I'm so upset-XH vent inside

[achase123]

XH is still mad because I won't change P's last name.

Recently, I had to switch P to my insurance because my income went up and we no longer qualified for Healthy Families insurance. This is an additional $200/month just to have him on my insurance. I had spoken to XH about it awhile ago and he'd agreed to pay half of the insurance above his normal CS, but since he was doing it through the DCSS he would get credit towards the back amount that he owes by overpaying each month.

Now that he's mad he's just informed me that he will no longer be paying the extra for the insurance. I'm so frustrated because with P's daycare and insurance, his expenses are well over $700/month.

If I take XH back to court nothing will happen and likely the CS could get lowered. XH makes money "under the table" so there's no way to prove how much he actually is making. He shows a poverty level income but he's purchased 3 $60K trucks in the past year and a half. Do the math.

I'm so frustrated by him. I feel like my hands are tied. Should I speak to my lawyer? Go back to court? I feel like it's the principal of it all. I really hate that, once again, he's throwing a temper tantrum and will likely come out unscathed on the other side. It's beyond maddening.

[doriswe]

Did he originally agree to this in writing?

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 12:15:26 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Did he originally agree to this in writing?

No. It was just a verbal agreement between us that we recently came to.

[turtle1120]

Has he never had to produce any bank statements? Or is he smart enough to do everything in cash? Certain things need to be paid through a bank account, so there's got to be some record of money coming in and going out.

What are the laws in your state? In my state, the father is responsible for health insurance so I'd go to court over it if it was significant.

I'd probably call your attorney and get his opinion on how to proceed.

[ECB]

I'm sure you have, but have you reminded him that while he's pissed at you and "taking it out on you", that who he's actually taking it out on is P?

[doriswe]

Oct 16, 2012 12:16:09 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:15:26 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Did he originally agree to this in writing?

No. It was just a verbal agreement between us that we recently came to.

I would try to limit all talk of financials to email so you can have that paper trail (yes, I know, this doesn't help this situation).

I'm gonna be really honest...I pay a shit-ton for my family health plan in addition to a ridiculous premium before it hits 80/20. I pay it all myself and I suspect I could go after XH for help with it, but I really see a lot of this as my responsibility as DS's parent. I've had to make some sacrifices, financially, to make this happen, but it's just what parents have to do. (yup, I know that doesn't help this situation either!)

[prettyinpearls]

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:13 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm sure you have, but have you reminded him that while he's pissed at you and "taking it out on you", that who he's actually taking it out on is P?

He won't listen to anything like this. None of them ever do. They're too busy being absorbed in their victim mentaility to get their head out of their ass.

[turtle1120]

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:16:09 GMT -5 achase123 said:

No. It was just a verbal agreement between us that we recently came to.

I would try to limit all talk of financials to email so you can have that paper trail (yes, I know, this doesn't help this situation).

I'm gonna be really honest...I pay a shit-ton for my family health plan in addition to a ridiculous premium before it hits 80/20. I pay it all myself and I suspect I could go after XH for help with it, but I really see a lot of this as my responsibility as DS's parent. I've had to make some sacrifices, financially, to make this happen, but it's just what parents have to do. (yup, I know that doesn't help this situation either!)

These kids have two parents, and each parent should be equally responsible.

This stuff irritates me so badly! I've had a lot of the same issues, and it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It costs so much money to go to court and fight over it, but if you don't do it, you have to struggle to pay for things on your own.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Achase! I still wouldn't change P's name though because even if you did, your ExH would still pull this crap.

[stephbfan]

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:16:09 GMT -5 achase123 said:

No. It was just a verbal agreement between us that we recently came to.

I pay it all myself and I suspect I could go after XH for help with it, but I really see a lot of this as my responsibility as DS's parent. I've had to make some sacrifices, financially, to make this happen, but it's just what parents have to do.

Well the SD should have to make the same sacrifices too!

This guy just never freaking stop his craziness. I just don't see what you can do about it, Achase. He will keep pulling crap like this forever

[doriswe]

Oct 16, 2012 12:42:23 GMT -5 turtle1120 said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I would try to limit all talk of financials to email so you can have that paper trail (yes, I know, this doesn't help this situation).

I'm gonna be really honest...I pay a shit-ton for my family health plan in addition to a ridiculous premium before it hits 80/20. I pay it all myself and I suspect I could go after XH for help with it, but I really see a lot of this as my responsibility as DS's parent. I've had to make some sacrifices, financially, to make this happen, but it's just what parents have to do. (yup, I know that doesn't help this situation either!)

These kids have two parents, and each parent should be equally responsible.

And I totally get this...but it's a pretty no-win situation. And he's proven time and time again he has no real desire to be a parent. Does it suck to be the only responsible one? Absolutely, but finding a way to accept that will only help reduce the constant frustration of being disappointed by him not stepping up.

And I'll also say, that I am really aware that my situation is totally different so it's easy for me to spew sunshine and rainbows!

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 12:46:20 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:42:23 GMT -5 turtle1120 said:

These kids have two parents, and each parent should be equally responsible.

And I totally get this...but it's a pretty no-win situation. And he's proven time and time again he has no real desire to be a parent. Does it suck to be the only responsible one? Absolutely, but finding a way to accept that will only help reduce the constant frustration of being disappointed by him not stepping up.

And I'll also say, that I am really aware that my situation is totally different so it's easy for me to spew sunshine and rainbows!

No, I totally agree with you Doris. You are right. There really isn't anything that can be done.

I just got off the phone with him and made no headway. Apparently he's "over it" whatever that means. He's also been talking to his sister about CS, because she's apparently an expert

It's so frustrating because there's really nothing that can be done.

[doriswe]

Oct 16, 2012 12:47:32 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:46:20 GMT -5 doriswe said:

And I totally get this...but it's a pretty no-win situation. And he's proven time and time again he has no real desire to be a parent. Does it suck to be the only responsible one? Absolutely, but finding a way to accept that will only help reduce the constant frustration of being disappointed by him not stepping up.

And I'll also say, that I am really aware that my situation is totally different so it's easy for me to spew sunshine and rainbows!

No, I totally agree with you Doris. You are right. There really isn't anything that can be done.

I just got off the phone with him and made no headway. Apparently he's "over it" whatever that means. He's also been talking to his sister about CS, because she's apparently an expert

It's so frustrating because there's really nothing that can be done.

It's just a sucky situation. He's a shitty human being who has figured out how to get by under the radar. Thankfully, you have your shit together and can take care of P without much help from XH. He'll never be the man/father you want him to be....once you can accept it, it will be easier to let a lot of this stuff roll off your back.

I'd also stop talking to him on the phone. It's just encouraging him to act like a jack ass because he knows he's getting under your skin.

[lovelybb]

Oct 16, 2012 12:44:29 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:50 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I pay it all myself and I suspect I could go after XH for help with it, but I really see a lot of this as my responsibility as DS's parent. I've had to make some sacrifices, financially, to make this happen, but it's just what parents have to do.

Well the SD should have to make the same sacrifices too!

This guy just never freaking stop his craziness. I just don't see what you can do about it, Achase. He will keep pulling crap like this forever

Yep, it's probably true... it's not just the guys that slack on the parenting thing either. D finally settled out of court with his ex over her wanting more child support. He's fine with having to buy his kids if he has to (rather than leaving it up to the court) so now he's paying her significantly more $$ and has his daughters 50% of the time rather than one night a week and some afternoons. He's going to continue to pay for their health insurance even though the decree states that she is responsible for 100% of their costs. It sucks that parents would rather focus on holding onto their $ rather than agreeing to equally pay for things. Like PP said, it only hurts the kids in the end.

[naeljun]

I'm sorry. You know how I feel. It sounds like we are just stuck.

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 12:50:20 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:47:32 GMT -5 achase123 said:

No, I totally agree with you Doris. You are right. There really isn't anything that can be done.

I just got off the phone with him and made no headway. Apparently he's "over it" whatever that means. He's also been talking to his sister about CS, because she's apparently an expert

It's so frustrating because there's really nothing that can be done.

It's just a sucky situation. He's a shitty human being who has figured out how to get by under the radar. Thankfully, you have your shit together and can take care of P without much help from XH. He'll never be the man/father you want him to be....once you can accept it, it will be easier to let a lot of this stuff roll off your back.

I'd also stop talking to him on the phone. It's just encouraging him to act like a jack ass because he knows he's getting under your skin.

Totally agree. I asked them to forward any/all calls to my VM. I have to WORK for a living, unlike him. What a concept.

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 12:22:41 GMT -5 turtle1120 said:

Has he never had to produce any bank statements? Or is he smart enough to do everything in cash? Certain things need to be paid through a bank account, so there's got to be some record of money coming in and going out.

What are the laws in your state? In my state, the father is responsible for health insurance so I'd go to court over it if it was significant.

I'd probably call your attorney and get his opinion on how to proceed.

He does EVERYTHING in cash. If he were to put money into his bank account they'd possess it because of the back CS he owes. This has happened before so he finally wisened up to it.

[heavenly]

He is not focusing on the best interest of P. It sounds like he knows how to rile you up. I would call an attorney and ask what you need to do. I wouldn't even try to negotiate with your eh.

[doriswe]

Maybe this is just a test run to get you ready for the reduced income from when he inevitably lands his ass in jail?!?!

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 13:33:41 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Maybe this is just a test run to get you ready for the reduced income from when he inevitably lands his ass in jail?!?!

Lord I hope so.

Good thing is that I try to put away all CS in savings. It's not something that can be counted on.

[angieawesome]

I know exactly how you feel. DH NEVER pays his court ordered support and when we go back to court yet again, he has the same sob story, well I've been out of work, just doing side jobs when I can. He then gets ordered to start maintining the current order, but add to it for back support he owed. Its a never ending uphill battle.

[Deleted]

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:13 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm sure you have, but have you reminded him that while he's pissed at you and "taking it out on you", that who he's actually taking it out on is P?

This is a good thing to point out if you haven't already. He may think he is hurting you (which he is), but also he is hurting his son.

[doriswe]

Oct 16, 2012 14:37:27 GMT -5 doglove said:

Oct 16, 2012 12:23:13 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm sure you have, but have you reminded him that while he's pissed at you and "taking it out on you", that who he's actually taking it out on is P?

This is a good thing to point out if you haven't already. He may think he is hurting you (which he is), but also he is hurting his son.

I honestly don't think her X is capable of understanding that logic.

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 14:42:57 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 16, 2012 14:37:27 GMT -5 doglove said:

This is a good thing to point out if you haven't already. He may think he is hurting you (which he is), but also he is hurting his son.

I honestly don't think her X is capable of understanding that logic.

He told me that I'm using P and he's glad he "has the text" because I told him we'd go back to the court ordered visitation. I'd let him go on the weekend with XH and his family a few times, if you all remember.

[doriswe]

He will play the victim card every chance he can get.

[Deleted]

Can you proe that he has been paying for it for a few months?

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 14:53:19 GMT -5 mags said:

Can you proe that he has been paying for it for a few months?

I have proof that he paid it for one month. That's all he's done so far.

[Deleted]

hhmmmm... I was hoping it was more than that...because then you can prove he could afford it and made a verbal agrrment with you....i do not know if you can do that with only 1 month.

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 15:18:19 GMT -5 mags said:

hhmmmm... I was hoping it was more than that...because then you can prove he could afford it and made a verbal agrrment with you....i do not know if you can do that with only 1 month.

I bet not...although I have plenty of proof of other things he's purchased for P, above and beyond the mandated monthly amount (diapers, wipes, food, etc.). I have all texts saved. Not that it really matters but still. Somehow he's affording everything he's required to pay, and then some.

[turtle1120]

Oct 16, 2012 16:23:06 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Oct 16, 2012 15:18:19 GMT -5 mags said:

hhmmmm... I was hoping it was more than that...because then you can prove he could afford it and made a verbal agrrment with you....i do not know if you can do that with only 1 month.

I bet not...although I have plenty of proof of other things he's purchased for P, above and beyond the mandated monthly amount (diapers, wipes, food, etc.). I have all texts saved. Not that it really matters but still. Somehow he's affording everything he's required to pay, and then some.

For as big of a douche that your ExH is, I can't believe he's given you anything above and beyond what he's required to. That's seriously shocking!

[achase123]

Oct 16, 2012 16:34:12 GMT -5 turtle1120 said:

Oct 16, 2012 16:23:06 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I bet not...although I have plenty of proof of other things he's purchased for P, above and beyond the mandated monthly amount (diapers, wipes, food, etc.). I have all texts saved. Not that it really matters but still. Somehow he's affording everything he's required to pay, and then some.

For as big of a douche that your ExH is, I can't believe he's given you anything above and beyond what he's required to. That's seriously shocking!

When I am playing his game, the man will do whatever I ask, seriously. I've had him pick up diapers, milk, bananas, fruit, mac 'n cheese, etc. for P when he comes for his visits. It's NEVER been a problem.

The issue here isn't whether or not he can afford it (which he certainly can). It's about power and control. The issue has nothing to do with money and everything to do with him throwing a temper tantrum because I refuse to change P's last name. Simple as that.