New a year check in

[joenali]

How is everyone? How is your ttc journey going?

We are doing well. I have an email out to an embryo donation agency requesting more information via phone call. They are located in Denver so unfortunately we can’t meet in person. I think egg donation is off the table because of costs. I also have an email out to my gyn requesting info on hysterectomy and making sure we’ve done all testing needed to really confirm my diagnosis of adenomyosis. I checked the amount of sick leave have available in case we go the hysterectomy route. I have more than enough. Hopefully we’ll have some sort of decision made in the next couple of weeks. I’ve also stopped lupron injections. I did not like his it made me feel at all. My mother also reminded me of my age. Thanks mom!!

[pinkpeony08]

I'm doing ok. My RI clinic finally got all my labs under good control, but now I haven't been able to get pregnant. Previously staying pregnant was the issue. I repeated my hysterosonogram last month - all clear. Last month on ultrasound there were two follicles. Between the hysterosonogram wash out, which I've read increases likelihood of pregnancy and the two follicles and still not getting pregnant, a negative test was really discouraging. I had my CD3 blood work yesterday, and I am going back to the RE next week. I got my FSH back and it way down since checking 18 months ago, still waiting on my AMH.

I'm on all these immune meds that I don't want to be on indefinitely. I've been feeling pretty discouraged that it isn't going to happen. I guess I'm just unsure if we want to give up and be done or keep trying for awhile longer. I go back and forth.

[pinkpeony08]

joenali - sending good thoughts as you try to make a decision about what's next. I know the only real way to confirm endometriosis is laparoscopy. Is it the same for adenomyosis?

[moonriver]

I’m also in the “what do we do next” crowd. We met with the RE last week to discuss IVF. Initially, my H didn’t want to do IVF at all (this was roughly two years ago) but now it’s basically just figuring out *when* to do it, it seems. We want to buy a house in the next 2 years, so we are trying to decide if we should settle in a new house first or go forward with IVF first. I’m worried that if we do IVF first, and it doesn’t work, that we will dip into our house fund with subsequent cycles/transfers. Whereas, if we buy the house first, we can only do as many rounds as we can truly afford.

[joenali]

Jan 5, 2020 15:01:42 GMT -5 pinkpeony08 said:

joenali - sending good thoughts as you try to make a decision about what's next. I know the only real way to confirm endometriosis is laparoscopy. Is it the same for adenomyosis?

Definitively it’s a hysterectomy. But my RE said he could see it on the ultrasound. You can also have an mri done to confirm. So I’ll be asking about that as well. Since the endometrial tissue is growing inside the muscle wall of the uterus it can’t be seen using or removed by laparoscopic surgery.

[achi]

I’m struggling. I thought I had made my mind up that we’re done but I am having a really tough time accepting it. I’m in Canada so I’d be gone from work for a year if I managed to have a successful pregnancy. I freaking love my job and I don’t know that I would want to leave it in the hands of someone else for that long. I keep going back and forth.

We were supposed to get our DNA karyotyping results in December, but they weren’t in yet so now the appointment is later this month, but I have to call and make sure the results are in a couple days before.

@@ - infant loss mentioned below

I was talking to SM the other evening who told me
about her niece having a baby on New Years. She lost an infant last year and my SM doesn’t get why her niece would refer to herself as a mom of 2. She said, and I quote “I’ve never been through it before, but maybe it’s just gods way.” To which I of course
told her to never say that to anyone who’s lost a child or pregnancy ever again because it’s incredibly hurtful. She told me that she’s never said it to someone who’s gone through loss and I was like “DID YOU FORGET THAT I LOST 3 PREGNANCIES LAST YEAR?!” After about 2 more minutes of her stupidity I told her I needed to end the conversation before I said something I couldn’t take back.

[seeyalater52]

joenali, I hope you get some good info about donor embryos! It's so unnecessary for your mom to mention your age. Especially with donor you are nowhere near the cutoff to be successful with that sort of treatment. Also wishing you peace as you navigate the next steps with regard to your uterine issues.

pinkpeony08, I'm sorry you're experiencing this new hurdle in your plans. Hopefully your body gets its act together soon.

moonriver, I hear you on trying to figure out which to choose first. It's hard to prioritize two important things and with IVF it is easy to get in financially over your head.

achi, I can't believe your SM said that to you. I mean, I can, because people suck. But it's so cringeworthy. I'm glad you maintained your boundaries there, you reeeeally do not need to deal with that.


As for me, I haven't been around much. Everything is really damn hard and I feel like I'm just starting to really crawl out of the fog of my last loss in June/July. In Nov. we did another IVF retrieval and of 8 blastocysts we have 3 normal and one no-result. Not a great euploidy rate for my age, and I did a lot re: clean eating, low carb/high protein, exercise/getting to healthy BMI, supplements this time so perhaps chromosomal issues were more of a factor with our previous transfer than I'd thought. At the same time, there isn't any reason to believe that ALL 7 of the embryos from last cycle were abnormal given that we had a similar number this time and had multiple normals.

As of right now I'm planning a transfer with my upcoming cycle, so end of January or early February. Unfortunately it looks like we will find out results right around the time of our daughter's due date (last loss) ... which is giving me all the feels.

We also decided to discard two embryos from this last cycle that were mosaic for issues (trisomy 16 and partial deletion on chromosome 1) that can result in mosaic live birth with significant developmental and/or intellectual impairments. After talking to the genetic counselor we realized it was a lot more complicated than just assuming the embryos would either miscarry or self-correct, and the possibility of a mosaic live birth wasn't something we were open to with these chromosomal issues. It's still a kick in the gut to discard them, though, I haven't gotten around to telling the clinic to do it yet but I need to do that this week.

[moonriver]

seeyalater52 hugs. I think about you often and always hope you’re doing okay. Happy to hear you’ve got a plan and sending you ALL the positive vibes.

[seeyalater52]

Jan 5, 2020 19:55:11 GMT -5 moonriver said:

seeyalater52 hugs. I think about you often and always hope you’re doing okay. Happy to hear you’ve got a plan and sending you ALL the positive vibes.

Thank you. <3 I'm around. I mostly just don't know how to feel about these next steps and whether I should have any hope or if we should just be resigned to having this never work out. It could go either way. I hate how ambivalent I am about the whole thing but it feels safer. 

Truly all of this stuff is such an incredible mindfuck. 

[vmars]

seeyalater52, I have been thinking about you and glad to see such a positive update. 3 normal embryos is wonderful. I had 3 normal all of B and C quality at 33 years old. I am hopeful that this next transfer brings you your rainbow.

[pinkpeony08]

seeyalater52 I've been thinking about you as well and hoping things were going ok for you. I hope this transfer is it for you. I know exactly what you mean. When I have had negative tests I feel both relieved that I don't have to enter that PGAL world and disappointed that I am not getting a chance at my rainbow. The last pregnancy I tried to protect myself and didn't let myself think about the pregnancy almost at all. It didn't work; I was still absolutely devastated. It's ok to hope this is it!

moonriver - I hope you can come to a conclusion on the first step that you feel at peace with.

achi I can't believe the things some people say! I would have had to walk away.
@@@ mention of niece
my sister in law had a baby a month ago. My MIL repeatedly held the baby up on FaceTime and said over and over again "look at her, look isn't she so cute?" I mean, yes, she's beautiful. And yes, I'm happy for my SIL but do you really need to repeatedly show me and tell me when it's already hard enough? I also am pretty sure my in laws think because "that our losses was last year or the years before so we don't think about it anymore." Thankfully my SIL gets it, but ugh.

[seeyalater52]

Thanks so much, pinkpeony08. It is so sad how the experience can be so tarnished by the incredible amount of loss and devastation in past pregnancies. And when it always ends the same way... well, it's a little hard to be hopeful. But on we go, for lack of better options we can pursue in the immediate future. I will likely only transfer two of these to me before it's my wife's turn to give it a go but we will see how I feel.

vmars - I think I would feel more hopeful if I hadn't already blown through 7 embryos without any success. It's true that others also get low numbers of normal embryos, but I'm not dealing with a known issue like a translocation or clotting factors - my losses are unexplained and there isn't any known reason why I should get a low % of normals. My egg quality by all accounts looks good, our embryos (including the aneuploid ones) are all As and Bs. I wish I felt more hopeful about the end result but I'm just so tired that none of this feels very positive.

[ilovecandy]

So we decided to do Depot lupron for 2 months then start the next fet cycle with lupron. Next transfer is tentivly scheduled for early March. Honestly I have just been focusing on getting through the holidays as that was (tw loss) when we were going to announce to our families.

Currently trying to work on getting my weight back down as I gained several pounds that I didn't need as I am already overweight during the loss and holiday time period because I just couldn't care about food and making better choices in regards to it

[vmars]

seeyalater52, You are a very strong person to go through this process with no answers. I am rooting for you. 

[msmerymac]

It seems like everyone is in a delicate place right now. Please take care of yourselves!

I thought 2019 would bring a lot of clarity to what our next steps should be. I'm done with egg retrievals, I know that. I figured we'd determine if we need to move on to egg donor, gestational carrier, or adoption by the end of the year, but we're still... here. Still transferring. We talked about it on New Year's Day, and we're planning 2-3 more transfers, max. I have 6 normal embryos (one from my last clinic) and 1 non-concurrent embryo (from my last clinic) left. After 2-3 more transfers I don't want to keep doing the same thing with the same result, so at that point, we'll have enough normal embryos left to move on to a gestational carrier. Funding will be the biggest issue, so we'll probably have to set that plan and then wait a few years until we can make it happen.


I'm doing an FET this month. Annoyingly, my clinic didn't tell me I needed all new blood work and consents, even though they've known I've been planning this cycle since like September, so I need to do that this week.

Despite 3 early losses, my doctor is hopeful about the immune protocol. The only thing I've done so far for it is the intralipid infusion. I did my first one on Saturday, which involved a nurse coming to my house, placing an IV (on the third attempt...) and leaving it in for 3 hours. Then H and I had to flush it and take it out. It was nowhere near as bad as it seems, and these infusions are less than $200, which my wallet appreciates.

I go back for monitoring next Monday, and my tentative transfer date is 1/21. I'll start neupogen and lovenox in addition to estrace, medrol, PIO, and crinone. Fun times.

[joenali]

Jan 6, 2020 7:52:44 GMT -5 ilovecandy said:

So we decided to do Depot lupron for 2 months then start the next fet cycle with lupron. Next transfer is tentivly scheduled for early March. Honestly I have just been focusing on getting through the holidays as that was (tw loss) when we were going to announce to our families.

Currently trying to work on getting my weight back down as I gained several pounds that I didn't need as I am already overweight during the loss and holiday time period because I just couldn't care about food and making better choices in regards to it

I had to stop the depot lupron. I felt so yucky on it. Hot flashes, night sweats. And my body was just sore. I hope it’s better for you.

[ilovecandy]

Jan 6, 2020 20:50:22 GMT -5 joenali said:

Jan 6, 2020 7:52:44 GMT -5 ilovecandy said:

So we decided to do Depot lupron for 2 months then start the next fet cycle with lupron. Next transfer is tentivly scheduled for early March. Honestly I have just been focusing on getting through the holidays as that was (tw loss) when we were going to announce to our families.

Currently trying to work on getting my weight back down as I gained several pounds that I didn't need as I am already overweight during the loss and holiday time period because I just couldn't care about food and making better choices in regards to it

I had to stop the depot lupron. I felt so yucky on it. Hot flashes, night sweats. And my body was just sore. I hope it’s better for you.

I have been having hot flashes and night sweats for some reason my brain didn't even attribute it to this.

[doggielover]

I am in the process of priming for an egg retrieval. My last transfers from first egg retrieval have all failed so we are back to the beginning now. This is the last round we're doing and if this fails as well we will look into adoption.

[msmerymac]

I'm transferring on Tuesday. Because of my ERA results, they shifted all my meds back 12 hours, so I started crinone last night and I have to give myself PIO shots at work in the morning! Super fun.

[joenali]

I just finally heard back to the embryo donation agency and we are going to set up a meeting the woman who runs it. I still don’t know where I stand. I keep telling myself I’m gathering information and then we’ll make a decision. I have an appointment to talk with my gyn about hysterectomy as well.

[seeyalater52]

Good luck today, msmerymac. Thinking of you. <3

[msmerymac]

Jan 21, 2020 14:44:11 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

Good luck today, msmerymac . Thinking of you. <3

Thank you! Just got back, so fingers crossed. <3

I'm starting my neupogen and lovenox shots tonight. 

[moonriver]

Jan 21, 2020 14:47:50 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Jan 21, 2020 14:44:11 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

Good luck today, msmerymac . Thinking of you. <3

Thank you! Just got back, so fingers crossed. <3

I'm starting my neupogen and lovenox shots tonight. 

Good luck!!

[joenali]

Good luck msmerymac

[achi]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. SM is so dense sometimes. Thankfully she has not said anything else stupid lately.

H dropped a bomb on me yesterday. After the last year of me being the primary one who wanted to TTC, the tables have turned and now he is wanting to keep trying and I'm not sure I'm prepared for more heartbreak. Our karyotyping results STILL aren't in (appointment is now rescheduled until early March) and I told him I wasn't willing to make any decisions until we have the results but I will think about it some more. Ugh, talk about an emotional roller coaster.

msmerymac I hope everything went smoothly with the transfer today. FX for you!!

seeyalater52 I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope that's not creepy. Sending much love.

joenali good luck at the meeting. I hope you can get some answers to help you figure out what you're most comfortable with

@@ Coworker pregnancy mentioned below.

We have 2 people at work who's wives/partners are pregnant. One of the pregnant partners is also a coworker but she's so incredibly sick that she's out on leave until mat leave starts. As much as I feel terrible for her, I'm also glad I don't have to see her every day right now. She told me about her pregnancy right after I started (I'm in HR and I had to make some modifications to her job since it's quite physical) and that didn't phase me but I'm pretty sure seeing her every day at this point would get to me. The other guy who's wife is expecting just found out that the baby likely has a clubbed foot and has an underdeveloped urethra which could cause kidney issues if it doesn't resolve but basically 99% of his interactions with me have been about the baby for the last couple weeks and I'm ready for the subject to shift. My boss knows about my losses, but no one else does and I don't care to open up about it so I don't feel like I can be like "dude, I'm sorry that you're so stressed but can you STFU already?"

[ilovecandy]

Achi- we were at the point a couple years ago. H really wanted to continue and I just wasn't ready. We ended up taking around a 2.5 year break then I was ready for another round of IVF.

Msmery keeping my fingers crossed for you

Joenali hope you get all your questions answered

Next fet is schedule and I start my baseline mid month February. Until then just chilling. Getting back into my workout routine (started up again after my loss in December).

We just found out that H is slated to go to Ft Bragg. It isn't 100 percent set in stone yet but we think it has a high chance of happening. I am pretty excited because we lived in SC a while ago and I loved how Central it was to quick weekend trips to lots of different places and this will be the same.

[msmerymac]

achi, work stuff is so hard. A coworker's wife had a baby almost 2 years ago, right around what would have been my due date for my first loss. Since we're a small office, it would have been really weird for me to not be at the shower my office was throwing for them. Thankfully, it got postponed to a day I was taking off already for a long weekend trip! I might have faked sick and worked from home otherwise. Also, a coworker at my former job who sat at the desk next to me had a baby a year or so ago - not sure I could have handled seeing her every day either. :/ I admire your strength to do HR and have to deal directly with mat leave issues and such.

On another note, my doc said my thyroid function is slightly high, so he prescribed a medication and I have to go in to check my TSH and free T4 in a month. We'll see what happens. At least it's not low, since I know people who have had to do synthroid and increase it ASAP when they get pregnant, but I'm not looking forward to having an even SLOWER metabolism, lol.