How to write a note to a 6 year old whose mom died

[imojoebunny]

I have been trying to come up with the right words all night. Dd has a boy in her class whose mom died suddenly this weekend. He turned seven today. I am in charge of getting him a condolence gift from his class. I need to write a card that says that the kids got him this gift because they want him to know how sad they are that he lost his mom and wanted to help him feel better, but without upseting him. He has been at school this week because it seems better for him to be in his routine. On Friday, he will get the gift as he leaves school quietly from the teacher for Thanksgiving break, along with a note from each student.

Help me write this. The whole thing is too heartbreaking for me.

[joenali]

We love and care for you and we are here for you if you need us. Love, your class.

[GailGoldie]

Nov 14, 2012 21:27:08 GMT -5 @mrdobalina said:

Nothing about making him feel better. I just lost my mom at 41 and there is nothing to make me feel better.

Dear Friend,

We are very sorry that your mom died. We love you very much, and we are all thinking about you.
Love, Your Friends in Grade 1


You have to be very concrete with kids that age.

this exactly.
so sad.

[hellonurse]

Nov 14, 2012 21:18:32 GMT -5 joenali said:

We love and care for you and we are here for you if you need us. Love, your class.

I would stick with something like this. How sad.

[SusanBAnthony]

My cousin, age ten, lost her dad last year and for her short and sweet would definitely be best. I like the above.

[pitterwoo]

Nov 14, 2012 21:36:40 GMT -5 GailGoldie said:

Nov 14, 2012 21:27:08 GMT -5 @mrdobalina said:

Nothing about making him feel better. I just lost my mom at 41 and there is nothing to make me feel better.

Dear Friend,

We are very sorry that your mom died. We love you very much, and we are all thinking about you.
Love, Your Friends in Grade 1


You have to be very concrete with kids that age.

this exactly.
so sad.

yep, something like this. simple and to the point.

[Roc A Bee]

I kept the notes my English class in 9th grade wrote me after my mom died. I loved them.

[joenali]

Nov 14, 2012 22:30:19 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I am shocked that he is at school. I cannot imagine what that must be like for this child. This is appalling.

[shakes it off]

"Dear Johnny, We are keeping warm thoughts in our hearts for you. We got a gift for you, and when you see it we hope you feel those warm thoughts in your heart. We are sad for you. Your friends,
[each child signs]"

Or, have each child make him a small note to go with the gift.

This is just horrifying. I cannot fathom the reasoning behind it. My mother died when I was 12, and my little brother was 9; I cannot imagine having been at school the next day so as to keep things 'normal'. There IS no normal.

Because, school has a sense of normalcy and his family probably has a lot of things they have to deal with. Sending him to school where he knows things will be "normal". It is what his family has decided to do. I see nothing wrong with it.

Death is normal. It happens.

[Roc A Bee]

Nov 14, 2012 22:30:19 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I am shocked that he is at school. I cannot imagine what that must be like for this child. This is appalling.

[shakes it off]

"Dear Johnny, We are keeping warm thoughts in our hearts for you. We got a gift for you, and when you see it we hope you feel those warm thoughts in your heart. We are sad for you. Your friends,
[each child signs]"

Or, have each child make him a small note to go with the gift.

This is just horrifying. I cannot fathom the reasoning behind it. My mother died when I was 12, and my little brother was 9; I cannot imagine having been at school the next day so as to keep things 'normal'. There IS no normal.

ETA I see that all the children will write a note. Sorry.

I was 14 when my mom died and I missed one day of school. It was my choice, and for me, it was what I needed at the time.

[steph96]

Nov 14, 2012 22:48:24 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I'm sorry, Joen. We'll have to disagree on this. It's not normal to send a child whose mother has died to school.
I realize the number of things a family has to do after a mother of young children dies, and one of them is surrounding the most bereaved one, the child, with protection and love. Sending this kid to school is appalling.

I missed one day of school after my father died. Just because someone you love dies doesn't mean that life needs to stop. It was nice to get away for those 8 hours each day. It made my life seem normal even though it was complete chaos.

[mollybrown]

Nov 14, 2012 22:48:24 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I'm sorry, Joen. We'll have to disagree on this. It's not normal to send a child whose mother has died to school.
I realize the number of things a family has to do after a mother of young children dies, and one of them is surrounding the most bereaved one, the child, with protection and love. Sending this kid to school is appalling.

You sound like someone with no personal experience.

I missed exactly one day of school after my mother died...to attend her funeral. I NEEDED the normalcy. I can't imagine the horror of sitting around at home alone thinking about how my mother was dead. I could go to school and pretend everything was normal.

I like the very simple and to the point response already posted. I would probably say "We are sorry about your mom" instead of "We are sorry your mom died" just because I had a hard time using that word for a while after my mom passed.

[joenali]

:Y:

Nov 14, 2012 23:14:58 GMT -5 mollybrown said:

Nov 14, 2012 22:48:24 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I'm sorry, Joen. We'll have to disagree on this. It's not normal to send a child whose mother has died to school.
I realize the number of things a family has to do after a mother of young children dies, and one of them is surrounding the most bereaved one, the child, with protection and love. Sending this kid to school is appalling.

You sound like someone with no personal experience.

I missed exactly one day of school after my mother died...to attend her funeral. I NEEDED the normalcy. I can't imagine the horror of sitting around at home alone thinking about how my mother was dead. I could go to school and pretend everything was normal.

I like the very simple and to the point response already posted. I would probably say "We are sorry about your mom" instead of "We are sorry your mom died" just because I had a hard time using that word for a while after my mom passed.

[drloretta]

You can't avoid upsetting him. His mom just died.

What you wrote in the post sounds fine.

[sugarbear]

Totally normal to send a kid to school. I went to school right after my mom died (when I was 7). Two students at my school lost their dad a few weeks ago and they returned within days. Kids need the comfort and familiarity of a routine!

I remember, when my mom died, that I took great comfort in simple wishes of love. Whatever you end up saying to this child, please let him know that he is surrounded by people who will care for and support him and his family.

[dragonfly08]

DD #2 had a school mate whose mom died at the end of the year. One of the other moms collected stories from the families and put together a scrapbook with letters, photos, etc. That was a lot of work so I wouldn't suggest doing it, but I really just liked the idea of sharing memories with the child so he'll have them as he grows up and reminding him that he is not alone and he is loved. Maybe you could write about something you remember in reference to him and his mom, if you knew them at all.

As for sending him to school, this little boy came back to camp after a week. At that age they really don't understand the loss yet...Mommy isn't gone forever in their minds. It was actually a much happier, healthier atmosphere for the little boy at camp then at home where his dad was trying to deal with a newborn (mom actually died as a result of complications from childbirth), various family members, arrangements, etc.

[drloretta]

I can't believe this has devolved into an argument over whether the kid should go to school or not.

People process grief differently. Some don't want to sit at home staring at 4 walls all day and watching people be sad. They'd rather get right back into their routine. Even at age 6. Some people want to be around stuff at home and not deal with sympathetic looks from people outside their family. Neither option is wrong.

[Deleted]

The message in the card you right just needs to be simple and brief. Honestly, the cards from his classmates will be the ones he remembers and probably the ones he keeps.

I agree that it's very normal and okay to send the child to school. It does depend on the child of course and how they are dealing. When I was teaching we had a little girl lose her dad suddenly. It was best for her to be in school and to be allowed to be normal. When your at school, your allowed to play, to forget, to be happy, etc. At home, you feel guilty that your not always grieving.

[mbcdefg]

There's no way of this poor kid to avoid being sad, so just keep the message short, sweet, and to-the-point: We're your friends and we care about you.

Re: sending him to school ... who knows what the circumstances behind this are? Maybe the kid WANTS to be in school. Maybe his dad/family felt that it's better that he be in a comfortable environment with his friends, rather than having him sit at home in grief (or if the funeral hasn't happened yet, maybe they figured it's better for him to be at school rather than tagging along while they're picking out a coffin and a cemetery plot for his poor mother).

I was eager to get back to work and back into a routine after my dad died. He died on a Monday and I left work to go home, then was out for the rest of the week for wakes and then a funeral on Saturday. If that had all happened earlier in the week, I would've gone back to work sooner. I was glad that my boss and only a couple other people knew because I didn't want to have to talk about it ... my poor mom was dreading going back to work because EVERYONE knew and once she went back they kept asking her how she was doing.

[Deleted]

I think make it short and sweet and avoid anything vague -- (e.g. don't say "loss")


I'm stuck on Sue Sue calling this appalling. It's considered best practice now to help the child find his/her routine and feel secure -- almost all my classmates stayed in school when they lost parents. It's cool to let a child stay home if that's what that individual child needs to feel safe, but calling either decision appalling? Come on.

[hski2349]

Nov 14, 2012 23:16:14 GMT -5 joenali said:

Nov 14, 2012 23:14:58 GMT -5 mollybrown said:

You sound like someone with no personal experience.

I missed exactly one day of school after my mother died...to attend her funeral. I NEEDED the normalcy. I can't imagine the horror of sitting around at home alone thinking about how my mother was dead. I could go to school and pretend everything was normal.

I like the very simple and to the point response already posted. I would probably say "We are sorry about your mom" instead of "We are sorry your mom died" just because I had a hard time using that word for a while after my mom passed.

Agreed.

I lost my mom when I was 7 and I remember going back to school a few days after. Going back to school was not what was traumatizing.

I think the idea of giving the gift quietly after school or as he is leaving is best. The last thing I wanted was everybody to focus on me and magnify the fact that my mother had just passed.

[MixedBerryJam]

Nov 14, 2012 22:48:24 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I'm sorry, Joen. We'll have to disagree on this. It's not normal to send a child whose mother has died to school.
I realize the number of things a family has to do after a mother of young children dies, and one of them is surrounding the most bereaved one, the child, with protection and love. Sending this kid to school is appalling.

Sue, you're pretty much right on target most times and I mostly find myself nodding silently in agreement with you, but this time you're just off the mark. My husband died on a Sunday and I think the kids (11 and 12 at the time) missed Monday but were back in school in Tuesday. Their routine had been disrupted long enough with a father with brain cancer. The best palce they could have been was where they could see that our family and their routines would go on. There is nothing normal about a child losing a parent, but it was important to me to maintain the kids's routines, which for them included school on school days. Your use of the word "appalling" to describe this family's decision at a profoundly difficult time really hurts my heart.

ETA OP, mrdob's response is perfect. Do not change a letter of it. (And if you do change it, please use the word "died"; do not say, "she's with God" or "she's an angel now" or Refer to her as lost. A 6year old does not know what "we're here for you" means.