I need parenting help

[ijack]

My 4yo is SOOOOO sassy. Everything that comes out of her mouth is just bitchy sounding. She back talks constantly and argues about everything. I'm at the end of my rope and I don't really know what to do about it. I've tried TOs, but it doesn't really help. My dad thinks I should wash her mouth out with soap (I think he was kidding, but I'm not sure).
Any ideas?

[tardyfortheparty]

DS is 3 and we have had luck taking away things (toys, the music he listens to during rest time, etc) & privileges as a consequence.

[bunch]

Oh no! My goddaughter is like this. She even puts her hands on her hips and bobs her head back and forth when she talks back. I'm getting twitchy even thinking about. I have no advice. She got kicked out of k :0

[ijack]

tardyfortheparty - how did you implement it? Did you say "if you do x then you'll get y taken away?" or "now that you've done x you don't get y?" was it a hard and fast rule?
bncha - luckily she only does it to me, H and the nanny so she won't get out of school. but she's risking a beat down pretty soon.

[housegeek]

Mines sassy too. Im hoping it's just the age. I have noticed she's less sas if she gets loads of exercise. I have even tried soap ( I know, whatever), i was threatening her with it, and she goes, " can i just have the soap already" so i was like, shit. Fine, so i gave it to her, she put it in her mouth, looked at me and said, " yum". So that clearly didn't work either. I've also really been working on one on one time and explaining the importance of listening and not talking back, as well as reasons behind whatever I had said that she usually sasses, and that has seemed to help too.
Ive tried taking away toys, but she has so many that it's really out of site, out of mind, and her and her sister share everything so it's not really fair to the behaiving daughter.

[mrsGreeko]

I told my kids they needed to adjust their attitude and try again and I wouldn't respond if they were whiny or had an attitude. It seems to have worked pretty well. I don't speak whine, nor do I speak attitude.

[ijack]

May 29, 2012 13:06:01 GMT -5 housegeek said:

Mines sassy too. Im hoping it's just the age. I have noticed she's less sas if she gets loads of exercise. I have even tried soap ( I know, whatever), i was threatening her with it, and she goes, " can i just have the soap already" so i was like, shit. Fine, so i gave it to her, she put it in her mouth, looked at me and said, " yum". So that clearly didn't work either. I've also really been working on one on one time and explaining the importance of listening and not talking back, as well as reasons behind whatever I had said that she usually sasses, and that has seemed to help too.
Ive tried taking away toys, but she has so many that it's really out of site, out of mind, and her and her sister share everything so it's not really fair to the behaiving daughter.

Yeah, I think Emma would react similarly. I'm not sure what I can take away that would really make an impact. I'm kind of glad to know I'm not the only one who deals with it

[ijack]

May 29, 2012 13:09:01 GMT -5 mrsGreeko said:

I told my kids they needed to adjust their attitude and try again and I wouldn't respond if they were whiny or had an attitude. It seems to have worked pretty well. I don't speak whine, nor do I speak attitude.

This works for whining, but it hasn't for the attitude.

[housegeek]

Well I'm here to commiserate my mom said I was pretty bad with back-talking, maybe it's just karma hah.

[mswax]

I have told DS1 that I do not like him talking like that, and if he continues, he will get a time out. I've followed through on it on a few occasions, but usually the threat of a time out is enough to stop the behavior.

[pierogigirl]

We give two warnings, telling him what will happen (no tv, take away a toy, no story at nap, etc.) then we follow through if he doesn't stop. We also talk about expectations (before going in a store we remind him not to run and to stay next to mommy and daddy). When he's doing a good job listening, or playing with the baby we give specific praise - "I like how you were gentle playing with the baby's toes" or "You stayed right next to mommy in the store."

He's not perfect, but hopefully, with practice, he'll be less sassy/defiant.

[tardyfortheparty]

May 29, 2012 12:57:14 GMT -5 ijack said:

tardyfortheparty - how did you implement it? Did you say "if you do x then you'll get y taken away?" or "now that you've done x you don't get y?" was it a hard and fast rule?
bncha - luckily she only does it to me, H and the nanny so she won't get out of school. but she's risking a beat down pretty soon.

Timeouts weren't working so we needed anither strategy. We start with giving a warning..."If you yell at Mommy again, you will lose your crayons." DS likes to test limits so follow through is key for us. We take away the crayons or whatever & then if behavior is good for the rest of the day, he can earn back what he has lost. We check in frequently &talk about why he lost what he did & how he can earn it back. This has been more effective than timeouts for us.

[GailGoldie]

My boys know that i don't respond to them when they talk sassy, whiney, etc. I ignore that kind of behavior if I think they aer doing it for attention (which she likely is)... if they are doing it b/c they are tired, etc - then I remind them how they need to talk if they want me to listen - and they change their tune.

NEVER ever give in to a child acting that way - or you just get more of it.

[Deleted]

We talk about tone of voice and how he has to ask in a "nice" or "proper" tone of voice. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

He's super contrary right now and will be a punk just to be a punk. You're not alone.

[schrodinger]

May 29, 2012 14:31:52 GMT -5 tardyfortheparty said:

Timeouts weren't working so we needed anither strategy. We start with giving a warning..."If you yell at Mommy again, you will lose your crayons." DS likes to test limits so follow through is key for us. We take away the crayons or whatever & then if behavior is good for the rest of the day, he can earn back what he has lost. We check in frequently &talk about why he lost what he did & how he can earn it back. This has been more effective than timeouts for us.

This is our strategy. Give a warning then escalate to punishment if the behavior hasn't stopped.

Each of my SD's responds very differently to punishments though. SD1 is very clingy, so for her, we would send her to her room and make her close the door. SD2 is very food-motivated, so we would take away Treat Friday (we do once a week treats instead of desserts) as her punishment. I think that figuring out which punishments were the most motivating was as important as being consistent.

[blue1980]

We are having this issue with our 3 year old right now. We have been doing time outs and taking away toys, but usually these punishments result in total melt downs which are almost worse than the back talking. It is so frustrating!

[rootbeerfloat]

We take away TV (most effective) or toys.

[beaver12]

What does she watch on TV? DD is almost 3 and only has a few shows I let her watch on occasion. One time I put on a show we hadn't seen before called Word Girl. I was appalled at the attitude the characters in the show had and promptly turned it off. This is a PBS show for young kids. I also remember my nieces becoming more bratty when they started watching more TV. I'd take a look at what she's viewing and make sure it's in line with the behavior you expect. She might be immitating what she sees. Just a thought. I'm not looking forward to that stage with DD.

[ijack]

most of it is pretty tame - babar and doc mcstuffins (both of which I think are super sweet), but I'll start paying more attention.
I'm thinking about doing a jar filled with balls or something and each time she's rude she gets one taken away. If at the end of the day she has any left she gets something - maybe to watch a show or a candy treat. Does that sound reasonable? I was thinking about starting with 5 chances.

[beaver12]

I think that's a great idea and might steal it. I've been struggling with DD being violent with DS lately.

[GailGoldie]

May 29, 2012 16:44:03 GMT -5 ijack said:

most of it is pretty tame - babar and doc mcstuffins (both of which I think are super sweet), but I'll start paying more attention.
I'm thinking about doing a jar filled with balls or something and each time she's rude she gets one taken away. If at the end of the day she has any left she gets something - maybe to watch a show or a candy treat. Does that sound reasonable? I was thinking about starting with 5 chances.

If it works it works but I'm not a fan of a reward if she is still not being good but has one left.

I prefer to have my kids earn by being good only. Lots if praise when doing good. When we were having issues with him at bedtime we made a sticker chart. he gets a sticker on a chart when he is good through bed time. When he gets to 10 on the chart he gets to pick out a treat at the target dollar spot.

That way we r really focusing on the positives which almost always is best for everyone.

[ijack]

I understand that, but it doesn't seem as easy when it's something like attitude. So do I reward her for every time that she doesn't use a rude voice? Because that does happen obviously, but I need it to happen more often. And if I'm going to reward it has to be consistent so I couldn't just decide when I thought she was being worthy of "no attitude or rudeness." I get the point (and it's usually what we do), but it seems hard with this issue.

[GailGoldie]

Another idea I used in my K class that could be done at home:

Have a stoplight with her name on it with a magnet or something. Every day start at green. If she does xyz then her name gets moved to yellow. Then to red if bad again.

At the end of the day if her name is on green she gets 2 stickers on a chart. If on yellow just one... Red is none.

Once she has 10 stickers on the chart she gets whatever reward. This is a great motivator for kids that age and also teaches graphing

[cjeanette]

If E gets too sassy I will pick her up and carry her to her room and shut the door. No negative attention. She usually comes out after a minute and aplogizes.

[brit1017]

I think it's the age- DS is 4 and super sassy lately. I tell him he is not allowed to talk back (or talk to me like that), and tell him he can go to his room until he is ready to behave. He normally stomps his way up there, chills out for a few minutes, then comes back down. I ask him to apologize for speaking to me like that, which he does (sometimes tearily).

[rex]

I don't have kids yet (ttc) but I do work with kids who are 3,4 & 5. They can definitely be sassy.

You definitely want to focus on positive behavior that you want to increase. I reward the kids for using "big kid" (or some other term) words and praise any time they ask nicely. If she likes stickers or something small and easy you could use physical rewards as well (the balls in a jar could also work, but maybe add them for good words, then also take out for bad?)

Also, do not give attention to attitude or sassy talk. Completely ignore or say something like "I can't understand you when you talk like that. Can you use a big girl voice?"

I hope it gets better soon

[livinitup]

We have a 4 yo and had to go all out against "spoiled behavior". Just the regular TO consequence stuff but it REALLY helped when we saw it as a 'specific behavior' to correct.

Really effective.

[thegooser]

I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to say that I remember you describing your daughter's behavior on numerous occasions because she sounds just like I did as a kid. I definitely still have an attitude sometimes, but overall I'm a pleasant, cooperative member of society. And what makes me sassy also makes me ballsy enough to take risks and be successful as an adult. So, hang in there! These traits are annoying but they can help her out later!

[ijack]

May 30, 2012 20:01:08 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to say that I remember you describing your daughter's behavior on numerous occasions because she sounds just like I did as a kid. I definitely still have an attitude sometimes, but overall I'm a pleasant, cooperative member of society. And what makes me sassy also makes me ballsy enough to take risks and be successful as an adult. So, hang in there! These traits are annoying but they can help her out later!

Thanks I was the same way, I just really don't want to have *that* kid and worry I'm not doing enough.
I appreciate everyone's advice - we've had a good 36 hours.

[barefootcontessa]

I am trying hard to steer away from punishment/rewards in my parenting because my goal is for my children to be self-controlled. I agree with Goldie and ignoring the behavior. If they say something disrespectful I might say, "that is not a friendly way to talk" and then ignore. If they continue, I might say something like "can you think of a friendly way to ask that or explain how you are feeling." I try really hard not to REact, because that only encourages the behavior.

Also, one thing I have learned is that kids often act this way because they want control. So what we try to do is give them control in another venue. So let them chose what activity to play or whatever else they come up with. I have notices a correlation between this kind of quality, kid-driven time and less acting out. GL!