The Lasting Trauma of Infertility

[shauni27]

www.nytimes.com/2019/10/23/parenting/the-lasting-trauma-of-infertility.html?fbclid=IwAR1t70qMi2PhPYLWHMDcTFjHPn-A1__nPw0XYcKrWHzOnBP4gDw3mz5DsRM

This might be the most relatable article I have read in a long, long time. S is 2 and I no longer feel...worried or anxious. But I also still make it clear that I am only a parent after a long and intense struggle. I am not sure why--to maybe "tell" the person asking about it that they are not alone, if they are possibly struggling too? To validate my self and my child? I have no idea. 

Anyway, thought this was worth sharing with our group.

[katespade]

This is a really great article. Thank you for sharing.

Our families were always really respectful about the subject of kids before we had DD. I think that's why I've been so surprised by how often we get questions about if/when we're planning to give her a sibling. Apparently, everyone assumed that we were child free by choice, and now that they know we weren't they figure it's okay to nag us to have more ASAP.

I'm always torn on how to respond. Part of me wants to tell them to MYOB, but the other part of me feels that need to validate myself and my child and my potential future children. I mean, yes, we do hope to have at least one more, but I'm tired of feeling like I need to convince people that I've earned a break first... I just want some time to recover both emotionally and physically, and get back to being able to feel like my body belongs to me again before I jump back in and start the process over again.

[pinkpeony08]

Thanks for sharing.

People have stopped asking us if we are done now that my younger child has gotten older. Initially, I would answer "I'm not sure yet if we will have more," and it turned into "we would love another, but things aren't going as we hoped." That usually shut up some of the people who were just being nosy and got very sympathetic responses from people who have also struggled. I do feel traumatized by the last 2 and a half years.

[Mushe]

It’s really so true. I hate that things like a surprise baby announcement can still catch me so off guard. It’s hard to relax and just enjoy B.

[loira]

Thank you for sharing this. A is almost 4 and sometimes I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, to pay for that victory. My babies died. That was the sum of my experience as a mother until the baby who lived finally made her way into my arms. And that's had a huge impact on the way I parent. I just hope she doesn't become fearful herself because of that.

I don't think IF is just one trauma. It's a whole bunch of traumas, each one adding to the pain - the pain of being unable to conceive (or stay pregnant), the pain of the medical unknown, often the physical pain of procedures or miscarriage, the toll it takes on a relationship.

[shauni27]

loira, the way you worded that, to pay for your victory, is so spot on. And the point that it is a bunch of traumas, not just one. Really true.

Mushe, while I no longer get the sting of a surprise announcement, I do get bitter still that some people just keep getting pregnant. In the last 2 years, 2 of my coworkers have each had 2 children, for a total of 3 kids each. And while that is NOT AT ALL what I want, I cannot help but be bitter. "wow, that was so easy for you." And of COURSE I have no idea of their personal lives, but I still am like, angry that they have 3 kids and so many friends of mine are struggling for just one. Not logical, I know.

[pooh8402]

I just shared this to the main board and was coming here to Cross post, haha.

I'm still traumatized by our struggles. I've always been that person who wanted a large family and due to finances, age, and struggles conceiving, my family does not look how I pictured it. I've also always wanted a girl and I have 2 boys. I love my boys with all my heart but damn if there isn't a hole in it for that missing girl. So I still have a pang with pregnancy announcements, especially when the person already has a large family. A friend just had her 5th child, her 4th girl. She admitted publicly 7 months ago that this was an oops pregnancy (literally right after she sold all her baby stuff). That hurt.

ETA: it doesn't help that I am constantly getting questions about when we're going to try to have a girl. For so many reasons, we're probably done. But I want to try again for a girl so bad.

[loira]

Oct 24, 2019 7:02:00 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

loira, the way you worded that, to pay for your victory, is so spot on. And the point that it is a bunch of traumas, not just one. Really true.

Mushe, while I no longer get the sting of a surprise announcement, I do get bitter still that some people just keep getting pregnant. In the last 2 years, 2 of my coworkers have each had 2 children, for a total of 3 kids each. And while that is NOT AT ALL what I want, I cannot help but be bitter. "wow, that was so easy for you." And of COURSE I have no idea of their personal lives, but I still am like, angry that they have 3 kids and so many friends of mine are struggling for just one. Not logical, I know.

Lol, I should have put it in quotes because I took the paying for victory bit straight out of the article. So I can't claim credit for it. But yes, it's so spot on.

[thoseareradishes]

I don't have infertility trauma as much (well, I don't love talking about who E looks like, cause it's obviously not me so that stings a little) but more so mourn the loss of a normal pregnancy. I experienced less than two-thirds of pregnancy and I didn't even get to experience her birth since I had to be knocked out. I didn't see her for hours after birth and I have a lot of memory loss from her first day too. After she was born I missed her little kicks so much. I get irrationally annoyed with pregnant people who assume they will go 40 weeks and complain about not having enough time to get ready and complain about every ache and pain. But really I'm just jealous that I didn't get to do those things too.

[shauni27]

hugs to you, thoseareradishes. That is quite a trauma and makes sense that you would have so many emotions regarding it!

[boiler717]

There is so much trauma. I always tell people “having a baby is not a cure for infertility.” It is something that I still carry with me.

[vmars]

100% waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is hard to be as excited and carefree this time. I think what is the hardest for me to get over, is what a risk I will take in the future from having unprotected sex. My risk for having another miscarriage or having an unbalanced baby is so high. My only option (for me personally) is to do IVF if I want any more kids. We are having a second boy and it would be nice to have a girl, but I don’t think it’s financially feasible and I don’t even know the sex of my two frozen embryos.

[scm1011]

I've had it easy, as far as IF comes. While we tried for years and then went through almost a year of insurance hoop-jumping to get approved for IVF, we had success with our first fresh transfer (DS) and then our first FET (DD). With DD, I was anxious the entire pregnancy because it felt unfair and too good to be true. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had a lot of anxiety that I was going to have a stillborn because it all felt too easy.

[tiptoetulips]

Oct 25, 2019 13:24:21 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

There is so much trauma. I always tell people “having a baby is not a cure for infertility.” It is something that I still carry with me.

That is so well put.

[rachelgreen]

I love this article. It has never left me, even if I’m not an active poster over here on these boards anymore. It defined me for so long and changed who I was/am. It’s why I’m still so active with Resolve and am still the chairwoman of the Chicagoland Walk of Hope. I will always be infertility in my head.

After the stillbirth of dd3 this spring, the trauma of bleeding out and needing emergency surgery to remove the retained placenta, and finding out it was a rare early onset of cholestasis that took her from us, AND any subsequent pregnancy has me at much higher risk due to ICP and AMA, I’m beyond scared to be ttc again. Part of me wants to just skip right to using our embryos.

IF never stops being a mindfuck.

[loira]

rachelgreen, I had no idea. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[insominac]

1) I’m so sorry I didn’t know about that blog earlier, esp as a WOC

2) I totally relate to waiting for bad news. I have three blank pregnancy journals that people gave me because I was too scared to write anything in them.