My mom continues to act out

[sunflower17]

pandce.proboards.com/thread/615537/difficult-family-members
^Link to last post about her (ETA-my mother) crap.
Just a vent.
I’m being induced with DD2 next week. Because of the drama my mother has created and her obnoxious behavior towards H, I have decided it would be better if she came the following week after baby is born. H doesn’t get much time off and I don’t want her to act out the entire time we are welcoming home our new addition.
She continues to text me and tell me I treat her like a stranger. She asked if she could take DD1 to her house (200 miles away) and return her after baby is born. She then cried when I told her no. Now she has said that I am not to send her pics or post pics on social media until she gets to see baby with her own eyes. Like, what the fuck!?? I am 38 years old, you do not get to control me.
Am I being unreasonable to delay her visit by a week!?

[joy]

Lol - no. You are normal. She is nuts. Stand your ground.

[Patsy Baloney]

Do what you want.

You hear me?

What YOU want. What is best for your family.

[icedcoffee]

I'd delay her visit by more than a week.

[madringal]

Yeah, that would get a big fat nope from me. You do what you need to for you, baby, and family.

[minniemouse]

Yeah, I would not listen to her. Delay the visit and post any pics you want.

[hamster]

I'm pretty sure I told my mom it's about me, not her, following the birth of both of my children.

Is she actually helpful when she visits? Because if not, I'd absolutely say "sorry, next week isnt going to work either. How about the end of February?" You don't need extra stress and drama right now.

[ginandjucie24]

You are not being unreasonable. Her making demands is nuts.

You and your little family are going to be adjusting to adding a new member and adjusting to life with a newborn.

You and your H made it clear what you want. If she is going to throw a fit she can be the grandma who gets her visit extended out more than a week.

Is she the type to come and help or is she going to be a baby hog and make the whole visit about her? I would lay out clear expectations about the visit before she comes.

[ECB]

Set and enforce your boundaries. And remember that you aren’t responsible for her feelings. If she gets mad and cries? Let her. That’s on her. Don’t feel guilty or question yourself. You know how she is and you know she won’t react rationally.

It may be easier said than done, but work towards letting her behavior roll off your back.

[pandorica]

Jan 17, 2020 11:53:55 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'd delay her visit by more than a week.

This. That's way more than I want to deal with just after having a baby (or honestly...ever)

[waverly]

I re read your other post. I think you should unfollow and not look at her page on social media. If you post anything which is within your rights, I would make it so she and her friends/ relatives that might tell her cannot see it. I know that seems like a lot, but I don't want to deal with the drama, so I never post anything really controversial on social media, and I don't want to see anyone's crap either.

You are not being unreasonable. Frankly in this kind of situation, I would have not given any dates or timeline in terms of induction. That ship might have sailed, but I see a lot of people with crazy family do not tell them when they are in labor. Only give the news that baby is born afterwards when you are ready to deal with stuff. Otherwise they might get people showing up at the hospital and trying to break down doors to their room.

[sunflower17]

Jan 17, 2020 11:57:22 GMT -5 hamster said:

I'm pretty sure I told my mom it's about me, not her, following the birth of both of my children.

Is she actually helpful when she visits? Because if not, I'd absolutely say "sorry, next week isnt going to work either. How about the end of February?" You don't need extra stress and drama right now.

ginandjucie24
Nope she is not particularly helpful when she visits. She will wash dishes..that’s about it. Other than that she makes a mess by spreading out all her belongings everywhere (which gives me anxiety) and brings her very yappy small dog which terrorizes my cats.

[mskitkat]

If you let her visit, she is going to make the whole thing about her and you needing to do things her way, and probably a good dose of what your husband is doing wrong (since you say she treats him poorly). This time post baby is sacred and you can never get it back. Don’t ruin it for yourself and your husband out of some misplaced guilt.

[sunflower17]

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:35 GMT -5 mskitkat said:

If you let her visit, she is going to make the whole thing about her and you needing to do things her way, and probably a good dose of what your husband is doing wrong (since you say she treats him poorly). This time post baby is sacred and you can never get it back. Don’t ruin it for yourself and your husband out of some misplaced guilt.

I do agree with this. We are welcoming a new baby and I don’t want H to feel isolated on his few short days off. I don’t want to have her start shit which she inevitably will. Especially when I am so newly postpartum and hormonal.

[hamster]

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:21 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

Jan 17, 2020 11:57:22 GMT -5 hamster said:

I'm pretty sure I told my mom it's about me, not her, following the birth of both of my children.

Is she actually helpful when she visits? Because if not, I'd absolutely say "sorry, next week isnt going to work either. How about the end of February?" You don't need extra stress and drama right now.

ginandjucie24
Nope she is not particularly helpful when she visits. She will wash dishes..that’s about it. Other than that she makes a mess by spreading out all her belongings everywhere (which gives me anxiety) and brings her very yappy small dog which terrorizes my cats.

Then a big fat nope to her coming a week postpartum. If you're not helpful, you dont come immediately. Sorry, not sorry.

[SusanBAnthony]

Jan 17, 2020 12:13:27 GMT -5 pandorica said:

Jan 17, 2020 11:53:55 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I'd delay her visit by more than a week.

This. That's way more than I want to deal with just after having a baby (or honestly...ever)

A month maybe.

[hamster]

Also, my mom told me should would not be waiting a month to meet D like she did C. But "no pressure."

Guess who didnt come for a month? I had help pretty much every day between H, MIL and my dad. I was not about to send away real help for her.

[mbcdefg]

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:21 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

Jan 17, 2020 11:57:22 GMT -5 hamster said:

I'm pretty sure I told my mom it's about me, not her, following the birth of both of my children.

Is she actually helpful when she visits? Because if not, I'd absolutely say "sorry, next week isnt going to work either. How about the end of February?" You don't need extra stress and drama right now.

ginandjucie24
Nope she is not particularly helpful when she visits. She will wash dishes..that’s about it. Other than that she makes a mess by spreading out all her belongings everywhere (which gives me anxiety) and brings her very yappy small dog which terrorizes my cats.

I’d also tell her to get a hotel or a pet friendly AirBNB if she visits.

[pandorica]

Jan 17, 2020 12:49:20 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:21 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

ginandjucie24
Nope she is not particularly helpful when she visits. She will wash dishes..that’s about it. Other than that she makes a mess by spreading out all her belongings everywhere (which gives me anxiety) and brings her very yappy small dog which terrorizes my cats.

I’d also tell her to get a hotel or a pet friendly AirBNB if she visits.

Yup. ILs normally stay with us when they visit but we made them get a hotel the first 2 times they visited after DD was born.

[ginandjucie24]

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:21 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

Jan 17, 2020 11:57:22 GMT -5 hamster said:

I'm pretty sure I told my mom it's about me, not her, following the birth of both of my children.

Is she actually helpful when she visits? Because if not, I'd absolutely say "sorry, next week isnt going to work either. How about the end of February?" You don't need extra stress and drama right now.

ginandjucie24
Nope she is not particularly helpful when she visits. She will wash dishes..that’s about it. Other than that she makes a mess by spreading out all her belongings everywhere (which gives me anxiety) and brings her very yappy small dog which terrorizes my cats.

I am so sorry your Mom has no respect for you, your family or your house.  Why does she get to come and do that?  If you can talk to your mom about boundaries without her pulling bullshit I would. I don’t know your history with your mom and mom stuff is hard, but why does she get rewarded with a visit after causing drama that is causing you to be induced and behaving obnoxious towards your H?  

[katespade]

You do not need to allow her to visit at all.

I know that thought is difficult to process because she's your mom and we've all been raised to believe that our parents are owed certain rights unconditionally, but they aren't. If her visit is going to bring no joy and only make your life more difficult, rescind the invitation. You are not responsible for shielding her from the consequences of her choices/actions, and she has made it very clear that she has no respect for you, your family, your feelings, your wants/needs, or anything else beyond herself.

Also, if you rescind the invitation and she shows up demanding that it's her right and you can't tell her to stay away, you are not required to let her into your house. Again, you are not responsible for shielding her from the consequences of her choices/actions.

[sunflower17]

Jan 17, 2020 12:59:18 GMT -5 ginandjucie24 said:

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:21 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

ginandjucie24
Nope she is not particularly helpful when she visits. She will wash dishes..that’s about it. Other than that she makes a mess by spreading out all her belongings everywhere (which gives me anxiety) and brings her very yappy small dog which terrorizes my cats.

I am so sorry your Mom has no respect for you, your family or your house.  Why does she get to come and do that?  If you can talk to your mom about boundaries without her pulling bullshit I would. I don’t know your history with your mom and mom stuff is hard, but why does she get rewarded with a visit after causing drama that is causing you to be induced and behaving obnoxious towards your H?  

Unfortunately she can not be reasoned with. This is the first time I am really trying to instill boundaries and stick to it. She is very, very controlling.

[ECB]

Jan 17, 2020 12:24:04 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

Jan 17, 2020 12:20:35 GMT -5 mskitkat said:

If you let her visit, she is going to make the whole thing about her and you needing to do things her way, and probably a good dose of what your husband is doing wrong (since you say she treats him poorly). This time post baby is sacred and you can never get it back. Don’t ruin it for yourself and your husband out of some misplaced guilt.

I do agree with this. We are welcoming a new baby and I don’t want H to feel isolated on his few short days off. I don’t want to have her start shit which she inevitably will. Especially when I am so newly postpartum and hormonal.

then she comes when he goes back to work. Don’t ruin HIS time with his new baby. And tell her no dog.

Or ditto katespade. Rescind the invitation!!

Truly - this is YOUR choice. What works for you and your DH? Full stop. She can stay in a Airbnb that allows pets. There are options here. She may not like them but this isn’t about her.

[ECB]

Jan 17, 2020 13:18:38 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

Jan 17, 2020 12:59:18 GMT -5 ginandjucie24 said:

I am so sorry your Mom has no respect for you, your family or your house.  Why does she get to come and do that?  If you can talk to your mom about boundaries without her pulling bullshit I would. I don’t know your history with your mom and mom stuff is hard, but why does she get rewarded with a visit after causing drama that is causing you to be induced and behaving obnoxious towards your H?  

Unfortunately she can not be reasoned with. This is the first time I am really trying to instill boundaries and stick to it. She is very, very controlling.

also remember with boundaries - she doesn’t need to be told or asked about them. She doesn’t even need to know them. This is about you setting them and learning to ignore/work around her reactions.

Good luck. I’m sorry your dealing with this.

[CrazyLucky]

My MIL is perfectly wonderful and we still asked her not to come for two weeks after the births. My own mother is not especially helpful, so we asked her to wait three weeks. IT's totally up to you and it doesn't sound like reducing her presence in your life is a bad thing.

[sunflower17]

Jan 17, 2020 14:18:56 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

My MIL is perfectly wonderful and we still asked her not to come for two weeks after the births. My own mother is not especially helpful, so we asked her to wait three weeks. IT's totally up to you and it doesn't sound like reducing her presence in your life is a bad thing.

That makes me feel better. I guess it’s hard for me to look at this clearly because I’m just used to being controlled by her guilt trips!!

[jewel]

You are being FAR more generous than I would be.

It will be hard to tolerate her hurt feelings, but this is precious time that you have with your family. If she’s not actively making that time better, then she shouldn’t be there.

[namasteak]

I would not let her visit at all.

[boiler717]

Jan 17, 2020 13:18:38 GMT -5 sunflower17 said:

Jan 17, 2020 12:59:18 GMT -5 ginandjucie24 said:

I am so sorry your Mom has no respect for you, your family or your house.  Why does she get to come and do that?  If you can talk to your mom about boundaries without her pulling bullshit I would. I don’t know your history with your mom and mom stuff is hard, but why does she get rewarded with a visit after causing drama that is causing you to be induced and behaving obnoxious towards your H?  

Unfortunately she can not be reasoned with. This is the first time I am really trying to instill boundaries and stick to it. She is very, very controlling.

You don’t have to explain or justify or get her to agree to a boundary. You tell her what it is.
I know I shared in the last post about our situation and how similar it is. It’s okay to protect your husband and children from her manipulation. A relationship with you is not a right.

[krystee]

I would insist on a hotel. There is no chance I would deal with 24/7 unpleasant company and a yappy dog and terrorized cat while I was exhausted and recovering. If it means she doesn’t come, that sounds like it might not be a bad thing.