Go view your Timeline as "the public" does. You'll probably be shocked. You're welcome.
How did he even find you on FB in the first place if he didn't know your married name?
I had it listed as Betty HerLastName HisLastName. Only friends of friends were supposed to be able to find me. And we have no mutual friends. But after the timeline everything changed I guess because he obviously did find me.
Wait, didn't he already come to your city and you left, since you had read it in one of his emails?
What is your reason for not moving to a new city (within the same country - even metro area), changing your name, and closing that email address so that the emails bounce? That doesn't require giving up your business and getting new visas...
Would you be comfortable with a firearm? Several have suggested it. Usually just pulling out the gun on someone (who is unarmed) is enough to get them to back off.
He came to my city when I lived in the US. That was about 6-7 years ago. Since then, I've moved several times and now live in my husband's hometown. Which happens to also be in his country.
It's not so easy for us to leave because my husband is involved with his family's business.
Handguns are illegal here. But my FIL has some hunting rifles. DH knows how to shoot and we could bring one to the house. I need to learn.
I don't really want an obit published in a newspaper. Just a fake obit published online in what APPEARS to be a legit newspaper, maybe from a small town. Credible enough to fool a foreigner whose first language isn't English.
Loved ones are highly unlikely to come across this online - who Googles their kid everyday? - and if they did, they would realize that:
a. I am still alive so this must not really be me and/or b. they would have heard from family if I'd actually died
Have your Husband send out an email to everyone on your list that says "I regret to inform you that so and so had passed away on such and such a date, this email address will be shut down. Thanks for respecting our privacy during these hard times."
How hard would that be? Seriously. If he proceeds to stalk you more, than oh well. Not all obits show up online and they aren't in all newspapers. If you're SO into this.
Thank you. That is actually really good advice and could be a very easy solution.
I think we're really done here, you're talking in circles and not listening to any of the real advice that's been given.
Just for shits and giggles,
WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND SAY??
I've already answered that question.
One the one hand, he realizes that 12 years of unrequited emails is crazy. But he feels that he can protect me and we shouldn't uproot our entire life and move to another country just because this guy MIGHT find me. Again, we live in a huge city and my name's not in the phonebook.
I think we're really done here, you're talking in circles and not listening to any of the real advice that's been given.
Just for shits and giggles,
WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND SAY??
I've already answered that question.
One the one hand, he realizes that 12 years of unrequited emails is crazy. But he feels that he can protect me and we shouldn't uproot our entire life and move to another country just because this guy MIGHT find me. Again, we live in a huge city and my name's not in the phonebook.
I think we're really done here, you're talking in circles and not listening to any of the real advice that's been given.
Just for shits and giggles,
WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND SAY??
I've already answered that question.
One the one hand, he realizes that 12 years of unrequited emails is crazy. But he feels that he can protect me and we shouldn't uproot our entire life and move to another country just because this guy MIGHT find me. Again, we live in a huge city and my name's not in the phonebook.
Aren't you worried that friends and family will freak out if they see your obit in the paper? Or are you going to warn them ahead of time on FB?
Oh wait...FB isn't your friend, right?
I don't really want an obit published in a newspaper. Just a fake obit published online in what APPEARS to be a legit newspaper, maybe from a small town. Credible enough to fool a foreigner whose first language isn't English.
Loved ones are highly unlikely to come across this online - who Googles their kid everyday? - and if they did, they would realize that:
a. I am still alive so this must not really be me and/or b. they would have heard from family if I'd actually died
- move out of the country where we've built our life - involve the police when he's actually broken no laws in this country - cancel the email account as it's actually given me valuable info regarding his whereabouts/intentions in the past
What I do want:
- info on a credible source for faking online articles, obituaries, etc.
Your reluctance to do anything sane and automatically want to present yourself as dead is what makes me believe that you've been speaking to him and now shit got deep and you don't want your Husband finding out or him randomly showing up and outing you.
You very well could be stalked but let's be honest, you do not want to do a damn SANE thing about it.
I have not spoken/corresponded/communicated with him in 12 years. If I had done that, there's no reason to hide it from the board.
Anyway, this idea hasn't JUST popped into my mind. I've thought about it for years. "If he just thought I was dead, he'd give up." The recent email with specific info that he'd lifted from my timeline - I THOUGHT MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT WAS SET TO 100% PRIVATE - has really scared me. Now I know that he knows my city. This is scary. I felt much safer before.
Do you and he still have any mutual friends? Has he ever tried to contact your family in the past 12 years? If he knows your dog's name, does he also know that you are married with kids? Don't fake your death, that shit barely works in the movies and has the potential of backfiring majorly.
No mutual friends. I cut all of those ties long ago to distance myself from him.
He knows my dog's name because a pic of him came up in my timeline and a friend commented, "Oh, Fido is so cute!"
He knows I'm married. Kids didn't come up in the timeline, so I don't think he knows about them.
I don't want to REALLY fake my death. I just want a credible obituary, etc. that I can somehow make sure he reads.
I think people started off giving her very good advice.
But she doesn't want the advice. She wants to bump herself off.
This is correct. I do not want to:
- move out of the country where we've built our life - involve the police when he's actually broken no laws in this country - cancel the email account as it's actually given me valuable info regarding his whereabouts/intentions in the past
What I do want:
- info on a credible source for faking online articles, obituaries, etc.
I feel like there's an awful lot of victim blaming going on around here. With reactions like this, I can't imagine why she'd be hesitant to go to the police.
Seriously. And people wonder why posters use AEs.
It's so easy to sit back and judge when you've never been faced with this. "Why would you answer the door? You don't know about email receipts? Only an IDIOT would have a PRIVATE Facebook account and then be blindsided by new privacy changes when Timeline came into effect! OMG, you're such a drama queen - this guy with a violent past who's been emailing you for 12 years with no response surely means no harm!!!"
Yeah, but when the "stalkee" refuses to do something as simple as get a new email address... All her credibility goes out the window. Most stalking victims would be open to doing the very basic things to getting their stalker away from them.
I don't know, maybe if she honestly feels he'll email her when he's coming around to stake out her house and gives her a chance to get away then that's better then not knowing. Although I do tend to agree with you otherwise.
I do have another address. I've used Gmail for a really long time, and he's never written me there. But I've kept the Hotmail address for junk mail AND to keep tabs on him. If I hadn't received the email about him "coming to visit," for example, I would have been home that day and I would have answered the door. I'm SO GLAD I got his email and left town that weekend.
Anyone else starting to feel sorry for the "stalker"? Like this guy asked her out once, took no for am answer and moved on with his life... and she's a fucking nutbag and has convinced herself over the years that he's stalking her?
Thanks, that's lovely insight. We actually dated for 2 years. He went nutso after about a year and I eventually left the country (the US, where we both lived at the time) to get away from him. The emails are all coming from one direction - his.
Ok a serious thought. Maybe he's continuing to email you because he has a 'Read Receipt' on the emails he sends you and sees that you're actually opening the emails he's sending you. It's not advice, and I dno't know what you'd do with this info, but it's something to think about
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I have no idea what a read receipt is... Does Hotmail do this? Will it tell him if I've read his emails?
Yes, exactly. Nothing says "stringing a guy along for years" than completely ignoring his emails for 12 years. I'm obviously encouraging him.
Well you sure have flip flopped on him this whole thread. First he's pretty much nuts, then he only writes sweet e-mails.
You're not very consistent. And you don't want help.
I think you just get off on the idea of faking your own death. And that's weird.
You're weird.
I haven't flip-flopped at all. He is nuts. And his emails are sweet. Most likely in an effort to entice my response, doncha think? The other evidence is what it is. Who writes someone for 12 YEARS when they've told you to leave them alone?
I told him 12 years ago that I was done and wanted NOTHING to do with him. Since then, no I have not emailed him back. I will not give him the pleasure. He has tried every manipulative trick to get me to respond (he's dying, his sister needs help and ONLY I CAN PROVIDE IT, he has a business opportunity for me, etc.). Responding will only encourage him. A response from me would be his dream come true.
Whelp. We're all pretty sure faking your death won't work, and you're convinced our suggestions won't work, so good luck.
I'm convinced that faking my death won't hurt and COULD work. What do I have to lose?
Let's say the obituary says I died overseas (on a trip to the US) and my ashes were scattered there... He would have: no funeral to attend, no grave to visit, and (most importantly) no reason to look for me.
You honestly sound like one of those women who strings along the guy for years but you get tired of it one day and all of a sudden "omg he's crazy and wants me!" Instead, you probably never said "look dillhole, leave me alone, I do not want you". ETA: So say it AGAIN. Or get a restraining order.
Yes, exactly. Nothing says "stringing a guy along for years" than completely ignoring his emails for 12 years. I'm obviously encouraging him.
Yes, EXACTLY. I have no legal leg to stand on UNTIL HE SHOWS UP AND DOES SOMETHING. So as you can imagine, the police won't take me very seriously. And he hasn't broken any laws in this country.
So buy a gun, learn to use it, and get on with your life instead of agonizing over how to fake your own death when this guy probably doesn't know anything more than that you got married and are now living in a city of four million people.
Thanks, you're probably right. I guess I'm just so shook up because I'd gone so long without him having a clue to my whereabouts... I felt safe. His email last night rocked me to the core.
Again, have you in the last 10 years asked him to stop?
I told him 12 years ago that I was done and wanted NOTHING to do with him. Since then, no I have not emailed him back. I will not give him the pleasure. He has tried every manipulative trick to get me to respond (he's dying, his sister needs help and ONLY I CAN PROVIDE IT, he has a business opportunity for me, etc.). Responding will only encourage him. A response from me would be his dream come true.
He supposedly showed up to your new apartment? What dies that mean? Did he or didn't he?
Neighbors said a man fitting his description was knocking on doors and asking for me during the time that he'd mentioned he'd be in town. I left town because he'd emailed me this info. Of course I cannot prove that it was him, but who else was it?
"Why'd you have him killed, ma'am?" "Well, he's been sending me politely worded emails for 12 years. I just got tired of it."
right?
Yes, EXACTLY. I have no legal leg to stand on UNTIL HE SHOWS UP AND DOES SOMETHING. So as you can imagine, the police won't take me very seriously. And he hasn't broken any laws in this country.
All he knows at this moment (I THINK), is the city where I live. That city is huge. Well over 4M people. And everything's listed under my DH's last name (which wasn't available on Timeline). So it's not like he can just look me up in the phone book.
But it's a matter of time, maybe. What I was thinking is the possibility of an online obituary. And then having that sent out to all the contacts in my Hotmail account (obviously, just to him) by the "executor" of my estate. So then he'd think I'd died and leave me alone.
In your OP you said he now knows your married last name, here you say he doesn't. Which is it?
Sorry, DH has two last names: mother's last name and father's last name. The one I go by socially that was on Facebook isn't the one that our address, bills, etc. is listed under.
1. Why would you trust your real last name (even if it's your married name) and current city on the world wide web if this guy has been consistently contacting you? I mean who the fuck cares if you have a life established somewhere. NONE OF IT MATTERS IF YOUR SAFETY IS AT RISK!
2. say you do get a news article saying youre dead. How do you suppose you'd get that info to him?
Answers:
1 - I didn't put my married name out there. I don't think he has that. Again, I didn't think ANY of this was public. Timeline changed things. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, CHECK YOUR FREAKING TIMELINES AS VIEWED BY THE "PUBLIC."
2 - I'd have the "executor" of my estate (me) send it out to all (just him) my Hotmail contacts.
If you fake your own death don't you have to, like, disappear?
I'm not an expert in these matters but something tells me that faking your death then continuing to live in your house, run your business, take your children to the same school, etc., will not be so effective.
All he knows at this moment (I THINK), is the city where I live. That city is huge. Well over 4M people. And everything's listed under my DH's last name (which wasn't available on Timeline). So it's not like he can just look me up in the phone book.
But it's a matter of time, maybe. What I was thinking is the possibility of an online obituary. And then having that sent out to all the contacts in my Hotmail account (obviously, just to him) by the "executor" of my estate. So then he'd think I'd died and leave me alone.
Exactly. His emails insinuate that I actually WANT to meet up with him. "I'm going to be in X city on X date. Would love to catch up over dinner. Please tell me your address so I can pick you up." No, just no.
yes, but has he ever done anything more than this??
Things he did while we were "together":
- Chased me with his car - Burned all pictures with exes - Was insanely jealous - Followed me places - May have tried to burn down my house (can't prove this) - Hacked into my email to spy on me
Things he did after I left the US (where he was) and moved to a DIFFERENT country:
- Went to my grandparents' house asking for my address in third country - Ditto at my dad's house - Wrote emails - Continued to hack my email until I figured it out - Had "friends" call me and fish for info - Supposedly showed up at new apartment once I'd moved back to US. I swiftly moved to new apartment.
So maybe he does just want to have a coffee and chill. Or maybe he wants to kill me. It's hard to tell. But not fun to live it.
I'm still curious about your husband's reaction to all this.
DH doesn't know what to think. On the one hand, the emails have been really sweet over the last 8 years or so that we've been together. On the other hand, he wasn't there when things were really bad. So he's not sure what to expect. He also thinks he can "protect" me.