@ what if...

[sarack]

say you want babies.. and you and your h try. then you find out that he can't have babies.. but both of you agree that having children is one of the most important things to you ever.

would you get a divorce?

do you think your h would want you to have babies so he'll recommend divorce?

what if you don't want to adopt?

just wondering.

[madDawg228]

I would ask him if he would be okay using a sperm donor from a sperm bank. If he really wants children, but doesn't want to adopt, I would assume this is an option. I don't think being infertile is a reason to divorce.

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 11:22:28 GMT -5 madDawg228 said:

I would ask him if he would be okay using a sperm donor from a sperm bank. If he really wants children, but doesn't want to adopt, I would assume this is an option. I don't think being infertile is a reason to divorce.

and what if his response is "i don't want some other man's sperm in you..?"

[madDawg228]

May 30, 2012 11:29:46 GMT -5 sarack said:

May 30, 2012 11:22:28 GMT -5 madDawg228 said:

I would ask him if he would be okay using a sperm donor from a sperm bank. If he really wants children, but doesn't want to adopt, I would assume this is an option. I don't think being infertile is a reason to divorce.

and what if his response is "i don't want some other man's sperm in you..?"

This is tough since I don't have baby fever, but I think I would stay in the marriage and remain childless. It would probably be different if he was able to reproduce and just didn't want to if I really did. But infertility isn't a reason to divorce imo.

[Deleted]

Just curious, if children are that important why wouldn't someone want to adopt?

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 11:39:16 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

Just curious, if children are that important why wouldn't someone want to adopt?

because for some people, they're not sure it would feel the same. in this case.. this person might feel like they are in adequate and would never feel the same if they found out they couldn't have children of their own.

if this were me, i'd want to try a sperm bank first, because selfishly, i'd like to be pregnant, but then the child would biologically only be related to me and this might be a problem for the other person?

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 11:55:49 GMT -5 sarack said:

May 30, 2012 11:39:16 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

Just curious, if children are that important why wouldn't someone want to adopt?

because for some people, they're not sure it would feel the same. in this case.. this person might feel like they are in adequate and would never feel the same if they found out they couldn't have children of their own.

if this were me, i'd want to try a sperm bank first, because selfishly, i'd like to be pregnant, but then the child would biologically only be related to me and this might be a problem for the other person?

This is surprising and sad. Would the same feelings of inadequecies be there if it were a heart defect?

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 11:58:20 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

May 30, 2012 11:55:49 GMT -5 sarack said:

because for some people, they're not sure it would feel the same. in this case.. this person might feel like they are in adequate and would never feel the same if they found out they couldn't have children of their own.

if this were me, i'd want to try a sperm bank first, because selfishly, i'd like to be pregnant, but then the child would biologically only be related to me and this might be a problem for the other person?

i'm confused, one of the people in the marriage had a heart defect? or if the child had one? i'm confused. i don't think people choose to feel this way, they just do. and who knows. i'd be willing to adopt, and i think h would too, but i think it would make both of us sad if we couldn't have our own.

This is surprising and sad. Would the same feelings of inadequecies be there if it were a heart defect?

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 12:08:18 GMT -5 sarack said:

May 30, 2012 11:58:20 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

i'm confused, one of the people in the marriage had a heart defect? or if the child had one? i'm confused. i don't think people choose to feel this way, they just do. and who knows. i'd be willing to adopt, and i think h would too, but i think it would make both of us sad if we couldn't have our own.

This is surprising and sad. Would the same feelings of inadequecies be there if it were a heart defect?

I was just thinking it's sad that someone would equate being infertile to being inadequate. Like if one of the people who were wanting a kid, also had a heart defect (not the reason for infertility), would that also make them feel inadequate?

If you were wanting a kid that bad it's not like you chose to be infertile. It's the luck of the draw and it makes me sad that someone could feel inadequate for something that they can't help.

[sarack]

also, for us, we've just begun.. so i'm not realy dying at this point.. but h and i have the convo and it kinda breaks my heart.

today i feel like if we found out he couldn't have kids, we'd start to plan some fun trips around the world.

[Deleted]

I'm useless with this topic because I would be perfectly content never having kids. H is the one that wants them, but we have discussed it and if something is "wrong" with one of us, then so be it. We'll go the donor route, go the adoption route, etc. We married EACH OTHER for EACH OTHER, not for what our kids will/may be.

I know that it can be seriously traumatic to go through all of that stress, but that's when a couple needs to get into therapy to work stuff out and stay on the same page to support each other. Bumps in the road are always going to happen.. some are MUCH bigger than others, and a couple can't be afraid to say, "hey.. We may need some help to get through this".

I kinda feel like if a couple gets divorced over this issue it's because
1. This isn't the ONLY issue, it's just the tipping point. THe couple was going down hill before this point.
2. They aren't getting help through this hard time and are forgetting what they have TOGETHER because of the overwhelming burden of knowing what they can't have.
3. They got married solely because someone's clock was ticking and now that information is saying that the clock will continue to tick, they realize they jumped into a marriage just for that reason, not for anything more (unfortunately I know a couple couples in this situation... idk how they are going to last with that as the only backbone to their marriage).

idk.. maybe I'm young and naive.

[amandasw]

I completely agree with firsttimer - I can't imagine getting a divorce over something like this. I feel like this falls under "in sickness and in health", it's just another struggle you go through together. We aren't anywhere near the point of having kids, but the topic comes up now and then. Ironically, it kind of hurts my feelings that H wouldn't care whether we adopt or get pg. I don't know why, but it falls under that weird mysterious 'I'm a woman and should have kids' feeling. Right now I have no interest in adopting, but if we couldn't had kids, I would choose that route over IVF (I would do less invasive, basic things of course, but not something that drastic - the scientist in me has to believe nature is saying 'no' for a reason).

[georgeharrison]

looks like there's been quite a bit of discussion on this already, but I'm late in the game.

James and I discussed infertility before we got married. We did decide that we would adopt if we were unable to have children. Secondary infertility throws a wrench in things and now we are much more reluctant to go the adoption route, but if we were completely barren, we would have gone with adoption for sure.

[amandasw]

babya - why don't you think you'd adopt now? I think I would be more interested in adopting after I already had kids actually, not sure why. I know some people who adopted after all their kids had grown up!

[sarack]

well he and i discussed it before.. i knew how he felt about it. one of the big reasons we did get married is because we share the same life goals. the biggest one being parents. we know that we would both be great parents and that definitely helped. obviously we all look at things differently. h always told me that if for some reason he wasn't able to give me babies, he'd divorce me so he isn't taking away something that he knows i really want. i think he'd be ok without children, so i'm nto sure i'd divorce him if i wasn't able.. but i'd let him make that call. today i think that if we found out we couldn't have babies and it was infertility on his part, i'd stay with him. we'd adjust our life plans and move on.. i'm not sure it'd be that way for him. i think he'd feel useless and it would break his heart.

[amandasw]

May 30, 2012 13:14:06 GMT -5 sarack said:

well he and i discussed it before.. i knew how he felt about it. one of the big reasons we did get married is because we share the same life goals. the biggest one being parents. we know that we would both be great parents and that definitely helped. obviously we all look at things differently. h always told me that if for some reason he wasn't able to give me babies, he'd divorce me so he isn't taking away something that he knows i really want. i think he'd be ok without children, so i'm nto sure i'd divorce him if i wasn't able.. but i'd let him make that call. today i think that if we found out we couldn't have babies and it was infertility on his part, i'd stay with him. we'd adjust our life plans and move on.. i'm not sure it'd be that way for him. i think he'd feel useless and it would break his heart.

I can't think of a good way to say this, but that sounds kind of crazy that he would leave you because he couldn't give you kids. What if it isn't clear whose 'fault' it is? Not to mention, plenty of people get pg in spite of test results by accident. And all that aside, isn't he your best friend? I wouldn't be able to say "thanks for the good years, I'm going to find another sperm donor because you failed." It would break my heart even more to lose H.

[georgeharrison]

May 30, 2012 13:04:23 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

babya - why don't you think you'd adopt now? I think I would be more interested in adopting after I already had kids actually, not sure why. I know some people who adopted after all their kids had grown up!

Honestly, now that I have a bio child, I am not sure that I could love a non-bio child the same way. I am not willing to risk it.

My husband was adopted by his step-dad and then him and his mom had two kids together. James always felt like an outsider even though he was a half-sibling. He never felt like his "dad" treated him the same way as his bio-kids. So, James wouldn't do it for sure.

[picksthemusic]

Okay, so are we talking about said H being sterile? Like NO sperm whatsoever? If that's the case, and you still want kids, you need to discuss other options for having kids first (like are you willing to go through treatments/donor sperm, or are you willing to adopt?) before you jump right to divorce, especially if he's wanting kids just as much as you are.

It's not all that "all or nothing" - there should always be a little bit of wiggle room, especially when it comes to true fertility issues, because it's not like the H chose to be infertile, KWIM?

[Deleted]

ftl - I actually liked your post and agreed with a lot of it except your very last sentence. I just wanted to point out to you that there is no need or reason that you need to try and throw out a dislcaimer like that to a smart opinion. Don't discount yourself!

would you get a divorce? No, but then having children is not one of our end goals. I spent most of my life thinking I didn't WANT children because I was afraid to pass on so many of my health weaknesses. Then, combining the love of my life with just the joy and love and I felt toward my nephew when he was born, and maybe a little ticking clock, I do want one now. H was always in "it might be nice" camp but not firm and I think he tneds to think there's all the time in the world...even though I'm 32. But if it's not possible for us, then...there's more money and we'll be able to travel more, remodel the house, be more mobile, etc.

do you think your h would want you to have babies so he'll recommend divorce? No

what if you don't want to adopt? Do you mean, one of you would want/recommend divorce because you don't want to adopt? That answer is no. And we don't want children badly enough that I want to adopt. I think adoption is excellent for many people, but (flame all you want), I just have too many personal negative associations with it to likely have that be an option for me at this point.

[picksthemusic]

May 30, 2012 12:09:09 GMT -5 @sfgal530 said:

would you get a divorce?

No. I love my DH way too much to consider divorcing him over something like this if it were to happen. You're supposed to be a team and do the good times / bad times thing, so I'd stick it out the same way I'd stick it out if I were to find out DH had some sort of debilitating medical condition. I'm in it for the long haul.

do you think your h would want you to have babies so he'll recommend divorce?

Nope, DH and I talked about this before hand. Since infertility doesn't have to equal not having a family, there are ways you can get around this if what you really want is the joy / experience of raising another human being and helping them grow to be a good person. If you care a lot about passing along your genetic material - then it seems to me like you're really kind of missing the point in having a family, but whatever. Thankfully DH does not get hung up on his genes (though he has incredible ones so I want to be able to have his kids!).

what if you don't want to adopt?

That's your own choice, obviously, but I would ask you why you don't want to adopt. I distinctly remember dating someone (very casually) before I met DH who told me he would never adopt because "he could never love the child like it was his own." I thought that was an incredibly stupid thing to say. I think once you get married, you fully understand your ability to love someone to which you have no biological relation - there is no real incentive for you to love your DH, but you do. I think the same holds true with adopted children. The idea that you would love a child more because it is biologically part of you seems ridiculous to me. A child is a child and they all need love and guidance, and if you adopt a child you'll love it as much, if not more than, your spouse. Look at how quickly one is able to love their pet, and their pet is not nearly as important/interesting as a child. As human beings we have the capacity to love individuals if we choose to, and the biggest mental hurdle to adoption (IMO) is just realizing that your preconceived notions about how you might not love the kid enough or that you would be bothered that it isn't your biological child are probably not right.

DH and I have talked at great length about how we'd like to have a blended family (i.e. biological and adopted children) and how we will be perfectly fine if we cannot have biological children and need to adopt. Personally, I'd like to do something to help kids who don't have a good home find one and to help them grow up in a more stable environment.

Also, I agree with ALL of this. And as an adopted child, I can tell you that the love is no different - I'm a member of my family, regardless if I have the same DNA or not.

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 14:04:33 GMT -5 @legalbritt said:

I'd find a guy in a bar who looked strikingly like DH and seduce him...purely for his healthy sperm. When I got knocked up I'd chalk it up to a miracle! Lol.

Actually, we did have this conversation and DH was like "well if we can't have kids I don't want to go through all that IVF stuff so I guess we'd just be a childless couple." I was like...hold the phone! If we can't have kids the traditional way, you better believe I expect us both to get fertility treatment and consider adoption before giving up.

That's a lot to give up. I want a little person with my DNA out there. I don't know if I'd definitely get a divorce but if DH was unwilling to try other avenues I would consider it.

this is how we both feel. before we got married we definitely discussed the chance of not being able to have children and he decided what he'd want to do. i don't think we'd give up that easy.. but honestly, everyone is different. and if we decided that getting a divorce was best for us, then that's what it'd be. like i said, i think if we found out today, i THINK i'd be happy to just be a childless couple. but, h doesn't feel that way, as far as i know. id idnt' ask him today. but it is def something we think about.

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 13:47:56 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

Yeah, I think that's crazy.

I would never divorce him and he would never divorce me if one of us was infertile. I think that is mean and crazy. I wouldn't leave him if he became paralyzed or blind or had cancer either. Although, if he gets lung cancer b/c he keeps smoking when I am always telling him to stop, I would be really pissed, but I still wouldn't leave him.

it might be crazy, for you. but some people do this. especially if you talked about it before. since i'm not in the situation, i'm not sure how i'd feel. but h seems to strongly feel like he might not have the desire to try any other avenue if he isn't able to produce children on his own. and he tells me he wouldn't want to prevent me from doing it.

that said, i had neighbors when i was growing up who couldn't have babies. doctors deemed them both healthy and fine.. some how their chemistry wasn't working. they divorced because it was important to both of them. they had a great relationship but knew having children was important to both of them. they got divorced, remained friends, both got remarried and pregnant immediately.

for me, i can't imagine my life without children. i also can't imagine it without h.. so it's a huge toss up.

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 13:21:26 GMT -5 @amandasw said:

May 30, 2012 13:14:06 GMT -5 sarack said:

well he and i discussed it before.. i knew how he felt about it. one of the big reasons we did get married is because we share the same life goals. the biggest one being parents. we know that we would both be great parents and that definitely helped. obviously we all look at things differently. h always told me that if for some reason he wasn't able to give me babies, he'd divorce me so he isn't taking away something that he knows i really want. i think he'd be ok without children, so i'm nto sure i'd divorce him if i wasn't able.. but i'd let him make that call. today i think that if we found out we couldn't have babies and it was infertility on his part, i'd stay with him. we'd adjust our life plans and move on.. i'm not sure it'd be that way for him. i think he'd feel useless and it would break his heart.

I can't think of a good way to say this, but that sounds kind of crazy that he would leave you because he couldn't give you kids. What if it isn't clear whose 'fault' it is? Not to mention, plenty of people get pg in spite of test results by accident. And all that aside, isn't he your best friend? I wouldn't be able to say "thanks for the good years, I'm going to find another sperm donor because you failed." It would break my heart even more to lose H.

we'd have to trust the science of the tests. usually if you don't get pregnant, you have fertility testing and they tell you if there is infertility issues on one side or both.. or none. we'd def get tested before we quit trying.

i love that everyone has an opinion on this.

[MrsH2010]

I don't believe this is an issue I would have with DH. I have always talked about adoption with DH so I know he's not totally opposed to it. I would rather use a sperm donor first if DH was okay with that, it's not something we really talked about but I really want kids and I know he does too.

Honestly I think this is an issue that is important to talk about before marriage so that your not stuck in that place. I would never divorce my husband because he couldn't have kids. Now if he couldn't have kids and he wouldn't even consider any other options that is something that I could see possibly leading to divorce. But like FTL said I think that stems from other problems in the relationship such as communication and finding even ground. It would really depend and it's hard for me to say without being in the situation.

[tacocat]

We found out I couldn't have kids after we we married and there is no way B would leave me for it. I wouldn't have married him if he would.

This topic is close to my heart so I feel like I could say a lot more but probably shouldn't...

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 14:19:38 GMT -5 sarack said:

May 30, 2012 13:47:56 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

Yeah, I think that's crazy.

that said, i had neighbors when i was growing up who couldn't have babies. doctors deemed them both healthy and fine.. some how their chemistry wasn't working. they divorced because it was important to both of them. they had a great relationship but knew having children was important to both of them. they got divorced, remained friends, both got remarried and pregnant immediately.

for me, I can't imagine my life without children. I also can't imagine it without h.. so it's a huge toss up.

That makes me super sad I hope they are happy but.. Why did they get married in the first place then? How can you give up the love of your life for a "maybe" with someone else?
I don't bank on what I COULD or MIGHT have in the future.. I bank on what I have NOW and work towards/hope for great things in the future.
Idk.. I have no procreative drive, I suppose.

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 14:40:42 GMT -5 MrsH2010 said:

Honestly I think this is an issue that is important to talk about before marriage so that your not stuck in that place. I would never divorce my husband because he couldn't have kids. Now if he couldn't have kids and he wouldn't even consider any other options that is something that I could see possibly leading to divorce. But like FTL said I think that stems from other problems in the relationship such as communication and finding even ground. It would really depend and it's hard for me to say without being in the situation.

Agreed with the bolded part. This, finances, etc.. All huge things to discuss before marriage...
I don't understand how these big issues don't get brought up before marriage anyway. :/ It's so important to be on the same page. I know that H and I are exactly in the same place: No kids in the immediate future. If we can't have kids, we'll try the messy stuff until we're just too tired, then comes adoption or no kids (depends on how strong our drive is at that point.. as of right now we love people just two people since we barely get time together as is lol.. )

Another conversation H and I had before marriage:
Say you're pregnant and the baby is able to sustain life on it's own is something were to happen.. If it came down to being in the hospital and your H has to choose between YOU and BABY, which should he choose?

Tough conversation to have, but I think it's also an important one to be on the same page (especially if you are in a state where you're unable to help make the decision) since it's dealing with life/death.

[amandasw]

May 30, 2012 14:54:55 GMT -5 @firsttimersluck said:

May 30, 2012 14:19:38 GMT -5 sarack said:

May 30, 2012 13:47:56 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

Yeah, I think that's crazy.

that said, i had neighbors when i was growing up who couldn't have babies. doctors deemed them both healthy and fine.. some how their chemistry wasn't working. they divorced because it was important to both of them. they had a great relationship but knew having children was important to both of them. they got divorced, remained friends, both got remarried and pregnant immediately.

for me, I can't imagine my life without children. I also can't imagine it without h.. so it's a huge toss up.

That makes me super sad I hope they are happy but.. Why did they get married in the first place then? How can you give up the love of your life for a "maybe" with someone else?
I don't bank on what I COULD or MIGHT have in the future.. I bank on what I have NOW and work towards/hope for great things in the future.
Idk.. I have no procreative drive, I suppose.

ditto. I completely don't understand this mentality and I want to have kids someday. I also don't really 'believe' in divorce (neither does H) so there are pretty limited circumstances where I would consider it anyway.

[sarack]

we def talked about this before marriage and divorce is what h said. he always says he knows how much i wanted babies. he never wanted get married until he met me. he said he thought he'd have kids but probably never be married. crazy. but this is how some people work. i'm not sure i would have necessarily got married when i did if i didn't plan on having kids some day. we were fine in our relationship before. there really wasn't a rush, besides the fact that we wanted babies sooner rather than later and i don't want to have kids without being married. obv it was time for our relationship to go to the next step, we'd been together for 10years at that point.. but we were still young.

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 14:45:41 GMT -5 tacocat said:

We found out I couldn't have kids after we we married and there is no way B would leave me for it. I wouldn't have married him if he would.

This topic is close to my heart so I feel like I could say a lot more but probably shouldn't...

this makes me sad. i'm so sorry heimeken. each of us have our own opinions, and you can totally voice yours. i'm sorry that this is reality for you two. hugs!