winnied , I know she was sick, but it is very hard not to be angry. Especially when her kid had to witness what he witnessed.
Absolutely, your anger is absolutely valid. My cousin died by suicide last year and his nephew (adult, but still) found him. It's horrible and has downstream effects for years and years to come.
I'm really sorry for your loss and can understand the guilt and concern you're experiencing. As someone who has struggled with depression for 25+ years, all I can tell you is that yes, they were sick, and sometimes the mind betrays you and you have the right(wrong) time and right (wrong) opportunity to act on the wrong things your brain is telling you. Just you even showing up and being her friend was, I'm sure, a balm to her soul and a comfort.
I know sometimes people view death by suicide as selfish, and while I can't speak for everyone, I'll share that in moments I've really struggled it makes all the sense in the world that *I* am the common denominator of all that's wrong in the world and that, if I wasn't around, the people I love and who I know love me wouldn't be burdened anymore. It's hard to explain, and it doesn't make sense to a healthy, rational mind.
Sometimes it helps if you play a sport REALLY well. But think of it in this way if she wants to go to a DIV I school then she has to be able to play really well at a div. 1 level. So her athleticism then has to match the smarts if she wants to take advantage of getting in as an athlete.
And the less popular/common your sport is that can help. My friend and several of her sisters played field hockey at Div 1 schools but like, we only have 1 high school in our tri-county area that even has a team, so there's less competition for a Div 1 school in the midwest at least. In addition to their strong athleticism they were strong academics as well.
My nephew is really strong in basketball and soccer but those are very popular and he just lacks the height for basketball long-term. He was truly shocked that no one scouted him (he shouldn't have been, his parents were very practical with him all through high school) because he was good at his school, in his town.
I don't have a kid in HS yet but my nephew just got accepted to U. of Michigan. When my husband and I were in HS it was almost impossible to get into UM unless you were top 10 in your class (we live in MI FWIW). My nephew took AP classes, got good test scores, and played year round sports but wasn't a rockstar at anything but a valuable asset to his teams. He worked very little and volunteered with his church every week with his parents. That's it. No major awe-inspiring life experiences, no additional extra curriculars, nothing is particularly note-worthy except his natural intellect.
That's all to say it's totally dependent who else applies when your kid applies but grades and scores matter. Especially with top school electing to review SAT scores again, those matter.
For whatever it's worth, I'm the least educated (only undergrad) in my and my husband's families and our core friend group and I out earn all of them. I am nothing special. I got lucky, was in the right place at the right time for some key connections, and I worked hard. I am not brilliant or especially talented at anything. Is income the greatest predictor of happiness? Not at all (though I am v. happy, for other reasons) but that and *prestige* seem to work people up a lot.
As I raise my littles I am going to try to hold myself accountable to let them be themselves, follow what they enjoy and are naturally good at, and that they have a strong work ethic.
Other great recommendations so far. H and I did an architecture tour, self-guided in that we showed up where/when we wanted to but we did get a tour of one or two places.
If you wanted to do a food tour you could get coney dogs, Detroit pizza, Sister Pie, pierogi from Polish Village Cafe, head out to Dearborn for some great Middle Eastern food.
I live in GR but did a little tourism on the East Side because my family never went there for anything (we always went to Chicago, where our extended family lives).
I live in a heavily Christian area with both Protestants and Catholics. Many of our closures happened 10-15 years ago because of our local economy having issues and most of it was schools consolidating. Our two main Christian communities are Roman Catholic and a small (but significant here) Reformed denomination. I only know of 1 church that has closed and it was literally one block away from 2 other churches of the same faith in an urban area. The area became more commercial over decades v. residential, so it made sense.
My husband's denomination (the large Reformed one here) is in a bit of crisis. It's a combination of it being very heritage-based and people moving away, marrying into other faiths and people of different backgrounds. The church doesn't appeal to people not already part of it/part of that heritage, especially when there are bigger, mainline Protestant denominations that seem just as good, if you will.
That church also made a decision that is viewed very against the LGBTQ community and, as such, a number of its churches have threatened to leave and either become non-denominational or join the other denomination that is basically identical to this one that has a shared heritage.
My Catholic parish is thriving with young families but my parents' parish, just down the road, is interesting to watch. They're building out their school and an early childhood center but mass attendance is definitely way down. I think parents with money started to send their kids to that parish school but don't intend on practicing the Catholic faith.
I'd be curious to know if tithing/financial contributions have decreased over decades in terms of percentage of households contributing, and at what percentage.
The thing that really was ODD was that Amanda was hired as a teacher for a short period but was absent so much from being "sick", then she was a camp counselor for a while, which then landed her a job as a PRINCIPAL???
This does not happen (or shouldn't happen IMO) in real life without at least a Master's, several years of classroom teaching, ed leadership, curriculum development, I could go on...
Private Christian school so does not surprise me
Yup. Some Christian schools have standards as high or higher than public schools but some basically just check that you're a Christian adult and have a pulse and that apparently qualifies you.
I forgot who said it, but someone commented that with how smart she was she could have done something really actually valuable v. scamming people.
It blows my mind that she *STILL* hasn't admitted she didn't/doesn't have cancer.
My heart breaks for her little boys because of how traumatizing it can be to have a sick parent let alone one who is faking the whole damn thing.
Yes, 5 years ago H and I moved back to our hometown, near our parents and siblings among other relatives and a few friends (though not many). We left behind our close friend group.
Part of the reason was to have our kids (not born yet) live near family, have family support, and know our nieces/nephews. We just had our second daughter in November and she was born with a few disabilities. Our village stepped up for us in a big way (and they did with our older daughter, too.) Our village includes our families (my SIL lives down the street), our neighbors who watched our oldest while we were in the NICU, and our church community.
We took the risk of losing our jobs. We still work for the jobs we had before, remotely, but we know it's not a guarantee we'll always have these ones.
We miss our friends in our old city a lot. We're still close, but they're not part of our weekly or monthly lives, of course. I think it would have happened anyway as we are the only ones who have kids. We need a village on the level of hosting my daughter for playdates every weekend day while we're in the NICU, someone driving my husband to the hospital when I had to deliver our first kid, someone who is able and willing to help babysit when daycare is closed/sick kid/date night.
I also moved to help care for my parents as they age. They independent still but I've had to coach/hold them accountable to things like getting hearing aids, going to PT, getting skin cancer removed, etc. It's stuff I couldn't help with or even know about unless I lived here.
Another reason for our move is a different culture. We loved living in the city during our 20's but kids living in that area weren't living the kind of lives we wanted for our girls.
I rarely have cash and even when I do, I do not give cash.
I carry vouchers for a local mission that people can trade in for services like showers, laundry, locker rentals, etc. as the mission already provides meals. Most people where I live know of the mission and how to get to it. I've only had 1 person decline a voucher, not sure why.
If someone asks for food, I buy a meal if I feel the situation is safe (other people around, or if I'm with others) in the case of someone on the street. If someone needs food from a FB group or whatever else, yes, I contribute.
My house also overlooks a creek with a bridge over it where at least once each winter someone seeks shelter. My husband and I put together care packages with things like shelf-stable foods that don't require cooking, toiletries, clothing, etc. and he will go down there to give them the care package. He asks them if they need help getting to the missions downtown (we live only a short bus ride away from them), in terms of directions or a bus card, which we also provide. Our goal isn't to kick them out of the public space, but our winters are harsh and dangerous here and we want them to be safe.
I also encourage everyone to make eye contact with the person you're helping and, if they are a regular on your route, ask their name. They want to be seen, known, and acknowledged as a fellow human being.
My decisions are informed by my family members who have been homeless.
Not me but my H. We have two dogs who are "more" hypoallergenic, as really, it can vary individual dog to individual dog. But, he does very well with them both. His sister, however, is very allergic still to one of them. He still plays with our neighborhood dogs like goldens but is quite allergic and has to really wash his hands, change his clothes, and maybe even shower before bed. Because it's fairly minimal, it doesn't take any medication to manage it.
One of my friends isn't allergic to the dander (is that it?) but is allergic to dog saliva. She has a lab/pit mix and just deals with the puppy kisses.
Other than liking Disney, we had other reasons: 1) Poor. We had our hotel covered by my FIL's points at Disney. Flights are also cheap to Orlando. Of course, tickets themselves are expensive but that was really it 2) I cannot vacation in tropical places/where a lot of people go for honeymoons. I'm a fair-skinned Scottish and Irish gal and constantly bathing in sunscreen did not sound fun to me. It still doesn't and I still don't go. 3) We were babies when we got married and weren't old enough to rent a car which limited a lot of our choices.
So, the common places of Europe, Hawaii, and beach resorts were not going to work for us.
I grew up on Disney and my mom worked for them so we got free tickets every year. I love the nostalgia, how well things are done and maintained, etc. I've only been and have interest in the American parks, though. When I went to France, I was not about to spend time and money at the park outside Paris.
We have 529s set up and contribute a bit, but who knows how much college will cost in 15-20 years. We are also hoping H gets a job teaching FT where he's an adjunct now (and where he went.) Costs would be almost entirely covered there, but the girls won't be required to go there.
I like the way my in-laws managed it for their kids (my FIL taught at the university they all ended up attending). They can go anywhere they want and their parents would pay up to half of whatever isn't covered by scholarship or financial aid. It worked out nicely that they all chose the very cheap option.
It's not our top priority TBH. I hope the job market/society changes enough to recognize that there are many, many jobs you do not need a degree for. Education for the sake of education is wonderful and I encourage it, but college isn't the only way to get it and it shouldn't be the only way to get a job either. Now, if our girls want to be a 4th generation engineer then college is needed.
I've always prioritized skin care so that I don't have to wear as much make up. I've changed brands and such over the years but right now I'm using Beauty Counter with a consultant I don't personally know (huzzah, no harrassment! No pressure!). I like that they have regimens that are easy to figure out. If I recall they also have a quiz online to figure out what you may want, based on your individual skin care needs. I don't think you have to buy through a consultant, FYI.
Cleanse: regular old Dove bar Tone: Beauty Counter (BC) toner. I didn't buy into toner for a long time but I can see how it improves the outcomes overall. It helps your skin better absorb the other products you're using. It's an extra cleaner, if you will. Serum: BC gray bottle Moisturizer: Neutrogena SPF 35. I prioritize the higher SPF bc I'm hella pale and the higher SPF was recommended by my derm. Eye cream: Eminence Plum Eye Cream. I switch up eye creams a bit here and there. When I got a facial my esthetician raved about this stuff and I'm pleased as well.
Once a week(ish) I'll use a clay mask. Right now I have a sample from BC but otherwise I use whatever I find at Target.
I exfoliate cleanse 1-2x/week with St. Ives green tea something or other.
I also have BC sample for some night time serum that I use 1-2x/week. It's nice! For people with higher skin needs they seem to find it makes a big difference.
*big tip* Whatever you're putting on your face, put on your neck and decolletage as well. You could have a gorgeous face and then a turkey neck because you ignored that area and it gets a lot of sun/environmental exposure!
Because of all this and probably decent genes I don't wear face make up (foundation, powder, etc.) Just eye make up, blush, and lipstick when I feel like it.
This seems terrifying. My rush experience was totally different. There were still songs, skits, special parties/events to attend, but with...normal people.
I went to a small college in the North and loved my sorority experience. Our dues were somewhere between $200-300/semester in the early '00s. Living in the house was a separate cost, but it was actually cheaper than dorms with a meal plan.
The schools/chapters with high dues are just so that rich kids can have over the top parties and tons of crap. You need very little to sustain a Greek chapter! In my chapter, if you wanted swag for a date party that was an extra, separate, optional cost. You only bought the stuff you wanted.
I was an advisor for my sorority at a chapter in the Mid-Atlantic region. They didn't have houses or lodges, their dues in the 2010's were also around $250/semester. Rush was also not an insane experience.
As an alumni chapter president in the Mid-Atlantic, I was asked by HS seniors to complete recommendations for them to Alabama. No other school, just Alabama. One of Alabama's advisors told one of my peers that they would "never bring someone in that wasn't from the South." Clearly, they have a different set of values down there. It shows how superficial and unkind Greek life can be.
I keep it professional/boring most of the time. During my maternity leave I wrote something to the effect of enjoying baby snuggles and sleepless nights, but that's as far as I go.
I'm in a midsized midwestern city and things are slowing down here. I've noticed that homes that previously would have sold in a week are on the market for over a month. Pricy homes/areas are slashing prices to sell. The "cheaper" homes, though, are staying price-stable at the higher prices they've asked.
No major changes. Our hard set expenses are living well below our income level so we would be able to pay the essentials even if one of us lost our jobs. We have decent job security and we make about the same amount so we wouldn't be totally SOL if one of us lost our jobs. Major potential costs have been paid in the last couple years (new roof, new AC, etc.) so barring any major life incidents requiring medical bills and otherwise, we should be OK.
The main concern if one of us lost our jobs would be daycare. We could pull our daughter, of course, but then getting her back into one if/when we get a new job would be impossible. It would probably be the last thing we cut entirely, we would try to just go down to fewer days.
I have an 18 mo old and another on the way so these things are very fresh!
-swaddles and sleep sacks (I like Halo best because their swaddles can be used as swaddles or just sleep sacks/wearable blankets) -noise machine -bottle variety pack from Babylist -wipe holder. Those damn wipes are impossible to pull out one-handed without a little weight of the holder -play mat -endless supply of burb cloths -microwave sterilizing bags -Zapano baby booties. They stay on much better than socks -If in cold weather, a winter car seat cover (JJ Cole, Skip Hop Duo) -If in cold weather, a "warmie" stuffed animal. You heat the stuffed animal for 1 min in the microwave and it helps keep baby warm. I only put on her legs and certainly over other layers -If in cold weather (seeing a theme yet?) stroller muff for mom -If in cold weather, bear suit (v. coat) for baby
Agreed on variety is key. I thought I wanted to go to a Big 10 school or a large Catholic university. Ultimately, I chose the tiny liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere and it was a great fit. We only toured it because my mom wanted me to get a full perspective of options and it was a couple hours from home and we got a brochure in the mail.
Some schools have tours that are a couple of hours, some have all day tours where you're buddied with a student, and some even have overnight stays. I really appreciated the opportunity to sit in on a class, to get a feel for the student engagement, professors, etc.
When I compared U of Michigan with a lecture hall that could fit more than my entire high school with the tiny school with a 12:1 student to prof ratio, it felt better for me.
I also wouldn't rule out schools based on cost. HEAR ME OUT. Some of the schools that seem really expensive have huge endowment and scholarship programs. Ask a lot of questions from financial aid to understand opportunities for merit and income-based scholarships. The private school I went to was equal if not more affordable than the Big 10 schools in my state.
We like a quieter beach, which is why some of the Carolina beaches have been good for us. We don’t need things to do other than the beach. Maybe a restaurant or two. We also prefer an area with low rise condos and houses, not huge hotels/condos.
Kids will be 10 and 7.
I love the beaches on the more southern parts of the Outer Banks, NC. We've stayed primarily in Avon and Hatteras. There are a few putt putt places and a handful of small restaurants, but otherwise it's houses and quiet, GLORIOUS, beaches.
I wonder what my life had been like if I went to the boarding school I received an offer to my sophmore year of high school. I decided against it because I wanted to stay close to my POS, abusive boyfriend.
Given my student loan burden, I wonder if I had chosen a different school, or no college at all. I seriously considered no college and instead moving to Chicago and taking improv classes to see where that went. I initially only went to college because my parents have it in their will that I get nothing if I didn't graduate college. Given their finances, that's not a huge sell now that I know more.
I sometimes regret not having children sooner, but given my shitty care in the city I used to live in, I'm not confident things would have gone well.
I definitely regret not going on anti-depressants and going to therapy sooner, but especially the anti-depressants. I had grown so used to feeling the way I did, I thought that was just...life.
I wish I had gotten a nose piercing when I was younger. Of course I *can* do it now, but it seems like a mid-life crisis move.
I have a 9 month old so this is all pretty fresh in my mind. If someone doesn't already have it or registered for it, I've been getting people velcro swaddles (3-5) and a noise machine that doesn't rely on batteries or has a timer. Good sleep is the greatest gift you can give new parents!
I got a ton of blankets, we use very few.
I have found burp cloths and non-bandana bibs to be crucial. The bandana ones are certainly cute but sit funny and end up annoying my baby.
Update: I've decided I want to hike el Camino de Santiago. Maybe not the full trail (takes 4-6 weeks) but at least 1 week of it. I talked to H about it and we'd like to do it when our daughter is in high school or college. It's a good motivator to keep my body in shape!
I disliked school most of k-12 with a few good years. A lot of it was dependent on the teacher I had and my parents being dedicated to fostering curiosity versus learning facts or achieving certain metrics. But all of this depends on things like:
1) Does he have a a friend or two? 2) Is he being bullied in any way? 3) Is the style of education in the school working for him? 4) Does he like any subjects? Can you focus on the things he does enjoy and and seem good at?
For example, I like learning but I hated a lot of book we were forced to read and I hated the CONSTANT project-based learning with teams and/or art projects associated with everything. I hate team work (I know, horrible to say) and I'm terrible at art. This being huge in 2 of the schools I went to made it miserable.
I'm going to look into this. It seems to really benefit the already wealthy, educated families who can navigate all this. When I went to college (I'm a Millennial), it was hard for me to navigate the different options. I had to apply for new aid every year and did get a lot covered. Most of my friends and their parents had no idea they had to/could do that. Most of my friends graduated with a ton of debt, if not from undergrad, then grad school.
We used to want a 2nd home/vacation home but now that FIL has one and we (among my husbands siblings) are expected to help maintain it, it sucks the fun right out of that dream.
We can age in our house so then my hope/dream is that we can just rent homes for a few weeks or months every year either in the same or different locations.
I'd love to downshift in my career as soon as possible, which depends on a variety of things, including if H will take a pay cut to do his dream job (teaching at a small college).
My goals seems simple, but as cheesy as it is, I hope to just love big and if I get to do other cool stuff, great.
The lobby had dim lighting with very neutral music playing AND white noise. It also had water, coffee, tea, to grab if you wanted it.
Her office itself had natural light, a visible clock, and multiple seating options. Her chairs weren't overly comfortable, but they never bothered me. I'm short so many "comfy" chairs are too big for me and are actually uncomfortable because my either my feet cannot reach the floor or I can't sit all the way back and relax my upper body.