H does: laundry, lunches, morning and afternoon school runs, swimming, soccer, gymnastics, doctor/dentist
I do: homework, dinner, vioin, plus all planning and prepping of other activities like birthday parties, planning and prepping of family trips, hairdos
We both help with: getting ready for the day, getting ready for bed, hygiene (although DD is now almost 8 and requires less and less help/management with this).
Honestly, I wish he did more cleaning. He works part time from home, so I feel like he should be able to. He does routine stuff like toilets/kitchen but rarely routine picking up of clutter or vaccuming.
At this point now that I’m also full time and have a commute, my husband probably does more than I do. He is such a tremendous help to all of us pretty much all the time (see, my backpack containing “all the things” was stolen last weekend and he’s just so on it - calling the cops, canceling cards, wiping my phone remotely, reordering my license, buying me a new bag, etc. x100). He did all that between working his own “big” job, running carpool, cutting the grass, emptying the dishwasher, going for a run… etc. He does not miss a beat whereas sometimes I need to take a breather. I want to be more like him!
When I think about parenting tasks at this phase of life, though (kids are 10 & 12) they often tend to go by interest, personality, and circadian rhythm. That is, education and medicine are my jam, so I make most of the decisions relating to school and health. He does a lot of the grocery shopping, always trying to get deals, and I just don’t care about that quite as much right now. I’m extroverted so am the birthday party/wanting to know all the details parent; he’s more content to not know a ton in advance but will pick up any parental slack if I have one of my bajillion volunteer and/or social things. He’s an early bird and I’m the closer. It all works remarkably well.
I take care of everything up until 7:30 am on weekdays and 8:30 on weekends. Then thing even out. Or so I thought before I typed out the below 🤦🏻♀️
Me: all breakfasts, keep kids on track for getting ready, pack snacks, do most cooking, 95% of all school/activity/doctor, 75% of all laundry (H does his own and sometimes does the kids’), 85% grocery shopping, 90% house upkeep and bills
H: drop off, most pickups now (since I am doing most cooking, though it used to be more split), all dishes, whatever percentage of grocery/house upkeep etc I don’t do, cover most kids sick days, weekly farmers market, trampoline park every Sunday, probably some other things I am forgetting
Post by arehopsveggies on Oct 15, 2023 19:43:51 GMT -5
For years I did most of it because I was staying at home and breastfeeding
Now I work at the more hours/less flexible/higher paying job so it’s more balanced
Mornings- almost all DH. I help pack lunches and maybe some of the hair combing etc but he does most of it
Drop off- big goes with me (same school), he takes little Pick up- I do it, or I coordinate grandparent care if I can’t.
After school appointments- at least 2 every week plus play dates etc all on me. If the kids are at a grandparents because I had meetings- he picks them up
Evenings- I make dinner. He gets them ready for bed but I put them to bed.
He does 90% of the cleaning dishes etc. I do all the bill paying/mental load stuff.
Post by wanderingback on Oct 15, 2023 19:57:58 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for sharing! I think we’re starting to settle in to a routine. He is totally competent and takes care of a lot himself (does 95% of the cooking for example), but just trying to get in to the groove of things made me think about things a little more. Plus I work outside the home and he works for himself/at home so I have to navigate feeling like he has more free time when that’s not always the case.
It’s shifted over the years based on our careers, what our DC has needed and our natural abilities.
H will always be the more hands-on parent because he’s way more patient than I am. He makes lunches and cooks dinner, checks homework and quizzes them before tests, packs snacks and toys when we travel, plays games of make believe — all the stuff I’m either not good at or don’t like doing.
I’m better at the higher-level stuff. I plan birthday parties, schedule doctor’s appointments, buy clothes and school supplies — and increasingly now that we’ve hit the tween years, handle all the heart-to-hearts.
We split things like who does drop off/pick up, who takes time off when DC is sick, who goes to school conferences — we prioritize both careers equally when it comes to that kind of kid management stuff.
My H would be totally self-sufficient without me. The longest I’ve been away from home was nearly three weeks (not by choice, my dad was dying on the other side of the country) and my household did not miss a beat. I didn’t even get a single question.
I haven’t been away for that long but when I was away for several days, same as your H, everything went fine and there weren’t any questions. Of course he does things differently than me but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong! I have complete confidence that he can handle things on his own.
Post by gerberdaisy on Oct 16, 2023 7:46:58 GMT -5
Reading how well other people have things split was a little eye opening for me, in a pretty depressing way.
I'd say that H is responsible for mowing the lawn and calling people (like getting a quote for a project, or an exterminator when we had bees). Other than that, it's more just picking up the slack. Like I'm out for the night, so he puts the kids to bed, or brings a kid to practice every once in a while. If I'm out of town they survive, but it's expected that I meal prep, clean and schedule everything before I go. It's quite a point of contention in our marriage.
Evening routine is split pretty evenly. I work at DS' school so he comes home with me at 4pm (and goes to school with me in the mornings). I hang out with him and make dinner until H is done with work at 5:30/6pm. He WFH. After dinner H and DS hang out until bedtime routine. We both help him clean his room, I read with him and H sits and chats with him while he eats his snack. We take turns helping him brush his teeth.
I always make DS' lunch while I'm making my own. I have 100% of the mental load about clothing/shoe needs & scheduling dr appts & I take him to most of them as well. When we leave the house with DS I am 100% in charge of making sure we have everything we need for DS (inhaler, noise canceling headphones, figets etc).
I do all the laundry.
I stayed at home with DS full time or very close to full time until this past August when I got a position at the school he attends. I still do almost every day off as well because we have the same schedule 98% of the time. So we're a work in progress as to how childcare tasks are split.
H and I will (and already have) split DS' sick days. I was very clear with H that our jobs are equally important even though I make significantly less money than him. Also, I get very few sick days before I have to start taking unpaid sick days. So there is that.
Post by redheadbaker on Oct 16, 2023 9:47:09 GMT -5
DS is almost 12, so I don't think much of this will be applicable for you with an infant, but ...
I work from home, H hours to the office three to four days a week. I wake DS up, make sure he eats, packs his lunch and his backpack, takes his medicine, and gets out the door on time (he walks to school).
H takes care of the dog (dragging him out of bed, feeding him, taking him outside).
At night, H cooks dinner (usually a meal for us and something for DS, I just don't have the energy to wage food battles right now), and reminds DS to get a shower every other night and when to get ready for bed.
We try to balance our work/home responsibilities and then split the rest 50/50. I work 30 hr/wk during the school year with 3 months of holidays spread throughout, H works 40 hr/wk year round with about half of that working away. When I'm off I pick up most of the parenting/more of the housework. When we are home together in the evening it is an equal sprint to finish the chores so we can both relax together. When H works away, he preps on the weekend to alleviate the work I'll need to do during the week (food prep, laundry, outside chores, etc.)
I think we split the mental load pretty fairly. I carry a bit more, but it's because I'm picky and I have to acknowledge that. If I'm overwhelmed and a task falls to H, it *will* get done. Not the same way I'd do it, but our son is still loved and cared for, our home is secure, our finances are good.
In the early years I resented doing more of the physical labour. Strollers and diaper bags and the actual carrying of the child. Meal time, bathing, bedtime. It felt like a lot of work. Now DS is 9 and the physical work is pretty minimal, but it's more mental parenting work like navigating emotions, friendships, school work. I don't love this either, but I can delegate some of it to H over facetime
Post by sporklemotion on Oct 17, 2023 5:44:12 GMT -5
Like one others in this thread, we divide based on schedule and personality. In the end, it is probably 70/30, which I don’t love, but my 70 is getting easier as my kids get older and more independent.
I am more of a planner and he is more one to take things as they come, so that ends up making things less equitable. That said, he keeps me sane and calmer because h is less prone to over react to small bumps in the road.
I leave early in the AM. I make lunches, but all other morning stuff is on him. DD2 is more independent, but DD1 needs a little more prompting because she’s usually exhausted in the mornings.
He works most evenings, so dinner and activities fall to me. The girls are at dance for a solid chunk of time and it’s near my house, so food shopping and laundry often get done while they are at dance.
Mental load is mostly me. Time management and executive functioning are not DH’s strengths (he’d agree with this), so it’s easier and better for me to handle it. He has more flexibility in his work day, so he handles medical appointments and most unplanned sick days. Unfortunately, I often have to nag him about follow up appointments (eye doctor, orthodontist), but once a kid is in the rotation, he’ll handle it. I have done flu/COVID shots and stuff that is seasonal.
I handle activities because things tend to fill and he doesn’t always jump on them when they open. I also make sure to update our calendar because he doesn’t remember to.
When things have gotten bad, he will take over laundry since it’s more flexible and can be done around his schedule. He is also good about stepping up and doing anything else I ask, but he won’t necessarily do it proactively unless he sees that I’m stressing.
I do a lot. It used to make sense because I wfh, but now we both wfh and nothing has changed - if anything, I am doing more than ever.
I do dishes and laundry every day, plus pick up the house and make beds after the morning rush and again after the kids are in bed. I cook breakfast and make lunches, and cook ~half of the dinners.
I schedule and keep track of appointments for all of us and whatever school stuff needs to be done.
We have hired a house cleaner bi-weekly to help out, plus we hire out for yard work. My H does most of the grocery shopping since covid.
Part of this inequality is that my H does not value some things the same way I do, the house is clean enough in his eyes. In the same vein, I like things being done MY way, so I chose to make the kid's lunches.
I know I enable him to do less, but I don't want to wait for things to be done on his schedule. I like having clean underwear too much to just wait and see if he will pick up the slack.
This is our #1 argument, something we have still not figured out after 20 years together.
Post by wanderingback on Oct 17, 2023 13:00:49 GMT -5
In case anyone was wondering This is what we came up with…
He wakes her up and gets her ready and does all daycare drop offs and most pick ups except me 1 or 2 days I’ll do pick up.
He handles clothes stuff- looking to see what she needs, buying clothes, her laundry. He handles supplies for daycare- diapers, back up clothes, etc. He does bath time.
I do the daily get bottles ready (I’m still breastfeeding and pumping) and food prep for her and washing pump parts. I also handle medical appointments. After he does bath I do the rest of bedtime.
We both handle activities. Right now she goes to music class on Sat and we switch off taking her and swim on Sundays we both go. He handled all the communication with the music teacher and I did all the stuff for swimming.
Things that are unchanged- he still does 95% of the cooking and most of the grocery shopping. We each do our own laundry. He does more of the daily pick up (unloads the dishwasher, vacuums, wipes down counters, etc) and I do more of the deep cleaning every couple of weeks.
Overall I think it’s a good balance and thankfully being parents has not changed the ease of our relationship. Thanks all for the ideas and feedback.