9 year old girl problems - advice needed

[thatgirl2478]

So my oldest is about to turn 9. She doesn't have a ton of friends, maybe 3 that I hear about regularly. Well, one of them has recently (within the last 2 weeks) been playing ONLY with another girl. The problem is that her friend has 'created a class' and apparently there's a 'test' you have to take to be in the 'class'... and when my kid answered apparently she gave all the 'wrong' answers so now she can't be in 'class' (no they aren't playing school).  So now, her friend won't play with her.

She thinks it's all the influence of the other girl (who I have met and am less than thrilled about, she doesn't strike me as a nice kid and neither is her mom particularly) as apparently her friend has said 'it doesn't mean we're not friends'... which is true and something that *I* as an adult understand but at 9 it sucks to hear your friend say that.

I asked my kiddo what she wanted me to do, if anything, and she told me I should talk to her friends Mom and tell her that her kid is being rude and making my kid feel bad. I'm 100% not going to do that, because it's not my battle, but I am willing to contact her Mom and try to get them together on neutral ground so they can deal with it. FWIW, I haven't done anything yet.

Thoughts?

[Deleted]

I have two girls - 9 and 7 - and we've dealt with this in varying formats a few times over the last year. I set up a play date for them so that they could spend time together away from the other girl and that worked for us.

I'm sorry and I know how much it sucks to watch them go through this but I agree that complaining to the mom isn't the right answer.

[revolution]

Is this happening at school? If so, I'd contact the teacher or guidance counselor.

[thatgirl2478]

Jan 14, 2020 18:15:11 GMT -5 @princessbubbleyum said:

I have two girls - 9 and 7 - and we've dealt with this in varying formats a few times over the last year. I set up a play date for them so that they could spend time together away from the other girl and that worked for us.

I'm sorry and I know how much it sucks to watch them go through this but I agree that complaining to the mom isn't the right answer.

Thanks, I might try that.

[revolution]

Jan 14, 2020 18:18:50 GMT -5 revolution said:

Is this happening at school? If so, I'd contact the teacher or guidance counselor.

My oldest didn't have a good friend circle til she was almost 10. She went through some tough crap at school. I reached out to her 3rd grade teacher that year and her teacher was super helpful at working the kids relationships.

[thatgirl2478]

Jan 14, 2020 18:18:50 GMT -5 revolution said:

Is this happening at school? If so, I'd contact the teacher or guidance counselor.

Yep. Sure is. The problem is that they currently have to play in a parking lot because of construction on the school, so it's harder for the teacher to see what's happening. Plus, my kid and her friend are in two different classes (there are 6 or 8 sections of 3rd grade in our school), so it's a matter of which teacher to talk to, etc. I'm just not sure this is a teacher level thing...

[thatgirl2478]

Jan 14, 2020 18:20:20 GMT -5 revolution said:

Jan 14, 2020 18:18:50 GMT -5 revolution said:

Is this happening at school? If so, I'd contact the teacher or guidance counselor.

My oldest didn't have a good friend circle til she was almost 10. She went through some tough crap at school. I reached out to her 3rd grade teacher that year and her teacher was super helpful at working the kids relationships.

huh. I hadn't thought about it that way.

[flygirl]

My DS who is the same age goes through similar issues and I’ve just told him to find another child to play with. It seems to go in cycles where they don’t play with the same kids and then they do again. The teachers can help try to foster relationships but they can’t make kids play with each other. The suggestion of play dates is a good one though

[thatgirl2478]

Jan 14, 2020 18:26:48 GMT -5 flygirl said:

My DS who is the same age goes through similar issues and I’ve just told him to find another child to play with. It seems to go in cycles where they don’t play with the same kids and then they do again. The teachers can help try to foster relationships but they can’t make kids play with each other. The suggestion of play dates is a good one though

I've told her to do that, and for the most part she has. It's just that this is one of those 'really good friends' and it hurts. :/

[erbear]

Email her teacher. Trust me, parents do this all the time. We orchestrate kid friendships on the regular. Her teacher can look out for this behavior and also help her cultivate some healthier friendships.

[redheadk]

It’s definitely a teacher level thing.

[firedancer10288]

I'm going to disagree that this is something the teacher needs to deal with, but I also teach older kids, so maybe elementary teachers are okay with it. I think it is definitely something the guidance counselor can and should deal with. Our guidance staff is always meeting with groups of kids (especially girls) and helping them work through friend issues and how to foster relationships.

[joenali]

I would definitely want to know what is happening. I don’t go out to recess, we have recess monitors so I’m often the last to know what is happening outside. And I also can’t read minds. I want to be kept in the loop. If I hear from parents, kids, or recess monitors then I can help kids navigate problem solving and friendships.

[fivechickens]

Ugh. I hate the whole ‘you can’t be friends with me’ bullshit that kids play.

I have asked my girls if that is how they think a friend should be treating them. And l tell them it is okay to tell their friend that they are not being nice. If they (the friend) don’t seem to care than maybe play with other kids. ETA: and yes, to giving the teacher a heads up.

I also have told my girls that it is never okay to exclude other kids.

You are right to not talk to the mom. They are at an age where they need to learn to deal with this stuff on their own. If it escalates to where these two are making your DD feel bad/coming home crying than I might consider contacting the mom to get her shit together (much nicer though... maybe).

[cleo29]

I am going through something similar with my kiddo, who is 10, but friend is 9, and it suuuuuucks. I am very good friends with the girl's mother which only makes it worse, in my opinion. And she has told her mom that C ignores her, but C says, no it is the other girl ignoring her and I have witnessed this with my own eyes. There is also lots of whispering in front of my daughter when another friend is around. It is all really sad.

This girl has been in caught in lies by her parents, so her lying to her mom about this, especially to make her look better, is not unbelievable. My friend had come to me about C ignoring her daughter or not saying hi back, so I am just going to have to say something to her. In my case, I will say something because our families doe socialize together and I want to get the girls to a place where even if you are no longer great friends, you should still be polite.

Sorry for rambling. I think encouraging them to work it out is goo and if things really deteriorate, contact the mom.

[bronxgirl]

I don't have any advice, but my heart goes out to your daughter. I've been in her place many times in my life and it sucks.

[killercupcake]

I’d contact the counselor. They deal with this relational aggression stuff all the time. It’s really common at this age. That of course doesn’t make it better for you or your daughter, but school staff are well versed on it.

[thatgirl2478]

Thanks all.

I happen to be friends with the Mom of her 'best' friend, who is apparently the social worker/counselor of the group of girls. I got a *little* more info on the situation.

So my kid is being excluded, as is her best friend. It sounds as though her other friend and this other girl are 'new' friends and that they want to spend a LOT of time together, which is fine, but it still hurts to be excluded by someone you think of as a friend. My kid also, apparently, has problems 'sharing' friends - which I can definitely see.

I have suggested that she talk to her friend and let her know that she is hurt by being excluded. I am working on getting a play date set up with the two of them to see if that can help. I don't think that the girl is PURPOSELY trying to be mean, but it is definitely coming across that way.

[SusanBAnthony]

Ugh my 9 has dealt with this too.

Luckily she quickly saw through this and realized the girl doing it is a jerk, and moved on.

Said jerk is on her basketball team this year and at the first practice I heard her calling another girl fat. I reported it to the coach and the coach said she's also heard this girl is nasty.

So. Typical unfortunately.

I agree to talk to your daughter's teacher and the guidance counselor. They often have social skills groups and lunch bunches- stuff like that can be a great way to make new friends, and they often need NT kids to participate in them.

[thatgirl2478]

I've touched base with my child's teacher, turns out that this is happening across the 3rd grade, so they are aware of it and have been talking about it in class. I'm glad they are addressing it. Her teacher is going to keep an eye out for the exclusionary behavior at recess and address it if and when she sees it. She's also sharing my concerns with the other two girls homeroom teacher.

[sonrisa]

Your daughter is actually closer to a different girl - not the excluder nor the one courted by the excluder? I'd double down on that friendship and set up some opportunities with not-such-close friends who are good people and positive relationships (even if not major ones).

My daughter is the same age and we've dealt with a whole spectrum of stuff. I've found the most helpful thing is to support her in the healthy friendships and activities rather than trying to help her manage or fix the less healthy ones. The queen bee type isn't going to stop controlling. The clingy, possessive kid isn't going to stop sulking. The kid who brags about a private jet (real or imaginary) isn't going to become less elitist.

The kids who meet yours where she is, enjoy each others' company, and have generally positive friendships are the one worth investing time and energy in.

[turnipthebeet]

In elem, I played a lot at my best friend's house. Her mom SAH and so on snow days, inservice days, etc., we all ended up over there. If her mom saw or heard about anyone being excluded, she would read us books about friendship. She always had a new library book handy for just such an occasion. And while it was so groan-worthy at the time, it really did sink in for us.

So IDK how this helps you. But these books can help kids on both sides - the excluders and the excludees. My daughter is super sensitive to perceived slights from her friends, and as a result of these books and discussions, she is always on the alert for other kids in her class who are being excluded because she knows how it can feel. Her teachers have told me that she often makes a point to sit with kids who are alone, etc.

It's tough when a good friend fades away, but it will happen and hopefully she can turn it into an opportunity to look around and make new friends.

[periwinkle]

My daughter went through almost this exact situation over the past 2 years. The same girl (who was very close with DD initially) was a catalyst for all of it and last year started turning other girls on her which was terrible. I talked to the teacher and she nipped it in the bud. In the meantime I encouraged DD to grow her friendship with another girl who was always kind to her. They ended up becoming very close and once DD stopped caring about what the excluder did things started to calm down. They just avoided each other but the bullying stopped.

Finally after this school year started it seemed to level out and things have been good between all the girls in her class. The excluder friend became friends with DD again and she's friendly back with her but still keeps her at arms length.

Her teacher was a huge help in stopping it from turning into a serious bullying situation, definitely talk to her teacher.

3rd and 4th grade was the worst with girl drama. 5th grade has been much better so far.

[5thofjuly]

If it makes you feel any better, I went through exactly the same thing at 9. I ended up spending more time with two other girls who weren't in the "cool" group and who I had less in common with, but it worked itself out by the next year. I'm 40 years old now. The girls who excluded me are my best friends in the entire world, have been for decades, and I have no idea what I'd do without them. So, while it definitely sucked that year it all turned out well and was, I suspect (and from reading here) pretty normal developmentally. Either that, or all of my friends are assholes.