Extreme attachment parenting

[teammccool]

So I thought I knew about attachment parenting, but the post below got me thinking.

What types of things do attachment parents follow beyond bfing, cloth diaper, co sleep? How does this extreme version work when both parents work outside the home?

For the mom who posted earlier-tmi but how do you poop and have sex? Also how do you shave while holding your 10 month old in the shower? This idea is new to me and I am curious also, does your husband feel left out of parenting when this type of parenting relies so heavily on the mom?

[Deleted]

Practicing Positive Discipline is another major tenet. www.positivediscipline.com/ I am a huge fan of Positive Discipline. We study it, discuss it with our circle of PD-friendly friends, and practice it in our home.

That said, I do not consider myself an attachment parent at all. I believe in making choices that work best for your own family, and for me that includes embracing some tenets of AP and rejecting others. For example, I breastfed and did a lot of babywearing, but I did not cosleep and I did Ferber style CIO with my DD.

[Deleted]

What post is this in reference to?

[h]

I think of AP practices as including nursing on demand, extended breast feeding, baby-led weaning, baby wearing, co-sleeping, not using CIO, using only positive discipline, limiting separation between mother and infant (which translates to SAHM and in some cases a mom who literally never leaves her infant for some), etc. Then there are a lot of "natural family living" practices like natural childbirth/home birth, CDing, eating whole foods/organic/clean, not vaxing, using alternative medicine, etc. that often overlap with AP (or, rather, end up practiced by the same people in many cases).

Most people I know do some AP kind of stuff but are not extreme about it or attempting to follow all it's tenets. I nursed my kids for a long time, baby wore quite a bit, coslept on and off, never used CIO, and use positive discipline/natural consequences, but I WOH, don't hesitate to leave my kids with sitters, don't CD, and actively weaned my kids once they hit two. And I love epidurals and vaccines. Following any one parenting philosophy too rigidly seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

[CloudBee]

How are CD'ing and BF'ing attachment parenting? CD especially. I don't think that it can be defined as such at all. BF'ing possibly, but it can also merely be a means for feeding/health vs. AP.

[KaraOrNot]

Dec 2, 2012 22:13:55 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

What post is this in reference to?

pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=mmmoms&action=display&thread=98572

[h]

I think CDing falls under the "natural family living" umbrella more than the AP umbrella, but a lot of AP adherents also practice NFL, so there winds up being a lot of overlap. BFing is definitely considered an important part of AP by many AP advocates, though, because they believe it plays an important role in fostering the mother-child bond. While I personally don't agree with the level of importance attached to BFing by the AP community as a whole, it seems to be a hill to die on for many AP types.

[moonstone523]

I was quite shocked about the extreme attached parenting as well.

I get so much done at night once dd goes to bed. I can't imagine going to bed at 7. The house would be An even bigger disaster.

Also, do you always wear your child... Like 24-7? Or is the child just nearby always.

Yes, please tell us more. I'm genuinely curious.

[Deleted]

We're CDing for 2 reasons: 1) we're cheap and 2) our neighbors have this overflowing huge garbage can of diapers. I look at it and think "there has to be a better way." I'll CD, recycle and compost the shit out of our refuse before upgrading to the giant can o'garbage.

[jena]

Dec 2, 2012 21:47:02 GMT -5 teammccool said:

So I thought I knew about attachment parenting, but the post below got me thinking.

What types of things do attachment parents follow beyond bfing, cloth diaper, co sleep? How does this extreme version work when both parents work outside the home?

For the mom who posted earlier-tmi but how do you poop and have sex? Also how do you shave while holding your 10 month old in the shower? This idea is new to me and I am curious also, does your husband feel left out of parenting when this type of parenting relies so heavily on the mom?

Well, extreme AP isn't what most people do... that's kinda what makes it "extreme", no?

So typical, run-of-the-mill AP is easier to live with. I consider myself to be AP. I work outside the home p/t. The older kids go to school/daycare. My kids typically were in the shower with me at 10mo, but they were sitting on the floor playing which makes shampooing and shaving quite easy. My newborn is not in the shower with me because DH is perfectly capable of holding her. He doesn't feel left out because in non-extreme AP, dad is included. So I can leave the kids quite easily with him.

As for pooping... you're supposed to be alone when you poop? My kids have never figured that part out. They think that mom sitting on the toilet means lets all go talk to her. I don't think this is just an AP experience though...

[h]

I have bathed/showered and gone to the bathroom with a kid in tow plenty of times--I just assumed that was part of being a parent, not necessarily being AP. Heck, I have gone to the bathroom with a baby still in a sling or on my breast because sometimes its just easier, and I suspect that is pretty common, too. But never having 5 minutes alone while your partner plays with the kid does indeed seem quite extreme.

[Deleted]

I believe strongly in attachment being important. How you get there is up to you. People get so caught up in all these things that have been attached to AP they forget about the basic theory and why it is important. Forget all the bullshit and make sure your child is nurtured, his needs are met and he feels loved.

[anna7602]

Dec 2, 2012 22:35:26 GMT -5 moonstone523 said:

I get so much done at night once dd goes to bed. I can't imagine going to bed at 7. The house would be An even bigger disaster.

I'm not an extreme AP, but I did follow a lot of things like BFing, wearing DD, co-sleeping, etc.

To this point specifically, when we co-slept, I did not necessarily stay in bed once DD was asleep past a certain age. When she was an infant, yes, because I was actually too exhausted to get up and do anything. Who gives a heck about the dishes in the sink when you're only able to sleep in 2-3 hour spurts? But once I was a better-rested person all around, I would work, hang out with DH or just unwind on my own in another part of the house once DD was sleeping.

[celiacmom]

Dec 2, 2012 21:47:02 GMT -5 teammccool said:

So I thought I knew about attachment parenting, but the post below got me thinking.

What types of things do attachment parents follow beyond bfing, cloth diaper, co sleep? How does this extreme version work when both parents work outside the home?

For the mom who posted earlier-tmi but how do you poop and have sex? Also how do you shave while holding your 10 month old in the shower? This idea is new to me and I am curious also, does your husband feel left out of parenting when this type of parenting relies so heavily on the mom?

Now that my son is older and mobile he often plays in the bathroom whole I poop, but sometimes I poop while nursing or holding/wearing him. It just doesn't seem like a huge deal to me. As for sex... Honestly we have only had it a few times since he was born and its been when he is in a deep sleep and I have rolled away from him but still been in bed. That will be something we need to figure out as he gets bigger.

[celiacmom]

Dec 2, 2012 22:35:26 GMT -5 moonstone523 said:

I was quite shocked about the extreme attached parenting as well.

I get so much done at night once dd goes to bed. I can't imagine going to bed at 7. The house would be An even bigger disaster.

Also, do you always wear your child... Like 24-7? Or is the child just nearby always.

Yes, please tell us more. I'm genuinely curious.

I wear him whenever we are out, we don't even own a stroller. When home I totally let him play independently.

As for the sleeping, I have taken to the philosophy that this will not be forever and I will never get the time with him back so if the house us a little messy it's ok!

[karinothing]

Sometimes I wish I could force myself to go to bed when DS goes to bed lol. That sounds liek a fine idea to me.

[celiacmom]

Dec 2, 2012 21:47:02 GMT -5 teammccool said:

So I thought I knew about attachment parenting, but the post below got me thinking.

What types of things do attachment parents follow beyond bfing, cloth diaper, co sleep? How does this extreme version work when both parents work outside the home?

For the mom who posted earlier-tmi but how do you poop and have sex? Also how do you shave while holding your 10 month old in the shower? This idea is new to me and I am curious also, does your husband feel left out of parenting when this type of parenting relies so heavily on the mom?

Oops missed the last two questions..,
Shaving- now that he is older and loves the water, I can set him down to play in the shower while I shave

My husband is very supportive of this parenting style and does not feel left out. L and him have a great relationship. With that said I will say it was difficult in the beginning and he felt left out a little when L was a newborn because there was very little he could do.

[MadamePresident]

Dec 3, 2012 9:14:14 GMT -5 celiacmom said:

Dec 2, 2012 21:47:02 GMT -5 teammccool said:

So I thought I knew about attachment parenting, but the post below got me thinking.

What types of things do attachment parents follow beyond bfing, cloth diaper, co sleep? How does this extreme version work when both parents work outside the home?

For the mom who posted earlier-tmi but how do you poop and have sex? Also how do you shave while holding your 10 month old in the shower? This idea is new to me and I am curious also, does your husband feel left out of parenting when this type of parenting relies so heavily on the mom?

Oops missed the last two questions..,
Shaving- now that he is older and loves the water, I can set him down to play in the shower while I shave

My husband is very supportive of this parenting style and does not feel left out. L and him have a great relationship. With that said I will say it was difficult in the beginning and he felt left out a little when L was a newborn because there was very little he could do.

But are you always there when he is playing with the little one? Does your husband feel like you are always supervising him? I could see my husband feeling like I don't trust him with our child.

[celiacmom]

Dec 3, 2012 10:15:37 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

Dec 3, 2012 9:14:14 GMT -5 celiacmom said:

Oops missed the last two questions..,
Shaving- now that he is older and loves the water, I can set him down to play in the shower while I shave

My husband is very supportive of this parenting style and does not feel left out. L and him have a great relationship. With that said I will say it was difficult in the beginning and he felt left out a little when L was a newborn because there was very little he could do.

But are you always there when he is playing with the little one? Does your husband feel like you are always supervising him? I could see my husband feeling like I don't trust him with our child.

Yes I am always there. We play as a family. My husband has never expressed concern with that, but it is a good point. I will discuss it with him and let you know.

[knitty]

Dec 2, 2012 22:21:07 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

How are CD'ing and BF'ing attachment parenting? CD especially. I don't think that it can be defined as such at all. BF'ing possibly, but it can also merely be a means for feeding/health vs. AP.

They're not. I know people who'd definitely be called AP and their fully FF baby slept in their own room from day one and refused to be held in a sling. AP is a philosophy that says the child is a person with feelings, and that those feelings need to be respected. It's mindful rather than formulaic.

So, say you have a ten month old who screams bloody murder when not being held, and you don't have a partner. AP says to think about their feelings as well as your own, to balance your need for five bleeding minutes with no-one hanging off you against their conviction that you've disappeared forever. And the solution to the problem would depend how much you minded having them in the shower and how long the phase lasted. Non AP would say you must enforce discipline and show that child who's boss, no matter what, and that giving in would create a monster.

[knitty]

Dec 3, 2012 9:12:21 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Sometimes I wish I could force myself to go to bed when DS goes to bed lol. That sounds liek a fine idea to me.

I would go stark raving bonkers if I did that. Pre-ipad I used to be really annoyed if I fell asleep at the same time as the baby.

[karinothing]

Dec 3, 2012 13:30:50 GMT -5 knitty said:

Dec 3, 2012 9:12:21 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Sometimes I wish I could force myself to go to bed when DS goes to bed lol. That sounds liek a fine idea to me.

I would go stark raving bonkers if I did that. Pre-ipad I used to be really annoyed if I fell asleep at the same time as the baby.

Ha ha. Well, falling asleep at 730 would allow me to probably get 8 hours of sleep! It would be awesome from that perspective.

[froggy76]

The example of extreme AP is mind-boggling to me. Of course, celiacmom sounds like a great mom and knows better than I do what is right for her family. But this would not work for me! IMO, one of the most important things you can do for your child is have a healthy marriage- if you literally have not a single second alone with your spouse (to have sex, talk, etc.), I'm just not sure how that's possible. Also, even if you don't mind your house being a little messy, there is still housework and laundry to do and it seems like the best time to do that is when your kid is asleep. I don't like giving up quality time with DD to do chores that I could do after she's in bed- but I am a working mom so I'm very conscious of how I spend my time with her.

Celiacmom- if you are playing with your DS and DH, and you have to go to the bathroom, you wouldn't just leave them to play on their own for a few minutes? Do you not feel it's important for your DS and DH to develop their relationship with each other? Why do you think your DS can't be without you for even a few minutes so you can take a shower? How does that benefit him? (I am honestly just trying to gain perspective, so sorry if this comes off as judge-y.)

[karinothing]

Also, honest question isn't part of AP to have the attached bond with both parents? It seems kind of one sided for it all to be on mom.

[Deleted]

Dec 2, 2012 22:14:38 GMT -5 h said:

I think of AP practices as including nursing on demand, extended breast feeding, baby-led weaning, baby wearing, co-sleeping, not using CIO, using only positive discipline, limiting separation between mother and infant (which translates to SAHM and in some cases a mom who literally never leaves her infant for some), etc.

I was asked by a friend yesterday what my "parenting philosophy" is, and I said I had no idea. Apparently I am an AP! We do everything on that list but co-sleeping. Feels weird to have a label.

[SusanBAnthony]

Also, the official API feeding verbiage is "feed with love and respect" if I remember correctly. Which is typically interpreted as bf if possible, and if not ff in a similar way (hold baby while feeding, not propping bottles, feed when baby is hungry, not on a strict schedule, etc).

[celiacmom]

Dec 3, 2012 15:13:47 GMT -5 froggy76 said:

The example of extreme AP is mind-boggling to me. Of course, celiacmom sounds like a great mom and knows better than I do what is right for her family. But this would not work for me! IMO, one of the most important things you can do for your child is have a healthy marriage- if you literally have not a single second alone with your spouse (to have sex, talk, etc.), I'm just not sure how that's possible. Also, even if you don't mind your house being a little messy, there is still housework and laundry to do and it seems like the best time to do that is when your kid is asleep. I don't like giving up quality time with DD to do chores that I could do after she's in bed- but I am a working mom so I'm very conscious of how I spend my time with her.

Celiacmom- if you are playing with your DS and DH, and you have to go to the bathroom, you wouldn't just leave them to play on their own for a few minutes? Do you not feel it's important for your DS and DH to develop their relationship with each other? Why do you think your DS can't be without you for even a few minutes so you can take a shower? How does that benefit him? (I am honestly just trying to gain perspective, so sorry if this comes off as judge-y.)

Not judgy- I'm open to answer questions . If I have to go to the bathroom and we are playing I get up and go but every single time my son crawls to me. Before he was crawling he would cry if I was out of site so my husband would bring him to me.
I do feel it is important for DH and L to bond but I follow L's lead and so far that has been that he wants me to be in his line if vision. I am confident as time goes on he will be more ok with me not always being right there.
I think the benefit to this attachment is he knows that I will always be there if and when he needs.

[celiacmom]

Oh and the cleaning...I clean but not when L is sleeping. I just wear him and do laundry,dishes,vacuuming and cooking.

[kimibrighteyes]

This works a lot better with a singleton than with twins :-)
There are a lot of things that I wasn't able to do with the boys that I did with DD

[Deleted]

Dec 3, 2012 22:59:53 GMT -5 kimibrighteyes said:

This works a lot better with a singleton than with twins :-)
There are a lot of things that I wasn't able to do with the boys that I did with DD

Yeah I'm wondering how hard core APers stick to their guns when #2 comes along.