MOOKs showering and hygiene

[waverly]

DS has no motivation to shower, brush his hair or teeth, or clip his nails. He is 9, and considering all the teen boy stories I’ve heard this will likely be his mentality I am guessing until his classmates tell him he is stinky or he wants to impress someone.

I also have a DH problem. I don’t actually know what his problem is like the underlying reasoning or motivation, but I guess it comes from being controlling especially over the time of activities. Basically he never has helped bathe the kids ever. When I suggest to DS that he showers DH always says no now is not the right time. I guess he thinks all showers should happen only at 8:30pm and not before or after. He never reminds DS to shower, and I guess I am tired of being that person that has to do it especially because I am also managing DD. If I suggest a shower any other time of the day he protests nor does he ask DS to shower at night either.

DH does a lot and actually our chores are pretty close to 50/50. I just have a few things that get under my skin and this is one of them. I would like DS to take over independently. He is old enough to do so. How do I do this without nagging. I guess I am tired of nagging and demanding for it to be done especially if I explain to DH hey he hasn’t showered in days and DH says oh not right now like way to back me up on this. We’ve talked about it many times but nothing changes. His opinion is that children should be dirty (as in playing outside, so he basically doesn’t care and even though he won’t admit it I think he wasn’t great at hygiene at a younger age either).

Also it doesn’t help we only have 1 shower. We do plan to add a bathroom but it will be $$$, so it may be 1-2 years. But I don’t think that is the actual problem.

ETA- I am a to do list type person so I like to get things done. It’s not summer so he’s not going to get dirty and need to shower at the end of the day. It can be in the morning or any time we are at home not doing anything just watching TV or hanging around the house. My issue is I have 2 people protesting instead of just 1. Lots of times I ignore DH and just do it anyway, but basically it’s always been like this. And it doesn’t make sense to me why he doesn’t back me up. We try hard to back each other up on parenting and we are close I would say 90%, so it’s just strange to me that he just doesn’t see an issue with it.

Is it weird to tie hygiene to his allowance?

[whitemerlot]

Do you have any kind of schedule or routine in place for this? My oldest is 10 and be showers every other night, and brushes teeth twice a day. He flosses at night. Can you cut his hair short so he doesn’t have to brush it?

Have you had any talks about puberty and things like using soap on feet and arm pits?

[expectantsteelerfan]

I think you are torn between wanting it done, and wanting to be go with the flow. If you want your son to shower regularly, it needs to become regular, as in, same time every day for the most part. So in your case, I would think about when the best time for that is, and then yes, I would make it a rule and tie some sort of reward/punishment to doing it, whatever you think will work best for your son. If that is allowance, then go for it. And I would talk to your dh, tell him this routine is important to you, and that whether he cares about it or not doesn't matter, but he needs to take responsibility in enforcing the rule just like any other rule.
Once it is a routine, you can then change the routine as needed (for example, my kids shower at night, but if we have a special occasion, they sometimes skip (as in like 2/3 times a year total), and they often shower before an event so as not to run out of time at night, and very occasionally, shower in the morning.  But they have a time they usually shower, and if we are home, they shower at that time every night. 
I do feel your pain though. My 10 year old showers regularly without issue, but sometimes his showers are literally 2 minutes long and I doubt how thorough he washes himself. And he brushes his teeth, but if I'm not upstairs to see that he really does, he'll tell me he did when he really didn't, or he'll rush through it super fast, so I do still try to supervise whenever possible. And he is also supposed to put on deodorant every day and bring a clean shirt every gym day (he's in middle school this year, which is a 6 day schedule, where he has gym on days 2 and 6, so not the same day of the week every week, so I REALLY can't keep up which days he's supposed to take a clean shirt) and bring home the dirty shirts to be washed. I am a control freak, but even I can't keep up with the reminders and the nagging it would take to get him to do everything to my standards, so for the most part, as long as he showers and brushes his teeth regularly, I let it go.
As for nails, he really likes to be independent, so if I notice they are too long or too filthy, I tell him he needs to take care of it or I will, and that is usually enough to make him do something. Again, not always up to my standards, but you can only do so much at this age, right?

[waverly]

We had a routine and somehow we lost it. I guess because I was getting push back from DS. It might have been when DH was traveling and wasn’t around and now he is.

I’ll work on making it a routine again. I know allowance for things you are supposed to do is a little controversial, but one of his goals was saving more money do it might be a good incentive.

You are right I am torn between go with the flow and routine. I am very routine orientated. DH says he is go with the flow but in reality that means me waiting around until he is ready to do something so we have some conflict there especially on weekends, and with young kids. Some of this has gotten easier as they get older. Like he could never understand why young kids couldn’t just eat when he wanted to typically 7 or 7:30pm when they would be starving at 5-6 and going to bed at 7:30.

[minniemouse]

I would try getting a book about hygiene for boys. I think American girl has a boy version of The Care and Keeping of You, the boys body book or something like that.
I also agree about getting on a schedule.
The dh issue is very strange, no advice there. I’m the one who keeps track of this stuff in my house but he never fights me on it.

[devonpow]

DS1 had to be reminded (and we got a lot of,”but I showered TWO DAYS AGO whhhyyyy do i need to shower now?? Lol) until he was about 11. Two things happened then - he started really caring about his hair/ girls kind of, and he went to overnight camp. Those two things have made him totally self sufficient lol (he’s about to turn 13). He showers right after he wakes up on school mornings and on the weekends kind of does it around sports practice/games. Hr takes care of his own nails, hair, what have you. So, hang in there and it will change at some point!

Now DS2 (almost 8) hates to bathe. He refuses showers (doesn’t like water on his face) and is a massive pain about taking a bath. I don’t even know what to do with him.

[waverly]

Jan 18, 2020 8:27:10 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

I would try getting a book about hygiene for boys. I think American girl has a boy version of The Care and Keeping of You, the boys body book or something like that.
I also agree about getting on a schedule.
The dh issue is very strange, no advice there. I’m the one who keeps track of this stuff in my house but he never fights me on it.

Right!? Fine if he doesn’t want to be the one to nag for showers, but if he doesn’t want to do it then why get in my way when I want to. I would ask him again but he’s fighting this terrible cold like coughing all the time so probably not the right time to pin him down for his subconscious thoughts 😂.

[readyin07]

I think in our house it’s always been part of the expected routine and that’s key. We live in Florida and the kids are outside daily. So we come in, dinner, shower and teeth before bed. No excuses and rare exceptions. My 10yo is pretty into hygiene so it’s never really a fight, but he’s starting to prefer morning showers. I’m fine with that, but if he is actively dirty (comes In really sweaty etc) then I tell him he needs one before bed and that’s not negotiable.

I would probably sit down with all household members and say that it’s important we get back into this as a usual routine so here’s what’s going to happen. And I might positively reinforce it with points towards something he wants Until we get there routinely.

I would sit down with h and say he’s being weird about this and ask why!

[waverly]

We just did a mini family meeting where I was like boys we have a problem. Boys when would be some good times to shower? And told DS it was now tied to his allowance so we’ll see how that goes.

[imojoebunny]

I will say that my DS was not good about showering at 9, but got much better on his own at 10. He often showers now when he gets home from school. He walks to and from school, with a lot of play along the way, and comes home stinky pretty often, so I think some of it is peer pressure because if he skips a day, he will stink in the morning by the time he gets to school, and other kids will say stuff. Hope you plan works. I got nothing on how to fix a DH :-)

[lolalolalola]

DD is 14 and I still have to remind her to have a shower every second day. It is what it is.

Meanwhile my 12 yo has a bath every night with no prompts.

This is so kid specific.

[joenali]

Just wait a few years. He won’t want to get out of the shower.

[jayhawk5]

DS was the same at that age. Like others have said, it was a few years of nagging to take a shower, and now he takes one daily and has good hygiene with no reminding. Frustrating stage though!