Post by lovelyshoes on Jan 16, 2020 17:08:34 GMT -5
You have gotten some great advice. I think it Is a huge step that you opened up here. Good for you and I hope you keep moving forward in getting help for yourself and your kids. Keep moving in the right direction. He is a grown man and needs to fix himself, that is Not your responsibility. I really just wanted to say that I know how hard this first step of opening up and admiring there is an issue is. You are strong, keep going.
Al Anon sounds like a good idea to add to the counseling, also I think there are books on this like Codependent No More comes to mind.
Ditto what everyone else said, separate the finances completely like in your name only. He shouldn't be in charge of paying bills because he is not going to pay them.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jan 16, 2020 17:15:31 GMT -5
Jesus Christ, amandakisser . This is a lot on you.
For what it’s worth, I think it’s great that you are going to try counseling, but at this point I also think you’re allowed to just be done, too. These aren’t marriage issues. These are HIM issues — addiction, his outlook on his life — and if he won’t seek help for them and he’ll steal from your kids and then have the nerve to malign you to them, you don’t have to sit around and wait for him to finally take care of himself while you run yourself into the ground keeping things afloat. You just don’t.
Yes, I would move valuables out of the safe. Do you have a family member you can bring them to? I wouldn't have them in the house at all. Leave his, and move yours and the children's to another location. I would also keep anything with the kid's social security numbers out of the house as well, and block their numbers from lines of credit being opened.
I think when you're living in a bad situation with someone like this it becomes hard to see "normal", or see just how far things have gotten away from normal. Just a little ammunition for when he tries to pass this stuff off as ok, or tries to say you're controlling or wrong - My husband and I both enjoy drinking. Neither of us has ever slept through an alarm, or shirked any responsibility due to our drinking. If I drank so much I couldn't get up for work, or couldn't wake my child for school I would be absolutely mortified. I would not try to blame someone else for not waking me. My brother repeatedly did this to my sister in law - because he's an alcoholic. I have asked my son to break a large bill using money from his piggy bank. I have even asked him to grab $20 so that I didn't have to go to an ATM on the way to someplace when we were running late. We have then stopped at an ATM on the way home so he could put it back. That's normal "borrowing". Crushing him by finding piggy bank empty would not be normal. I once painstakingly saved money for an upcoming church carnival and my mother stole it to buy alcohol - because she was an alcoholic. None of what your husband is doing is even remotely normal, and don't listen to a word of him trying to convince you otherwise.
It took me until the very end to realize my ex-husband was a compulsive gambler. It should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't. Some of the reason for that is because he told me I was controlling, I wasn't allowing him to enjoy himself. The old "I work hard and should be able to spend what I want" was also very popular with him.
ETA: Also - none of this is your fault. You shouldn't have seen it earlier, you shouldn't have been doing something about it sooner. No. It's not your fault.
You ARE NOT the problem here, and the finances are only the most recent, visible symptom. While marriage counseling may help some aspects of this, it’s not the whole answer, either. HE is the biggest problem.
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I can’t imagine how angry, confused, and maybe even scared you must be feeling right now. Please continue to come here for support, but also seek out Al Anon or individual counseling for yourself, too.
Do NOT let him twist your observations, concerns, disappointment, and anger around and make them your fault. He has caused this. It’s HIS mess. You’ve been cleaning up his messes for a really long time, and now it’s time that he faces it. Please take steps to make sure he can’t move money from your accounts. I know you probably don’t think he’d ever do it, but he’s already shown that he will do things that you’d never imagine him doing. There’s no trusting him at this point. If there’s an addiction at play and he’s already taken from your kids, it’s only reasonable to think that he will go to the next spot...especially if you cut down on the flow of money to him.
Post by amandakisser on Jan 16, 2020 17:41:56 GMT -5
Thank you all! I didn’t expect the thread to go this way, but I’m glad it did - I guess I just needed to jumpstart the conversation!
I’ll keep you posted - I know it’s ok to be done, even without counseling, but I do think it will be good for us to go. Maybe just so an unbiased third party can tell him he’s being an asshole lol. Maybe kick him into seeking help.
We don’t have a joint account. His paycheck is direct deposited into my account (minus a small amount that is deducted and dd into his account for gas, tolls, lunches, incidentals) and I pay all bills through my account. It works perfectly because I just cannot trust that he’ll pay things on time (he works a high stress job and it’s so much relief for him to not have that to think about).
This is what we do, too. His name is on the accounts so if something happens to me he can access them easily, but otherwise it’s all me. He doesn’t have any money deposited into an account though. We just share a credit card and he uses that for incidentals, it’s paid in full each month.
ETA: whoops, should’ve kept reading, don’t know that my post really helps after reading the updates. Sorry!
I don’t want to pile on here, but I have very big concerns here between the debt, his expectations on you getting him up, taking money from the kids, and finally the way he talks to the kids about you. Take care of yourself, OP.
I really think stealing money from his own children would be the straw for me. I give you a lot of credit for still allowing him to stay in the house.
I would allow no one to put me in debt, steal from my children, or disrespect me in front of them.
PLEASE see a lawyer to help you protect yourself and your children from him. (financially) I would put nothing past him. i know you are trying to protect him on some level but please take care of yourself and your kids.
1. Your H needs to go to AA or a counseling for his addiction in addition to couple's counseling. 2. YOU need to consult an attorney specializing in family law in your state. Depending on the law, you could very well be liable for all of his debts if you eventually get divorced. You need to find out how to separate yourself from his debt.
Post by sapphireblue on Jan 17, 2020 8:01:07 GMT -5
This sounds SO MUCH like my exH!
I remember thinking that it felt more like I had adopted a lazy teenager on my wedding day than gained a partner. He'd sleep through so much stuff unless I woke him up, blow through money in a similar fashion, etc.
I never gave him as much access as your H has to money, and I would change the lock combo on the safe (he probably wouldn't cross that line, but just to be cautious) and separate finances completely. Also--is there any kind of piggy bank that is lockable or more secure so he can't take the girls' money?
My exH also drank too much--he didn't get super drunk but did have beer every day. It's all connected I believe.
He would do things like, the day after I told him not to spend any extra money that week because I had a big bill coming out of my checking account on Thursday and my paycheck wouldn't be deposited until Friday morning, he would go buy FOUR hardcover books at a new bookstore. When questioned, he was "bored". The kicker is--I work at a public library! Tell me the titles, asshole, and I'll bring them home for you.
Anyway--sorry, I'm remembering and getting frustrated all over again.
I know that I had to feel done myself and I continued the marriage with him after some really egregious incidents. Eventually the counseling didn't help and we broke up.
I hope in your case the counseling helps you guys. Good luck.
Post by emilyinchile on Jan 17, 2020 9:49:24 GMT -5
Oh, girl. I have a pit in my stomach reading this because so much of it is similar to my exH. He never paid a bill, had no concept of responsibility or money and admitted in counseling he thought he might have a drinking problem (it wasn't every day, but he definitely had an issue around the "free" feeling of getting drunk and criticized me for being boring and a control freak just because I didn't like to drink as much as he did). Luckily we never went into debt over it and never had kids, but I TOTALLY relate to having been with someone from a very early age and not realizing just how fucking useless he is and how much you're doing until something like this forces you to face it.
I hope that counseling is helpful and clarifying. If it ends up making him into a good partner for you then that will be awesome. In my case, I can tell you that I am now in a relationship with an actual adult, and it's truly life-changing and amazing. That said, we have separate finances still but grocery runs for example are just paid for by whoever happens to do the shopping that time, and I definitely have some anxiety around worrying that I'm paying more and getting myself into the same situation I had before, so I'm still working through my past experience.
Post by amandakisser on Jan 17, 2020 10:58:24 GMT -5
No real update. I didn't have the energy to talk to my H last night, and just went to bed to read a book. He came up to put the dog in his crate and said to him, "Good luck with HER, buddy." I definitely saw the comment in a different light after reading the thread yesterday. We're hosting a party at our house tomorrow night so I'll probably talk to him Sunday morning (busy all day tomorrow and won't really have time for a serious convo anyway).
It's just about 11 am now and I haven't heard from him...which means he's still fucking sleeping. If he loses his job over this, I don't feel bad. I have my own shit to worry about and I can't spend all my time making sure he's doing what he's supposed to do.
It’s turning my stomach to read about how mean he is to you, even after you bend over backward to take care of him. You and your kids don’t deserve to be treated so badly, on top of the stress of being expected to mother him. I hope it can be fixed if that’s what you want, but protect yourself and your kids right now in case it can’t be.