Helping a parent with depression

[Susie]

Over Thanksgiving I spent a week at my dad's helping him prep for and host the big family dinner.  It was the first time I was at his house since February.  Over the course of the week it became clear to me that he's suffering from depression.  The house was in much worse shape than I expected when I arrived, and there was far more work to be done.  He acknowledged that he really needed the help and couldn't have hosted on his own.  He phrased it that doing it together was fun, but that on his own it was on the list of things he lacked the "enthusiasm" for.  That is a growing list.

Cleaning started with a step of de-cluttering, which was at the level of... let's find a place to put mom's purse away.  It was hanging off the back of her desk chair, complete with her wallet, chapstick, and tissues in it, like she might come in the door any day and need it to run to the store.  In April she will have been gone for 4 years.  I've cleaned out certain parts of the house (a lot of her clothes, the medicine cabinet this past week) but everything else looks exactly as she left it when she went into the hospital the final time.  In spring 2016.

It's not a huge surprise that he would be suffering from depression.  His wife died shortly after he retired.  His two kids live 3-4+ hours away, and while he sees us a lot, we don't live nearby.  One of his friends from a hobby also died recently.  Another friend from work moved out of state.  His dad died on Christmas Eve last year, although they were rather estranged.  He's not close with his brother.  He has struggled to maintain local friendships in retirement.  This is the first time in his life he's ever lived alone (apart from a few months during a masters degree when he decided he hated it and found a roommate), and he's lonely. 

He has always been pretty stoic, and AFAIK has never sought or considered treatment for, or even really discussed mental health.  He tells me when he sees his doctors and how the appointments go (he is a 15 year cancer survivor and still goes for quarterly checks so it's always a question), but has never related one bringing up mental health.  He's probably pretty typical boomer man in his reticence to address it.  He mentioned the "lack of enthusiasm" to me more than once last week though, and I don't want to miss an opportunity to try to help.

Has anyone had success getting help for a similarly situated parent, or have any suggestions of where to begin?

[lilac05]

I haven’t, and I’m sorry that your dad is going through it. It seems that he has identified a problem, and mentioning it may be his way of reaching out for help. “Lack of enthusiasm” is not usually the terminology that someone that age would usually use, but is everywhere in depression articles.

[imojoebunny]

I am sorry he is having a hard time. My FIL was really depressed when MIL died, since he didn't just lose her, but a large portion of his social life. Two things that helped him were a bereavement group he joined for widows and widowers, that he still goes to 12 years later, and spending time regularly with friends, like a standing golf game on X morning, and a monthly dinner with his neighbors. He is not a very social or outgoing person, so having the standing dates, rather than making one off plans, is key to keeping his connections to others. Your FIL could sub in volunteering, a class for seniors, or some other group he would enjoy, or at least put him in contact with others in a similar position. There is even a park near us that has a regular ranger led walks for seniors that an older friend enjoys going to.

FIL is not the sort I could see going for therapy or medication, regardless of what he was feeling, so I am very grateful my MIL's previous caregivers guided him to the bereavement group, and they had a facilitator who encouraged him in other pursuits. In my town, but not my FIL, there are several FB groups that have regular activities and meet ups for seniors who want to get out, but don't want to do things alone. Some of my friend's parents have enjoyed those groups, and met others through them, so maybe that is an option. He may, also, consider moving to a senior living community, if he doesn't have strong ties to the area. Since everyone is moving there, it tends to be easier to make friends, and people in many are more inclined to look out for one another. FIL (now 86) has lived in a 55+ community for ~25 years, and it really makes a difference in his ability to have social interaction, over my parents, who live in a regular neighborhood, especially as my parent's friends have passed or moved other places. Fortunately, my parents live next door to my mom's very popular sister, or I don't think they would have any friends.

[pinkpeony08]

I'm sorry. I can imagine it's hard for everyone. I would ask him how you can best help him. I would guess it is a combination of depression and just sad and overwhelmed with cleaning out her things. I would guess he would be pretty reluctant to go discuss it with his doctor or seek out formal therapy, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to offer if he thinks it might help.

Does he want to stay in the same home? Does he want to hire someone to go through things with him? I know there are services that will help with that.

I agree that being in a 55+ facility or at least somewhere where there are more older people who live there and are active may help him to meet people. Are there other things he likes doing that he could volunteer and meet people/be active? Habitat for Humanity? Faith organization? Drive Meals on Wheels?

[Susie]

For the moment, I'm pretty sure he wants to stay in his (year round) house.  He actually owns two, his primary house that he lived in with my mom since 1986, and a vacation house about an hour away that he bought about a year after she died.  That's why it had been so long since I visited the primary house; firstly I didn't travel much this summer (DS was born in June), and secondly, when I have visited, it's been to the beach.  He and my mom had been shopping real estate in that area for DECADES and he finally did it.  Being in the beach house is easier because there aren't any ghosts there.

He doesn't want to pick up and move to the beach completely because his hobbies include woodworking, orchid growing, and model trains.  His current house has a wood shop and a large model train layout, and those can't move to the beach because of humidity and lack of space.  He knows someday he'll likely need to move close to (or in with) my brother or I, but that time isn't yet.

He says he finds it hard (duh) to make changes, but that he feels better afterward.  Last week he mentioned he'd been thinking of moving his (was her) desk to a different room so I jumped on it and got H and my brother to make it happen.  That's generally my MO, to try to help execute changes for him.  But I have a 4 yo and a 6 mo old, and ... it's hard.  I can't do it all, and I can't take responsibility for pulling him out of or through this.  My brother isn't helping, he's so out of the loop that this weekend he told me how much he was dreading going through all mom's stuff in their bedroom.  Dude, I did that whole project with dad like 1 or 2 Thanksgivings ago.

I also wish he'd get on some kind of social media, because he could see kid updates, get in touch with friends, and all that, but he is adamant about no facebook.  Sigh.

[imojoebunny]

He has some great hobbies for connecting with others. We have this place near us that has woodworking classes people come from all over to take. www.highlandwoodworking.com/january-classes.aspx And the Orchid people, they have events everywhere, but he has to be willing to go. www.aos.org/news-events/event-calendar.aspx I won't even link to the train people because they are prolific, specialized, and also, everywhere.

I am really good at helping olders clean out stuff, thanks to having lots of grandparents who lived to be very old, and a general love of tidy, except when it comes to my own parents. I have no issue helping my elderly neighbor, 2 doors down, but forget about helping my own parents. They view me as the kid, at 47, and won't take a bit of my advice. You can only do what you can do. Your dad might be clinically depressed, but it sounds more like he is lacking connections for the day to day of life, rather than his mind is not working properly. You can only make suggestions, and if it gets very bad, call his doctors and tell them what you are observing. They can't tell you about him, but you can tell them, about him. My FIL still keeps the same decorative soaps and hand towels in the baths at his house that my MIL put there. They are 13 years old, at least, probably more like 20. He still has the same faded and falling apart, fake plants because she liked them... I feel your pain. I am very grateful that FIL has his community because we could not do it day to day. I try to be extra nice to the older people who live close by me because others take on my parents and FIL day to day.

[hbomdiggity]

I’m so sorry. My dad has definitely experienced what is likely cancer and retirement induced depression. I think he had these ideas of how retirement would be, but then retirement was forced by the cancer treatments and the cancer treatments reduced his ability to enjoy retirement. He has used the “lack of enthusiasm” phase and said he has no umph.

Despite being a 5 year (lung!) cancer survivor, he doesn’t do anything, rarely leaves the house, and his health is severely suffering. Unfortunately I think his social network was very much tied to his work and it was hard to lose that. Everyone assumed he’d be happy to retire and spend his time farming (his hobby) but that isn’t really a solo activity and my brother is too busy to play with him. My mom is around, but as a SAHM she long adjusted to having social network that doesn’t include him.

No real advice, just commiseration.

[ssmjlm]

I would recommend a bereavement group and maybe finding a hobby group to try out. My mom is very depressed from my sister's passing and the bereavement group has helped somewhat. Her case is different, but that was the first step she took. One thing to remind him, they're all different and he may not "click" right away. My mom had to try a few before finding one.

[egishere]

I just wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry. I'm going thru the same with my Dad after my Mom died. He's been better lately but now with the holidays I think he's getting sad again. He does try to stay active - pickleball group, walks his dog a lot but I know he's really lonely. We just live down the street from him now but our schedules are so busy with kid activities we only see him 1-2 times a week.

I know you said your Dad doesn't want to move but it would be nice if you could talk him into moving closer to you or your sibling eventually.

[Susie]

Dec 5, 2019 11:25:26 GMT -5 egishere said:

I know you said your Dad doesn't want to move but it would be nice if you could talk him into moving closer to you or your sibling eventually.

I agree.

My brother and dad and I have all had conversations about the future, and we all agree that while we're all sentimental about the year round "family" house, my brother and I will someday need to sell it.  It's in a different state from where either of us lives, neither of us really has a path or a plan to move there, and while it's a great house, it's not a vacation destination either.  So it's really just a question of whether my dad sells it sooner, or brother and I sell it later.  

One of the challenges of moving dad toward one of us though is that it would bring him 4-5 hours from his vacation house instead of <1 hour.  That makes it harder to enjoy it.  We all know it'll be necessary some day, but nobody wants to rush that part.

I think he's also really torn on which of us to live near.  My brother and his wife are both RNs, so they make a lot of sense for an older adult.  Who better to care for you than an ICU nurse?!  But I have his only two grand kids, and I'm the kid who takes after him, thinks like him, approaches problems more like him, etc.  And frankly with kids we need help that he can give more, so it would be a little more symbiotic.  I think he's hoping the right decision will crystallize a little before the time comes.

[minzy]

I feel for your dad. Therapy or a bereavement group is probably an excellent idea, maybe you go with him to one to start. I’m trying to think how my dad coped. (My mom died, his dad died six months later, and six months after that my twin and I both left for college.) My sister and I checked in on him a lot like it sounds like you’re doing, and went home probably more than we would have otherwise. He kept somewhat active with a group of friends and eventually did a tiny bit of dating before pairing up with my stepmother. On the not so good side, he also smoked cigars for a time, gained weight, and still drinks too much.

What about planning for a chunk of time (a week or so?) for him to stay with you and your brother, maybe in the new year? That would give him something to look forward to, and also bring in the concept of fluidity of where he’s living. Two of my aunts pingponged my grandmother back and forth for years, and I think(?) she liked it that way. That way maybe someday moving in with you or your brother doesn’t have to be like a BIG DEAL, it’s just, hanging out with Susie for a week to start. Maybe this next batch of time is somewhat transitory, or even more so than before, and that’s ok.

And I second the volunteering with Meals on Wheels idea if he’d have any interest in that whatsoever. They always need the help and it has been one of the most rewarding and meaningful things I’ve been able to do with my time since I left the workforce. In our area at least, the average volunteer is 70 years old.

[Susie]

Dec 6, 2019 10:10:15 GMT -5 minzy said:

What about planning for a chunk of time (a week or so?) for him to stay with you and your brother, maybe in the new year? That would give him something to look forward to, and also bring in the concept of fluidity of where he’s living. Two of my aunts pingponged my grandmother back and forth for years, and I think(?) she liked it that way. That way maybe someday moving in with you or your brother doesn’t have to be like a BIG DEAL, it’s just, hanging out with Susie for a week to start. Maybe this next batch of time is somewhat transitory, or even more so than before, and that’s ok.

We do this quite a bit actually.  My brother and I each see him once a month on average.  When he comes to our house, he usually comes up on a Thursday or Friday and stays til Monday or Tuesday, so he can do the 4-5 hour drive in daylight and off-peak traffic.  He often does the same at my brother's.  I often come up with things I need help with, to keep him here longer.  They genuinely are helpful, like last year when I was pg, I would sometimes schedule ultrasounds for 7:30am so Calvin could come see the baby before work, and my dad would cover getting DD ready for preschool at the same time.  He stayed with us for a week when DS was born, providing "in case of labor" childcare for DD, and he watched her while I was in the hospital and brought her to visit me.  He was really excited to be a part of all that, because despite not being a "baby" person, he felt like he missed out when DD was born.  At the time, caring for my mom was a full time occupation, and they missed most of it physically and even more emotionally.

He has a dedicated bedroom at both of our houses.  When we were putting together DS' nursery, we gave up our office (my desk is in the living room now) rather than give up my dad having a bedroom.  I think he noticed and appreciated that.

Volunteering is a cool idea.  One thing that probably needs resolution first is a knee problem.  He had an appointment with an orthopedist yesterday I think, I need to call and find out how it went.  The knee has dramatically limited his mobility in recent months, and his weight is going up.  I hope it's something we can fix, because being able to walk his dogs pain free, and get out of the house more would be a big quality of life improvement.