Children's Friendships

[traveltheworld]

How close are your children with other kids in their class? DS, 7, seems to have friends, but doesn't seem to have consistent friends that he really connects with. He has been close to a few different kids throughout kindergarten and grade 1, we have play dates, and inevitably the friendships seem to fizzle out. I'm not sure if that's normal.

For content - DS is Bright but quirky. He seems to have normal interactions with other kids, but again, he never seems to be close with any of them.

This is all prompted by some epic crying tonight because I'm going on a business trip tomorrow and he's worried that he'd miss me too much. Given that I travel on a regular basis and this is the first time this has happened, I'm concerned that there's something bothering him at school that he's not telling us.

[ECB]

Ds is 10 and in 5th. He has 2 “best friends” and a couple other friends that he considers good friends. Then a crew of neighborhood friends.

My concern is that he’s sometimes soooo focused on his 2 best friends that i worry he won’t be open to new friends. They are all going to different middle schools and he won’t have that safety net next year.

[ilovelucyvv]

DD is at a very small school- only one class per grade. Yet her preferred friends are different in 1st than they were in K. She has made new friends in daycare and summer camp over the years. I don’t see it as a bad thing although inevitably with her school being so small her friends are likely going to stay consistent at some point.

[campermom]

Elementary school aged friendships, by nature, are not as intense as parents on these boards often want them to be.

[mommyatty]

I worry about this. DD is super smart but also old for her age. She has one best friend. A boy. Several other kind of friends. But no one very close and almost no girl friends. In volleyball she’s pretty excluded. It doesn’t seem to bother her too much.

DS is in kindergarten. He struggled at the beginning of the year, but now he seems to have boys he plays with. His teacher is keeping an eye on it.

[mae0111]

I worry about both of my kids’ friendships.

DD1 (10, 4th grade) struggles socially. We have kids over, and the kids seem happy to come, but no one reciprocates. She was hyper focused on her “BFF” last year, and she’s the one that caused all the problems this year. She was bullied at her old school, and seems to be a bit of a target. I’m meeting with her teachers tomorrow to talk about the social aspect of things for her.

DD2 (6, 1st grade) told me yesterday that she doesn’t “blend in” at school. Her teacher said she gets along fine, but it’s a very small grade (11 kids, 5 girls). She’s never had a play date with anyone at that school. She has one “bff”, and her mother “doesn’t allow” play dates. So I try to help her build relationships outside of school, but her big sister is pretty good at taking over her play dates and ruining them.

I’m finding this stuff really difficult to navigate...

[twinmomma]

My girls have one best friend that we've known since preschool/daycare. They now go to the same elementary school and do gymnastics together. XH and I also became good friends with the parents of BFF, so we are basically each other's "village" when needed. Swapping carpooling to activities, covering for each other, doing sleepovers. We joke that they're basically triplets at this point.

Between the two classes at school and the core group of families we connected with in daycare, my kids are very social and will kind of hang out with anyone. They're not shy at all. We've done a few play dates with other kids, but nothing as strong as with their BFF. I know they've got a group of kids they play with all the time at recess because I hear the names and we go to the birthday parties. I could make more of an effort to do outside of school play dates, but at this point, it's just easier to go with the flow and not deal with it.

And of course, they have each other. One of the reasons we keep them in separate classes is because they will naturally gravitate to each other and exclude other kids without even realizing it. They've got a built in best friend with each other, which is really magical to watch, but also means they don't have to go out and make strong bonds with friends at school. Why bother when your best friend is always right there?

[sdlaura]

DD (7) thinks everyone is her best friend, and DS1 (almost 6) doesn’t identify anyone as his good friend. But I think they have approximately the same number of friends. They both play with plenty of other kids at recess and aftercare, and see classmates around town and are excited to see them. They get invited to birthday parties.

But we don’t organize play dates at all or encourage friendships beyond when we happen to have our friends and their kids over. I figure they have plenty of time to see friends at school, aftercare, and on their soccer teams, in my opinion. I guess if one of them were complaining about not having friends, I might be concerned, but otherwise it’s not something I’m worried about.

I guess now that I think about it more - we’ve ended up putting DD in situations where she has a diverse group of kids she sees at different activities - the kids in the father/daughter camping are different from the kids on the soccer team, who are different than the kids at school/summer camps. So I guess I’ve subconsciously encouraged a wider group of friends rather than focusing on a couple kids we see more often.

[rere]

I think it was pretty well documented that I was worried about DD's friendships going into high school. She has made many, many friends, but refuses to have any of them over or make any plans. She seems content to hang out at school. She has several younger friends from her old school that she loves to hang out with. Oh well, I guess she is happy.

DS has friends a year older and a year younger. His BFF that is his age will graduate early, so DS will be bonding with his younger friends next year I guess. But again, he is happy, so all is well.

I guess I am used to the model I grew up with where I had a core group of friends that went into high school, lost a few and expanded, and then went on through even after graduation. Actually my BFF is my dental hygienist and will be cleaning my teeth today.

[librarychica]

rere, I had a similar experience (small town, tight knit social circle, one of my teachers had dated my dad, etc) though I’ve only really held on to one of those friends in adulthood. H, who grew up in a larger city and changed schools several times, thinks this is insanity, lol.

DD1, 7, is friendly with many kids in her class, girls and boys. We live in an area where people come and go frequently (her school has almost 30% turnover every year per a recent county meeting I went to) and while I balked at this idea it really seems to encourage friendliness among the kids. She’s generally kind of anxious and change-averse but has developed real confidence in her ability to make friends. They’re not deep friendships but, you know, she’s 7. Of the kids she sees regularly outside of school (kids of our friends) there are two she considers friends.

DD2 just turned 5. She has a new best friend every year and is happy and easy going. Unlike her sister though, she says boys are yucky and will not play with them. 🙄

So long as they seem generally content I don’t worry about friendships.

[covergirl82]

DD, 8, is my kid that tends to have a harder time making friends and having those friendships last. I'm sure it's partly her personality, and partly other girls just being more emotional and fickle about friendships. DD has a few friends at school - one girl she considers her best friend (although I don't see it lasting into middle school) and a few other girls she'll play with at recess from her class. She also has a few friends outside of school - one girl ("M") who is the sister of one of DS's travel baseball teammates. M and DD "click" and if they continue to be friends, I would see them being closer once they're in the same middle school. (The bummer is that M is a grade below DD, so even thought they'll go to the same middle and high schools, they'll still have a year separating them.) I will be more concerned if she doesn't have a more solid group in middle school.

DS, 10, has had the same best friend since Kindergarten and basically same group of friends since first grade. Overall, it seems like a good group of boys.

In the grand scheme of kid friendships, DH and I don't expect our kids to have lifelong friends from grade school. I haven't stayed close to any childhood friends. DH is still friends with 2 guys he was friends with as kids.

[supertrooper1]

DS (6) has one closer friend that he's been in K and 1st with, but we've never been able to arrange a playdate with his family. His K teacher said the family is "unique" and didn't elaborate, but told us that his family probably wouldn't respond to a playdate request. Other than the one friend, he seems to play with everyone at school and has been like that since he was little. Even in preschool, his teacher said that he played with everyone and said that was a great thing.

I'm not concerned that he doesn't have more close friends because whenever we go somewhere and run into kids he knows, they always seem excited to see him and call out his name. I think it's good that he's friends with lots of types of kids and not part of a clique.

[mrsGreeko]

13yo DD has a big group of friends. She’s one that needs a ton of friends. She hangs out with them relatively regularly on the weekends and FaceTimes/texts them a lot during the week.

10yo DD has a couple really close friends, but since there are 3, it’s a weird triangle dynamic. She needs more alone time so she prefers to spend her weekends at home not with friends, although she does hang out with friends sometimes when she wants to.

8yo DS has a few boys and a few girls that he’s really close to. One is practically like a brother or cousin. They hang out nearly every weekend, and if he’s not hanging out with that boy he’s hanging out with another boy. During the week he almost always is playing with the girl down the street in the evenings.

I think some kids need/crave more friend time than others and some prefer more alone time. Either is okay. I also think that these types of close friendships develop by parents allowing their kids to have other kids over or go over to other kids’ houses. For some reason there are some parents who just don’t facilitate that (as is their right to do so), and it most certainly affects the kids friendships. My 8yo needs to play with friends almost every day. They are either at our house or their house, and it’s fine with me either way. My girls have had some friends who were just impossible to ever hang out with. I’m not sure why but their parents didn’t want extra kids at their house and didn’t really want to take their kids to other people’s houses (control maybe? Or extreme anxiety or something?). My kids just call up friends in the weekends and invite them over to play, no like scheduled play date stuff needed, but there are tons of parents who want to schedule it 3 weeks in advance and whatever, you just got to find the more chill parents who will let their kid hang out spur of the moment.

[waverly]

We grew up super close to one family. I started having sleepovers at age 6. So it is weird to me that DS hasn't done any, and he is 9.

A few things I have learned since they started pre-school. Kids friends from class change every year. Once the classroom changes, they don't see their old friends anymore, and they will eventually make new friends. It takes time for a class to gel and have friends, and they are only 3 months in. They will have more friends in the second semester, and then it will start all over next year. I tried to continue to see DD's friends after the school year, and in every circumstance it fizzled out no matter what. So I know now that I can do playdates for that year, and maybe a few more months past maybe a year, but it will eventually fizzle if they don't see each other on a regular basis.

What I realized is the friends that they will stick with longer will be the neighborhood friends that they continue to see on a regular basis, and the friends perhaps from multi year activities like cub scouts and girl scouts.

Birth order is a factor. For example, the family we were super close to were both our neighbors and in scouts with us. Our sisters were friends, and that is why we hung out at such a young age. The oldest ones through probably didn't hang out until they were 9/10 age. Make sense?

Since I had some lukewarm responses to playdates, I stopped making a big effort, and have been focusing more on the neighbors and scouts type stuff.  DD did say she was having trouble in class with making friends type stuff, so I have been making an effort to go to class birthday parties (hence me losing my voice).  There are 2 one weekend when we also have Breakfast with Santa, work Christmas party and Mom's night out, so not sure how to handle that.  I wish socially things were more spread out, but we seem to have stuff all at once and then a weekend here and there of nothing which is also nice, but it all seems to bundle together sometimes. 

[twinmomma]

Nov 19, 2019 11:05:44 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I think some kids need/crave more friend time than others and some prefer more alone time. Either is okay. I also think that these types of close friendships develop by parents allowing their kids to have other kids over or go over to other kids’ houses. For some reason there are some parents who just don’t facilitate that (as is their right to do so), and it most certainly affects the kids friendships. My 8yo needs to play with friends almost every day. They are either at our house or their house, and it’s fine with me either way. My girls have had some friends who were just impossible to ever hang out with. I’m not sure why but their parents didn’t want extra kids at their house and didn’t really want to take their kids to other people’s houses (control maybe? Or extreme anxiety or something?). My kids just call up friends in the weekends and invite them over to play, no like scheduled play date stuff needed, but there are tons of parents who want to schedule it 3 weeks in advance and whatever, you just got to find the more chill parents who will let their kid hang out spur of the moment.

This is totally me and I don't mean for it to happen. I only have my kids 50% of the time. So when someone wants a spur of the moment play date, odds are good that my kids aren't even with me and XH isn't reliable about planning. Most parents from school only reach out to me to coordinate stuff. I'm constantly responding to group texts with "Can't, don't have the kids." As basically the only divorced family, I feel like people don't "get it." Plus it seems like lately my weekends when I do have the kids get booked with other activities in advance, because I know my time with them is limited so I make sure to put stuff on the calendar. 

[waverly]

covergirl82 , I like your point that you are not expecting life long friends. I had a really good group of HS girl friends, and I was super hurt when that faded. But I didn't realize that is how friendship is, and realistic expectations would have helped me out a lot.

I was close with one elementary friend for 20 years but we had a falling out. Another one for about the same amount of time, but he finally settled down with his girlfriend and stopped reaching out. Ironically, we went to High School with his girlfriend too.

College friends are hit or miss, still have a couple. Work friends in previous jobs have fizzled. I think it is easier to say this person was in your life at this time for a positive (hopefully) reason, but probably won't be in your life forever, and that's OK.


mrsGreeko , good point.  I am not good at scheduling with lesser known kids and parents in the class.  But we are starting to let the kids bounce back and forth between neighbor homes if we are still around.  That is why it works well with neighbors because you aren't coordinating anything.  DS is a little nutty, as evidenced by him concussing himself lol, so I have been a bit more cautious with him than I might with another kid that parents would love having over like I'm sure everyone wants DD over probably. So that is one reason why we hadn't been as much bouncing back and forth between houses at an earlier age. 

[k3am]

DD is almost 7, so roughly the same age. Starting kinder, she had 0 friends and school was miserable. A couple months in, she had 1 friend (Y) that she talked about all the time, and it was okay. Starting 1st, she suddenly stopped talking about Y, who come to find out has a new best friend, and suddenly DD is old news. I would not be surprised if DD did something to help spur the change along.

We've asked her teacher about it at conferences - DD seems to play a little bit with everyone, but not very closely with anyone and seems happy with the state of things.

I have done my best to stay out of it. A lot of it - like her relationship with Y - I think is largely me seeing the situation as an adult and with the framework of how some of my friendships panned out. I keep reminding myself that DD is not me, and if it's not bothering her, I don't want to bring it up and make her think there's something she should be bothered with.

[mrsGreeko]

Nov 19, 2019 11:27:06 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

Nov 19, 2019 11:05:44 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I think some kids need/crave more friend time than others and some prefer more alone time. Either is okay. I also think that these types of close friendships develop by parents allowing their kids to have other kids over or go over to other kids’ houses. For some reason there are some parents who just don’t facilitate that (as is their right to do so), and it most certainly affects the kids friendships. My 8yo needs to play with friends almost every day. They are either at our house or their house, and it’s fine with me either way. My girls have had some friends who were just impossible to ever hang out with. I’m not sure why but their parents didn’t want extra kids at their house and didn’t really want to take their kids to other people’s houses (control maybe? Or extreme anxiety or something?). My kids just call up friends in the weekends and invite them over to play, no like scheduled play date stuff needed, but there are tons of parents who want to schedule it 3 weeks in advance and whatever, you just got to find the more chill parents who will let their kid hang out spur of the moment.

This is totally me and I don't mean for it to happen. I only have my kids 50% of the time. So when someone wants a spur of the moment play date, odds are good that my kids aren't even with me and XH isn't reliable about planning. Most parents from school only reach out to me to coordinate stuff. I'm constantly responding to group texts with "Can't, don't have the kids." As basically the only divorced family, I feel like people don't "get it." Plus it seems like lately my weekends when I do have the kids get booked with other activities in advance, because I know my time with them is limited so I make sure to put stuff on the calendar. 

My middle girl’s 2 really good friends both have divorced parents. I have both parents contact info (and now each of those girls has their own phone) and I tried really really hard to keep the custody schedule straight so I was having her call the correct parent (and sometimes I get it wrong because they switched or something). I would talk to the close friends and tell them the schedule and make sure they have the dad’s number too.

[186momx]

DD (8, 3rd grade) has maybe two girls she hangs out at school in her grade. It is not consistent and tends to have lots of drama. She does nothing with these girls outside of school and has no desire to do anything. School has tried to push DD to make friends and have a BFF as this is their solution to her being bored and not wanting to go to school. I finally had to tell them to quit as it was causing DD more anxiety because she felt like she was broken. She is doing OBOB which is a reading group competition and she was recruited and is on a team with two 5th graders and a 4th grader and DD really enjoys hanging with those girls
Now she has tons of friends outside of school. The group of girls on her gymnastic team have worked their way to this point together and have been together for almost 4 years. They not only spend the 9+ hours a week together practicing but they make plans to hang on no school days and the whole playdate/sleepover part. The nice part of her friends at gym is that they all go to different school and have an age range of 7-11 but all get along together. Then we have a group of old daycare buddies who we still keep in touch with and hang out with once or twice a year.

I really try to stay out of the friendship building drama. I also don't have a ton of friends and don't see that as a short coming.

[mustardseed2007]

DS 7 is in 2nd grade, is turning 8 in December. Friendships are a bit of an issue b/c we are at a small school with only 1 first grade class and it's now 9 kids.
DS was best friends with a little girl who left the school, and now he's best friends with another little girl (who is also friends with the girl who left). He is not close at all with any of the boys in his class. At first I thought it was just him, but I'm coming to realize that all of the boys in the class are very high energy, rough housing types that egg each other on. Individually they aren't that bad but together they are a pack that is a behavioral issue.

He's friends with boys in other grades, and still very much cares about a boy that he used to be in school with and occasionally see.

DD is 5 and seems to get along with everyone in her class but no one is her best friend.

[callmekd]

DD1 (1st grade) is a social butterfly. her list of friends goes on and on. she's the kid who knows everyone. we are often the ones initiating play dates. I think a lot of families spend time doing family things on the weekends, so play dates aren't high on the list. she does get invited to birthday parties and she gets a lot of play time after school with her friends (while at their after school program).

[madringal]

DD1 (11) has had a very strong group of friends since K, but no true BFF. (She did have a friend she considered her BFF, but he passed away when they were in 1st grade). DD1 is quiet, not shy, but reserved. She is not overtly outgoing, but is a really loyal friend. Most of them all started off in the same girl scout troop and also lived in our neighborhood. They have just stayed really close. In 5th grade, they moved to the intermediate school and us moms kind of assumed that they would start to branch out a little, but their core group still together, and they have added a few new ones into the mix. DD1 has also got a really strong group of friends on her swim team (2 overlap with the school friends). Most of these swim friends go to other neighboring schools (charter school, private school) and eventually they will all go to high school together. For both groups, because the kids are so close, I have become really good friends with the moms.

DD2 (7) doesn't have anything close to this. DD2 is loud and out going, she is the life of the party, and is always out to have the BEST.DAY.EVER. She has a ride or die BFF (who lives directly across the street) and they have been besties since birth. I think because they have always had each other, they never really formed a group. She has lots of friends, but no other friends I would say she is really close with. I know their parents much more casually then I know the parents of DD1s group of friends. Even at swim and gymnastics, DD2 will be friends with anyone sitting next to her, but she isn't part of a group. All of DD1s friends have younger siblings that swim, but DD2 doesn't really hang out with any of them. It doesn't seem to bother her at all. Side note - the BFF across the street is moving and DD2 is not taking it well.

DD3 (3). Obviously still too young for real friends, but she does have a really great little group at our church. We had 7 baby girls born within 6 months of each other and our girls really all do love each other. It will be super fun to see them grow up together. I am very close to all their moms, but almost none of our kids will go to school together.

[notsopicky]

E is best-buddies with 5 or so boys that he's pretty much been in the same class with for the 4 years he's been at his ES (he's 8, in 3rd). There are 2 new boys in the class that he's connected with too, and they have quickly become part of their "pack" (I honestly think his teacher is a saint--they are all really close b/c they've been together for so long; I imagine they are clowning around at school a fair amount, lol). This group does "playdates", sleepovers, birthday parties, one particular online video game where they can talk to each other, etc. He also has a friend that is the son of our (mine and H's) friends, and it's the same scenario.

I am really proud of him for making all the friends that he has. I moved around every 2-3 years growing up and it was really hard for me to make friends.

[sandandsea]

Ds1 is almost 8 and in 2nd grade. He has about a 16 friends in his immediate friend group and is best friends with about 4. Friends are the only reason he doesn’t hate school. He’s a leader among his friends and thrives with play dates and social things. He does not play by himself and hasn’t since birth.

Ds2 is only 3 but I hear about one boy within minutes of pick up (the moon revolves around him) and about 3 other boys and 1 girl almost daily. He’s much more easy going and silly and seems to enjoy friends but can play alone as well.

We haven’t started play dates with DS2 yet but do them as much as possible with DS 1. He’s so much easier with a friend and he has some really good friends who are good kids and I want to nurture those relationships.