Age insecurity post--50ish

[nicolewi]

I just turned 49 and DH just turned 51. I'm starting to feel weird about my age. I mean...50! Fifty just sounds like a LOT more than 40-something. 

We had our youngest when I was just weeks from 40, so we are "the oldest parents" in her entire class save for one other mom I happen to know well from preschool days who is a couple years ahead of me. (DD announced this to me recently)

In years past, it seemed I was always on the younger side in friend groups, or in the middle. It's weird to be a lot older than many of the couples we know from school. Because of course, we still feel the same on the inside.

I just found out that one of my neighbors who I think of as being in a different age category than me (she has grown kids and 2 young grandkids) is only 8 years older than I am! And I realized that I am ten years older than my Girl Scout co-leader and 8 years older than some other friends of ours. 

I know I shouldn't feel weird about this but I do. I'm hestitant to say how old I am b/c I feel like people who are my peers in parenting/kid stuff/school relationships will see me differently if they realize they are just getting into their 40s and I'm almost hitting 50. 

Can anyone relate? Or do you have older friends and think nothing of it? Any words of wisdom? 

[starburst604]

I also was 39 when DD was born and nearly all of the friends we've met through school/sports are around 10 years younger than us, and we're both 48 now. Maybe it will be different when I cross over officially into my 50's, but right now it doesn't bother me. I feel like when you have similarly aged kids, younger parents just feel like contemporaries. Plus I feel pretty young at heart and most people are surprised when they learn my age, so hopefully having a kid later is just keeping me young! It's funny that we're starting to celebrate some of our OG friends turning 50 while also attending 40th parties for others!

[sdlaura]

Yes, I have four kids so I felt like I was on the younger or average age side when my oldest was a baby, but now I'm on the older side of the parents of preschoolers. I'll be 43 this spring and DH will be 48. I used to feel like I was young all around - in my marriage, in my career, etc. but now I feel old in some contexts and young in others.

I'm getting a tummy tuck in a few weeks and the surgeon was saying "young moms like you generally recover very quickly" and I told her how it's funny to be called a "young mom" in the context of cosmetic surgery, since I'm considered an "old mom" with the preschool parent set.

DH would come back from my kindergartner's soccer practice last fall and say "I just finished hanging out with all the kids" - he meant the other parents of kindergartners

I'm really making an effort to hang out with the other kindergarten parents. I really like them and I also want to know DS2's parent friends, especially because many of those kids have younger siblings who are my preschooler's age. But I wonder if I seem really old to them. I'm glad to be in an industry work-wise where age is viewed generally as an asset (investment advisory - it's good to have been working through multiple market cycles).

[mrsGreeko]

I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum in that I had my oldest when I was 24. She’s almost 18 (other kids are almost 15 and 12) and I’m almost 42. A lot of my mom friends from DD1 are in their 50’s. I don’t care, we are going through a lot of the same things. I don’t really think that hard about whether they are older than me or not. The only time it was a tiny bit weird was finding out one of DD1’s friends’ moms was actually older than my own mom. My parents were 42 when DD1 was born so it happens on occasion, but it no longer takes me off guard.

If anything I think some of the older moms feel weird about my age more than I feel weird about their age.

ETA: my DH is also 7 years older than me so that might play into my own feelings about age and it not mattering all that much of you are in the same stage of life generally.

[expectantsteelerfan]

My book club friends are my closest 'mom' friends, and 1 of them I went to high school with so I know she graduated the same year as me, and another was my college roommate, so again, same age as me. The other members are all people I met through book club, and we've been meeting for 9 years now (which seems crazy in itself). When I turned 40 last year, I had my dh invite them to the gathering he was having for me. This led to us discussing birthdays, and 40th birthdays in particular. We found out one of the members is actually much older than the rest of us, 2 are about 5 years younger, and there was a good group of us that were all turning 40 that year or the next. In my head, we are all 'the same' because we all like each other and like doing similar things, have kids of varying ages, etc. So I totally forget that one is older and 2 are younger unless I actively think about it.

[waverly]

nicolewi, I think the thing about having more kids is that they are spread out more age wise and then you all spend more time in those parenting years. Maybe even young parents with the oldest and then older parents with the youngest. It is weird though when I have friends from college whose kids have graduated high school and are in college now; and then I have other friends from college with toddlers.

In our friend group, we are about average. It just worked out that way accidentally. But there are plenty of mom's that are younger than us with younger kids; we just don't happen to see them as much. I do have older friends and think nothing of it in terms of our friendship.

[meowmaps]

I can relate. I had my kids at 35 and 38. A few months back we were on a play date with a friend from DD1’s old preschool and we were socializing with the parents. Very nice people. At some point we were talking about how we were raised vs. how we’re raising our kids and I made a reference to being a kid in the 80s…they were born in the 90s! I knew they were younger than us but not by a whole decade!

I actually think we “older parents” are more the norm these days. Generally we’re either only a little older or right around the age of the other parents. My closest mom friend has a few months on me and she had her one and done at 35. I think for me self-consciousness comes less from my actual age and more from how I present. I don’t care that I’m 41 but I do care that I can barely manage to shower two days in a row, maintain my roots, wear anything nicer than yoga pants and t-shirts, etc. I feel frumpy and that makes me look and feel older and that’s bad for me mentally.

[cmeon]

Happy belated birthday!

I am very middle of the pack with my first at 28 and my second at 30. Not to be all "age is just a number" in here- but it really doesn't impact my friendship groups.

[wanderingback]

I really don’t know the age of people I’ve met the past few years, including friends I’ve made that are a mom. I have a close "mom group" of 5 that we text almost daily with toddlers all around the same age and I only know one’s age because she mentioned she didn’t want to have anymore kids since she had her first at age 43, the others no clue how old they are.

My partner is 11 years older than me in his early 50s. He in particular has a wide range of friends both parents and not parents from their 20s to their 70s so it’s kind of our norm to be hanging out with people in a wide age group and it’s never made either of us feel insecure or like we don’t have things in common with our friends that are different ages.

[sandandsea]

I don’t think age matters at all honestly and wouldn’t worry about it. I had my kids in my 30s and am ancient to some and a baby to others depending their preconceived notions. I don’t think there’s any right age to be and don’t care so much about what others think so I really wouldn’t spend another second worrying about it.

[momin2013]

I’m about to turn 48, and honestly, I’m caring less about my age the older I get. I think it goes along with the fact that I care a lot less about other things as well (ie what other people think of me, what other people think about what I do/say/how I dress, etc.

In my experience so far, aging is very freeing.

[dochas]

I'm curious - did you treat people you thought were older differently?

I never understood why people lied about their age until I had a child at 40. People are awful and ridiculous and act like age is something you can catch. I don't lie but I don't offer it up either. I grew up surrounded by people of all ages and the way people cling to their "groups" now is so limiting.

[ECB]

I'm 54. Had DS a month before I turned 39. So I feel you!

But - I have an array of friends at all age markers. Our college friends, who are our age. Then a lot of moms who had kids earlier than me, but our kids are friends. But I actually know a fair amount of women who are all in their early 50s and late 40s. So not all that off from me.

There's' a lot of things about aging that I don't like - but I feel that when people have kids is SUCH a wide berth, that I'm not too focused on that part of it all.

[meanie]

I promise you that other parents are not judging you based on your age. Our school is K - 8 so there is a wide range of parent's ages and I just think the older parents have their shit together and I look like a hot mess in comparison.

Our friend group is upper 30's - 60's and we all have fun together, yes there are times I don't get a reference but we are friends because of all that we do have in common - kids are similar ages, personality types gel, etc.

[noodleoo]

Feb 12, 2024 14:27:22 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I also was 39 when DD was born and nearly all of the friends we've met through school/sports are around 10 years younger than us, and we're both 48 now. Maybe it will be different when I cross over officially into my 50's, but right now it doesn't bother me. I feel like when you have similarly aged kids, younger parents just feel like contemporaries. Plus I feel pretty young at heart and most people are surprised when they learn my age, so hopefully having a kid later is just keeping me young! It's funny that we're starting to celebrate some of our OG friends turning 50 while also attending 40th parties for others!

I'm in the exact same place!  I was 39 when I had DD2.  I just scheduled a babysitter for my friends 50th bday party and I definitely felt weird telling the 20 year old babysitter that.  It shouldn't matter, but yes, it absolutely feels weird. 

My parents friends group are a mix of ages, but I'm usually the oldest or second oldest.  I've noticed I tend to feel more comfortable with the older moms.  We have some neighbors that we're close with who had kids young, so they are literally 10 and 13 years younger than us.  I made a comment about something and the wife said "I was in middle school when that happened!" and I must admit, that stung.  They're super nice and we enjoy their company, but I notice the age gap sometimes.  I also wonder if we will stay friends after the kids are older (currently 5) and don't need us to hang out with the kids.

[leahcar]

I had my first at 25 and my last in my mid-30s. So I am the young-ish parent with my oldest and on the older end of things with my youngest. It's totally fine both ways. Most of my friends skew my age and older. I find that kids the same age kind of neutralizes most age differences.

[shauni27]

one of my dearest friends who I spend a huge amount of time with just turned 50. I am 39 (the youngest of our friend group) and while we tease each other about our age differences, in reality it has no impact on our friendship or how I think of her.

[shauni27]

also, maybe it is because of where we live but we see such a diverse age difference in the parents of classmates for S. Some of the kids have parents in their mid 40s and 50s. Some in their early 20s. Most seem to be in their late 30s, but it really is a huge range.

Two of my dear friends both just had babies in their early 40s (43).

[nicolewi]

I don’t think I treat older people differently, but I definitely thought of people 10 years older than me as being… well, older! Like they would know more, or were at a different stage of their life with things, or might be doing different things socially. And I do think the younger couples might be less likely to invite us to hang out with them, even if they like us generally, b/c they might just figure we have other friends/interests.

But, other than parenting, I’ve never been in the position of being in a peer group with a shared experience and having people older than me. In the parenting peer world, I've always been on the older end. It just hits a lot harder as you get close to 50, at least for me. 

I was almost 34, almost 36, almost 38, and almost 40 with our kids.

I’m glad other people get it a bit. How you can sometimes feel a little weird.

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm 45 with a 2 year old, and most of the women around me had kids 35+. So not uncommon where I live. 



It's annoying when younger moms tell me they'd be so tired if they had kids in their 40s. You are tired because you are raising kids. If you were 40 and childless, I don't think you'd feel that tired. *shrug*

[Saudade]

On the opposite end, I feel super insecure because I’m way younger than the moms of my kids’ school mates. I had my kids young in an area where it was the norm. Then I moved to an area where it’s not the norm. I also look like a baby myself. So I’m super self-conscious about it even though I know it doesn’t make a difference.

[nicolewi]

I wish more moms around here had kids around 40! Then I wouldn’t feel like such an anomaly.

[somersault72]

My kids are 10 years apart (had my oldest at 27 and my youngest at 37). I am on the young side of moms for my son's grade. There are younger moms but most are my age or a little older. A few are several years older.

So I was surprised to be the "old" mom at kindergarten this year. I mean, I knew there would be people younger than me for sure, but I know plenty of people who have had kids into their 40s so I am surprised to not really see anyone around my age. Well, I take that back there is another mom a couple years old her than me and our kids are in the same grade but not the same class. They went to preschool together. We definitely seem to be the outliers though.

I might care more when my oldest graduates, since I have "mom friends" in our district and have for awhile now, but likely won't see most of them as often because only 1 of them as a little like me (she has a 1st grader).

As far as getting older, I don't feel old. I feel TIRED but honestly I feel like I've been tired since I've been a mother, so almost 16 years now. My cousin posted about turning 25 this year and all the shit that happened in 1999 and I was like wait, I graduated HS 25 years ago this year?? That doesn't seem possible!

Sometimes birthdays are hard. 30 was rough for me. Of course I got divorced 2 weeks after I turned 30. 35 I struggled with as well. 40 was NBD. Who knows how I'll feel about 50.

[felicity]

I had our DD at 40 so I have felt this at times, although I try to not let it get to me. When I had DS at 32 it wasn’t as big of an age gap to be friendly with moms who were in their 20s or 40s. Now though I definitely meet other moms frequently who are 10+ years younger but if we get along well and have stuff in common I’m happy to still be friends with them! I think if you feel insecure it’ll show, but there’s really nothing to be insecure about. Like if they care that I text like an old lady or don’t know all the current trends, well then they aren’t really someone I want to be friends with anyway haha.

[7costanza]

I was on the younger side for my area when DS1 was born (28) and am the youngest in our group of parent friends, by 10+ years in some cases. I only know that because I’ve been to or heard about various milestone birthdays over the years. I have never given the age of other parents a second thought, we’re all going through the same stuff with kids, careers, life, and to me, feel like peers.

[ssmjlm]

I don’t really think about this. DH was 40 when E was born and I think he thought he would be a good bit older, when in reality he’s not.

Honestly, my 40s are fantastic so far. I love giving no fucks. I also think it helps having a good chunk of life under my belt to talk to my kid. I was an idiot at 25 and would be growing up and raising a kid at the same time. Hard pass.

[erbear]

My work friends are all between 5-10 years older than me. I'm the baby at 45. 

Of my mom friends, I'm one of the youngest (I had my kids at 30 and 32). Of my college friends (we're all about the same age), I have the oldest kids by a few years...I was a young mom in that group.

I don't generally have a lot of friends younger than me. I work with some very young teachers (15-20 years younger) but we don't really hang -- we're a much different generation.

Getting older hasn't bothered me largely because my friends are all older so 50 doesn't seem old -- they don't seem old and I don't feel old. I also teach middle school so spending all day with 13-14 year olds makes me alternatively stay very young and feel ancient, lol.

[livinitup]

You get used to it.

I had my DD at 35 and I noticed moms my age were on their 3rd even though I was in my 1st. No big deal. “Other moms” suddenly stops being an issue when kids hit high school anyway. DD is in 10th grade and my friends have kids at all ages of all ages.

The thing about being in your fifties that’s great is how much you don’t give a shit about other people any more.

It’s glorious.

[loira]

I had my DD at 32. Of my DD's friends who are firstborns or only children, I tend to be about the same age as the parents. She also has a couple of friends who are the youngest and who have siblings in high school, and their parents are generally older than me. I never really thought about it until now. My parents had my sister when I was 14 and I do remember them saying they occasionally got mistaken for grandparents, but that was 20 years ago and I think people are generally having kids later these days, at least where I live.

[fn2187]

After 30, numbers don’t matter