Post by pursemeatballs on Oct 9, 2012 21:12:51 GMT -5
Lovebug, I hope that the people who took the time to share their heartbreaking stories with you are helping you to pull yourself out of your denial. I wasn't going to respond to this thread because so much has been said already and I'm sure that it's overwhelming, but I just couldn't stop thinking about what could happen to you and your child if you don't change your situation.
I could be wrong, but I'm assuming that you thought that YH's cocaine use wasn't an issue and that he would stop eventually. You suddenly realized that you're over halfway through your pregnancy and nothing has changed. You need to take that thinking a step further and realize that nothing is going to change unless you make it happen. You know that YH isn't in a place to stop using right now, and as PPs have pointed out, a newborn will not make him stop either. To put it bluntly, the first 2 months of having a baby are hell. You will get no sleep. Do you know what a sleep-deprived person who uses cocaine will turn to when they're tired? Do you understand how angry that person will be when they want a fix and it's not there and the baby won't stop crying?
You need to change the situation before your baby gets here. It's not going to get any easier; it's going to get a lot harder. Your child does not have to be raised by an addict and I know that you don't want your baby to be. That is why you have to admit to yourself that you're in denial about the situation. If you do not get out now, your baby will be raised in a home with an addict. Please ask your family or friends for help. You may be embarrassed, you may be ashamed, but wouldn't you endure embarrassment for a better life for you and your child? Leaving YH now doesn't mean that you don't love him; it means that you do.
To all the PPs who've shared their stories, hugs to you. I'm sorry that you've endured such pain.
Jesus Christ Booby. How the fuck is that going to help her or her baby?
the only thing that's going to help this baby is the cps. you know it and i know it.
Yeah, my ass is sitting right the fuck here.
These people are fucking winners, both of them and this kid is fucked for life unless or until a nice, stable, vetting by the state family comes in with an army of counselors, therapy, supportive family, and a good, solid education. Even then, IDK.
OP, you are not a horrible person. You are obviously capable of tremendous love and right now, you need to focus that love on your baby. Coming from the spouse of a former addict, I feel like (as many other people here have already pointed out) you need to be your H's wake up call- if you want to save the day, then you need something sharp to get through his drug induced fog, and if it is leaving (note- not divorcing) him, then so be it. If you need any help apartment searching, setting a budget, whatever, I am sure any number of people here would not hesitate to lend a hand, including me.
Post by melindafelinda on Oct 9, 2012 21:22:47 GMT -5
I feel very sorry for her. She has made horrible choices, but not everyone comes from a stable mental place and is as competent as others to think beyond immediate emotional responses. It doesnt sound like she is mentally healthy. I can have compassion even though I think she is making every wrong choice possible.
Yeah, I have compassion. But how far is that really going to get her? This poor lamb business is about as effective in spurring change as cutting up an addict's credit card.
Babies aren't the little engine that could.
FWIW, I don't think being able to raise a child should ever be a measure of whether or not you are a good person. Sometimes being a good person means knowing you are not capable of raising a child or that you aren't capable of raising a child in your current circumstances.
The fact that she isn't in a good position to provide for the emotional and mental needs of an infant doesn't make her a horrible person. Although, the line does become thin when you know you cannot do a decent job at this and attempt it anyway.
Post by melindafelinda on Oct 9, 2012 21:28:31 GMT -5
No, I know it doesn't help. I don't think anything will help honestly. They are all probably fucked for life in reality. She's not going to suddenly start making good life choices. So I feel sorry for them.
Lovebug, I hope that the people who took the time to share their heartbreaking stories with you are helping you to pull yourself out of your denial. I wasn't going to respond to this thread because so much has been said already and I'm sure that it's overwhelming, but I just couldn't stop thinking about what could happen to you and your child if you don't change your situation.
I could be wrong, but I'm assuming that you thought that YH's cocaine use wasn't an issue and that he would stop eventually. You suddenly realized that you're over halfway through your pregnancy and nothing has changed. You need to take that thinking a step further and realize that nothing is going to change unless you make it happen. You know that YH isn't in a place to stop using right now, and as PPs have pointed out, a newborn will not make him stop either. To put it bluntly, the first 2 months of having a baby are hell. You will get no sleep. Do you know what a sleep-deprived person who uses cocaine will turn to when they're tired? Do you understand how angry that person will be when they want a fix and it's not there and the baby won't stop crying?
You need to change the situation before your baby gets here. It's not going to get any easier; it's going to get a lot harder. Your child does not have to be raised by an addict and I know that you don't want your baby to be. That is why you have to admit to yourself that you're in denial about the situation. If you do not get out now, your baby will be raised in a home with an addict. Please ask your family or friends for help. You may be embarrassed, you may be ashamed, but wouldn't you endure embarrassment for a better life for you and your child? Leaving YH now doesn't mean that you don't love him; it means that you do.
To all the PPs who've shared their stories, hugs to you. I'm sorry that you've endured such pain.
Soooo scary, OP. More scary than anything you've ever imagined. Try it now. Violent chucking of baby at wall. I've seen this (in a video at a conference for child victim workers - one of H's CLE's). This is the last thing you want. If this or something similar happens, you will wish you had moved out even if it required sleeping pregnant under a bridge next to a trash-can fire until you could find shelter/contact family.
No, I know it doesn't help. I don't think anything will help honestly. They are all probably fucked for life in reality. She's not going to suddenly start making good life choices. So I feel sorry for them.
Dude, I just wish she'd stop making shitty choices though, kwim?
There's a wide, deep blue sea between private school/britax car seats and marrying/ttcing with a known addict.
Did she ever say anything about her background? I admit I didn't read the whole thread.
I think the OP thinks she, her H and her baby are immune to the horror stories people are telling them. And that's a huuuge issue with addicts... They're never bad enough that THAT would happen to them.
I don't see anything getting through to her. She made up her mind when she married a man knowing he has a coke problem. All she wanted in this post was help on how to manage her finances. She knows she's going to stay in this til the bitter end.
Post by melindafelinda on Oct 9, 2012 21:34:30 GMT -5
Not that I saw. But she is an alcoholic with a recent DUI who decided to conceive with a coke user and then marry him after she found out the depths of his addiction. I can't imagine her childhood was normal. She sounds seriously co-dependent and I wouldn't be surprised if she came from a background of abuse.
Not that I saw. But she is an alcoholic with a recent DUI who decided to conceive with a coke user and then marry him after she found out the depths of his addiction. I can't imagine her childhood was normal. She sounds seriously co-dependent and I wouldn't be surprised if she came from a background of abuse.
I always thought that Kayla/Checkers chick must have come from an abusive background. I can't figure any other reason why that dude and his lifestyle are attractive to her.
Same story with this girl. It seems to me that her father had to be some kind of wreck and either she sees her chance to fix him where she couldn't with her father or she somehow sees her current state more acceptable than what she endured growing up.
Or maybe none at all. IDK. My degree in A&E Intervention suggests people can be cracknuts even with the best upbringing.
I haven't read everyone's stories, but I am going back after I write this.
OP, my mom could have written your post 30 years ago. My dad's drugs of choice were heroin and alcohol. Due to a health issue Mom was told that if she wanted kids it was now or never. She'll admit now that though of course she doesn't regret having my brother and me, she does regret her choice of father. He was right time/place, wrong guy. Hah.
I never spent two consecutive Christmases with my dad. He was either in rehab or in jail every other year. My mom spent thousands re-buying her own rings, bracelets, cameras, video camera, etc. after my dad pawned them over and over again. She had to keep things in a safe, not to protect them from burglars, but to protect them from her husband. When I was 11 my dad pawned my flute. He stole from his 11 year old child to get a fix. I learned to recognize my dad's hiding of booze by the time I was 6. I remember ratting him out to my mom. And again when I was 9. I saw him have a heroin seizure once. Another time he was passed out so hard that we couldn't wake him up when he was supposed to pick my mom up from school. I was 8 and my brother was 5, and the person in charge of our safety was unresponsive. This was pre-cell phones. Thank God she found a pay phone and was able to take the metro home. I bet that was a delightful 45 minute ride home for her.
I was lucky though. My mom was always the breadwinner. She didn't let him stop her from finishing her Ph.D. She thought she left him for good when I was 6. She divorced, moved us across the country and went to law school. But 2 years later, she was telling me that "Daddy is really sorry and loves us very much and wants to come back." My 7 year old response? "And you believed him?" If only shed listened to me! I stopped trusting my dad before i was 7. Think about that.
She re-married my dad when I was 9. And guess what! NOTHING changed. They finally divorced for good when I was 16, after he was sent to prison for 8 years for grand larceny. My mom may never fully accept that she could never fix him.
You can't fix this. You need to save yourself and save your child. And don't feel guilty about it for one second.
I haven't read through all 15 pages, but I just wanted to add that it is very likely that your child will be removed from your care, if any decent person in your life knows what's going on and reports it.
If I knew you, IRL, you bet your ass I'd report it the day the baby is born. Not because I think you are a shitty person, but because an infant living with a drug abuser is always in immediate danger.
At this point, being the hero means keeping your baby safe. This isn't about you, your husband, your marriage, or your finances. My guess is that your family won't live together for long. It's always better if you make that choice yourself.
With the money, the wife, and the baby still sticking around, why would your husband ever want to get help? He has his coke, and is snorting it too.....so to speak.
I didn't read the responses. Waaay too many pages. But in case you are still reading and this hasn't been addressed: THIS is when people need prenuptial agreements. I'm guessing you didn't get one (despite knowing about all this shit) so I won't drag up the past. However, if you want to stay in this relationship but protect you and your child financially, consider one of two options: (1) get a legal divorce. You can still build a life together but do not tie yourselves legally. Barring that, (2) get a postnuptial agreement separating your finances and delineating his financial responsibilities in your marriage and towards your child. A half assed separate bank accounts scenario won't cut it and may still give him legal ownership and control over your income and assets. You don't have to get the fuck out, but you do have to get your money and child's future stability out.
Sorry if I am beating a dead horse on this one. But here is my story-
My mom got pregnant at 19 and quickly married my dad. She knew he smoked pot sometimes, she did too, but that was about it. They got a little apartment and were making it work. Things started to get strange. She wrote it off for a while but when she didn't have money for diapers and had to beg her BIL to get them she started her emergency plan. Eventually, when she found a scale and a shit load of pot in the house she said its me and baby or drugs. He chose drugs.
She allowed visitation until he was arrested in front of me at his mom's house. Having your kid say "Mommy, why did the police come and put bracelets on daddy?" killed her. She would allow my grandmother to come to see me but I was not allowed in the same house. To make up for it he showed up with a puppy for me- yeah, with my severe allergies and asthma that was a great idea.
He continued to go downhill. Eventually he overdosed. I was 3. I was one of the lucky ones. I didn't have to experience his addiction and I have no recollection of all of the times he flaked out on me. My mom did one of the bravest things possible- she left. She gave him a choice, he made his decision, and she acted on her ultimatium. Thanks to that, I had a pretty normal life.
I'm not saying you MUST leave tomorrow. Please just think about what everyone is saying. Share some of these stories with your DH. He needs to know how bad things will be if he is still actively using with a baby. I honestly want to hug you because I know how scared my mom was and how difficult the decision was when it was just her. As soon as I was in the picture, it became crystal clear what she needed to do.
Good luck. Please take care of yourself and the baby.
Post by krisandgrace on Oct 10, 2012 8:20:22 GMT -5
I don't know if you are still reading these replies but as someone who had to hit a bottom before you got sober (DUI) you should understand that the best thing to do for his is to kick him out.
He doesn't realize how bad it is and magically thinks the birth of a his child will cure him. Having his wife tell him he needs to leave until he has gotten clean may be the bottom he needs. Holding the hand of an active addict is probably the worst thing you can do for them.
OP, you said you were unlucky to be caught and mandated to get help. I think what you meant to say is that you are truly, incredibly lucky to have been forced to turn your life around. Be grateful for your ability to stay sober.
I hope that one day you're able to come back here and thank everyone who offered advice. I hope that one day you're able to see what a tough situation you've put yourself in and that you're able to finally get out of it.
Best of luck to you and your child. It sounds like you're going to need it.