An update of sorts.

[eav2c]

**i don't know what is going on with all the funny characters but it's now made this whole post cryptic. Shit.**

This is likely going to be long, apologies. I just need to vent and just talk. Maybe someone has experience or maybe someones parents have experience?



First things first, I called Caroline AKA Gold Digger. I just had to ask her why she is living with him. I was much nicer and calmer than I expected to be. I dont know, Im so drained I dont even feel like going into details but I dont have any compassion for her and its obvious shes taking advantage of him. I spoke to neighbors (my dad lives in an apartment) who all feel she is an abuser and is abusing his medications. Im glad my senses werent off on this but also sad too. Oh, and the neighbor told me she has a GUY at my dads apartment right now.



This is not an easy situation. I did not realize how complicated it is. He had no plan for when he got older. Saved no money. He doesnt have a penny to his name from what I am told. He wont sign over to me (or anyone) rights. Therefore I would have to hire a lawyer and then pay to have him evaluated and then go to court. All of which, we cannot afford right now. I mean, we REALLY cant afford it. On top of the medical bills that we are trying to pay, we close on our house next month. I dont know if this makes me selfish, but, I dont know that we can give up on this house to hire a lawyer. Wed have to pay $5k to just get out of that so, it seems counterproductive. I dont know. Then the thing is, if he has dementia or Alzheimers as we might suspect, we might not be able to legally transfer him across state lines. There are just so many legal barriers that one would not imagine. I cant believe how difficult of a process this is proving to be and how much is REQUIRED. So basically, taking over his estate, or managing anything right now, isnt going to happen without costing my husband and I a great deal of $$.



I contacted a caseworker at A Place for Mom and she is making me appointments to view Assisted Living communities. However, the paperwork and things that are required I honestly dont know how we will be able to complete it all. My dad has never been an organized person and trying to find some of the things that are required is really not going to be easy. The caseworker told me that she really thinks this isnt going to be easy because my dad is not being compliant enough to just hand over every thing I need to get this done. With that said, I dont know how we will be able to afford it. It costs anywhere from $2,500-$3,000+ A MONTH. Veterans Benefits can pay for some of it (up to $1,750) and he gets SS and Pensions but it takes 3-6 months to get approved with the VA (IMHO, we cant sit around and wait that long and he needs to be somewhere soon). So, more or less, we have to front the money and WHEN/IF he gets approved they will hopefully reimburse us. I mean, there is just no way we can do this and as far as I know he has nowhere near the income to pay for it. I am actually really angry right now with all of this. Why didnt he prepare for this? Why didnt he give a shit? Im so stuck right now and I dont feel like, at 25 years old, Im properly equipped to handle this.



I mean what do I do? Im stuck. I really feel stuck. Our only option is to move him in with us. I guess Im a selfish fuck but I just dont see this as a really viable option. Plus, he cannot walk stairs, so not sure how that would work.



As for an update on my dad, he seems okay. Apparently he has pneumonia too because the Gold Digger turned off the heat in his apartment all together and opens the back door so her dog can come and go as it pleases (my dad is in Pennsylvania so it is COLD there right now). He cant really walk but they want him in therapy to work on that but he says he is going to refuse. I asked him why he would refuse and would he like to be able to hold Colins hand and walk with him one day. He said he would, yes, but that he will walk and take care of himself on his own time. He also said he cant see and feels like hes in a haze. The only other thing I noticed was he isnt remembering talking to me or telling me things (that is nothing new, but seems worse right now).

If you made it this far hugs to you <3

[tuck]

That's awful. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with everything.

Is there any chance your brother will step up?

[eav2c]

Jan 11, 2013 1:13:50 GMT -5 tuck said:

That's awful. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with everything.

Is there any chance your brother will step up?

No. I talked to my SIL tonight and she basically said my brother has hit a "roadblock" with my dad. She said she believes it is best he comes here because my brother doesn't want to deal with my dad and that my dad upsets him too much. It's really fucking pathetic.

[monkeybabe]

I'm sorry, this sucks so bad. It's horrible that that woman is taking advantage of him. I wish he had done more, so that this wouldn't all be on you, given that your brother is apparently fucking useless. Ugh.

(the characters are all where an apostrophe or comma would be, so it wasn't too hard to read.)

[eav2c]

Jan 11, 2013 1:16:26 GMT -5 monkeybabe said:

I'm sorry, this sucks so bad. It's horrible that that woman is taking advantage of him. I wish he had done more, so that this wouldn't all be on you, given that your brother is apparently fucking useless. Ugh.

(the characters are all where an apostrophe or comma would be, so it wasn't too hard to read.)

Yea, I hate being angry in all of this but I feel so spited. I know I'm pulling the woe is me card, and I really don't mean to, but I just really sad that he didn't care to try and make things easier on me. My dad had a good career where he made big money... He owned two planes... Boats... Everything. Now he has nothing because he got into some shifty business deals and never saved a penny. It makes me resentful and I know this isn't the time but it does.

[gmoneymommy]

I'm really sorry. Can Medicare help out with assisted living at all? I know here, we have county-run assisted living centers that are paid mostly by medicare and/or medicaid and social security. I think that patients have to qualify to live there, but it sounds like your dad would with his health issues and dementia onset. I really hope you can get something figured out.

[eav2c]

Jan 11, 2013 1:21:15 GMT -5 gmoneymommy said:

I'm really sorry. Can Medicare help out with assisted living at all? I know here, we have county-run assisted living centers that are paid mostly by medicare and/or medicaid and social security. I think that patients have to qualify to live there, but it sounds like your dad would with his health issues and dementia onset. I really hope you can get something figured out.

I will check into that! When I did some google searches it said Medicare did not but I haven't delved deep enough. I have a great caseworker that will probably have lots of answers so I will ask tomorrow.

[tuck]

You have every right to be upset! It's not fair at all that you have to deal with all of it on your own while still trying to take care of your family.

Hopefully the social worker will have some ideas about how to get your father the care he needs. It really doesn't sound like moving in with you - especially since you have a baby that's going to get in to everything - is going to be a good solution.

I wonder if you can call the water department and get tell them he's in the hospital and you need to get the water shut off? Maybe that would encourage the gold digger to look elsewhere?

[eav2c]

Jan 11, 2013 1:26:09 GMT -5 tuck said:

You have every right to be upset! It's not fair at all that you have to deal with all of it on your own while still trying to take care of your family.

Hopefully the social worker will have some ideas about how to get your father the care he needs. It really doesn't sound like moving in with you - especially since you have a baby that's going to get in to everything - is going to be a good solution.

I wonder if you can call the water department and get tell them he's in the hospital and you need to get the water shut off? Maybe that would encourage the gold digger to look elsewhere?

heh, I like that idea. My name is on the rent as a resident at his apartment so I'm wondering if I should call and say she's living there and shouldn't be. It's a tangled web though, I feel. Like, I don't want to get her kicked out and her come back and fuck everything up. Likewise, she did call 911 when my dad was having a stroke. So, I feel like, if she isn't there, who will be? I feel like I need to play my cards right and I also don't want to upset my dad. He called me earlier and asked "Did you tell Caroline to move out? Cause she isn't going. She's staying." Mind you, the bitch just lost custody of her 9 year old. She shouldn't be caring for my dad but trying to get her life in order. Anyways, I feel like I do to much to fuck with her that my dad might even be MORE stubborn. I just want to play my cards right and not make too many waves to avoid him being totally non-compliant, KWIM?

[bean47]

Don't feel guilty or selfish, you are in a very tough situation. I hope your dad comes around and wants to get better/accepts help soon. Hang in there, you're doing a great job.

[pinkpeony6210]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation by yourself. ((Hugs))

[spaghetticat]

I'm so sorry. I know that he is sick, but I feel like he needs to at least want to be helped in some way and right now he just doesn't. None of that is fair to you. And I'm sorry your brother is no help either.

[dojo]

I don't have any advice on what to do, but I wanted to say two things.

1. You are NOT selfish for wanting a home. And your expenses to back out of a P&S agreement will be a hell of a lot more than your $5k deposit because the homeowners will sue for time lost on the market. It will be a nightmare.

2. You are NOT selfish for not wanting your dad to live with you. You are not equipped or trained to provide care for your dad. What if he gets worse and needs constant care? Will you be home with him non stop? Trying to provide him with the care he needs without the proper skill set is unfair to both you and him. It's just not a good situation for anyone.

I can completely understand your frustration with your dad. It's incomprehensible that someone wouldn't plan for the eventuality of being older and unable to work. Maybe you could talk to a social worker about him? Sorry, I don't know if the caseworker you spoke to is the same thing.

[rainbowchip]

I have no helpful thoughts on this situation, I just wanted to give you big hugs!

[vthokie]

I have no help either, but it's a totally crappy situation to have to deal with. Big hugs girl

[mrsjaymay]

I wish I had more helpful advice for you. I don't blame you at all for being angry, this is a really unfortunate and unfair situation. I'm glad you have a great case worker to help you. We are here to support you eav! Hugs!

[Regina Philange]

No advice either. Sorry Eav.

Big hugs.

[Deleted]

I am so angry all of this is happening to you!! I feel like you can never catch a break!! Aahh! I want to scream for you. Lol. I don't have any other advice, because I would be just as lost. Even though you don't know what you're doing, what you ARE doing is great. You're trying. You're doing more than your brother, and I'm so mad he won't step up. I really hope something works out so he can get into the assisted living without costing you guys an arm and a leg. That isn't fair. Anyway, I'm here for you Eav! You can always PM me or FB me if you just want to vent. I may not have a lot of knowledge on this subject, but I will listen!! <3

[orriskitten]

I'm not sure how it works in other states, but I can share what I have learned in trying to get my great grandma care. She does seem to be in a better condition than your dad, so it may be easier for you to get help than it has for me. If you've done any of the stuff I mention, then sorry for repeating. Its early and my brain is not at 100% yet.also, please excuse my glib sense of humor about dementia, I watched my mom get a version of it and now great grandma. It is tragic, but I find humor helps with coping.

First, I would encourage you to get him on medicaid/medicare. Based on social security income with nothing additional, he should be eligible. They can help greatly with monetary assistance if he goes into a home or requires home care. Let me be honest, monetary assistance is their way of saying "we will take all your income to keep you in a nursing home/assisted living"which can be a deal breaker for some. However, if he had dementia, he may not remember., win win.

His resistance to help is a very usual sign of dementia/Alzheimers. It also comes with paranoia, so if he starts saying you are stealing from him in trying to help him, well it sucks but is normal.

for home care and assisted living, he will be evaluated by a nurse to gauge how with it he is. If he can't walk, I am assuming he is unable to use the bathroom? This is something in his favor for getting help since it is
apparently a major deciding factor if someone needs help.

You are NOT selfish for not wanting him to move in with you. You are not trained to care for someone in that state and they require special care and someone who does not have an infant child. From my experience, taking in a person in that kind of state can make it worse for everyone. My great grandma no longer wants to live and I am now contemplating kidnapping her from my grandma's(with gg's consent) to get her into a home, but that is a different story.

I'm sorry if you already know all of this, but it was the starting stuff that I learned to try to help my family.

I'm happy to share more if I can and if you want it.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

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[christidee]

I'm so sorry you have all of this on your plate. I wish your brother would also help you out with this too. It isn't fair to you that you have to handle it all. I seriously want to throat punch your day's "girl friend." She sounds awful!

[ruby412]

I'm so annoyed at your brother that he can't get it together and help in this situation! What the heck?! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and I wish you weren't. I am glad you have a good caseworker to help you navigate everything. This is just not something that you should have to deal with alone. Sending more hugs your way.

[Deleted]

All of what Orris said andplusalso, can you look into VA homes? We have an awesome one here in Monroe.

[raynes]

Oh man that's just a sucky situation

dojo and orriskitten said things well, I don't think you're being selfish at all. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this crap.

[mamasaurus]

I have no advice, but I hope something about this gets easier for you. I can't imagine being in this situation.

[rxbeth]

I'm sorry you have all this going on. I think you've gotten some good advice. Definitely work with the social worker at the hospital.

[charlielove]

I didn't read everyone's responses, but did see someone suggested Medi-Care helping as a viable option. If he has it, he can be moved from the hospital to an assisted living/rehab facility where he can get physical therapy. I know they only cover a certain amount of days/months (as little as three weeeks, at least here), but that could buy you some time to figure something else out.

Also, it's absolutely not fair that you shoulder the entire burden for this because of your dad's poor planning. I'm so sorry, eav. I hope you can find a way to get him into assisted living that he can afford. The case worker/SW should also have some means of helping and referrals for low cost options, I hope.

[Deleted]

I texted one of my managers at work and found out a little bit of info. I don't know if it will help any or not. We work at an assisted living community that also has a lock down unit for Alzheimers. She said our place is private pay. But if you are veteran you may qualify for aid and attendance which reimburses the family. There is something called a king term policy (I'll ask more about it for you later) They will reimburse you for the stay. We get a lot of calls from A Place for Mom.
I'm sorry you are going through this and hope things get easier.

[lolaburns]

Eav, I am so so sorry you are going through this. You have so much on your plate at your age it is just completely unfair.

Your brother not stepping up is the most selfish thing I have ever heard of. And this woman loving with him makes me seriously ragey. We went through a similar thing with a woman who was scamming my grandfather out of tons and tons of money...she was a meth addict. It was hell trying to navigate what we could do legally so I understand what you are going through. We ended up getting power of attorney, but that was only after my Uncle got into their house and went through all their documents. In their living will my grandmother had put a clause in that gave us power of attorney should they become mentally incapacitated. We had to get two doctors to agree with us that my grandfather wasn't capable of making sounds decisions anymore. The whole thing was fucking horrible. We ended up putting him in assisted living and then eventually he was moved from KY to LA to a nursing home near my parents.

Would having him in a nursing home/assisted living near you be a better option that made you more comfortable? if your dad worked and was in the military in going to guess he has available to him VA benefits and Medicare. Medicare will kick in and pay for nursing home care if your Dad has no assets- money in accounts, real estate, etc . If he doesn't have Medicare I would look into Medicaid. You do not have to shoulder this burden.

((( hugs)))) I wish I could be of more direct help. this freekin sucks.



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[hass2001]

This must be so difficult for you. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. Does he have any other family at all? Can't the VA do anything more?

[pugz]

pursuing VA benefits and applying for medicaid are your best bets. His medicare will cover 20 days in a skilled nursing facility for rehab at 100% and 80 more days at 80%, but only til he is at his baseline.

Medicare and medicaid don't cover assisted living but medicaid would pay for long term care in a nursing home. Veteran homes can have long waitlists so pursue that ASAP.