3yo fear of the dark

[swiftlyirun]

Looking for some advice.

My 3.5yo has suddenly developed a fear of the dark. I want to be sure not to discount it, but it feels a lot like manipulation. The fear only arises at bed time, and if we talk through the fear of the dark, then she is afraid of hyenas or the rain, or something else.

We’ve put a nightlight in her room, gotten books on thunderstorms (Franklin and the thunderstorm seemed to help!) etc, but bedtime is an EPIC challenge every night. Her main objective it seems to to come sleep in our bed- something we’ve only allowed a few times when we’ve had really bad storms all night long (like, heck i was scared too!) or at minimum- have us sleep in her room. Last night she woke up at 2am and said she was scared and just sat up in her bed. I don’t know what’s going on
.
At the end of the day, I want to make sure she feels safe, and loved, but I need to her to sleep in her room.

Thoughts?

[tennisgal]

Commiserating with you as our 3.5yo has also recently started struggling at bedtime. The path of least resistance for us has been to leave the little lamp on in her room. We've been leaving it on all night, which I don't prefer to do, but when we tried to go in and shut it off when we went to bed, she woke up in the middle of the night crying and carrying on. Thankfully, she's been ok with this solution and it keeps us from having her in our bed or having us in her room on the floor. We have one of these as well, that helped (well before we were leaving the light on all night....)
www.amazon.com/Pillow-Pets-Dream-Lites-Turtle/dp/B009NIRREM/ref=sr_1_14?keywords=dream+lights+pillow+pet&qid=1571531708&sr=8-14

[estrellita]

E recently started this too at about 4.5. We eventually figured out his main issue was the video monitor because it had red lights on it for night vision. So we took that down and that helped. Other than that, he has 3 lights on his night stand that he can turn on (and they automatically turn off after a while). One is his ok to wake clock and the other 2 are Paw Patrol. I think it helps more than a night light because they're brighter, he has control over them, and they shut off so they're not on all night.

[nicolewi]

I was going to suggest the same thing--a light that they can turn on. One of my kids has a little owl light that she can turn on as needed.

Also, maybe rewards for staying in bed all night? Sticker chart or similar with larger reward (like cheap stuff) after getting a certain number of stickers?

[swiftlyirun]

Oct 19, 2019 19:42:08 GMT -5 estrellita said:

E recently started this too at about 4.5. We eventually figured out his main issue was the video monitor because it had red lights on it for night vision. So we took that down and that helped. Other than that, he has 3 lights on his night stand that he can turn on (and they automatically turn off after a while). One is his ok to wake clock and the other 2 are Paw Patrol. I think it helps more than a night light because they're brighter, he has control over them, and they shut off so they're not on all night.

This sounds like what we have. I got a super cute unicorn night light that has settings for brightness and an auto timer (bonus it has a remote so we can shut it off from outside her room too!)and we put that in her room in her nightstand as well as a smaller nightlight by her bed and her OK to wake clock.

Girlfriend is still not having it. Or maybe manipulating us?

[expectantsteelerfan]

Dd went through a phase of being scared. What worked for us was talking about it during the day...'we sleep in our rooms, there's nothing to be afraid of, if you're feeling afraid squeeze your lovey and turn on your seahorse,' resorting to creating 'monster spray' to spray before bedtime, and then being firm when she claims she's scared. If it's before we'd leave, we'd spray the monster spray, talk briefly about what she's scared of, and tell her it's time for bed and leave. If it was middle of the night, we'd check on her once and tell her it's bedtime and time to sleep. And if she continues, we'd tell her that we all need sleep and if she keeps us from getting sleep she'll get a consequence. Just being firm about that worked to stop it whenever she started after 2 days.

DS (who is TEN!) recently developed a random fear of throwing up. And he commonly gets upset stomachs at bedtime. So out of nowhere, he started getting up shortly after going to bed crying that he wasn't feeling well and wanted to sleep on the couch in the living room for some reason. We never let him sleep downstairs, but we did humor him about not feeling well, but again we had to be FIRM that he was not going to sleep on the couch no matter what, and eventually saying if he kept asking for that, he'd get a consequence.

[sillygoosegirl]

This was my kid for 2 years. She finally gradually (over months) worked her way to sleeping with just a nightlight this past summer at 4 and a half, in preparation for her cousin visiting and sleeping in her room. We kept reminding her that she had to sleep in the dark to have her cousin sleep in her room, which she very much wanted.

Honestly, letting her sleep with the light on wasn't really a big deal when we were at home. (Actually, it was super convenient when we decided to do night time potty training.) But it was a huge pain in the ass for travel, especially when we thought the 3 of us would sleep in the same room or tent.

[estrellita]

Oct 19, 2019 19:46:20 GMT -5 swiftlyirun said:

Oct 19, 2019 19:42:08 GMT -5 estrellita said:

E recently started this too at about 4.5. We eventually figured out his main issue was the video monitor because it had red lights on it for night vision. So we took that down and that helped. Other than that, he has 3 lights on his night stand that he can turn on (and they automatically turn off after a while). One is his ok to wake clock and the other 2 are Paw Patrol. I think it helps more than a night light because they're brighter, he has control over them, and they shut off so they're not on all night.

This sounds like what we have. I got a super cute unicorn night light that has settings for brightness and an auto timer (bonus it has a remote so we can shut it off from outside her room too!)and we put that in her room in her nightstand as well as a smaller nightlight by her bed and her OK to wake clock.

Girlfriend is still not having it. Or maybe manipulating us?

That sounds like a better light than we have!

I do think rewards or consequences could help. Every morning she stayed in her bed she can get a sticker, point, etc. Then after however many she can get a prize. Can be small like screen time or big like a toy she really wants. We did a points thing for E having poop accidents last summer and it really helped but it definitely depends on the kid!

[swiftlyirun]

Oct 19, 2019 20:04:08 GMT -5 estrellita said:

Oct 19, 2019 19:46:20 GMT -5 swiftlyirun said:

This sounds like what we have. I got a super cute unicorn night light that has settings for brightness and an auto timer (bonus it has a remote so we can shut it off from outside her room too!)and we put that in her room in her nightstand as well as a smaller nightlight by her bed and her OK to wake clock.

Girlfriend is still not having it. Or maybe manipulating us?

That sounds like a better light than we have!

I do think rewards or consequences could help. Every morning she stayed in her bed she can get a sticker, point, etc. Then after however many she can get a prize. Can be small like screen time or big like a toy she really wants. We did a points thing for E having poop accidents last summer and it really helped but it definitely depends on the kid!

Yes! I love this idea! We did something similar last year when getting out of her bed at naptime was the ordeal and it helped! I just need to think on phrasing. Like our issue isn’t as much her getting out of bed as it is that she just screams for use and cries 😭 which breaks my heart (and wakes her sister up).

We were considering having her and DD2 room share for when DS arrives, so maybe that can be a good incentive also (similar to PP mentioning cousin visit)

Also this light:
Unicorn Dreamer Pink Unicorn... www.amazon.com/dp/B07H16LLV5?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s amazing. Y’all, the remote works from our second floor and DD is on the third!

[mskitkat]

We are failing at this. My 3.5 y/o sleeps with her nightlight on the whole night. If she wakes up middle of the night without a light on, she will freak out screaming. Even with the nightlight, she will not stay in her bedroom all night. Invariably she wakes up at 3 AM and makes her way to our bedroom. I have no idea how to get out of any of this cycle.

[clseale]

We’re going through this at 2.5. I blame Halloween. She loves all of the spooky shit, but then she started freaking out at bedtime and talking about monsters under her bed. This actually led to her freaking out and realizing she could bust out if her crib, so we were forced to do the transition to toddler bed and it was about 2 wks of hell. LOL We are now at a point where a nightlight and leaving the door cracked keeps her in bed all night. (Before this, she would freak out if her room wasn’t totally dark and the door wasn’t shut, so she totally flipped on us overnight.) I usually turn the light off before bed, and she is ok the rest of the night.

[pooh8402]

We're going through this too. E1's main objective seems to be to have a parent share a bed with him.

[boiler717]

Is it bedtime stalling because of a nap that needs to be dropped or being overtired at bedtime? I would make sure you are getting the right amount of sleep and a good bedtime as dealing with an overtired or too rested kiddo at bedtime is a nightmare!
I would play in her room more at other times so feels familiar and safe. We talk a lot about how his room is a safe place for him. He has a special stuffed animal for when he’s scared. We tell him that we can always hear/see him if he needs help (and showed him on the monitor). When he went through a phase of wanting us to come check on him I gave him 2 connect four tokens and said we would come in if he needed us, but each time we came in we would take a token. In the morning he could exchange his tokens for something. We only had to do it a few nights the first time and maybe 1-2 times after that.

[loira]

We had this recently too. She's got 2 nightlights on now, and we do a reward system for staying in bed/asleep.

Also, she's now decided that she doesn't like the door closed. Luckily she's always slept well surrounded by lots of noise and commotion, so we just leave it open.

[grover]

We've recently gone through this as well, even though she's got her Hatch nightlight. We added a nightly choosing of a glow bracelet and attach it around the bedrail. She now no longer flips out at bedtime because of the dark.

[swiftlyirun]

Oct 20, 2019 10:27:59 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Is it bedtime stalling because of a nap that needs to be dropped or being overtired at bedtime? I would make sure you are getting the right amount of sleep and a good bedtime as dealing with an overtired or too rested kiddo at bedtime is a nightmare!
I would play in her room more at other times so feels familiar and safe. We talk a lot about how his room is a safe place for him. He has a special stuffed animal for when he’s scared. We tell him that we can always hear/see him if he needs help (and showed him on the monitor). When he went through a phase of wanting us to come check on him I gave him 2 connect four tokens and said we would come in if he needed us, but each time we came in we would take a token. In the morning he could exchange his tokens for something. We only had to do it a few nights the first time and maybe 1-2 times after that.

Good questions. She does still take a nap during the day, but seems to REALLY need it. She’s a terror by 2pm if she isn’t napping. She doesn’t seem overtired at the start of bedtime but after 2 or so hours of stalking, she’s a mess. We’ve tried to push bedtime back and she’s just Oscar the grouch in the morning if we do that.

I need try some incentives

[belovedbride07]

Coming in to commiserate. DD will be 4 in December and started this over labor day when the smoke detector malfunctioned right after we put them to bed one night. It's like it opened a floodgate of nighttime fears, and now she ends up in our bed every night (except for the six nights the sticker chart worked -- five to earn her first prize and then she earned one for the new chart and it's like she said, "nah, not worth it"). It's been so rough on me and DH -- it is taking forever for the kids to fall asleep now, and then they're in our bed first thing when we wake up in the morning. And they'll only nap if one of us lies in their room with them, so our "us" time is dwindling down to nothing and now we're back to being woken up multiple times a night.

They already have a Hatch Baby Rest that we use as an okay to wake light (red overnight and turns green in the morning) and we've added another night light across the room. We've also let the Twilight Turtles move in from the play room so they can have them in their beds and turn them back on if they wake up and need more light. I've also done some playing with them and their baby dolls around the idea of bedtime and waking up at night.

We've had a really hard year (they started preschool, lost a kitty and then lost a grandpa all within six months) and I know this is developmentally normal, so I'm trying to be patient and loving, but I'm so tired!