WWYD (Long)

[auberge]

Please don't quote, I may DD.

Thanks everyone.

[vanillacourage]

I would pursue it and earmark it for your son's college fund.

I'm sorry.

[Deleted]

unless I really needed the money I would stay as far away from them as possible.

there is just too much potential for (even more) hurt here. take care of yourself.

ETA: I should add I am assuming this is a relatively small amount of money. you are obviously entitled to your portion either way, but I think I would want to put all those people behind me unless the money could change my life in some tangible way.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Honestly, I'd be angry and want to go after the money because I'd be pissed at the way they treated me. You are just as much his daughter as your stepsister. (Stepsister or half sister?)

I would probably put the money in a 529 for DS and leave it at that. Then he at least contributed to your son's life.

[kimibrighteyes]

Will this money make a big difference to your life? If not, I would let it go. I think it will just feed the bitterness and sadness

[flopsy]

You're right, this is very personal. As in, totally up to you and no one can make this decision for you.

If this happened to me, and I LITERALLY DID NOT CARE about the money, and just wanted to move on from that point in my life, then I'd probably let it go. (Coming from a person who a) didn't take unemployment after getting laid off until two months later when I was *officially* looking for a job, despite constant harassment from family, and b) didn't bother fighting it when I lost it for bogus reasons. Just felt too guilty not really needing the money.)

However, if you need/want the money, feel that you deserve it, feel the desire to fight it, don't feel bad about getting involved, etc., then by all means, do it.

Ultimately it's all up to you, I think.

[pamela]

If you really don't care about the money, I'd just let it go. If you don't have enough contact with that family to have found out he was dying, you're probably not going to have much further contact with them and I'd just let it drift away.

Personally, I would go after the money though. In part because they may have deliberately kept you out and I wouldn't want them to get away with that. And the other part being that your dad leaving and drifting away probably meant that things in your mom's house weren't quite what they could have been financially if there were 2 incomes. You or your mom may have SLs or other debt as a result that this could help clean up as his final duty.

[fuddyduddy]

I'm so sorry you are put in this predicament.

Would the money be worth the aggravation? If so, pursue it. If not, let it be.

[limey]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I am estranged from my father, by my choice. I expect that he'll leave any money he has to his current wife, her kids or my sister. I expect nothing.

In your situation, I wouldn't pursue anything financially. Why does your mom want you to pursue this - so SHE can have closure?

[auberge]

Nov 13, 2012 15:27:43 GMT -5 dbsk8dance said:

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Honestly, I'd be angry and want to go after the money because I'd be pissed at the way they treated me. You are just as much his daughter as your stepsister. (Stepsister or half sister?)

I would probably put the money in a 529 for DS and leave it at that. Then he at least contributed to your son's life.

You're right, half sister.

[heyrebekah]

My first thought is to pursue it just to spite them. But then again it's probably not worth the aggravation and will just make you feel worse. I guess it depends on how much it is.

[ECB]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. but I too am wondering why your mom is so vested in this. remove her from the equation as best you can and figure out what YOU want to do.

If you want to let it go, then do so. Tell your mom that this is your choice and you need for her to respect that and back off.

[dexteroni]

I'm sorry about all that has happened. As for what to do now....even if you end up getting some of the money, the process of getting it is almost guaranteed to be a negative experience, so you should only go after it if *you* want to do it, not because your mom wants you to.

[minzy]

Are you sure the estate has been settled? Is it possible that it just hasn't been distributed yet?

How did you find out about the pension and what his wishes were with it? (For example, did you see a copy of his will, or is it something an uncle remembered him saying twenty years ago?) If it is more like the latter, I would be less inclined to pursue anything.

[auberge]

Nov 13, 2012 15:37:35 GMT -5 minzy said:

Are you sure the estate has been settled? Is it possible that it just hasn't been distributed yet?

How did you find out about the pension and what his wishes were with it? (For example, did you see a copy of his will, or is it something an uncle remembered him saying twenty years ago?) If it is more like the latter, I would be less inclined to pursue anything.

I'm not sure of anything. My aunt told me that my sister "got all the money" and it isn't right.

[dexteroni]

Nov 13, 2012 15:40:08 GMT -5 auberge said:

I'm not sure of anything. My aunt told me that my sister "got all the money" and it isn't right.

Going after money you don't want that you don't even know is really meant for you (or exists) sounds like an awful pursuit. I wouldn't go after it and I wouldn't blame you one bit for telling your family your decision and asking them to stop bugging you about it.

[limey]

Given your update, I think the least amount of pain for you is to not pursue anything.

I'm hard pressed to imagine a realistic scenario in which this ends in something positive for you.

[Deleted]

I would pursue it and do something really good with the money and hope that made me feel better--donate it, use it to visit family members and build those relationships, etc.

[Deleted]

I would talk to farmer.

[aurora]

I'm sorry about your losses (both dad's involvement in your life and also his death).

I would feel angry if extended family stole from me (which is what it sounds like they did). However, it's really hard to know what I would do without living your life because it's really such a complex, emotional situation. I do second the recommendation to stop talking to your mom about it. What does your DH think? Are you willing to be seen as money-grubbing by extended family whom you are not close to? Would pursuing the money help you with closure or extend the pain? Could it make a significant positive difference in the life of someone you love, such as your DS?

At this point, I might go so far as to contact whomever is in charge of the estate and just ask if everything is settled or if you can see a copy of the will so you're not operating under hearsay, but I can see how it would be a very difficult decision beyond that.

[WOT?*]

I wouldn't but that's my situation. (I am somewhat in your shoes. My dad's inheritance from his mom was passed through his wife to her daughter, leaving no effective estate upon his death and then hers a few weeks later. When my FIL died, his brother and cousin "cleaned the apartment" since they were in town and we received no records of anything because "there wasn't anything" despite a pension and an annuity. The anger wasn't worth the pursuit - and by the time lawyers' fees were calculated there would be nothing for us and everything for the lawyers anyway.)

What about your sister? Does she need or want her share of the money? It seems half-sister got three shares and not just yours. Maybe that's part of why your mom is angry? That and the fact that your dad just disappeared from your lives? (That part I understand. I spent years listening to my mom's venom and my sisters' bitterness.)

If you are on good terms with your sister, I would think about taking her needs into consideration. I wouldn't go after the money if I didn't want it or need it and it didn't make a difference in my life, but if it would help with my sister's closure and her financial situation as well, then I would reconsider my reluctance.

Also, how much money is in question and how difficult would it be to get it? As previously stated, the lawyers fees would have eaten up anything we might have gotten from either my father's or FIL's estates.)

[sarahlindsay]

My intial thoughts were with heyrebekah - but if you feel that you can move on and live with knowing you didn't get a fair share of that, and it would be a matter of just moving on with closure, then I understand that viewpoint as well. I'm probably being colored by my intial thoughts after reading your post, which are that I'm upset for you and I want you have what you are entitled to from the estate.

[thatgirl2478]

I don't know - I'm sorry you are in this situation.

a) If you go after it, I'm sure it was a lump sum and since it's 3 yrs later half sister may not even have it anymore. You would probably have to get a judgement on her to get it paid out.

b) If you don't go after it, you're reinforcing her bad behavior (she should have said 'hey this man has another child')

Are you ABLE to let it go if you don't go after it? I don't know if I could personally! But then, I hold grudges pretty easily...

[cjeanette]

If only one daughter received the money I am going to question if you were listed as bene.

[pitterwoo]

I'm sorry for your situation. I would want to find out what the facts are, because not knowing what the inheritance was or who got it would leave me feeling unsettled. Whether you pursue it is up to you, but I would personally have a hard time with closure wondering if half-sister got away with something. If I could get some money to put aside for a 529 it would at least feel like something positive could come out of the situation. On the other hand if it was going to get really ugly I would probably drop it. So, basically I don't know what I would do, but I would at least take the steps to find out what was in the will and estate.

[Deleted]

Hard question. I think whatever you decide is the right thing.

It is hard for me to even know what I'd do in your shoes, since this is so far removed from my family dynamic. I guess I can't imagine myself ever being in a position where money wouldn't help better my life or the life of my family/children. Unless we're only talking a couple thousand dollars (not worth the hassle) I would think it is only right that I'd get my fair share of what should be mine. It sounds like your dad didn't contribute much over the years and while I guess no one is "entitled" to money from a parent, at least up to age 18 there should be a good amount of financial support. If someone hadn't received child support in years I'd encourage them to go after it, and I guess this is similar in some ways.

However, if you think it is going to be too emotional/draining/whatever for you to go after it, and you don't need the money - I wouldn't think any less of you (or anyone) for just letting it go. I guess that goes back to my first thought that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

[auberge]

Just reading the email from my aunt and she said that they will said all of his children. Isn't it weird I wasn't notified of the reading of the will. Or is that just in the movies? i.e reading of wills

[starlily]

If it's truly a pension that was left behind, then he would have had to designate a beneficiary with his employer. Is it possible that he intentionally left it to your stepsister?

[cjeanette]

Nov 13, 2012 17:23:18 GMT -5 auberge said:

Just reading the email from my aunt and she said that they will said all of his children. Isn't it weird I wasn't notified of the reading of the will. Or is that just in the movies? i.e reading of wills

A pension would have had it's own beneficiary designation most likely, not the will.

I would assume everything went through probate but at that point you would want to speak to an estate atty.

[Deleted]

A friend's ex husband (and crappy father) died and his family tried to claim he had no children (knowing very well that he had two) to collect his benefits. I don't recall all the details, but it was through a government office (not ex military but may have been some sort of disability) so she was able to pursue it through the state office. She provided the children's birth certificates where he was named, the divorce documents, the orders for back child support that he never paid and something else (maybe they had to do a DNA test?) and her children became the beneficiary cutting his mother out of the benefits loop. She's used it to buy them laptops, special school trips/events and is saving for their college tuition saying "he was never good to them while alive, now he can finally do something right"

So for her, it was worth it, but it cost her nothing. She just had to find the right government department and fill in the forms. So I might go after it if would be that easy.

However, pursuing this would probably be the final straw in your relationship with your sister. So you have to decide what that is still worth to you (if anything)

Good luck.