I'm getting so anxious waiting for bathroom quotes. It's been 2 weeks for one place...c'mon! I hate the 'hurry up and wait' that comes with home projects.
Sometimes I hate being a boss. I hate having to be the bad buy - just communicate with me. If you need to leave early or work from home or whatever just tell me. Don't come late and leave early and think people won't notice.
LOL, the first thing I thought of when I read the bolded is "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie." There's a quote for ya!
@sameoldstory would it work for him to have his own account to cover his usual expenses and whatever you agree is the right amount of discretionary money, and get him away from using the joint account? It's still putting the burden on you to deal with your joint financial health and future, but at least his refusal to participate won't negatively affect you. I can't imagine how angry and frustrated you must feel.
He actually has a credit card that he uses for work and we pay off every month with his expense checks. I might just have him start using that for everything and then just pay it off each month. Honestly, I don't think him having a bank account would make any difference because I'd still have to be the one policing it to make sure he has enough money. Finances are a HUGE problem in our marriage and I just don't know how to fix it.
I was thinking of it like you transfer $X to his account each month from your joint account, and when he inevitably runs out or overdrafts, it's just not your problem. So you're policing the set up each month, and it's still not fair to you, but you're not dealing with the fallout of his mistakes. Next month he gets the same $X transferred to him, and if they take out overdraft fees as soon as that deposit hits well tough shit, he now has less money for that month.
But I totally get how hard it is to have a thing that you know is a problem and want to fix it and just not know how. I'm really sorry therapy didn't help - it does sound like a therapy-appropriate issue, so maybe another go or another therapist might be needed?
Post by crystald528 on Jan 15, 2020 9:49:56 GMT -5
We met with a financial adviser when we first got married 10 years ago. The system he set up has worked well for us. We have a joint checking account where we each deposit a certain amount from each paycheck. All of our joint bills are paid for from that account. I have almost everything on auto pay so money comes and goes without me having to do anything.
We each have our own checking account that we use to pay our student loans and other bills. I like it that I can use my funds how I want without having to check with him.
I still keep an eye on the joint account, but it runs pretty smooth. With banking apps and notifications, he should have no excuse for not being able to handle his own money.
@sameoldstory, would your H be open to doing a class together? Like Dave Ramsey? I'm sure there are others as well but we did the Ramsey one. I was amazed at how much that class helped us to get on the same page and have conversations. It sounds like he's able to just stick his head in the sand and leave you to carry the burden which is totally unfair.
@sameoldstory , would your H be open to doing a class together? Like Dave Ramsey? I'm sure there are others as well but we did the Ramsey one. I was amazed at how much that class helped us to get on the same page and have conversations. It sounds like he's able to just stick his head in the sand and leave you to carry the burden which is totally unfair.
He said he would so I actually started looking for one yesterday. The budget I have put together loosely follows the Dave Ramsey 7 baby steps, but he generally recommends paying off smallest balance first while I have a $17K credit card debt prioritized because it's currently on a limited special interest rate promotion. And you are 100% right that he likes to just stick his head in the sand. He actually told me one time that he doesn't want to be involved in the finances but reserves the right to get upset and criticize what I do. Needless to say that comment did NOT go over well. He did ultimately apologize, but at that point it was already very clear how he felt about it. I don't even need him to be involved in the day to day of paying bills and budgeting, I just want him to give a shit.
@sameoldstory , would your H be open to doing a class together? Like Dave Ramsey? I'm sure there are others as well but we did the Ramsey one. I was amazed at how much that class helped us to get on the same page and have conversations. It sounds like he's able to just stick his head in the sand and leave you to carry the burden which is totally unfair.
He said he would so I actually started looking for one yesterday. The budget I have put together loosely follows the Dave Ramsey 7 baby steps, but he generally recommends paying off smallest balance first while I have a $17K credit card debt prioritized because it's currently on a limited special interest rate promotion. And you are 100% right that he likes to just stick his head in the sand. He actually told me one time that he doesn't want to be involved in the finances but reserves the right to get upset and criticize what I do. Needless to say that comment did NOT go over well. He did ultimately apologize, but at that point it was already very clear how he felt about it. I don't even need him to be involved in the day to day of paying bills and budgeting, I just want him to give a shit.
I'm not joking when I say it was a game changer for us because before that we just didn't really talk about it and this forced us to. And the activity of adding up all our debt was for sure an eye opening experience for us. You certainly could modify the snow ball pay off method to work with that promotional period on the card. Again, I'm not necessarily recommending his course it's just what we did because it was being offered through our church and it was easily accessible to us. Whatever it takes to open up the communication would be huge for your family.
@sameoldstory , would your H be open to doing a class together? Like Dave Ramsey? I'm sure there are others as well but we did the Ramsey one. I was amazed at how much that class helped us to get on the same page and have conversations. It sounds like he's able to just stick his head in the sand and leave you to carry the burden which is totally unfair.
He said he would so I actually started looking for one yesterday. The budget I have put together loosely follows the Dave Ramsey 7 baby steps, but he generally recommends paying off smallest balance first while I have a $17K credit card debt prioritized because it's currently on a limited special interest rate promotion. And you are 100% right that he likes to just stick his head in the sand. He actually told me one time that he doesn't want to be involved in the finances but reserves the right to get upset and criticize what I do. Needless to say that comment did NOT go over well. He did ultimately apologize, but at that point it was already very clear how he felt about it. I don't even need him to be involved in the day to day of paying bills and budgeting, I just want him to give a shit.
He doesn’t give a shit and he’s made that clear. You’ve set up a dynamic where you’re basically parenting him financially; you have a 6 figure debt and you’re talking about doling out an allowance to a man that has no relationship with his own money. The issue here isn’t financial, it’s within the dynamic of your marriage. He’s willingly ignoring the reality that you have to struggle with daily, and forcing you to carry the burden of the truth about the debt because he ‘can’t handle it’. I would imagine this causes a lot of resentment and frustration on your part and if it were me, I would have a very difficult time trusting or respecting someone who allowed me to flail through a 6 figure debt alone while whining about adding bonus features to his new truck. Back to therapy.
@sameoldstory, I just wanted to mention that Vertex42.com has a great excel called "Debt Reduction Calculator". It would let you order your debt to do that one credit card then follow DR's plan (if you are looking for an easy excel sheet).
@sameoldstory , I just wanted to mention that Vertex42.com has a great excel called "Debt Reduction Calculator". It would let you order your debt to do that one credit card then follow DR's plan (if you are looking for an easy excel sheet).
I actually use that one and just downloaded the updated version yesterday. If we actually stick to the plan that I made yesterday, even with cash flowing vacations and Christmas, we'll be able to pay off just under $110K in exactly 3 years. We could probably pay it off even faster if we cut out other things in our budget, but I'm just not sure I could handle it. Who knows, maybe after we do the Dave Ramsey plan I'll feel differently, but I feel pretty good about the way I have it laid out right now. Before putting it all in the spreadsheet, it seemed so daunting, but having everything laid out is making me feel a bit better. Now I just need to stick with it.