Kids doing stuff on their own

[puppylove64]

I’m 31 weeks pregnant and feeling lazy when it comes to helping my bigger boys 5 and 7. I’m torn between am I sucking as a mom right now, or are they getting older and it is important for them to take care of themselves?

What ages are your kids and what do they do alone vs with some help?

Mine have been bathing alone with the occasional help with hair. Brushing teeth, getting dressed, and going to bed (same room) alone. I help with HW, and neither one can manage to tie their shoes 😣. They are pretty good about keeping up with their jackets and can make a snack alone. I feel bad that I tell them good night and send them upstairs alone, but they are getting older too ....

[dochas]

I think reading and chatting together before bed is important. Any chore a child can safely complete is fair game, but honestly I would not have him put himself to sleep. At 9 one of us still reads to him,and then he reads alone in bed for a while.

[mrsGreeko]

My kids are much older (13,10, and 8). We still put them to bed and read to the 10 and 8 year olds. It stopped with the older one when she was close to 12, she didn’t want me to read to her anymore. I’ll keep reading to the other 2 until they don’t want me to anymore. Our dentist recommends brushing teeth for kids until they are 10 so we brush teeth until they are 10. They all can bathe themselves. They can pick up after themselves and stuff like that.

My kids don’t have lace up shoes because they don’t like thing shoes so I either buy slip ons or I replace laces with the rubber laces that turn them into slip ons. Not my hill to die on. I also don’t wear lace up shoes and buy myself slip ons generally so...

My kids are older so they also do things like their own laundry, the dinner dishes, taking out the trash, etc.

[Patsy Baloney]

I have a 6 (almost 7) year old DD and an 8 month old. Obviously, the 8 month old does nothing but scream on his own, lol.

6 year old...well, you can tell she was an only child for a long time. H and I switch off and still help her get showered/bathed, lotioned up, and into bed for a story and a lullaby. Coats, shoes, getting dressed, etc., she takes care of herself, along with brushing teeth, hair, and packing up her backpack. H or I still pack snack for her, because if she packed snack by herself it would be a package of Oreos.

I dunno, I feel like you do what works for your family. It's not sucking as a mom if your kids put themselves to bed or do any number of things independently. It's just how your house is run.

[jeaniebueller]

Do whatever works for you! If that is the routine and it is working, go for it. I think its awesome that they can put themselves to bed and will be invaluable when the baby comes.

[waverly]

I don't think you are sucking as a mom. I think the cultural trend has been for parents to do more for their kids, and for kids to be less independent, and I am not sure that is a great shift. Continued independence that is age appropriate as they grow is the way to go. Often times we forget that what we are truly raising is for a kid to become an adult.

I'm not knocking anyone who puts their child to bed or not. Whatever works best for your family, but I am knocking the idea that not putting your child to bed makes you a bad mom. DS putting himself to bed will be invaluable with a baby. And it was certainly helpful for me when I had a 3 year old that kept trying to run out of her bedroom.

If you still want to read and chat, you can certainly do that in the living room- it doesn't have to be done in the bedroom. There are more than 1 way to do things!

[ktw]

I am not pregnant, but my parenting philosophy is that anything I can get my kids to do for themselves (as long as them doing it themselves doesn’t actually just create MORE work for me) is a win-win. I win because a). I don’t have to do it and b). I’m teaching them independence, which is the end goal of parenting. They win because they won’t be reliant on me forever.

My older one has dental issues, and her dentist says full dexterity for teeth brushing comes around 9 or 10, but if not for that, she’d be on her own. Every night, I sit in a chair and vacillate between wishing for the day that my children can put themselves to bed and dreading it. If you’ve got it figured out, more power to you!!

You’re doing great!

[hocus2]

We take our 8 year old up and read to him (and ensure he's staying on task because he would spend an hour putting on PJs). My 10 year gets sent up on her own, though that is part of the deal with a later bedtime which is only a month or two old. She gets time with us after she does her chores.

As for the rest of it -- it is totally fine for them to take ownership over their own tasks.

If the stairs are an issue for you a downstairs bedtime works for us sometimes. When both kids at an 8 bedtime I would have them get ready and we'd read a book down stairs and then they'd go up at 7:55 vs. 7:30 when we'd normally go up.

[humpforfree]

Jan 17, 2020 13:09:44 GMT -5 ktw said:

I am not pregnant, but my parenting philosophy is that anything I can get my kids to do for themselves (as long as them doing it themselves doesn’t actually just create MORE work for me) is a win-win. I win because a). I don’t have to do it and b). I’m teaching them independence, which is the end goal of parenting. They win because they won’t be reliant on me forever.

This! I have a 5.5yo, 4yo, and 4 week. The big kids are pretty independent. They know what time showers start and watch the clock. An adult turns the water on for them, but they do their own showers/getting dressed/teeth brushing. After they both get ready for bed they come out to the living room and each pick a story that we read to them. We say goodnight and they go to their own rooms and put themselves to bed. They stay in their rooms until 7 in the morning, they get themselves dressed in the morning (5.5 has been tying his shoes since he started K in the fall), pack their own bags, are responsible for grabbing their lunches, etc.

They are also responsible for bringing their laundry to the wash and putting it in the washing machine when the basket is full. I add the soap and start it, then flip to the dryer, but after that they take their basket of clothes to their room and put it all away (we don’t fold bc it just ends up a mess in the drawers when they dig through anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️). They help set the table, clean up after meals...

[minniemouse]

If they are fine putting themselves to bed then do it! That’s a huge help. we are working on that with our 6 and 10 year olds. They both still like to be read to before bed, but as the bedtimes get later it’s becoming difficult. So now I sit and talk to dd1 and read with her for a few minutes then she can read or draw on her own for awhile. It will be awhile before the 6 year old can do it, but that’s ok.
The girls do their own showers, brush teeth and hair, get dressed. They also get themselves breakfast such as cereal, toaster waffle or bagel and fruit. They fix their own snacks, as long as it they ask first if it’s near a meal time. Dd1 packs her lunch (Dd2 buys). We are working on getting them to load/unload the dishwasher, hand wash pots and pans, and fold/put away their laundry and make their beds. They also have to feed the cat her wet food and fill the water dish. All of these chores require reminding - but less and less as time goes on.

[icedcoffee]

Isn't having them do things on their own the ultimate goal here? Don't feel bad!

[lessel]

I think this is just kind of a family culture thing. My mom legit put me to bed until I was 17. So it was kind of just default that I do bedtime with my boys. We have friends who do it more your style, and at first I was kind of surprised by it but that kid is no less loved and cared for. Both ways of doing bedtime are fine.

[waverly]

It's family culture, its number and age of kids, it's home layout, it's schedule and all sorts of other things. It's whatever works best for your family at this point in time. If you find it's not working, you can always change it.

[readyin07]

I think you should do whatever works for your family! And it sounds like you are doing great!

We don’t have any hard or fast rules. My older two are almost 11 and 8 and now that ds3 is 2 1/2 they are definite needing to be more independent. On the weekends they usually put themselves to bed. During the week I prefer to actively put them to bed. Ds1 prefers to do it himself a lot of the time and sometimes I just let them because I am so worn down after the day.

[bdubs419]

I am laughing only because my boys are similar ages 5 and almost 7 and they are so dependent on me. I would kind of love if bedtime wasn’t such a process still!!!! I’d say do whatever works for you, as long as you feel you are squeezing in some quality time w them.

[mccallister84]

Well I just lost it on my three year old because she was working on a craft and dropped it on the floor and couldn’t manage to get it without whining she needed help so.....

[dontlook]

I say do whatever is working. Last year I couldn’t imagine not doing bedtime with my kids. This year they are far more independent and often put themselves to bed. I miss reading time with them but the often prefer to read on their own. Not needing me or H to put them to bed has allowed for things to be less hectic. We all go upstairs together, brush teeth and then the kids head to their rooms to read or draw until their designated bedtimes. I pop in at some point to say goodnight and I love you. It’s working pretty well.

[circa1978]

Our almost 9-year-old has been putting himself to bed for quite some time. We tell him its time and about half the time he asks to be tucked in but it's irregular. One of us is generally upstairs with him and I might wander in and out as he puts his pjs on and maybe once a week or so we cuddle but in general, he goes into his bedroom and reads. His light turns itself off at 9. I know for sure I was putting myself to bed at his age. 🤷 lessel , I need to know more about your mom putting you to bed at 17, LOL. What, exactly, did that involve?

[lessel]

Jan 17, 2020 16:55:35 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

Our almost 9-year-old has been putting himself to bed for quite some time. We tell him its time and about half the time he asks to be tucked in but it's irregular. One of us is generally upstairs with him and I might wander in and out as he puts his pjs on and maybe once a week or so we cuddle but in general, he goes into his bedroom and reads. His light turns itself off at 9. I know for sure I was putting myself to bed at his age. 🤷 lessel , I need to know more about your mom putting you to bed at 17, LOL. What, exactly, did that involve?

I know it sounds bonkers. But looking back it was always just a normal part of our nighttime routine. Usually I was in my room doing whatever and my mom was reading a book and I’d come out of my room and say I was going to sleep. She’d come in, sit on the side of my bed and we’d chat for a bit and then she’d kiss me goodnight and turn off my lights.

When I would be late coming home from work or whatever, she’d wait up for me and do the same thing. It was just, I dunno, normal! We didn’t really have a tumultuous relationship when I was a teenager (I was a relatively boring and obedient kid), so we were pretty close.

My mom and I are still really close even though we live in different states. I pretty much call her every day on my way home from work.

[fryjack2]

My view of parenting and what I tell my kids all the time is: "My job is not to do things for you, but to teach you how to do things for yourself."

My boys are 7.5. They shower by themselves and get ready by themselves. I know their showers and teeth brushing isn't the most amazing, but I make them go back and do touch ups.

They read to themselves and we occasionally read to them. They would rather read on their own at this point.

I kiss them goodnight almost every night but that's because sometimes its the only 10 minutes I see them all day. Some days I say goodnight from the couch and H heads up with them to basically turn the light off.

I'm not pregnant. You are doing what works for you. Its sounds like you are doing fine and your kids are doing pretty well on their own

[isabel]

The only thing you mentioned that I would do differently is reading books or chatting a bit before bed. I see myself doing this with my kids for as long as they will let me. But the rest of it, nah. They're plenty old enough to make snacks, get ready for bed, etc. I hope I can get DS1 competent enough to bathe himself at 5 (he's 4.5 now). I think it's impressive your younger one can clean his body well.

I often wonder to myself (and I am not pregnant, nor will I ever be again) if I am being lazy by not helping them. Conversely, I sometimes wonder if I am doing too much for them. It's really a no-win situation. Do what you think is best and when in doubt, err on the side of giving them the opportunity to learn independence. That's what I aim for.

[noodleoo]

lessel, that’s really sweet and I hope my DDs and I can be that close when they grow up.

DD1 is 4.5 and recently started getting dressed by herself (sometimes, anyway, LOL). I think I need to start working on more independence for her, but she’s a pretty clingy kid and still wants our help. She doesn’t really like being alone. She starts K in the fall and I think that will help, but will also be a rough transition for her.

humpforfree, how did you get your kids to shower by themselves? We still give DD1 a bath and I don’t know how to make the transition. That would be a nice one to make easier for us.

[humpforfree]

Jan 17, 2020 23:10:25 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

lessel, that’s really sweet and I hope my DDs and I can be that close when they grow up.

DD1 is 4.5 and recently started getting dressed by herself (sometimes, anyway, LOL). I think I need to start working on more independence for her, but she’s a pretty clingy kid and still wants our help. She doesn’t really like being alone. She starts K in the fall and I think that will help, but will also be a rough transition for her.

humpforfree, how did you get your kids to shower by themselves? We still give DD1 a bath and I don’t know how to make the transition. That would be a nice one to make easier for us.

We started showers in the fall when the 5.5yo started K & we wanted to make sure he bathed daily, but baths take way too long. We started out staying in there the whole time and going through it step by step and then transitioned to supervising each step, then eventually just stepped away. TBH H did that, so I’m not sure if it was more in depth but I don’t think so. The 4yo just wanted to do the same thing, so she learned at the same time.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I *think* those are the ages I started having my kids do things completely unsupervised at times (like shower and brush teeth) when needed, and then all the time once I trusted them to do it well enough. TBH I still take a turn brushing both my kids' teeth if I am upstairs while they are doing it, because they are lazy and I don't want to deal with cavities.
I also still enjoy reading with both my kids at bedtime, but the amount of time I do it has been drastically reduced. But I love that my ds still asks that I read to him, and gets so adorably excited when I will (dh often does bedtime if he's home). But our bedtime routine is reading one page to them, telling them goodnight and reminding them what time 'light's out' is. If they want longer reading, they bring their book to where ever I am, and no complaining if the answer happens to be no that night.
The other things I do for them, I do because I want to...like picking out outfits when I actually care what htey look like, otherwise they are fine on their own. DD CAN 'do' her hair herself and does most days, but she can ask for a ponytale or braid, or I can insist on something if I care what she looks like for a certain day (like you know, picture day).