I meet with a group of friends once a month. In the last 6 months or so a woman who is new to our area was invited to join us, she seems nice enough but lacks self awareness and no matter what the topic or who a question is directed to she answers/talks over/talks louder. It is so annoying. Most recently we had a friend in the hospital and when someone asked her how she was feeling the new woman talked over her to tell us about her daughters pain. When she took a breath, I looked at our friend who has been sick (basically turning my back physically to the new person) and asked her how she is feeling. Being subtle or not so subtle doesn't seem to be working. I know this will happen again and I'd like to be prepared on the best way to handle it. I'm not friends with the new person outside of this group and I know others are grumbling. Any advice?
Who is inviting her? Can you just stop letting her know the plans? I’m not very subtle, so I’d probably call her out in the moment bluntly. Not helpful, I know.
I agree if everyone is grumbling, stop inviting her. Other then that I don’t think there is anyway to be subtle about it. People like that don’t pick up on subtlety.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Oct 19, 2019 9:14:59 GMT -5
With bad conversationalists, I've found you cannot wait for them to glean clues. I'd say, "I was really hoping to hear the rest of Brenda's story," and turn towards Brenda. Or id ask Brenda to keep going and let two conversations form. I try and use a kind tone but I'm also not afraid to be seen as bitchy when I think it's warranted.
If she's new to the area, she might be very lonely or nervous to join an established group. Do you think she's dreadful or do you think she's not your cup of tea? You can always not invite her when you're organizing but the others might like her. My sister has the tendency to overtake a conversation in this way. I get frustrated but many people think she's sparkly and delightful.
I had a book club with a couple women I couldn't stand for different reasons. One never said anything kind or positive about anything and seemed to hate her family. Everyone else seemed to think she was great but she was BEC for me. Eventually the club fell apart and I think a few picked it back up later. I learned they were not my people.
ALso- you say a few women are grumbling. Look at it from the place of the group- NUMEROUS people are bothered by her, affected by her, annoyed by her, but it's "rude" to call HER out? One person, while numerous people are unhappy?
She's very rude and she's being rude to many. In calling her out - being direct isn't necessarily being rude! Tone plays a role in how this all goes down.
ANd really, even if you ultimately have to be REALLY blunt and direct, well..... if it makes her shut up and you all can enjoy a conversation w/o waiting for her to take over, is that really a bad thing??
Not everyone was taught to read social cues. So sometimes it has to be explained. I used to spend time with a young man who I would take aside every week and explain at least one thing he did not know. It did improve the situation.
I know someone like this. I have to physically hold up my hand like a stop sign and say, "Please let her finish." If this doesn't work, stop inviting this person.
When you’re asking someone a question and she starts to butt in, say “Oh! I’m sorry Actually, I was asking Brenda.”
Fixed that. No need to apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Well, agreed. But in situations where I feel uncomfortable speaking up, I find it becomes easier if I shift the focus to myself. Do it a few times and all but the densest overtalker can figure out exactly what I really mean but then I don’t feel like I’m being “rude” (whether or not I should actually feel bad—which in this case, of course not).
Ugh, there is a woman in my book club like this. People are invited via meetup dot com so we can't really keep her from coming, but she just talks over everyone and nobody can hardly get a word in edgewise. Calling her out would feel rude, but she's rude AF for thinking it's appropriate to share all her thoughts and not listen to anyone elses.
I am really bad at calling people out. In your circumstance I'd stop inviting her if it seems like nobody actually likes her. I also think calling her out is fair, but I know I'd personally really struggle with this.
I have book club tomorrow so I should re-read this thread before I go, lol.
Post by sapphireblue on Oct 20, 2019 7:40:43 GMT -5
I am like wildrice and while I think calling her out is totally fine, I probably couldn't do it.
I'd want more information on how she was invited into the group. Is she someone's cousin or new next-door neighbor? Certain relationships make it harder to not invite her going forward more than others.
If several people are grumbling I would probably talk to the original group and try to lobby for not continuing to invite her.
Post by fivechickens on Oct 20, 2019 8:00:38 GMT -5
So this is a group of people, there has to be someone in the group that is willing to talk to her. I wouldn’t stop inviting her. Give her a chance, she might be nervous and not realize she is doing it and just needs to be called out.
Who first met her/invited her? Their relationship to that person might impact how I respond. But in general I'm in favor of the blunt approach described here when nothing else seems to be working.
Post by jennistarr1 on Oct 20, 2019 21:30:53 GMT -5
Could she have a hearing problem?
I think you need to face a progressive plan Next time "hold on, we will get back to that, after Brenda" Then "Karen! You just cut Brenda off!" Then "Karen, it really bothers me when you cut others off, you do it a lot"
Gently calling her out *is* the most kind way to do it.
As a friend of mine says to her kids: "only someone who cares about you will help teach you manners. Everyone else will just judge you for lacking them."