Alzi, that's just a list to keep her occupied and to address his concerns about having a baby .
I don't know how much money they make, but with two car payments, wanting to buy a house, being so young, him traveling a lot, I can see why he wants to wait a while, reach certain financial goals etc. Those aren't excuses, they're reasons, and that's different.
oh i know, haha. and i agree that those are definitely things to address. that said, at age 26 i was pretty unwilling to set a timeline myself. i had a rolling 5 year plan. anytime babies were mentioned, i said it would happen in 5 years.
We keep "tabling" the discussion til "next summer". So every time someone asks, it's "oh we'll discuss it more next summer"...
I was a never-ever for the longest time. H wants kids. He's the middle of three children and he wants at least 2 kids. I'm young. He's in his 30s. He's not ready for kids, I am (uterus speaking) but I just graduated and am unemployed. I know if we do have kids, I need a well paying job, no debt and a lot in savings. We could easily save up with H's job, but I need to be working, I need to have time off saved up, and we need to have a lot more saved up. We also have to fix up our house and make it safer if we ever do have kids.
We talked about it, we still do. We know what we need to do. Maybe approach the situation from his angle; ask him what he wants to DO before having kids and start doing those things. H and I want to travel a lot more and we know that with kids, we can't do as much as we'd like (week or two at a time). Maybe he wants to spend more time being just a couple and being married for a while.
I want to be in shape before we have kids. So I'm starting now to get prepared for when we eventually want to try to start. I'm also unemployed, which works for some people but I also have SLs that I'll need to start paying down next month. I have some job opportunities lined up. I also want to be with a company for a few years so I'd feel more comfortable about my position still being there after maternity leave.
I think the goals he wants to attain first are logical & realistic. My main goals before children were that we both had to have full-time jobs, health insurance, a house, and $ saved. Last year we said we'd think about TTC in 2013. We ended up starting December 2012. DH is 28 and I am 27 years old. DH is also just as baby crazy as me (if not more so). I would definitely wait until he's ready, it will make TTC go a lot smoother. Also, as PP said make sure he does really want to have kids once you achieve those goals. Also, make a plan how you can achieve some of the goals quicker so you can begin TTC sooner.
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 20:22:59 GMT -5
Aside from the fact that he won't discuss a timeline, he also won't talk about making a plan to accomplish some of the things he wants to accomplish before a baby. The frustration and fighting comes from the fact that he avoids anything that could possibly equal the baby discussion.
Aside from the fact that he won't discuss a timeline, he also won't talk about making a plan to accomplish some of the things he wants to accomplish before a baby. The frustration and fighting comes from the fact that he avoids anything that could possibly equal the baby discussion.
Alzi, that's just a list to keep her occupied and to address his concerns about having a baby .
I don't know how much money they make, but with two car payments, wanting to buy a house, being so young, him traveling a lot, I can see why he wants to wait a while, reach certain financial goals etc. Those aren't excuses, they're reasons, and that's different.
My question at this point would be, are those things you guys are working on at all? Are you saving for a down payment or looking at homes? Are you putting extra money toward car payments to get rid of one of them sooner? If not, I would change the conversation with him to why not those things. If so, you can focus on those smaller goals as steps toward your other goal of having a baby.
Also, if you want some help being patient in the mean time, I can PM you a pic of one of my kid's massive peanut butter-textured poop explosions. Today it busted out the edge of her diaper, escaped through two layers of clothes, and oozed down the side of her booster seat. Babies are wonderful, but they are also really, really gross sometimes.
I feel for you that it is not just about him feeling this is not the right time, but that he is refusing to 1) really talk about it and 2) actually work towards getting ready for babies.
My dad traveled a ton, I think at least 2 weeks a month, but he was still close to us and when he was home, he was plugged in always doing bath time and putting us to bed. My parents also started living on my dad's salary when my mom got pregnant with my sister 1) to adjust to living that way and 2) to bank her pay checks in savings.
And, having kids is scary. It is a tremendous undertaking and i can see how that can scare the shit out of a person. Or even the fear of your life changing and not feeling sure it will be for the better because maybe it won't always feel that way. But, as his wife, he owes you the respect of just talking about this openly and honestly.
I will happily send you my kid for a few days if you need a dose of baby.
I agree with the others that you need to point blank ask him if he wants kids. If he does, sit down and formulate a plan to meet the goals/make the changes he has mentioned. If he doesn't, then you will need to decide how you would like to proceed. I wish you the best of luck in figuring all this out.
It's time to get serious, then, and ask him where he really stands. Tell him how you're feeling. Make sure that he knows you aren't trying to pressure him, you're just trying to get both of you on the same page. You need to be honest with him, but you also need to make sure he knows he can be honest with you, even if he's giving you an answer he knows you don't want to hear.
Good luck! I totally feel you on the baby fever. I'm ready to start TTC TODAY. DH not so much. I'm waiting until he's ready, which is right and logical. If only there were some way to tell my hormones to STFU and just wait a little while longer.
H and I just talked about kids on the 1st of this month. We set up a timeline for when we want to TTC and goals we want to accomplish before that. The last time I checked in with him on the matter was August when one of our good friends had a baby. He told me he wasn't ready. A lot happened in 5 months. I was really surprised.
BTW, I'm 27 and H is 28. I don't think 26 is that young. I've had baby fever for a few years now and I've been married 3.5 years.
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 23:27:55 GMT -5
We talked. He said that at this point in time he can't commit to even giving me a time frame because he doesn't want kids. I'm sad and angry, but I don't know who to be angry at. Everything else in our marriage is great and I'm happy, but this is something that I've always wanted and pictured for my future.