we really literally shrug our shoulders and say "oh well". WE know we've done all we can to see him. If he doesn't see that, misses opportunities, doesn't feel that 3 days at the beach with DS and DH is "bonding" time w/ DS... that's all on him. We can't do anything more than we're doing.
To the concept that you should set up calls - honestly, I think that will only lead to more frustration and annoyance. I strongly suspect that the calls will be cancelled, even go unanswered. It will only make you madder. MAYBE for a special occasion (birthday, CHristmas), make an effort. But really, I don't blame you if you don't even want to do that.
THey are the ones being vocal about wanting to have these calls. They need to show SOME real desire for this other than "hope to talk to the kids soon!!".
To be honest I think it is pretty crappy of them. But what are you gaining by being upset and thus also not calling them?
Some people don't call and then complain about it. I've heard of it often, so it is definitely a group of people.
I would categorize them in this group, and I would call when it is convenient for me. If it is just once a month fine, or even quarterly fine- I would still call them. But I wouldn't be super going out of my way for it at all. Otherwise I would ignore their comments or tell them the phone works both ways.
I'm gaining nothing. That's an odd response. I'm not looking to gain here, I'm looking for my kids not to lose.
I think you're being deliberately obtuse here, probably because you're so hurt for your kids, which I totally get. I have a similar issue with my kids, but it was about them favoriting one of mine over the other when the two were younger.
Of course you aren't looking to "gain" -- but in other words, your kids do lose out if you don't call them. You aren't going to change how your ILs operate, so the choices are call them, or your kids don't talk to them. It's crappy, but those appear to be your two options. If you want the kids to have a relationship with them, it sounds like you guys need to initiate the contact.
I'm sorry they seem to favor SIL's kids. I know that stings. When my kids were younger, my ILs would always come visit us for one of my kid's bdays and NEVER come for the other one. It sucked. (Circumstances changed and so it's not an issue now.)
Post by Patsy Baloney on Oct 18, 2019 9:05:47 GMT -5
In scenarios like this, I like to imagine the passive-aggressive grandparent is complaining on a message board for passive-aggressive grandparents that their latest text dig didn’t get the reaction or attention they were looking for.
That’s an irritating response you got. You have my permission to be annoyed and hold her feet to the fire about calling and *keeping* those scheduled calls on time.
My mom has figured out both FB calling and still uses skype, so she'll call usually Sunday afternoons when she knows we're just home hanging out. It's not that hard and the 20 minutes she gets to talk on the phone is worth it both her and E.
My IL's are this way. DH once experimented to see if his dad would ever call him and it was over a month before DH broke down and called him. But my FIL forgot my kid's birthday this year, so fuck him anyway.
Sometimes I feel like a lot of this stuff is a case of who’s on first and Misunderstanding.. People are scared to ask for what they want and then they make assumptions and it leads to ambiguity and hurt feelings of passive aggressiveness.
How many times do I see On here that their in-laws or parents are annoying and call too much. So the Grandparents think ohhh the kids are busy, they’ll call us when they have time, we won’t intrude and the parents are thinking the last thing we have time to think about is calling you.
I agree with you that they should be the one calling their grandchildren, not the other way around. Except, they don't but still expect to talk to them somehow. That's who they are and it is very unlikely to change. And it sounds like they disproportionately favor the other grandchildren. Nothing you can change about that either. Now, despite knowing all that, if you still think your kids should maintain a relationship with their grandparents, I'd call them if you want your kids to have a relationship with them.
Post by lovelyshoes on Oct 18, 2019 9:19:44 GMT -5
I wouldn’t do a thing here. Your h can set up the time if he wants to. My fil was like that and never made an attempt and also always told us how much he did for bil’s kid. Know your audience. We took it as lack of interest because you make time when people are important to you. To play devil’s advocate, I’d take this over overbearing in-laws who are always calling and wanting to impose on your time.
I wouldn’t give into the guilt here because you don’t want your kids to grow up with guilt bs.
And honestly the being late for the call thing sucks and if there was no good reason for it shame on them. But the thing to do is for your H (!!) to say “we know you want to talk to the kids more, but if we schedule something we need you to try and be on time. It hurt ds’a feelings that he missed the call and it makes the kids feel like they aren’t a priority.”
Sometimes you need to train people how to treat you. Not saying it’s right or fair, but you are stuck with them so it’s up to you to make the best out of it.
I'm gaining nothing. That's an odd response. I'm not looking to gain here, I'm looking for my kids not to lose.
I think you're being deliberately obtuse here, probably because you're so hurt for your kids, which I totally get. I have a similar issue with my kids, but it was about them favoriting one of mine over the other when the two were younger.
Of course you aren't looking to "gain" -- but in other words, your kids do lose out if you don't call them. You aren't going to change how your ILs operate, so the choices are call them, or your kids don't talk to them. It's crappy, but those appear to be your two options. If you want the kids to have a relationship with them, it sounds like you guys need to initiate the contact.
I'm sorry they seem to favor SIL's kids. I know that stings. When my kids were younger, my ILs would always come visit us for one of my kid's bdays and NEVER come for the other one. It sucked. (Circumstances changed and so it's not an issue now.)
I'd just reply, "Great! I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. Some good times for you to call would be X, Y, Z."
My MIL does this. A lot. I finally started responding this way in the past couple of years because I really hate passive aggressiveness. It’s really helped my irritability regarding this.
I'm going to delete. I know the post belongs to the board once it's posted and that's the risk anyone takes, but I truly was looking for a gut check on whether the behavior was annoying. Not advice on how to respond or to have my husband respond. Or to be called obtuse. I do appreciate people taking the time to respond. I know it was well intended and thoughtful.
So I'm in my feelings. I'm still annoyed. I don't even care if anyone else thinks it's a legit annoyance anymore. I'm just going to be annoyed and hurt. Then I'm going to get over it and carry out our family's plan.