We got a save the date for DH’s cousin, but E’s name wasn’t on it.
MIL says she’s invited per DH’s aunt.
Honestly, I don’t care if she is or not. The wedding is in NYC, so we’re not going to go up there w/o her. The plan if she’s not invited is get 2 rooms and have my mom come with so we can do NYC stuff before the wedding and then she and my mom can hang at the hotel while we go to the wedding.
I would say that they are not obligated to help you if they didn't want to, but when they are basically inviting you to ask for their help and then refusing, that does seems strange.
This is exactly it. My mom will comment about how they're always there, and how much they want to help us, and then they'll refuse or accept but be very weird about it when either my sister or I asks. Heck, my sister had to stay with our parents for a few days when she had a double mastectomy two weeks ago (her boyfriend got a bad GI bug the night before her surgery and she literally couldn't stay in their home with him until he was recovered) and my dad was huffy and put out that she needed help in the middle of the night getting water, getting out of bed to use the bathroom, etc... The mixed messages are infuriating.
Have you ever asked why they do that? Not in the heat of the moment, but in the hey, do you realize when I do need help, you don’t offer or bitch about it? Do you think they are oblivious.
I would say that they are not obligated to help you if they didn't want to, but when they are basically inviting you to ask for their help and then refusing, that does seems strange.
This is exactly it. My mom will comment about how they're always there, and how much they want to help us, and then they'll refuse or accept but be very weird about it when either my sister or I asks. The mixed messages are infuriating.
It sounds like they are very protective of their home routine. I know so many people who got like this in retirement. It’s like they cannot handle any disruption to their schedule or how the house is (like for storing stuff) anymore even though they want to be helpful.
My own parents were always really into watching our dogs when we went away on vacation and were really great at it but had some really unrealistic expectations when we’d experience flight delays or anything else that came up.
Once they had the dogs for 14 days (no complaints, talked constantly how fun it was) then our flight got canceled and we ended up driving home from NJ unexpectedly in a rental in the middle of the night (rather than wait 2 days for another flight) and they insisted we pick up the dogs right away rather than letting us wait until morning. We had to pick up our car at BWI and drop off the rental that same night.
We were up for 36 hrs before we even got to NJ. Having to pick up the dogs (because we had said we were going to that day!) added so many hours to our getting home.
It was really frustrating because they would constantly offer to help (and it was helpful!) but if anything was out of the plan, they could not adapt. They were not old either! My mom would have still been in her 50s.
This is exactly it. My mom will comment about how they're always there, and how much they want to help us, and then they'll refuse or accept but be very weird about it when either my sister or I asks. Heck, my sister had to stay with our parents for a few days when she had a double mastectomy two weeks ago (her boyfriend got a bad GI bug the night before her surgery and she literally couldn't stay in their home with him until he was recovered) and my dad was huffy and put out that she needed help in the middle of the night getting water, getting out of bed to use the bathroom, etc... The mixed messages are infuriating.
Have you ever asked why they do that? Not in the heat of the moment, but in the hey, do you realize when I do need help, you don’t offer or bitch about it? Do you think they are oblivious.
Signed, daughter of often oblivious parents.
My sister and I agree that our dad knows what he's doing. It's like he thinks it's still his job to teach us lessons about existing in the real world even though we're in our 40's and have more than proved we know how to be independent grown ups. Calling him out on it is something we've discussed, but in the end we've decided it wouldn't change his behavior, only make him more hostile towards us (which would hurt our mom). Retirement has not done good things for his mental health, and he's repeatedly refused to go to therapy. Pretty ironic because he spent 40 years working as a clinical therapist. Mom doesn't like to rock the boat, so while she's oblivious to some things, she just ignores his behavior towards us when it's like this for the sake of keeping the peace.
Mostly I just need to stop having any expectations that they mean what they say about wanting to be helpful. Little things like picking up my kids from school and dropping them at my house when I have a doctor's appointment I can count on their help for, but anything bigger than that will only end in frustration on my end.
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Apr 5, 2024 18:43:34 GMT -5
nsl- I am never going to retire. The decline in my parents’ health and mental status upon their retirement seals the deal. It also happened to my grandmother.
nsl - I am never going to retire. The decline in my parents’ health and mental status upon their retirement seals the deal. It also happened to my grandmother.
Ditto. I am my father's daughter in many ways, and I'm certain this is one of them. I will keep working in whatever capacity I can for as long as I'm physically able because I know retirement will do awful things to my mental health. Just having summers off doesn't do good things for me, and my kids are now old enough that I'll be getting summer jobs from this point forward to stave off the inevitable malaise and depression.
sent I'm sorry that you've also got the hot/cold parental support game going. It's such a mental game of chess trying to figure out when you can ask for and receive help without judgment and when it's just going to evaporate or blow up in your face.
nsl- I am never going to retire. The decline in my parents’ health and mental status upon their retirement seals the deal. It also happened to my grandmother.
My mom retires after this school year. I'm getting nervous 😬
This is exactly it. My mom will comment about how they're always there, and how much they want to help us, and then they'll refuse or accept but be very weird about it when either my sister or I asks. The mixed messages are infuriating.
It sounds like they are very protective of their home routine. I know so many people who got like this in retirement. It’s like they cannot handle any disruption to their schedule or how the house is (like for storing stuff) anymore even though they want to be helpful.
My own parents were always really into watching our dogs when we went away on vacation and were really great at it but had some really unrealistic expectations when we’d experience flight delays or anything else that came up.
Once they had the dogs for 14 days (no complaints, talked constantly how fun it was) then our flight got canceled and we ended up driving home from NJ unexpectedly in a rental in the middle of the night (rather than wait 2 days for another flight) and they insisted we pick up the dogs right away rather than letting us wait until morning. We had to pick up our car at BWI and drop off the rental that same night.
We were up for 36 hrs before we even got to NJ. Having to pick up the dogs (because we had said we were going to that day!) added so many hours to our getting home.
It was really frustrating because they would constantly offer to help (and it was helpful!) but if anything was out of the plan, they could not adapt. They were not old either! My mom would have still been in her 50s.
My ILs have pulled the same stunts.
It should be studied.
This feels like how MIL is. If it’s on her terms, she’s all in. And she’ll offer to do things. But you really can’t ask because when you do she says yes but then she’s resentful.
She wanted to take Winnie when we went skiing, but she wasn’t doing a good job maintaining a potty schedule with her. She’s a puppy and we just got her so she’s understandably not 100% house broken. MIL complained and complained (mixed with texts about how great she is) so we came home early and picked her up. She was so put out that we did that.
nsl- I am never going to retire. The decline in my parents’ health and mental status upon their retirement seals the deal. It also happened to my grandmother.
My mom retires after this school year. I'm getting nervous 😬
Fwiw, I think keeping active is key. My parents have been retired for over 10 years and are still quite sharp. But, they have a small farm which keeps them busy every day. I do think they'd be in a very different place if they were sitting around watching TV all day.
My mom retires after this school year. I'm getting nervous 😬
Fwiw, I think keeping active is key. My parents have been retired for over 10 years and are still quite sharp. But, they have a small farm which keeps them busy every day. I do think they'd be in a very different place if they were sitting around watching TV all day.
I definitely agree with this. Also personality, health, and money come into play. FIL and his gf are mid to late 70s and golf multiple times a week, go out with friends, walk, attend sporting events and shows, split their time between homes and FIL's 2nd home, and travel often. FIL has been retired 15 years and was a hard worker and loved his job and says he misses nothing about it.
nsl- I am never going to retire. The decline in my parents’ health and mental status upon their retirement seals the deal. It also happened to my grandmother.
I feel like in older age is when some people’s personalities really intensify. Like soup that’s been simmering too long on the stove.
Like my parents were always pretty routine focused and organized but every year they got more rigid about it even though they didn’t have kids at home or jobs with weird hours anymore which made their love of schedules make more sense. My ILs were always focused on themselves/each other but the last decade or so have been come incredibly self centered and in their own world.
On the other hand, I know older people who were really into volunteering and community work and that’s what kicked into high gear after retirement.
It sounds like they are very protective of their home routine. I know so many people who got like this in retirement. It’s like they cannot handle any disruption to their schedule or how the house is (like for storing stuff) anymore even though they want to be helpful.
My own parents were always really into watching our dogs when we went away on vacation and were really great at it but had some really unrealistic expectations when we’d experience flight delays or anything else that came up.
Once they had the dogs for 14 days (no complaints, talked constantly how fun it was) then our flight got canceled and we ended up driving home from NJ unexpectedly in a rental in the middle of the night (rather than wait 2 days for another flight) and they insisted we pick up the dogs right away rather than letting us wait until morning. We had to pick up our car at BWI and drop off the rental that same night.
We were up for 36 hrs before we even got to NJ. Having to pick up the dogs (because we had said we were going to that day!) added so many hours to our getting home.
It was really frustrating because they would constantly offer to help (and it was helpful!) but if anything was out of the plan, they could not adapt. They were not old either! My mom would have still been in her 50s.
My ILs have pulled the same stunts.
It should be studied.
This feels like how MIL is. If it’s on her terms, she’s all in. And she’ll offer to do things. But you really can’t ask because when you do she says yes but then she’s resentful.
She wanted to take Winnie when we went skiing, but she wasn’t doing a good job maintaining a potty schedule with her. She’s a puppy and we just got her so she’s understandably not 100% house broken. MIL complained and complained (mixed with texts about how great she is) so we came home early and picked her up. She was so put out that we did that.
There’s just no winning sometimes.
When we picked up the dogs, my parents asked when our next trip was so they could watch them again!! It was so bizarre.
My mom retires after this school year. I'm getting nervous 😬
Fwiw, I think keeping active is key. My parents have been retired for over 10 years and are still quite sharp. But, they have a small farm which keeps them busy every day. I do think they'd be in a very different place if they were sitting around watching TV all day.
Definitely. My parents' only activities were work, and I never really realized that. Once that was gone, they never really filled the space or time.
And then they'll both turn around in the next few weeks and say something about how I can always rely on them, or ask why we don't go to them for help more often.
THIS PART. Omg. I had the same theme for years with my mom and it truly did not compute.