jeeker, were you the poster whose was taking turned with her H sleeping in the house? If so, then it doesn't sound like it will blind side him. I agree with therapy. Either it is an issue within yourself or an issue between the two of you and therapy will help either of those.
We spent two nights apart last month but have been staying together since. I just called our minister and am waiting for a call back from his secretary to see if he can see me early next week.
By the time my ex husband and I did a "trial separation" we were both already checked out and the separation was just something we were doing to go through the motions of trying to save the marriage. He immediately got involved with another woman (now his wife) and I never made any move to work on things. I am sorry that is probably not what you want to hear. FWIW you seem to be more invested then I was.
Post by Captain Serious on Jan 9, 2013 12:57:03 GMT -5
I agree with everything Cleo has said here. In the 9 years I've been married, we had one period of about a year that was really bad, during which divorce was mentioned. It was, however in the first 2 years of marriage, and I wouldn't let us give up just because it wasn't all roses.
After we fought our way back from that place, mostly by always being completely open with our feelings *when they happened (and not holding on to them and letting them build into resentments)*, we've had a mostly peaceful and pleasant marriage since. As we went through the adoption process (twice) and added our children, though, there have definately been times when I didn't feel "in love" with my husband. Still, I know I love him deeply, he is my more-than-equal partner in everything, and there's not a single person in the world I could imagine wanting to live this life with other than him.
Sometimes, I think that's the glue that binds all successful, long-term marriages throughout the ages. The simple knowledge that even though right now isn't the best of times, this person by your side is a great partner, choses to be with you and help carry your burden, and is your best friend. That's enough to get you through to the other side, when you remember all the reasons why you not only love him, but are/were in love with him.
One of the best things I've ever heard (from my favorite priest) is that love is not an emotion, it's both a choice and an action. Love is a verb, and it's a verb of service. If you choose to love someone, you choose to do things for them, to be there for them, to support them, to stand by them.... When things get tough, you have to remember that you choose to love them, and in doing so, the emotion that we refer to as "love" or "being in love" can return.
In my case, my H was not trustworthy. I separated from him because I couldn't take it any more. After we separated, it became really clear to me that I was done dealing with it, and didn't believe/know when it would ever change. So the separation was great in that it was a baby step, but one that helped me see the light and move forward.
Captain Serious speaks wisely. Definitely with my current marriage I would do whatever it took to make things work, because the fundamentals are solid (trust, respect, friendship, common interests). If you have those fundamentals, I think it's always worth trying to work it out, because they are hard to find.
Based on my experience with other couples, if one person thinks the marriage is great, the seperation creates a problem on their end. It's been 50/50 on those marriages working in the end.
If both know there are problems and need space it can really help.
So I'd tell your husband that you're going to counselling for you right now, but you will probably want to also do couples counselling in the future. Just so he's prepared and starts thinking about how YOU being unhappy does in fact affect him and the marriage. It sounds obvious but I"ve been surprised by how many people have been caught off guard by that.
None of the seperations worked without counselling.
I suggested a year-long trial separation with my ex-dh, and he refused. He said why even bother doing that--it would be better just to divorce. Which we did.
In hindsight, I'm glad we decided to do that. The only reason why I had suggested the separation was to be a "good sport", but I had been dreadfully unhappy with our marriage for years, and it really was time to end it.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny