Tough Reading Assignment and Anxious Kid

[nicolewi]

I'm not really sure what advice someone might have about this, but sometimes you all surprise me. So, my anxious 5th grader has an extremely hard time with sad/scary movies or books. FWIW, I did, too, as a kid and I still don't like really depressing stuff. It can really affect me so I mostly just avoid it.

She really backslid in reading after reading "Stone Fox" (assigned) in school and being so upset that she didn't want to take chances on any new books. So, her reading group is now reading "The Mailbox," by Audrey Schafer. DD is at a bday party now. I was curious about the book, so I just read it, and....man, it's really pretty heavy. It's tough. It's a good book, I am fine handling this as an adult despite being sensitive to books, but IMO it is a little much for most 5th graders and definitely for DD. I was being positive about it earlier when she was putting it off and saying it was probably really good, but now that I have read it I think she will have a hard time with it. 

Maybe she will surprise me--I realize that could happen. BUT...

...spoilers....

The book is about a young boy whose Vietnam vet uncle dies...uncle has custody of boy...body disappears and notes come to the boy from a secret friend who knew his uncle from the war...boy lives on his own for a while with help of notes from secret friend and a dog from secret friend...and eventually the whole mess is resolved. But in the process...

boy sees a fly crawl in and out of his dead uncle's nose
boy's dog is taken and shot by the police (but will be okay)
secret war vet friend ends up having shot a young boy in Vietnam, which is described...and war vet tried to commit suicide by shooting self in face and is now missing half his face.

On the plus side, there are lots of people who care about and want to help the boy, and it ends on a good note. 

But really, it is A LOT. I mean, I cried at a few parts and found it to be pretty tough, especially for a 10 year old. I'm not sure what to do. She's supposed to read almost the entire book this weekend b/c her reading group of four kids for some reason decided they wanted to assign that to themselves (DD dissented but was outvoted).

Any thoughts? Advice?  I don't want to exempt her, but I would like to somehow help her handle it better behind the scenes. Like, I don't want her friends to know that she's having a hard time, or think she's a "special snowflake" and can't handle it, but I also think she really WILL have a hard time. 

[blondemoment123]

That definitely doesn’t seem appropriate for someone her age. Is the teacher aware of what book the reading group is reading?

[abs]

I think she is going to need to read this and you can help her work past any feelings she might have.

Nothing in there screams inappropriate to me but maybe I’m missing something. Once she gets to junior high she will have way tougher reading assignments so I think it’s important to work on it now.



ETA: parts definitely seem pretty intense. I do get your concern.

[nicolewi]

blondemoment123, the teacher assigned it.

I mean, it's hard. It's a good story with a "happy" ending, but there's a lot in it that is hard to handle.

ALSo, the boy finds out that his mother was murdered when he was two....taken from a rest stop when she was walking back to the car and "driven away in a white van" to be murdered.
Minor part of the story, but one of those things that might really stick in a kids' head. Especially an anxious one.

[lillaguma]

Can you read it with her? I realize this would be a huge time commitment on your part, but if you can be right there to experience it with her that may help her process and get through it.

This sounds pretty heavy for 5th grade. I do remember my friends and I being really fascinated with the Titanic when we were in 5th grade and reading everything we could about it (and writing our own pathetic stories about it) and I know we did the Holocaust in 4th grade and read things like Number the Stars. So I think it isn't totally off base to think that kids can start tackling heavy things at that age, but you also know your own child best and what she can handle.

Are all of the groups reading the same book?

[isabel]

I remember what I read in 5th grade and it was not stuff like this. What you're describing sounds more along the lines of some things I read in late middle school.

I don't know. I guess if she's going to need to read it, I would read it along with her so that the two of you can talk through the heavy parts and hopefully help her "feel" it a little less.

I would consider speaking with the teacher though. I think that content is too much for a 5th grader.

[oliviapope]

My oldest has anxiety. The key here is to likely read it with her. Many of those things will trigger her sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight) and you want to engage her parasympathetic nervous system. You can do that by having her look for things he overcame, point out where he was brave, where he was kind, who helped him. When she is looking for the positives it will be easier to see those, and the hard things will be less shocking. She can even keep notes of the things she finds. Continue to talk about the positives and help her to shift into a different mindset for the book.

[ellipses84]

I would not like my kid that age reading a book like that, especially if they had anxiety issues. One or two awful references that support a good plot might be ok, but that is so many terrible things and there are tons of other age appropriate options the teacher could have had them choose from.

If she has to read it, I agree with others that you should read if with her and talk about things as you go.

[VillainV]

In this case I think it’s fine to engage with the school counselor for guidance and strategies. That seems like a LOT for a 10-year-old. I mean, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a child that age seeing a movie with that kind of content and imagery, so a book seems similarly mismatched to that age group.

Do you think it might help if she could read a synopsis ahead of time, that you could discuss with her? That might prepare her for some of the major scary issues so she isn’t blindsided by them while reading, and can experience the book without being anxious because she kind of knows what’s coming. This helped me tremendously after a major traumatic event in my life (spouse’s suicide) to be able to enjoy books and movies again.

[1yeartogo]

I would approach the teacher and school counselor if you are concerned. I have a 4th grader with a mood disorder/anxiety and don’t think there is any way he could handle that type of content. Especially if you child works with a counselor I would think there would be an alternative reading assignment available.

The content seems more appropriate for middle school not elementary.

[pugz]

Wow. That is REALLY heavy for elementary school. The most serious stuff we read in elementary was The Boy Who Loved Clowns (that was read aloud to us) and I read The HIding Place in 6th grade because the other WW2 books they assigned were way below my reading level. It wasn't until 7th grade that we read more heavy stuff and even that was The Giving, A Day no Pigs Would Die, Summer of my German Soldier...all pretty tame still compared to the book you describe.

I think reading it with her is the best route her but also I'd want to find out more about what goes into choosing books in regards to the content and age appropriateness.

[pugz]

Amazon says ages 8-12, grades 3-7. www.amazon.com/Mailbox-Audrey-Shafer/dp/0440421349

[joenali]

I think I know which curriculum you are taking about. There has been a huge push by teachers to have the curriculum writers suggest an alternative text. I believe they have been suggesting the alternate text for a couple of years now. Lots of complaints with that book. I can’t remember what the other text is though.

[joenali]

Ok so not a couple of years! Lol! But I did did this:

[nicolewi]

Ha, funny, she hated "Stone Fox," and by pure chance, I have "Year of the Dog" in a bin for her b/c I thought it sounded good!

pugz , Yes, I saw something saying "The Mailbox" was recommended for grades 4 through 8. I would definitely, personally, feel it's completely not appropriate for 3rd grade. Or 4th. 5th (where DD is) is really borderline to me and I think depends a lot on the kid.  What I find odd about the book is that it is written for a 5th/6th/7th grade-ish audience, but has themes that are definitely way more adult, IMO. I really feel, personally, that the content is more appropriate for 7th grade, even if the writing is fine for 5th. It's a weird combo.

I think I'm going to talk to DD about it and see what she wants to do. I would love to see her be able to enjoy reading with her group without the books all having to be disturbing/heavy. They were doing "Wonder" as a read-aloud...I feel like that would be a GREAT book for her reading group to have done instead of this. We still struggle a ton with bedtime and getting to sleep and the last thing she needs is something else disturbing to turn over in her mind in the dark.

[fancynewbeesly]

So, I am a media specialist--and have access to other library sources---on them The Mailbox is listed as interest level: 3-6; Reading level 5.1; so in my eyes it would be fine for a 5th grader to read. I am trying to think what our 5th graders read---I know they read and watch The Diary of Anne Frank. They have a whole Holocaust unit in 5th grade for history. They also read Number the Stars.

[nicolewi]

Thanks, fancynewbeesly. I posted on the other thread that I am realizing that most people think the content is fine for 5th grade. I still disagree, personally, but I'm trying to go with it. We did the assignment and we're working through it.

I guess what we did in school (a LONG time ago) is so different from what happens now that it's hard for me to understand what's "normal." And, she's my oldest, so every time she goes through something it's the first time for our family.

[madringal]

I would just tell her up front all the terrible things in the book. Take away all the element of suspense that tend to make sad and scary th things sadder or scarier.

[loira]

Oct 20, 2019 21:12:06 GMT -5 madringal said:

I would just tell her up front all the terrible things in the book. Take away all the element of suspense that tend to make sad and scary th things sadder or scarier.

This is what I was going to suggest. Give her the plot points up front. Then she can read it without the shock which might heighten her feelings. If she knows what happens, it will also allow her to skim over the bits she's not keen on. I know that's probably not the point of a reading assignment, but IMO it's no different than skimming over a particularly boring but of prose.

[nicolewi]

I did that--I did tell her about the bad stuff.

[edwardo123]

I'm in my forties and remember reading books about the Holocaust, Are you there God?, and other heavier books in 4-6th grade. I also read a lot of RL Stine books and Sweet Valley High books my own that were totally inappropriate. I believe that you only comprehend what you are ready for. Rereading books from my childhood with my kids, I have different take always than I did as a child.

[imojoebunny]

My BFF is a 6th grade English teacher. She always offers at least 3+ books for kids to read for book reports and projects on the same topic. I would ask if there is another book your child could read that would be more appropriate for their level of maturity and level of empathy, which can be very asynchronous in development. My son had a book about slavery in 4th grade that he simply refused to read because it was too much for him. He was fine with a non-fiction account, but the fiction story was too graphic and disturbing to him, and he flat out would not read it, though he reads incessantly normally. It isn't so much special snowflake in my mind, as individual child appropriate. We don't all need to be "tough", the world needs sensitive people, and people who can ignore the terrible things to function.

[starburst604]

Oct 19, 2019 8:55:29 GMT -5 pugz said:

Wow. That is REALLY heavy for elementary school. The most serious stuff we read in elementary was The Boy Who Loved Clowns (that was read aloud to us) and I read The HIding Place in 6th grade because the other WW2 books they assigned were way below my reading level. It wasn't until 7th grade that we read more heavy stuff and even that was The Giving, A Day no Pigs Would Die, Summer of my German Soldier...all pretty tame still compared to the book you describe.

I think reading it with her is the best route her but also I'd want to find out more about what goes into choosing books in regards to the content and age appropriateness.

I'm still traumatized from reading that in 6th grade! When OP mentioned a heavy book, that one immediately sprang to mind.


I'm following this because even though DD is only 4 I think she will be just like OP's child. She cannot watch anything remotely upsetting or scary and she's highly empathetic.