Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 23:36:03 GMT -5
He has never said this before. Before we got married he said it's not something he wanted right away and we needed to enjoy each other and give it time.
He has never said this before. Before we got married he said it's not something he wanted right away and we needed to enjoy each other and give it time.
So he pulled a bait and switch? What an ass. I'm sorry.
I just wonder if he says this now either seeing his friends have kids and it scares him or just liking your lives now and afraid of how kids will change things. But like Annie said, it is a risk staying with him hoping that he will change his mind and it never happens.
He has never said this before. Before we got married he said it's not something he wanted right away and we needed to enjoy each other and give it time.
So he pulled a bait and switch? What an ass. I'm sorry.
I don't know that he necessarily did it on purpose. He said that he was on the fence about it and hoped that as time went on he would change his mind.
Post by sewpinkgal on Jan 20, 2013 23:45:31 GMT -5
Ugh. I'm so sorry that he is telling you this now after you thought he eventually wanted kids. I can understand that you're really hurt and angry.
FWIW, my husband and I got married and both thought kids were on the horizon eventually. Then we had a few years where we both entertained the idea of not having kids ever. Drove our families crazy, but I think both of us needed to be in that head space for awhile. Eventually we both realized that we were ready to add a kid or two to our family, but all of this was done with heavy discussion between the two of us. It wasn't one person knowing they wanted things one way and then leading the other person on.
Post by laceandlouboutins on Jan 20, 2013 23:51:04 GMT -5
I can't say if this is a deal breaker or not. I need time to process all of it. My entire life I have thought about having kids. It's never crossed my mind that it wouldn't happen. I definitely feel disappointed and sad. I want it so badly, but I also can't imagine being with anyone else.
I can't say if this is a deal breaker or not. I need time to process all of it. My entire life I have thought about having kids. It's never crossed my mind that it wouldn't happen. I definitely feel disappointed and sad. I want it so badly, but I also can't imagine being with anyone else.
DH and I had a huge argument about 4 months ago which made me think about life without children or life without DH. It's a very very hard place to be in, and I hope that you can find peace in whatever decision you make. ((((hugs)))
I say give it some time, if you think you can. Honestly, H and I talk about how we wish we had met earlier so that we could have had more time together, just us, before kids. But, i felt the need to get started sooner rather than later since I was nearly 30 when I got married.
We talked. He said that at this point in time he can't commit to even giving me a time frame because he doesn't want kids. I'm sad and angry, but I don't know who to be angry at. Everything else in our marriage is great and I'm happy, but this is something that I've always wanted and pictured for my future.
I'm so sorry. That sucks. Kudos to you for having that hard conversation though. :Y:
Did you two talk about kids before marriage? Did he change his mind from what he'd previously told you?
I'm very sorry. FWIW, we got married young (by today's standards) and were sure we'd have kids. But after a few years I started to second guess that plan and thought it wasn't for us. I did change my mind. Like I said earlier, it took awhile. But at 26-30 NO WAY did I want them. We needed to do a lot of things before I could start thinking about them again.
So there's hope.
And you're probably right in thinking that when you got married he thought it was something he could do but for some reason it's changed.
Not a promise he'll change his mind again, but it does happen. Sorry you're dealing with this though. I know it was hard for my husband to wait me out, and I know he really took a chance by doing so. (((HUGS)))
Where I'm from, 23 is very, very young to be married (basically unheard of) so I can't imagine a couple of 26 year olds having a baby. Honestly, he might not mean "never". He might mean "not anytime soon" and that's his chickenshit way of not having to commit to a timeline. You are going to change so much between 26 and 31 you won't believe it.
I wouldn't panic. Men aren't great at communication. Especially 26 year olds. A round or two of marital counseling might not hurt you two right about now, just to make sure you are both on the same page and it may help facilitate the conversation.
Where I'm from, 23 is very, very young to be married (basically unheard of) so I can't imagine a couple of 26 year olds having a baby. Honestly, he might not mean "never". He might mean "not anytime soon" and that's his chickenshit way of not having to commit to a timeline. You are going to change so much between 26 and 31 you won't believe it.
I wouldn't panic. Men aren't great at communication. Especially 26 year olds. A round or two of marital counseling might not hurt you two right about now, just to make sure you are both on the same page and it may help facilitate the conversation.
Bullshit. He doesn't get an out because he has a penis. I think she needs to take what he says at face value. When someone says they don't want kids to their spouse, its means they don't want kids. Marriage counseling could be helpful, but lace, you need to figure out what your dealbreakers are. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Its awful.
He does t get an out because he has a penis. But he does get some slack for being a 26 year old who committed at a very young age and may want a couple of years to relax and enjoy his marriage and life before taking the next big step. And I would never tell a poor emotional girl to reevaluate her marriage because of one bad conversation. He's not a bad guy just because he may feel backed into a corner and say something dumb, just like she's not a bad wife for wanting to ask the question. They are just two young kids figuring it out.
OP, you love your husband. Have faith in who you married and get thee both to therapy to get to the bottom of what's going on.
But he does get some slack for being a 26 year old who committed at a very young age and may want a couple of years to relax and enjoy his marriage and life before taking the next big step.
He isn't a 26 year old who wants to enjoy his marriage a few more years before kids. He is a 26 year old who doesn't want kids. There is a big difference. Neither is necessarily bad. But he and his wife need to be on the same page about this. 'Child free by choice" can be a beautiful thing but it doesn't partner well with "always pictured a life with kids."
What I'm saying is he is so young he probably doesn't know what he wants besides some breathing room. Hell, I am a happily married 31 year old who definitely wants kids, but if you told me I was going to be pregnant tomorrow, I'd lose my shit for a hot minute. It's scary at any age. All I'm saying is maybe he will feel different in the morning when the argument isn't so heated. Maybe he won't. But I just don't think this poor girl should be questioning her whole marriage over two bad conversations about something as normal as being afraid to pull the trigger on having kids!
I'll admit he might owe you an apology for saying something hurtful, but we all say things we don't mean in the heat of battle. The idea is that you will grow as functional people imside your marriage and learn to fight fair and communicate better. It doesn't make sense that she goes for 3 years thinking he wants kids and he wakes up one day and doesn't. What does make sense is that he's young, scared and didn't choose his words properly.
What I'm saying is he is so young he probably doesn't know what he wants besides some breathing room. Hell, I am a happily married 31 year old who definitely wants kids, but if you told me I was going to be pregnant tomorrow, I'd lose my shit for a hot minute. It's scary at any age. All I'm saying is maybe he will feel different in the morning when the argument isn't so heated. Maybe he won't. But I just don't think this poor girl should be questioning her whole marriage over two bad conversations about something as normal as being afraid to pull the trigger on having kids!
I'll admit he might owe you an apology for saying something hurtful, but we all say things we don't mean in the heat of battle. The idea is that you will grow as functional people imside your marriage and learn to fight fair and communicate better. It doesn't make sense that she goes for 3 years thinking he wants kids and he wakes up one day and doesn't. What does make sense is that he's young, scared and didn't choose his words properly.
Did you read the thread? It wasn't an argument. They sat down and talked and he said he wasn't sure if he ever wanted kids. And when they first got married, he said that he wasn't ready yet, maybe later down the road. Now that Lace is feeling that they are "down the road" he started making excuses and starting arguments. They sat down tonight and he said he doesn't see kids in his future. That isn't young and scared and not choosing words properly.
What I'm saying is he is so young he probably doesn't know what he wants besides some breathing room. Hell, I am a happily married 31 year old who definitely wants kids, but if you told me I was going to be pregnant tomorrow, I'd lose my shit for a hot minute. It's scary at any age. All I'm saying is maybe he will feel different in the morning when the argument isn't so heated. Maybe he won't. But I just don't think this poor girl should be questioning her whole marriage over two bad conversations about something as normal as being afraid to pull the trigger on having kids!
I'll admit he might owe you an apology for saying something hurtful, but we all say things we don't mean in the heat of battle. The idea is that you will grow as functional people imside your marriage and learn to fight fair and communicate better. It doesn't make sense that she goes for 3 years thinking he wants kids and he wakes up one day and doesn't. What does make sense is that he's young, scared and didn't choose his words properly.
He does owe her an apology because he blindsided her when they discussed kids before marriage. It wasn't a battle it was a discussion about something she really wants and he doesn't which is not fair for her. She deserves to be emotionally hurt about this. And 26 is not young.