Bil dated this girl. They broke up, she found out she was pregnant. They got engaged. Lived together. Then he was a jerk and she broke up with him, for good reason. Then they got back together. Then she caught him trying to cheat on her. Broke up again, she says this time for good.
BIL moved home, here where I live. The ex and the child live about 9 hours away. They share custody with him getting the child for a week every month or so.
We have not seen the ex in over a year and a half. Nice girl, very friendly and she still talks to the inlaws and is really good about "sharing" the child.
BIL has had a few girlfriends. Nothing serious.
Now it's his time to have his child. He gets a week with the child, this week. And then he is going down to spend Christmas with the child, at his ex's house. They are still on friendly terms and he did this last Christmas too.
The ex came up too. She came with the child and is staying at BIL's house for the week.
We are all confused. They act like a couple- they asked MIL to babysit so they could see a movie one night, etc. But we haven't seen this girl in over a year, and they both say they are not a couple. BIL admits they are sleeping together but aren't a couple.
It's weird. Do I get her a gift?? We always did when they were together but when they broke up we stopped. She won't be here for Christmas but they are doing a gift opening with their child this week....
I know MIL got her some gifts. DH says we don't, since she isn't here for Christmas day and they aren't a couple. I say we get her something small.
I say no. You haven't seen or talked to her in a year and a half. Just becuase she's sleeping with a member of your family doesn't mean you need to get her a gift. And if I'm understanding correctly, you won't even see her for Christmas, she's just spending it with your family?
She is here visiting for a week. So we will probably all have dinner at the In laws, and we will have them over or something so we get to see their child. MIL is giving them all presents and they are doing a little gift opening/pretend Christmas this week for the child.
At the end of the week, she is going home and BIL is going with her to spend Christmas with their child all together as a family.
I don't think her relationship with your BIL is the important part. She's the mother of your neice/nephew and she will be there for a gift-exchange (even if it's not on xmas day).
get her something small. Scarf/hat/gloves kinda stuff is always a good fallback. (it's what i just bought for my BIL's girlfriend that I barely know)
But WE won't be there for any gift giving. They are going to the in laws house one day this week and doing a pretend Christmas morning for the kid. DH and I are working and won't be there.
I just felt like at some point while she is here we should hand her a gift....
Sigh...I think my problem is I don't want to get her a gift. I feel like they need to either be a couple or not, and so I am mad that they are putting the rest of the family in this awkward position of wondering what is going on.
I guess we just be nice and get her a gift. Even if she is just here for a week of sex. +o(
Yeah, I don't expect a gift from her. I just feel like we should because in years past we always did, when they were a couple. It's so weird and awkward.... no one knows what is going on with them. MIL wasn't even sure where she was staying, with them in their guest room or with BIL at his place.
I'm gonna say this again peach - and I mean it nicely - her relationship, or lack thereof, with your BIL is irrelevant. She can have sex with whoever she wants.
She's the mother of your niece/nephew and will be there for a gift exchange. It's rude to leave her out because you're annoyed that they are having casual sex. Not.your.problem.
If you don't like her for some reason that actually has to do with YOU, that's one thing. But her and BIL's sex life is not your business.
So you won't be there for an actual gift exchange with them? If this is true, I say no. If you will be there for an actual gift exchange, I'd get something small. I mean you don't hear, speak or talk to her otherwise during the course of the year, so I wouldn't bother. Your inlaws with whom she seems to communicate do, so they're justified.
Wawa...there is no gift exchange. The in laws are giving her gifts and the kid gifts. She is not giving gifts to anyone. We are not giving a gift to BIL - his gift will wait until he gets home after Christmas. It's not like we are all passing around gifts in front of her and leaving her out.
Like the PP said - if we give her a gift, it will be an awkward "here, have a gift" thing. She won't have a gift for us, and we won't be there for any sort of gift giving/exchange of any sort. No one will be giving us any gifts.
It's not like she would sit there while everyone else got gifts and she doesn't. The in laws got her a bunch of very nice presents, because they are giving the kid presents and wanted her to be included.
She, BIL, the kid....they are going to the in laws one day. The in laws are giving all three of them a bunch of gifts, so they can have a pretend Christmas morning with the kid who won't be here for Christmas. we are not involved in this in any way.
When we see them, it will be for a family dinner. If we give her a gift, it would be the only gift given at the event. I doubt she has a gift for us, and that might make her feel weird.
I think you are maybe misunderstanding the situation...simma down!
Regardless of what this chick's relationship is with BIL, peach isn't going to even see her. Hasn't seen her in a year and a half. And she's not left out, her MIL got her some gifts. Just because this woman is spending some Christmas time with peach's family shouldn't make her obligated to ger her a gift.
Wawa...there is no gift exchange. The in laws are giving her gifts and the kid gifts. She is not giving gifts to anyone. We are not giving a gift to BIL - his gift will wait until he gets home after Christmas. It's not like we are all passing around gifts in front of her and leaving her out.
Like the PP said - if we give her a gift, it will be an awkward "here, have a gift" thing. She won't have a gift for us, and we won't be there for any sort of gift giving/exchange of any sort. No one will be giving us any gifts.
It's not like she would sit there while everyone else got gifts and she doesn't. The in laws got her a bunch of very nice presents, because they are giving the kid presents and wanted her to be included.
She, BIL, the kid....they are going to the in laws one day. The in laws are giving all three of them a bunch of gifts, so they can have a pretend Christmas morning with the kid who won't be here for Christmas. we are not involved in this in any way.
When we see them, it will be for a family dinner. If we give her a gift, it would be the only gift given at the event. I doubt she has a gift for us, and that might make her feel weird.
I think you are maybe misunderstanding the situation...simma down!
This makes sense to me now. I say skip it. No one needs an awkward moment where you got a gift for her but she didn't return it. And really, you're all grown adults, no one needs more trinkety crap in their life. I know you're an awesome gift giver, but really when you don't hardly communicate with someone what could you possibly buy them that isn't trinkety crap or screams, "Here. Have this. Didn't know what else to get you! Enjoy your generic sentiment." Could you just buy her a drink at dinner and call it a day? In a "Merry Christmas, glad to see you!" sort of way?
I never said it was my business . I just dont know gift protocol for the girl your BIL is sleeping with but insists they are not a couple/we have absolutely NO contact with/she randomly just showed up here/the entire family is all upset, confused, and awkward over it. It's not just me...the in laws are very WTF and awkward about this whole thing..
My brother is the one who usually creates drama. I have no plans to bring a gift in case whoever he is seeing happens to show up at Christmas; not my problem.
In summary: Team WOP! Wawa: I don't think peach is side eyeing the situation or refusing to give a gift on some moral ground. More like she's telling us this story for reference so we have background info to form an opinion.
If she'd had said, "BILs ex is coming for Christmas. They're f*ck buddies and have a kid together. She's nice enough but we won't be seeing them for more than dinner, do I get a gift?" Would that change your answer. I think most of us would say, "Enjoy dinner and call it a day."
I never said it was my business . I just dont know gift protocol for the girl your BIL is sleeping with but insists they are not a couple/we have absolutely NO contact with/she randomly just showed up here/the entire family is all upset, confused, and awkward over it. It's not just me...the in laws are very WTF and awkward about this whole thing..
I'm sorry peach, I was joking with my last comment.
I did misread the gift exchange situation - I was reading too fast and must have skipped a line or something, I thought you were going to be at MIL/FIL's when they exchanged gifts. And I assumed you were giving her child a present.
You don't have to defend your decision to me. You asked. I gave my answer. But you do what works for you.
Dairy, that is exactly it. "here is a random, generic gift for you." given at a time when no other gifts are exchanged. I don;t want to single her out and make her feel weird...or obligated to go get us a gift.
But I feel mean if I don't do something to acknowledge she is here at the holidays....ack. What to do,...its just so awkward...my poor MIL is beside herself with the awkwardness of it all.
In summary: Team WOP! Wawa: I don't think peach is side eyeing the situation or refusing to give a gift on some moral ground. More like she's telling us this story for reference so we have background info to form an opinion.
If she'd had said, "BILs ex is coming for Christmas. They're f*ck buddies and have a kid together. She's nice enough but we won't be seeing them for more than dinner, do I get a gift?" Would that change your answer. I think most of us would say, "Enjoy dinner and call it a day."
LOL, yeah. I wouldn't advise buying a gift in that case. I just misread and with the info about gifts at the IL's house I though that peach was going to be present for that exchange. With just dinner my answer changes.
My brother is the one who usually creates drama. I have no plans to bring a gift in case whoever he is seeing happens to show up at Christmas; not my problem.
LOL. I have an uncle just like this. It's so bad my sister has starting naming them all "Lisa." LOL.
Dating the skank of the week is not of my concern.
My brother was like this, but he's had the same aweseom girlfriend for over a year now...so it's really tamed down the immediate family togetherness.
My MIL has this rule that you have to be engaged before you get in the name draw. Hs brother had such a string of gfs that whoever was around at Thanksgiving when they drew, might not make it until Christmas. She still bought some small presents so no one was left out. At first I was like WTF really? But now I kind of agree with her.
Your summary is correct. I am just overly wordy I guess.
And I just called DH and told him to stop at Lush and get one of their generic pre-wrapped gift packs of bath stuff for her. I think we will leave it in the car and I will only grab it if it seems like the right moment....
Dairy, that is exactly it. "here is a random, generic gift for you." given at a time when no other gifts are exchanged. I don;t want to single her out and make her feel weird...or obligated to go get us a gift.
But I feel mean if I don't do something to acknowledge she is here at the holidays....ack. What to do,...its just so awkward...my poor MIL is beside herself with the awkwardness of it all.
Just show up, be kind and chat with her. That's probably acknowledgement enough. Or if she's here awhile and you have time, invite out for errands with you, a coffee, pedis, a movie, whatever you want to do.
In light of the information that has been gathered since my original response I would like to change my answer to "No" since no one else is doing a gift exchange. She isn't special and doesn't need her own gift moment when no one else is having one.