This. How long have you been married? How long were you dating before this? Does one of you make a lot more than the other? Or have higher earnings potential? Has the imbalance in income or earnings potential been a problem in the past?
FIL just divorced and only reason it took a long time was fighting over his IRAs. Dad has divorced twice and both times the issue of his retirement assets was very contentious and he fought tooth and nail to protect it, even conceding higher payments for child support/education/etc to protect it.
I agree that it's frustrating he won't listen to advice, but if this is the first serious conversation you've had about money I understand his shock at the suggestion that it go towards his spouse's student loans.
bairbury, since everyone's jumped on the divorce train, I'll just say that some money issues can be worked through. I would recommend running your husband's credit report to see if there is something he's hiding, and discussing a split for all bills based on a percentage (say, 60/40) based on your incomes. Good luck!
I think the saying 'when people show you who they are, believe them' applies here.
Exactly what I was going to post.And anyone that drops the "divorce" word that casually, should be taken up on the offer.
OP, he has flat our told you he does not ever want to be a partnership with you, he has flat out told you he wants a divorce, why exactly are you not believing him?
If you do leave him, it's going to put you in a very difficult spot financially. As I recall, you said you were a cosigner on his car loan, and I assume your name is on the mortgage as well. I think you can count on your husband not making payments on those I'd you file for divorce. Your debt to take home income ratio was something like 55% in the budget you posted yesterday, and that was without his car loan or the other half of the mortgage. I don't know a lot about this kind of situation and what you can do to minimize the damage, but I think there are others on MM who do.
Unfortunately the only way to take your name off any loan is for him to take out another loan to pay off the current loan, but I would start pushing for it to happen ASAP....especially the next time he argues that his money is his.
OP: I also agree about getting a post nup. I think you should both see a counselor if you want your marriage to work out, but if he won't budge on the my money/your money issue then let it be. Sounds like you'll be the breadwinner in the future anyways. Just tell him you want it in writing so there is no more arguments about finances (post nup). In so many words, it should say 'his money is his money, her money is her money, all joint expenses will be paid for 50/50 regardless of income disparity, and neither of you are responsible for the others' debts'. It will be difficult for you now, but when you're making 2...3...4x more than he is then he'll regret not supporting you through school, but I wouldn't mention this part to him if he's willing to sign this kind of agreement haha.
He's one of those douchers who says, "if I spend $100 on your for Christmas and you spend $100 on me, it's all a wash, so why bother?" isn't he? OH, or does he insist on knowing what you spend on him to the penny so he can spend the exact same amount?
FWIW, I make it a point to NEVER threaten divorce or even joke about it. I joke about a lot of things, but I take my marriage seriously.
Bair, I am so sorry you are going through this. I just want to add that divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. You are young and you were VERY young when you hooked up this this guy. People will understand and you have so much time to bounce back from this and live the kind of life you deserve.
When do you finish your MBA? Do you get a salary bump right away?
Can you move in with a friend until you do?
I'd call a lawyer tomorrow. Good luck and we're here for you.
First off, I'm not quite up to par on all the proboard lingo so I looked up what MUD stands for. And if it means Made Up Drama, you have got to be kidding me. I come here looking for advice on my situation and some of you respond that you think it's made up? Really?
Anyway, thanks to those people who actually gave good advice. I am not going to jump to divorce straight away. My husband sometimes come around after he's given things a thought and I am hoping it happens in this case. I do love my husband and yes, he's hard to handle sometimes but he is a good man. He tends to let his mouth run without thinking first. I know he shouldn't talk to me like he did and I plan on starting to stand up for myself. If things don't start changing then yes, divorce may be an option in the future. I'm just not willing to give up yet. Thanks again.
I think it's fair to give things a chance now that you have identified a problem. But that needs time limits--maybe a year to see most of the improvements you need to. And I think you both need the help of a professional to do it--either a therapist or clergy if you prefer.
A year from now, if improvements haven't been made, I think you will probably need to pull the trigger on divorce. It's going to be a lot easier at 25 than 35.
I agree with this. I would give him one more chance and if he doesn't follow through on the time span you have set put for yourself then you should walk away at that point.
When you give a time line make sure it's not a month or two, he could just show you what you want to see in that time frame and then go back to his normal routine.
((Hugs)) and good for you with trying to get your finances in order for your future. (With or without him)
Edit: it won't let me quote on the app. This is supposed to be in regards to what kcpokergal said.
First off, I'm not quite up to par on all the proboard lingo so I looked up what MUD stands for. And if it means Made Up Drama, you have got to be kidding me. I come here looking for advice on my situation and some of you respond that you think it's made up? Really?
Anyway, thanks to those people who actually gave good advice. I am not going to jump to divorce straight away. My husband sometimes come around after he's given things a thought and I am hoping it happens in this case. I do love my husband and yes, he's hard to handle sometimes but he is a good man. He tends to let his mouth run without thinking first. I know he shouldn't talk to me like he did and I plan on starting to stand up for myself. If things don't start changing then yes, divorce may be an option in the future. I'm just not willing to give up yet. Thanks again.
Yeah I found the idea odd that this was MUD because you weren't defending yourself and were taking the criticism cooly. Usually people jump on the MUD train when a poster gets defensive. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Definitely make sure that he does come around at some point in the near future. Don't let him continue to treat you like a roomie and housekeeper with benefits. Seriously consider seeing a financial adviser at the very least. And give yourself a timeline that if he doesn't change, you really do need to get out.
Please protect yourself anyway. Talk to a matrimonial attorney and a therapist. The last post we want to see in a year from now is how broke you are because your H left you, and you are in insurmountable debt because of mistakes he made.
Post by phunluvin82 on Jan 16, 2013 11:27:47 GMT -5
Good luck Bairbury. I can understand not wanting to jump straight to divorce when the marriage is still new and a lot of the money stuff has only recently come up.
Since the student loans seem to be some sort of hot button issue for your H, I would shift gears and work on getting the monthly expenses split more equitably.
I would also not rule out getting a counselor for yourself. It can help you determine how to best communicate with your H, and give you an impartial sounding board regarding his behavior and how you feel about it/react to it.
Ditto to others who say good luck to you, Bairbury, and we're here for you.
I definitely don't like your husband's tone, and my husband does not speak to me like that (nor do I speak to him that way) - BUT I do know every relationship is different.
I would just say that you might want to read this book: Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned
I know you're beyond this stage, but before we moved in together, I read this and reviewed a lot of the content with my husband (then boyfriend). The idea of us writing down ON PAPER and SIGNING how we would manage expenses, etc, was extremely helpful. For you, I'd extend it to things like retirement, student loan debt, etc.
You could approach it with your husband by saying something like: "Hey, I found this book at the library and it's got some great stuff in here that we've never really put on paper. In the spirit of us literally getting on the same page with finances, let's do some of these exercises together..."
Candidly, I am worried about you having to support him in the future, and how NON supportive he is right now, but I hope you make some good forward progress. Keep us updated.
Please protect yourself anyway. Talk to a matrimonial attorney and a therapist. The last post we want to see in a year from now is how broke you are because your H left you, and you are in insurmountable debt because of mistakes he made.
I definitely don't think this is MUD, wtf?
I agree with this. I understand that you want to try to work things out, but you really need to protect yourself in case this can't be fixed, especially because you ultimately can't control or know whether he is ever going to be reasonable about this. It would be a real shame if he stuck you with all the debt and then came after you for alimony after you finished your degree.
I also think you really need to set some ground rules for fighting. Do this sometime when you are not currently having an argument. Threatening divorce during an argument is not okay. Apologizing afterward doesn't fix it. I think he should be on the hook for paying for and attending 6 months of marriage counseling each time he does it. Because if it's worth threatening divorce over, it's at least that serious of an issue.
I think it's fair to give things a chance now that you have identified a problem. But that needs time limits--maybe a year to see most of the improvements you need to. And I think you both need the help of a professional to do it--either a therapist or clergy if you prefer.
A year from now, if improvements haven't been made, I think you will probably need to pull the trigger on divorce. It's going to be a lot easier at 25 than 35.
I really have to agree with this and say that this is where I went wrong. I didn't set a time limit. I just believed when he said he would change, even when it happened again and again. If you want to talk, PM me. I wish you the best as you go through this.
I'm late to this, but I just wanted to wish you good luck. I hope your marriage improves and, in the case it doesn't, you can get out easily and with minimal consequences. Please protect yourself and please come back if there's anything you need, or if it's just to vent. Good luck!