MS kids sharing treats at lunch

[minniemouse]

My 10 year old dd is in 5th grade which is middle school here. In elementary school kids were not allowed to share food at lunch. In middle school they can- it’s one of many changes where they have sooooooo much more freedom and responsibility.
Dd packs her own lunch each morning. She is very good about packing a balanced healthy meal and actually eats what she packs! She also takes a small treat for dessert- which I am fine with for many reasons.

The problem? Her friends get jealous of her treat and try to steal it every day or get mad if she won’t share it. Most times it’s not really share-able because it’s so small anyway. She tells them to knock it off but they don’t.

She has also suggested they pack their own lunches so they can choose what to bring 🤣. None of them do- their parents still pack for them. They all have food to eat. This is not a situation where a child is going hungry.

Other than not bringing a treat, does anyone have any suggestions?
I’m considering letting her bring treats to share once a week. Would you be annoyed or mad if your child was getting treats at school? I kind of think of they wanted their kids to have sugary treats they would send them in.

[joy]

I’m at a zero over my kid getting treats, especially a middle schooler.

If these kids aren’t getting anything that good in their lunch then they need to take it up with their parents.

Your daughter can bring something to share if she wants but it’s also not her responsibility. Tell her “friends” to knock it off. Or put it in her bookbag for a treat on her way out of lunch.

[madringal]

It doesn't sound like she is sharing, it sounds like they are taking her lunch! Poor kid. My kids school allows sharing in middle school too but we have never had a problem like this. I came across like a jerk in another thread, and probably will here too. But I would just tell my kid she has to be pretty blunt and forceful - "I don't want to share." That's it. Maybe find other kids to sit with if they get mad at her over it.

[jinkies]

I would not send in treats to share-- I think it would just create a situation where they feel even more entitled to her food.

It sucks, but I think she just needs to hold a hard line on not sharing and they will eventually get over it.

[minniemouse]

I’ll have to have her practice being louder and more direct. She is a quiet kid so even though she tells them to knock it off they may not be fully getting that she means it.
They are not allowed to switch tables. They chose where to sit the first week of school and are stuck there now.

[madringal]

Jan 17, 2020 11:45:09 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

I’ll have to have her practice being louder and more direct. She is a quiet kid so even though she tells them to knock it off they may not be fully getting that she means it.
They are not allowed to switch tables. They chose where to sit the first week of school and are stuck there now.

That just seems like a recipe for disaster in middle school.

[mrsGreeko]

I can’t tell if this is really seriously bothering your DD or just bothering you. At this age I wouldn’t get involved and wouldn’t send in treats for everyone.

[minniemouse]

Jan 17, 2020 11:58:57 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I can’t tell if this is really seriously bothering your DD or just bothering you. At this age I wouldn’t get involved and wouldn’t send in treats for everyone.

It’s bothering dd. She complains about it a few times a week. I asked her if she is just looking to vent or if wants suggestions, and she said she wants suggestions. I’m trying to think of ideas, but she will need to implement them - if she chooses. I will not get in the middle of it.

[CloudBee]

This happened to DS when he was in school. His best friend always had a huuuug sandwich, granola bar, and juice box. Some days he would come in with a massive slice of lasagna and a juice box. He always had food to eat, but repeatedly stole food from my son's lunchbox. It was absolutely, positively, not a "hunger" issue. It was a matter of my son having a fun looking bento box with a little bit of many things, vs a big slice of leftover lasagna in a thermos.

He was in kinder, so we eventually did have to talk to DS's teacher about it. At one point his friend got so aggressive with reaching into his lunchbox that DS's entire lunch fell onto the floor one day. Not much improved with the teacher.

I eventually started packing 2 jellybeans. One for DS and one for him to share. Other days it was something like a few Nerds, or 2 M&M's. Problem solved. DS's bestie kept his hands to himself, I didn't have to spend money on providing someone else's kid with a daily snack, and they always had a TINY treat to bond over.

Can she do that? If it's just a couple friends, can she seriously pack something as simple as 4 Starbursts, 4 M&Ms, or jellybeans? Sometimes when you can't win your battles, you have to figure out how to at least soften the blow. But I wouldn't get into the habit of providing snacks for a bunch of other kids once a week. They are going to just look at your kid and EXPECT she will ALWAYS share.

^ (ETA: We used to frequently provide snacks for the after school playground crowd. But those were from ME, the PARENT, and given to DS to hand out / share. I'm ok with a parent seen as someone who is a fairly reliable snack provider. I just don't need my kid taking on that stress in a lunchroom setting where other kids reach and grab for his stuff and expect they get to eat it, too.)

Real life: you don't always have to share if someone else has what they "need". (Their own boring lunch.) Sometimes you can, and it's really nice to once in a while. But expectations in these situations really suck for kids...

[CloudBee]

Jan 17, 2020 12:04:20 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

Jan 17, 2020 11:58:57 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I can’t tell if this is really seriously bothering your DD or just bothering you. At this age I wouldn’t get involved and wouldn’t send in treats for everyone.

It’s bothering dd. She complains about it a few times a week. I asked her if she is just looking to vent or if wants suggestions, and she said she wants suggestions. I’m trying to think of ideas, but she will need to implement them - if she chooses. I will not get in the middle of it.

You're a great mom. I love that she came to share her feelings AND ask for help.

[waverly]

Maybe this isn't the right solution, but I would stop sending the treat since it is causing problems.

[mrsGreeko]

Jan 17, 2020 12:04:20 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

Jan 17, 2020 11:58:57 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I can’t tell if this is really seriously bothering your DD or just bothering you. At this age I wouldn’t get involved and wouldn’t send in treats for everyone.

It’s bothering dd. She complains about it a few times a week. I asked her if she is just looking to vent or if wants suggestions, and she said she wants suggestions. I’m trying to think of ideas, but she will need to implement them - if she chooses. I will not get in the middle of it.

If it bothers her that much and since she packs her own lunch then it would seem to make the most sense if she stopped packing herself things that caused her stress. If she keeps packing them then it would seem it really isn’t causing her that much distress IMO. I’d also work really hard on helping her stand up for herself. Middle school isn’t going to get any easier and that skill will be invaluable over the next few years.

[sandandsea]

I agree with ppa. FWIW Ds is in 2nd grade and has been trading food forever at school. I’m fine with it and am glad they figure it out. This means he’s usually eating something less healthy than what I send but I’m not going to worry about it.

[minniemouse]

Jan 17, 2020 12:12:34 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Jan 17, 2020 12:04:20 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

It’s bothering dd. She complains about it a few times a week. I asked her if she is just looking to vent or if wants suggestions, and she said she wants suggestions. I’m trying to think of ideas, but she will need to implement them - if she chooses. I will not get in the middle of it.

You're a great mom. I love that she came to share her feelings AND ask for help.

Thanks! I try, lol.

[VillainV]

If she’s packing her own lunch, then I think the obvious solution is to put whatever small treat she wants somewhere else in her book bag, and she can eat it somewhere other than the lunch room. If her friends ask, she can tell them that she got sick of them badgering her about sharing her treat so she just stopped packing it for lunch.

[minniemouse]

Thanks all. I will share the ideas with her and let her decide what to do.

[minniemouse]

Jan 17, 2020 14:10:14 GMT -5 VillainV said:

If she’s packing her own lunch, then I think the obvious solution is to put whatever small treat she wants somewhere else in her book bag, and she can eat it somewhere other than the lunch room. If her friends ask, she can tell them that she got sick of them badgering her about sharing her treat so she just stopped packing it for lunch.

The backpacks have to stay in their lockers, and they aren’t supposed to eat outside the cafeteria.
Middle school is weird. She has to carry all her stuff between classes but they can’t have bags. So she is juggling a huge trapper keeper, several folders, chrome book, pencil case and hydro flask. In high school they are allowed backpacks. Makes no sense to me!!
I am going to suggest she just wait until she gets home for the treat.

[VillainV]

Jan 17, 2020 14:15:34 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

Jan 17, 2020 14:10:14 GMT -5 VillainV said:

If she’s packing her own lunch, then I think the obvious solution is to put whatever small treat she wants somewhere else in her book bag, and she can eat it somewhere other than the lunch room. If her friends ask, she can tell them that she got sick of them badgering her about sharing her treat so she just stopped packing it for lunch.

The backpacks have to stay in their lockers, and they aren’t supposed to eat outside the cafeteria.
Middle school is weird. She has to carry all her stuff between classes but they can’t have bags. So she is juggling a huge trapper keeper, several folders, chrome book, pencil case and hydro flask. In high school they are allowed backpacks. Makes no sense to me!!
I am going to suggest she just wait until she gets home for the treat.

Can she eat it on the bus? Put in her pocket? Save it for when she gets home? I know she shouldn’t have to do any of this, but there are other ways to eat a small treat besides in the lunch room around kids who don’t take a hint.

[joy]

What is this small treat that so many kids are lusting over? Lol.

My mom always packed cookies in my lunch. Four of ‘em. Those suckers were mine. But everyone else got cookies, too, so it wasn’t anything extravagant. Have we swung so far that a Hershey kiss is now foreign in schools for dessert? My kid is only three so I don’t know yet. 🤣

[icedcoffee]

Jan 17, 2020 14:29:52 GMT -5 joy said:

What is this small treat that so many kids are lusting over? Lol.

My mom always packed cookies in my lunch. Four of ‘em. Those suckers were mine. But everyone else got cookies, too, so it wasn’t anything extravagant. Have we swung so far that a Hershey kiss is now foreign in schools for dessert? My kid is only three so I don’t know yet. 🤣

I was wondering the same.  The post about packing 2 M&M's made me LOL.  My kid gets an M&M every time he pees.  

[madringal]

Jan 17, 2020 14:29:52 GMT -5 joy said:

What is this small treat that so many kids are lusting over? Lol.

My mom always packed cookies in my lunch. Four of ‘em. Those suckers were mine. But everyone else got cookies, too, so it wasn’t anything extravagant. Have we swung so far that a Hershey kiss is now foreign in schools for dessert? My kid is only three so I don’t know yet. 🤣

Lol, I packed 2 giant double chocolate chip cookies in my 11 years olds lunch today.  My 8 year old usually gets something much smaller, like a tiny box of nerds or a few gummy worms.

[minniemouse]

Hahaha. I know right? This week it was one Dove heart. Last week 1 wegmans mini chocolate chip cookie. After Halloween it was one piece of fun sized candy for a long time.
ETA: when I think back to what I brought to school in the 80s-90s I cringe. It was all junk. A huge cookie or brownie, bag of chips, juice box, and sandwich on white bread. No veggies at all. Sometimes an apple or orange. 😳

[orval]

It is weird that we have got to the point that parents won't pack a cookie in kid's lunch box. My kid gets cookies every day and so does my husband when I pack their lunches. I always got something sweet (one half of aLIttle Debbie Nutty Bar!) in my lunch.
I feel like these poor kids are deprived -- then they want it more!

[icedcoffee]

Jan 17, 2020 14:42:36 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

.
ETA: when I think back to what I brought to school in the 80s-90s I cringe. It was all junk. A huge cookie or brownie, bag of chips, juice box, and sandwich on white bread. No veggies at all. Sometimes an apple or orange. 😳

It's weird to think how much people's diets have changed over the years.  My lunch looked a lot like yours.  And I usually threw the apple and the sandwich in the trash.  And my mom now would say "Well I tried to buy wheat bread and you guys wouldn't eat it"  But that seems so weird to me because my kid is as selective as the next kid, but wheat bread has never been an issue.  He'll inhale anything on wheat bread.

And it was all in sandwich bags and brown paper bags that got trashed.  Disposable juice boxes.

And like 20 years ago in my circles nobody fed their kid avocados.  They just didn't.

Definitely a tangent, but lunches and foods and eating habits have changed so much.

[joy]

One Dove heart?!! Put that in her pocket and pop in mouth on the way out of lunch. 👍🏻

[icedcoffee]

Jan 17, 2020 15:05:53 GMT -5 orval said:

It is weird that we have got to the point that parents won't pack a cookie in kid's lunch box. My kid gets cookies every day and so does my husband when I pack their lunches. I always got something sweet (one half of aLIttle Debbie Nutty Bar!) in my lunch.
I feel like these poor kids are deprived -- then they want it more!

This is true too.  One thing that I don't think we did as kids as much as kids now do though is snack.  I feel like kids now eat a snack every hour.  I don't remember that as a kid.  Snack culture!

[joy]

I gave my sandwich away every day. I ate the cookies and chips. I spent my dollar on more of the same. I did only drink water and my mom gave us very healthy dinners. So, it sorta evened out. Lol.

[joy]

Jan 17, 2020 15:11:39 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Jan 17, 2020 15:05:53 GMT -5 orval said:

It is weird that we have got to the point that parents won't pack a cookie in kid's lunch box. My kid gets cookies every day and so does my husband when I pack their lunches. I always got something sweet (one half of aLIttle Debbie Nutty Bar!) in my lunch.
I feel like these poor kids are deprived -- then they want it more!

This is true too.  One thing that I don't think we did as kids as much as kids now do though is snack.  I feel like kids now eat a snack every hour.  I don't remember that as a kid.  Snack culture!

They’re hungry because quinoa and carrots are just not appreciated by the younger set. 😉

[icedcoffee]

I will say that I am pretty strict about sweets with my kid, but it's mostly because he just CAN'T handle his sugar. He turns into a lunatic. Other people have even noticed. He's only 3 so I hope he outgrows this a little bit.

[imojoebunny]

Your DD has many options for handling this herself, and I would encourage her to do so. My 10 year old has had kids steal candy from him, in a different situation than this. It was a hard lesson for him, but it is just that, a lesson, and he won't be taken advantage of again in that way. She can save her treat for the ride home or at home, she can take a second treat, if she wants to be generous, or she can assertively tell the other kids to stuff it. I would let my kid figure out which solution works for them. Small problem, big boost to self confidence, if she can solve it for herself.

icedcoffee, snack culture is a thing. My kids have never needed to eat between meals, excepting something like a long hike, but it is everywhere, from preschool to sports.