Aw, this makes me feel sad for her and for you... I mean, you have told her your preference and she does not seem to be picking up what you are putting down. Have you met up again? Maybe then you can just say, "Listen, this is a little awkward, but I really prefer talking via text or face to face. I am on the phone all day at work and so in my off time, I just prefer to talk face to face." Or something like that?
I am a phone person and text, but i do like phone or in person because text can lose nuance and tone. Also, what is her job? Is she talking to people all the time or is she pretty much on her own so she looks forward to talking to people, whether it be on the phone or in person. I felt this way when I became a mom and found myself pretty much on my own most of the time with little interaction with other adults. Sadly, I think this has made me lose some of my people skills. lol
I wouldn’t ghost her or anything, but I’m with you. I’m a text person except for the very few people I still have in my contacts that I used to talk on the phone to bc texting wasn’t an option back then.
But I would just tell her, “hey, listen. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and hanging out- but I just don’t talk on the phone much. So when I don’t answer your calls, I just want you to know why. And I don’t anticipate that changing any time soon.”
Post by wanderingback on Jan 17, 2020 18:00:14 GMT -5
One of my SO's friends is like that. She ALWAYS calls. My SO actually doesn't mind talking on the phone that much, but she will call for the most ridiculous reasons in this day and age when texting will suffice. He certainly doesn't always answer her calls and often does text her later in the day instead. He'll say something like "at a show right now and can't talk, what's up?" So in your case I'd probably emphasize again that you don't like to talk on the phone and see how it goes.
Post by imojoebunny on Jan 17, 2020 18:12:22 GMT -5
Have you tried just texting back in response to her voice mails? Honestly, I sometimes just call people because I am usually physically moving during the day when I think of things that need to be coordinated, and I am at an age where I need readers to see text well. I am happy to get a quick text back, with the important questions answered. I don't need a call back.
If you feel that you are trapped into a long phone call, then try to get the convo back to the needed info, like tomorrow at 6, and then say you have to leave, go to the bathroom, or need two hands, and say gotta go, or just do not answer, and text back your reply later, no harm, no foul.
I’d be more direct about this. Just saying “I’m not much of a phone person” isn’t super clear. Be more clear about what works for you and what doesn’t.
That’s tough because I’ve had people that I used to have phone conversations with tell me they don’t use the phone anymore but then I never hear from them via text. My interpretation is that they didn’t want to be friends then since they never texted me. Then they were upset that we weren’t friends. So I guess that can go badly for people who actually still want to be friends. I’ve also had people be upfront they are not phone people so we emailed and that worked fine. Caveat- this was during the transition period several years ago now when people were moving from phone to text at varying times as a society.
I guess I don’t mind if people call but I can’t have long phone conversations, so I just say hey I have to go get dinner ready or whatever it is I need to do.
Post by sapphireblue on Jan 17, 2020 19:16:59 GMT -5
I must say that I would probably not continue to pursue the friendship.
It just seems like a fundamental mismatch.
I would find myself becoming increasingly annoyed at the calls until I would be seething with rage everytime I saw her name come up on my caller ID.
I mean, maybe not that harsh, but I feel like someone like that just is not someone who is really going to click with me on any meaningful level and I don't have time for that.
I must say that I would probably not continue to pursue the friendship.
It just seems like a fundamental mismatch.
I would find myself becoming increasingly annoyed at the calls until I would be seething with rage everytime I saw her name come up on my caller ID.
I mean, maybe not that harsh, but I feel like someone like that just is not someone who is really going to click with me on any meaningful level and I don't have time for that.
This.
I am ghosting someone now for this very reason. She called BEFORE SCHOOL. WTAF. Who TF has time to talk when you are trying to get everyone out of the house?! I got so ragey and just dreaded the phone ringing.
seriously!! Big picture - if there is no room for middle ground with this woman and she isn’t open to understanding what works for the OP, ok, then maybe it’s time to back away.
But from the description, this is still all new. It seems really quick and early to just walk away with making no attempt to with it out.
I have a friend like this; she just keeps calling and leaving a voicemail, and I just keep texting back. And on and on for the past eight years, lol. When we get together, everything is great.
No calling! Just texting! But don’t expect a text back until 48.4 hours have past because we have lives! But you have to call if the text is too long! But no calling because we hate talking and also we have lives!
Last Edit: Jan 17, 2020 21:01:25 GMT -5 by Leeham Rimes
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
I personally am always looking for some new, quality friendships, so I would hesitate to write someone off based on that, BUT I do not talk on the phone. Only, really, to my mom, and that is not frequent. SO, take that for what it is worth. My BFF moved from NY to FL a few years ago, and she is way more of a save everything up and catch up on the phone, and I am more of a random text exchange 1-2 times a week! It is hard, but we make it work because we are so close. We do most of our catching up 2x a year in person. I have found that over time, I have gotten bad at talking on the phone. I seem to talk at the same time as the other person, don't pause at the right times, etc.
I must say that I would probably not continue to pursue the friendship.
It just seems like a fundamental mismatch.
I would find myself becoming increasingly annoyed at the calls until I would be seething with rage everytime I saw her name come up on my caller ID.
I mean, maybe not that harsh, but I feel like someone like that just is not someone who is really going to click with me on any meaningful level and I don't have time for that.
This.
I am ghosting someone now for this very reason. She called BEFORE SCHOOL. WTAF. Who TF has time to talk when you are trying to get everyone out of the house?! I got so ragey and just dreaded the phone ringing.
See, and I would MUCH prefer a quick phone call before school to deal with something instead of having to stop, pick up my phone, read, text, stop again, read/reply again....rinse and repeat. Mornings are rushed. I don’t have time to be staring at my phone. Just call me, chat for 90 seconds, and move on.
I also find the older I get, the less I want to text. I prefer a 5 minute phone conversation where I can do other things while I’m taking instead of stopping to pick up my phone every 30 seconds.
OP - just tell her you often can’t answer your phone prefer to make plans via text. If she leaves a voicemail, return it via text. She’ll get the idea. I wouldn’t bail on a new friendship just because of this.
I am ghosting someone now for this very reason. She called BEFORE SCHOOL. WTAF. Who TF has time to talk when you are trying to get everyone out of the house?! I got so ragey and just dreaded the phone ringing.
See, and I would MUCH prefer a quick phone call before school to deal with something instead of having to stop, pick up my phone, read, text, stop again, read/reply again....rinse and repeat. Mornings are rushed. I don’t have time to be staring at my phone. Just call me, chat for 90 seconds, and move on.
I also find the older I get, the less I want to text. I prefer a 5 minute phone conversation where I can do other things while I’m taking instead of stopping to pick up my phone every 30 seconds.
OP - just tell her you often can’t answer your phone prefer to make plans via text. If she leaves a voicemail, return it via text. She’ll get the idea. I wouldn’t bail on a new friendship just because of this.
Oh interesting, I feel like I have to stop everything to talk on the phone which is why I hate it. Also her calls are never 5 minutes lol.
No calling! Just texting! But don’t expect a text back until 48.4 hours have past because we have lives! But you have to call if the text is too long! But no calling because we hate talking and also we have lives!
This place is the absolute best.
Also - how many threads have there been where there has been some sort of misunderstanding/unclear communication via text/email, and the advice is “just call them/you need to talk to them.”
Post by penguingrrl on Jan 17, 2020 23:22:03 GMT -5
I definitely think this is an easy thing to rectify. I’m not a phone person because I can’t multitask while on the phone but can in between texts. It seems easy enough to let it go to voicemail and respond via text. I can’t imagine questioning a friendship over something so little.
I am ghosting someone now for this very reason. She called BEFORE SCHOOL. WTAF. Who TF has time to talk when you are trying to get everyone out of the house?! I got so ragey and just dreaded the phone ringing.
See, and I would MUCH prefer a quick phone call before school to deal with something instead of having to stop, pick up my phone, read, text, stop again, read/reply again....rinse and repeat. Mornings are rushed. I don’t have time to be staring at my phone. Just call me, chat for 90 seconds, and move on.
I also find the older I get, the less I want to text. I prefer a 5 minute phone conversation where I can do other things while I’m taking instead of stopping to pick up my phone every 30 seconds.
OP - just tell her you often can’t answer your phone prefer to make plans via text. If she leaves a voicemail, return it via text. She’ll get the idea. I wouldn’t bail on a new friendship just because of this.
It would never occur to me to call someone at such an ungodly hour of the morning (we leave for school at 7:40). But the only people I have ever been in touch with that early are texts regarding carpooling (mostly “I’m here” or “kid’s sick, can’t carpool today” type texts) or my mom to coordinate walking a few miles after drop off. But if I had my morning routine interrupted for a phone call my kids would undoubtedly be late because I barely can pull it together in the morning. A 5 minute phone call would entire derail our schedule lol!
If you like this person and want to continue having a relationship with her, I think you need to compromise. Answer the phone when you have time to chat, otherwise just text her back and let her know you can’t talk.
I also think it’s important to reiterate to her that you’re not a phone person and you won’t always be able to get on the phone, but that you value her friendship and don’t want her to read anything into you not wanting to chit chat on the phone all the time.
I would NOT ghost her. That just seems so shitty when you otherwise get along great.
The “Sorry, can’t talk right now” quick-reply was made for situations like this.
She calls when you’re scrambling to get the kids out the door? Quick-reply, then follow up a few hours later with “Crazy morning trying to get the kids out the door! Can I call you later?” Then call when you have a few minutes. I like to call when I’m in the car (on hands-free obviously) since I have decent commute. At any rate, you can start the phone call with something like “I have ten minutes before my next meeting, how are you?”
I agree that if you want to pursue a friendship, there may be a way to compromise here. There’s a good chance you’ll fall into a call/text rhythm that works for both of you. If not, you can reassess and pull back at that point.
I wouldn't write her off quite yet. Have you met up with her in person yet to hang out?
I would do the tactic others have mentioned of replying to a call with "Sorry can't talk, but can we get together at X time?" Then in person, I would be more straightforward about what's not working for you with the phone calling. Something like, "Hey, I love talking to you and getting to know you when we hang out face to face, but I am on the phone all day long for my job, and I just don't like talking on the phone to people--to anyone! For making arrangements or quick chats throughout the day, I really only like to text." See if that makes a difference.
Does she know you're not a phone person? Have you even mentioned it yet? (I just skimmed the OP--maybe you have?) Communicate with her on the phone to let her know that you prefer texting, and give the reasons why. If you don't see a change in behavior--like she just isn't accepting what you have politely asked for, or she continues taking up your time with long-winded conversations, then I guess it's time to look for a new friend.
To me the issue is not a text/phone call preference. The issues are conveying your preferences in a clear, polite manner, and if she will respect your request. If she doesn't, don't settle for a domineering new friend. Move on. Besides she may be able to find a friend just as phone chatty as she is.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I am ghosting someone now for this very reason. She called BEFORE SCHOOL. WTAF. Who TF has time to talk when you are trying to get everyone out of the house?! I got so ragey and just dreaded the phone ringing.
See, and I would MUCH prefer a quick phone call before school to deal with something instead of having to stop, pick up my phone, read, text, stop again, read/reply again....rinse and repeat. Mornings are rushed. I don’t have time to be staring at my phone. Just call me, chat for 90 seconds, and move on.
I also find the older I get, the less I want to text. I prefer a 5 minute phone conversation where I can do other things while I’m taking instead of stopping to pick up my phone every 30 seconds.
OP - just tell her you often can’t answer your phone prefer to make plans via text. If she leaves a voicemail, return it via text. She’ll get the idea. I wouldn’t bail on a new friendship just because of this.
Same. Even more so since I got a hearing aid streamer. The phone call goes straight to my ear, I wear a microphone, and I don't even have to hold my phone and can walk up to about 50 feet away from it. So my mom/ sister and I can have long meandering conversations while I'm cleaning up or cooking or doing laundry. And texting would be annoying.
To the OP, I agree with the middle ground. Text if you can, let calls go to voicemail if you don't have time to talk, call back when it's convenient, and actually tell her you prefer texting.