Reasons for separation

[dollhouse]

This is a gloom post so I apologize in advanced.

What are some non obvious valid reasons for divorce?

We know abuse, cheating, drinking/drug problems as valid reasons to leave your marriage but how much does “being” happy play into this decision?

I know this is extremely personal and depends on views, upbringing, religious beliefs but how much does your own happiness play into this? Would you say, you need to look for happiness within and not seek it from a partner? I’m utterly confused..

Context: I want to relocate for my job soon and realized I see my DH as a burden (financially, socially and emotionally) and having deeper thoughts on how to proceed. He is kind, and loyal but we aren’t a match in our views of life, ambition or activity level..I’m tired of our fights, where we expect the other one to change.

Thanks

[sonrisa]



Do you have kids?

Without kids, that could be enough reason. I know people who felt like you, divorced, and made a better lives for themselves afterwards.

With kids, what would moving away from them mean? Or moving them away from their father? Kids complicate life. That doesn't mean stay married. Just that it's more complicated.

[fivechickens]

I mean, if you are unhappy that is good enough reason. Staying could lead to resentment and that is never good.

[followyourarrow]

You don’t have to have a “reason”. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 18:50:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:



Do you have kids?

Without kids, that could be enough reason. I know people who felt like you, divorced, and made a better lives for themselves afterwards.

With kids, what would moving away from them mean? Or moving them away from their father? Kids complicate life. That doesn't mean stay married. Just that it's more complicated.

No kids. We are 40.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 18:50:58 GMT -5 fivechickens said:

I mean, if you are unhappy that is good enough reason. Staying could lead to resentment and that is never good.

I’m unhappy but then I struggle with the thought that maybe I’m acting entitiled and that I should lower my expectations. It’s a mind fuck.

[sonrisa]

Oct 18, 2019 18:53:57 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Oct 18, 2019 18:50:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:



Do you have kids?

Without kids, that could be enough reason. I know people who felt like you, divorced, and made a better lives for themselves afterwards.

With kids, what would moving away from them mean? Or moving them away from their father? Kids complicate life. That doesn't mean stay married. Just that it's more complicated.

No kids. We are 40.

Then its admirable that you are thinking about this now, rather than moving him away while you mull it over. Only you know if this unhappiness is because of him and longstanding, or temporary annoyance that is likely to pass.

[blondemoment123]

Well, I’m your H in this situation. I’m unwilling to move for his job and I do think deep down he sees me as a burden. If we didn’t have a son I know he’d have already moved on.

That said, you have every right to be happy. I’ll throw out the obligatory therapy suggestion. It really does help.

[fivechickens]

Oct 18, 2019 18:55:34 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Oct 18, 2019 18:50:58 GMT -5 fivechickens said:

I mean, if you are unhappy that is good enough reason. Staying could lead to resentment and that is never good.

I’m unhappy but then I struggle with the thought that maybe I’m acting entitiled and that I should lower my expectations. It’s a mind fuck.

I am sure there is more to it then just your reason but being unhappy and wanting a divorce does not mean you are entitled.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 18:57:48 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Oct 18, 2019 18:53:57 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

No kids. We are 40.

Then its admirable that you are thinking about this now, rather than moving him away while you mull it over. Only you know if this unhappiness is because of him and longstanding, or temporary annoyance that is likely to pass.

Thank you. We have had issues stemming from my anxiety for years. He says he sticks around as he hopes “I’ll get better”.. the struggle is real for me as I do have anxiety that he triggers a lot .. (lack of ambition, view life, etc) pluses about him is that he gives me a lot of freedom, is trusting, and since I’m the breadwinner I kinda run the show, which gives me a big sense of independence. My deeper gripes about him are that he is stubborn, doesn’t make me feel secure and we don’t share goals. He is very in the moment and I’m future oriented.

I am stuck with feeling -Not single and not married— in this relationship if you know what I mean.

[Bernadine]

It’s ok to separate if you’re unhappy, for whatever reason.

I’ve seen the book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” recommended.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 19:01:58 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Well, I’m your H in this situation. I’m unwilling to move for his job and I do think deep down he sees me as a burden. If we didn’t have a son I know he’d have already moved on.

That said, you have every right to be happy. I’ll throw out the obligatory therapy suggestion. It really does help.

I’ve been in therapy for 5 years. We did couple counseling a few times.. promises are made there but no follow through.. we jump into old patterns

[yaga]

My exH was unhappy and didn't like my passion for politics and being a liberal. (This isn't a joke.) So we're divorced. Honestly, we really didn't need a reason. It was just a broken relationship that we didn't try to fix ever. Therapy wasn't an option for us by the time my ex decided to end the marriage. And it wasn't really for me, even if I didn't want to get divorced at first, because I didn't want to stay in a marriage where I basically had to beg him to stay with me.

I just tell people I married the wrong person. That's truthfully how it feels and how it felt many times during our tumultuous relationship.

[jigsy]

No reason is needed.

But not being happy is a great start.

You deserve to be happy. He deserves to be happy. That isn't happening in this marriage.


You are entitled to happiness. You do not need to lower your standard of living just out of a sense of duty.

[cville]

View it this way: if my husband felt about me the way you're describing how you have felt about your husband (for five! years), I'd be sad FOR ME he wasn't initiating a separation. You know?

[meganew]

Oct 18, 2019 19:07:52 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Oct 18, 2019 19:01:58 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Well, I’m your H in this situation. I’m unwilling to move for his job and I do think deep down he sees me as a burden. If we didn’t have a son I know he’d have already moved on.

That said, you have every right to be happy. I’ll throw out the obligatory therapy suggestion. It really does help.

I’ve been in therapy for 5 years. We did couple counseling a few times.. promises are made there but no follow through.. we jump into old patterns

Have you been mostly unhappy that whole time? Life is short, and if you’re unhappy that’s reason enough to leave. It sounds like you’ve put the work in, but you’re both waiting for the other person to change. I’m sorry that you’re in a tough spot, but I don’t think there’s a threshold of unhappiness or wrong doing where it becomes “reason enough” to leave- “I’m unhappy and I think I would be happier alone” is reason enough.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 19:42:42 GMT -5 meganew said:

Oct 18, 2019 19:07:52 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

I’ve been in therapy for 5 years. We did couple counseling a few times.. promises are made there but no follow through.. we jump into old patterns

Have you been mostly unhappy that whole time? Life is short, and if you’re unhappy that’s reason enough to leave. It sounds like you’ve put the work in, but you’re both waiting for the other person to change. I’m sorry that you’re in a tough spot, but I don’t think there’s a threshold of unhappiness or wrong doing where it becomes “reason enough” to leave- “I’m unhappy and I think I would be happier alone” is reason enough.

Thanks. 2 things skewing my view..

1) This will be my second divorce (I’m embarrassed)
2) we have a dog and it makes sense for the dog to be with him (my anxiety makes me a nervous dog mom and also the dog spends more time with H) but I can’t get over losing the love of this pup. He is my everything..

Surprisingly I’m not afraid of being alone— maybe as I recently decided that I don’t want children so that factor isn’t driving me to seek a partner as it did in my past 2 marriages.

[wanderingback]

I don't think you need a "valid" reason. Now that I've been divorced I believe in that even more.

Sure you should take your vows seriously, but if you're not happy and don't want to be married anymore, it isn't the end of the world to get 1 divorce or 5 divorces.

For me personally that's why my partner and I have chosen not to get married, we personally don't feel that marriage would change the commitment level. If one of us is unhappy and it can't be worked through then we'll end the relationship, regardless of marriage or not.

I know it's cliche, but have you tried therapy for yourself and/or the marriage? If you're having confusing thoughts then hopefully therapy would help to make those clear and then you could proceed with what makes you happy.

When I was going through the process of my divorce I asked myself over and over again, when I'm (hopefully) older and on my death bed am I going to regret staying and being unhappy or leaving and being happy? The answer was always that I'd regret staying and being unhappy, so I left.

[gummy]

You only get one life. Don't waste your time unhappy.

[meltoine]

Oct 18, 2019 19:04:13 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Oct 18, 2019 18:57:48 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Then its admirable that you are thinking about this now, rather than moving him away while you mull it over. Only you know if this unhappiness is because of him and longstanding, or temporary annoyance that is likely to pass.

Thank you. We have had issues stemming from my anxiety for years. He says he sticks around as he hopes “I’ll get better”.. the struggle is real for me as I do have anxiety that he triggers a lot .. (lack of ambition, view life, etc) pluses about him is that he gives me a lot of freedom, is trusting, and since I’m the breadwinner I kinda run the show, which gives me a big sense of independence. My deeper gripes about him are that he is stubborn, doesn’t make me feel secure and we don’t share goals. He is very in the moment and I’m future oriented.

I am stuck with feeling -Not single and not married— in this relationship if you know what I mean.

I have no real advice, but it does strike me in this post that your "pros" for him/your marriage are all things that would also be better/more if you were single. The freedom and you running the show/independence both sound like attractive things about single life.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 20:05:15 GMT -5 meltoine said:

Oct 18, 2019 19:04:13 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Thank you. We have had issues stemming from my anxiety for years. He says he sticks around as he hopes “I’ll get better”.. the struggle is real for me as I do have anxiety that he triggers a lot .. (lack of ambition, view life, etc) pluses about him is that he gives me a lot of freedom, is trusting, and since I’m the breadwinner I kinda run the show, which gives me a big sense of independence. My deeper gripes about him are that he is stubborn, doesn’t make me feel secure and we don’t share goals. He is very in the moment and I’m future oriented.

I am stuck with feeling -Not single and not married— in this relationship if you know what I mean.

I have no real advice, but it does strike me in this post that your "pros" for him/your marriage are all things that would also be better/more if you were single. The freedom and you running the show/independence both sound like attractive things about single life.

Wow.. this is really eye opening.. wow, that I hadn’t realized this. Thank you

[Deleted]

I'm going through a divorce now from a fantastic man. Truly, he's a great guy and I would set him up with my best friend (not literally but you get my point).

It took me about two years though to realizes he's no longer "my" fantastic guy and for that reason alone it's a valid reason for a divorce. I'm looking for something different. And I know this sounds like a grass is greener situation, but I can assure you it isn't. The nuance here is hard to put into words.

I also realized that it was unfair to him to have someone that wasn't all in on the relationship. He deserves someone that wants to be with him as much as he wants to be with them and that's not me.

Could I have stayed with him and lived a perfectly pleasant life? Sure. But life is short and I didn't want to settle for "pleasant".

I will also add that our divorce is the best case scenario. We have agreed on everything as far as who gets what, we both make enough income that our lives don't have to change, etc. We have no kids. We still genuinely like each other. However, it's still hard. Harder then I would have realized given everything I just said. It really has given me an ENORMOUS empathy to those going through a difficult divorce. I mean, if I feel this way and I have the "best case scenario" divorce, I can't imagine how difficult it is for others.

FWIW, I'm in my late 40's, he's in his early 50's and we have no kids.

I wish you the best and don't be so hard on yourself to find that reason.

[dollhouse]

Oct 18, 2019 20:28:52 GMT -5 @heyitsme said:

I'm going through a divorce now from a fantastic man. Truly, he's a great guy and I would set him up with my best friend (not literally but you get my point).

It took me about two years though to realizes he's no longer "my" fantastic guy and for that reason alone it's a valid reason for a divorce. I'm looking for something different. And I know this sounds like a grass is greener situation, but I can assure you it isn't. The nuance here is hard to put into words.

I also realized that it was unfair to him to have someone that wasn't all in on the relationship. He deserves someone that wants to be with him as much as he wants to be with them and that's not me.

Could I have stayed with him and lived a perfectly pleasant life? Sure. But life is short and I didn't want to settle for "pleasant".

I will also add that our divorce is the best case scenario. We have agreed on everything as far as who gets what, we both make enough income that our lives don't have to change, etc. We have no kids. We still genuinely like each other. However, it's still hard. Harder then I would have realized given everything I just said. It really has given me an ENORMOUS empathy to those going through a difficult divorce. I mean, if I feel this way and I have the "best case scenario" divorce, I can't imagine how difficult it is for others.

FWIW, I'm in my late 40's, he's in his early 50's and we have no kids.

I wish you the best and don't be so hard on yourself to find that reason.

Thank you for sharing.. any tips or advice on how I can overcome the hard times and feelings? Is it hard because of division of assists? Or hard due to guilt? I would like to remain cordial and friendly as possible. We have a post nup agreement so I hope that helps.

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2019 20:36:24 GMT -5 dollhouse said:

Oct 18, 2019 20:28:52 GMT -5 @heyitsme said:

I'm going through a divorce now from a fantastic man. Truly, he's a great guy and I would set him up with my best friend (not literally but you get my point).

It took me about two years though to realizes he's no longer "my" fantastic guy and for that reason alone it's a valid reason for a divorce. I'm looking for something different. And I know this sounds like a grass is greener situation, but I can assure you it isn't. The nuance here is hard to put into words.

I also realized that it was unfair to him to have someone that wasn't all in on the relationship. He deserves someone that wants to be with him as much as he wants to be with them and that's not me.

Could I have stayed with him and lived a perfectly pleasant life? Sure. But life is short and I didn't want to settle for "pleasant".

I will also add that our divorce is the best case scenario. We have agreed on everything as far as who gets what, we both make enough income that our lives don't have to change, etc. We have no kids. We still genuinely like each other. However, it's still hard. Harder then I would have realized given everything I just said. It really has given me an ENORMOUS empathy to those going through a difficult divorce. I mean, if I feel this way and I have the "best case scenario" divorce, I can't imagine how difficult it is for others.

FWIW, I'm in my late 40's, he's in his early 50's and we have no kids.

I wish you the best and don't be so hard on yourself to find that reason.

Thank you for sharing.. any tips or advice on how I can overcome the hard times and feelings? Is it hard because of division of assists? Or hard due to guilt? I would like to remain cordial and friendly as possible. We have a post nup agreement so I hope that helps.

It's hard because of guilt (he didn't want this divorce) and just emotions.  Even though I know this is the right thing, you still are mourning a relationship.  A relationship that you thought wouldn't end.  You now have to redefine what your future is going to look like versus the one that you thought you were going to have.  Admittedly this is both sad and exciting at the same time.  It can also be a little scary - the unknown always is.

And on a more practical note - it's a lot of work!  We are working with a paralegal but you still have to gather documentations (assets/financials) and then the separation of all the bills (taking him off the mobile bill, changing the electric bill to my name, etc.)  We also have to dissolve our trust and refinance our properties.  Just...stuff needs to be done.  it can be exhausting on top of it all.

However, I can say I'm completely confident in my decision.  Would it have been easy to say?  yes, absolutely.  However, my happiness is worth more then "easy".

[Deleted]

I should also add - stay busy. Pick up a new hobby if that's what you want. Surround yourself with people - new people, old relationships, etc. If you get invited somewhere - go! Plan a trip so you have something to look forward too. Read more books. Join a gym. Volunteer. Redecorate your home (or start planning how you are going to decorate your new home).

Whatever that gets you out of the old routine and gets you thinking (and excited) about your new life.

[isabel]

Oct 18, 2019 19:35:07 GMT -5 cville said:

View it this way: if my husband felt about me the way you're describing how you have felt about your husband (for five! years), I'd be sad FOR ME he wasn't initiating a separation. You know?

I agree with this. I don't think this is any way to go through life.

If my best friend told me this (and she basically has), I would tell her to get divorced (which I've done). Your standards don't need to be lowered. You deserve to feel happy and not weighed down.

And, while I don't think kids are a great reason to stay in a marriage, the lack thereof really cements this for me.

[sadlebred]

You don't need a reason to get divorced. Being unhappy is enough of one. Like others have said, maybe some couples counseling in a different setting might help. Maybe it won't. Maybe it will help you see that you really do or don't want to be divorced. ex-H and I did several months of couples counseling. Ultimately he didn't want to change or give up his girlfriend (you read that right, GF), so I eventually divorced him. I don't regret it.

I recommend talking to 2-3 divorce attorneys before making up your mind. Find out what the laws are in your state about dividing assets from the marriage and from pre-marriage. In my state, there are no laws other than property division being "equitable", and the woman usually gets screwed if you don't have kids. Then hire a bull dog of an attorney who will fight like hell for you and your rights.

[litskispeciality]

Sadly my husband and I have talked divorce many times, and most of the time his job and our lack of being able to move or so anything outside of a 15 mile radius is the reason. I know in one sense hes held my career back because of this and I'll always have some resentment...he's aware of that. Ive told him many times that as his friend I want him happy, if hes so miserable in the marriage, or doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore that he should let me go and be happy. That's what i'd tell a good friend. I'd never want to be the unwanted spouse or have someone resent me for holding them back even if it effing hurts to end the marriage.

I wish you luck with whatever you do and hope thag it makes you happy. As others have said a counselor can probably help you sort through some of your thoughts.

[Shreddingbetty]

Divorce sucks...but so does staying in a marriage where you are not really happy. You don’t want to hurt his feeling but you are the one getting hurt in the end. I divorced my now sober ex 3 years after I gave him an ultimatum and him getting sober. I had weekly therapy from the time he went to rehab until the day I moved out 3 years later. I struggled with so much guilt because I gave him an ultimatum and he did get sober and sought treatment and now I was the bitch that couldn’t get passed it and move on with him. It took lots of therapy to be ok with not wanting to be with him. My therapist told me that whatever decision I make I just have to be ok with it (staying versus leaving) and that if I am no longer happy for whatever reason then that is reason enough. Now my ex was an alcoholic and that really damaged the relationship a lot and I was the codependent who has always, like someone else said, played it safe and lived to please others and in the process really neglected myself. This was my second marriage as well and we have a kid. But I was not willing to stick around for my kid and then end up getting divorced 10 years later when she goes to college. I’m just turns 47 so I’m old enough as it is but add another 10 years to that and I have wasted some good years. He really did not want the divorce But I think I was done when I gave him the ultimatum but was scared of being alone, not wanting to do that to my kid, financially etc. I have been divorced for a year now and I feel so relieved. I was in a relationship for 28 years straight front the age of 18 and went straight from my first to my second ex and I felt like a failure for getting it wrong twice. But honestly I like having y own house, doing my own thing and having freedom. I don’t like having to share my kid 50/50 as I did all the hard work until we divorced (he really was not present much until we divorced so I feel like i raised her alone which was just fine with me, she is 9 now). He wasn’t a bad person and he meant well and would do anything for me but was so absent emotionally (not financially ) for so many years and i just plugged through it feeling like I should be grateful for what I had (we had a very comfortable and privileged life)
But in therapy I learned that I need to do what is best for me. And staying in the marriage ultimately would not have been good for my kid either if I was not happy. I needed to learn to be somewhat selfish and think about my needs for a change and quit pleasing everyone else and forgetting about me in the process. I also have no intérêt in a relationship right now. Sometime I wish I had someone but mostly just for the physical part. I missed that for so long (without realizing what I was really missing). I hooked up with a young friend of mine a few times the last couple of summers and realized what I have been missing out on for so long, I really enjoy having sex with him and that I miss (unfortunately our relationship is completely unrealistic other than FWB whenever we see each other and if he is single at the time as he lives in Europe and is much younger. But I dont miss not having someone around all the time. I just need to learn to be me and stand up for what I want and if I jumped into another relationship I’m afraid I would fall back into old pleasing habits.
Life is too short, and staying in a so so marriage even if there isn’t anything “obviously” wrong isn’t doing either one of you any favors even if in the short term it will hurt a lot. Long term you will both be better off. He deserves to be with someone that is really invested into the relationship and you deserve to be happy and if you are not happy that’s all the reason you need. You dont have kids. I get the dog thing but ultimately the dog won’t be around forever. It is kind of like a kid, you can’t stay together just for the kid, I gave up two dogs that I loved with my first divorce, it was hard but ultimately I got past it.
You may also find that your anxiety etc will actually get better if you leave. Even if there isn’t a clear reason why you are unhappy ( and by that I mean addiction issues or abuse or infidelity ) being unhappy does a number on your mental health but it may not be super clear. You may find yourself so relieved if you leave that your mental health improves as well. Life is too short not to be happy and to have regrets later on. I could not picture myself being with my ex when I’m old so I’d I’d not want to waste time just to keep everyone else happy (which they probably wouldn’t have really been if I was unhappy).
Anyway, as hard as it is, don’t feel bad about wanting out. People change and sometime that means you are no longer compatible. And it is Ok to want out just because you are not feeling it anymore. Sounds like you hav tried marriage counseling already and you are doing individual therapy so it isn’t like you woke up one day and decided to leave. My therapist wanted me to be really ok with whatever decision I made and that took me quite a while but so far I have zero regrets other than I still have to deal with my ex who is quite bitter still.

[pumpkin]

I wrote a long post to you that the app ate, but what it boiled down to is that if you two are no longer compatible then you don't need a reason or explanation for anyone on why you divorce. The relationship just not be the right one and the two of you may have more differences that aren't complimentary than are. It can be tough to move in that direction, but you do deserve to be happy.